How to tell friends/family you are a drunk?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
How to tell friends/family you are a drunk?
I know everyone's experience is different. Reading other peoples stories it seems many never have to tell people in their life as it's already quite obvious. For me, it wasn't something that obvious.
I ask this for a few reasons. One, it's the holidays and alcohol is always a part of family festivities. I don't want to lie, but I don't feel like I necessarily have to make a big thing about it. Maybe just say "I'm taking a break"? With family I would like to eventually talk with them openly but at Christmas with extended family around just doesn't seem right (even though I have NUMEROUS aunts/uncles that are in recovery)
My other reason is I routinely get together with a few close friends on Wednesday evenings for dinner and drinks. I was going to stop going, but I don't feel that is needed. Just because I'm a drunk doesn't mean I have to stop being social. My friends will certainly notice me ordering a Dr Pepper instead of a long island, so again I just need to decide what and how much to tell. It will only be a few close friends, though sometimes someone else I don't know tags along. So this is what I'm going to do.......let me know your thoughts.
First, I'm going to an AA meeting today. Even though I had a bad experience yesterday it does seem like going to a meeting puts my mind in a good place. My new mantra, I read it somewhere online, is to tell myself in the morning, "I will not drink alcohol today, no matter what." And going to a meeting helps enforce that thought. When everyone orders a drink tonight and I get questions for ordering something that won't lead me to being stupid, doing embarrassing things I won't remember, and waking up in the morning feeling horrible and not knowing how/if I drove home, I will simply say that I'm taking a break. Depending on who is there (sometimes it is just my close friends) I will open up and tell them that I'm no longer drinking. If I get any negative reactions (which would totally shock me) I will politely say goodbye and head home, sober.
So that's my day today. An AA meeting (might actually hit up two) and then putting my newly found sobriety into practice. Let's do this!
Donny - Sober for 3 days, and it's wonderful!
I ask this for a few reasons. One, it's the holidays and alcohol is always a part of family festivities. I don't want to lie, but I don't feel like I necessarily have to make a big thing about it. Maybe just say "I'm taking a break"? With family I would like to eventually talk with them openly but at Christmas with extended family around just doesn't seem right (even though I have NUMEROUS aunts/uncles that are in recovery)
My other reason is I routinely get together with a few close friends on Wednesday evenings for dinner and drinks. I was going to stop going, but I don't feel that is needed. Just because I'm a drunk doesn't mean I have to stop being social. My friends will certainly notice me ordering a Dr Pepper instead of a long island, so again I just need to decide what and how much to tell. It will only be a few close friends, though sometimes someone else I don't know tags along. So this is what I'm going to do.......let me know your thoughts.
First, I'm going to an AA meeting today. Even though I had a bad experience yesterday it does seem like going to a meeting puts my mind in a good place. My new mantra, I read it somewhere online, is to tell myself in the morning, "I will not drink alcohol today, no matter what." And going to a meeting helps enforce that thought. When everyone orders a drink tonight and I get questions for ordering something that won't lead me to being stupid, doing embarrassing things I won't remember, and waking up in the morning feeling horrible and not knowing how/if I drove home, I will simply say that I'm taking a break. Depending on who is there (sometimes it is just my close friends) I will open up and tell them that I'm no longer drinking. If I get any negative reactions (which would totally shock me) I will politely say goodbye and head home, sober.
So that's my day today. An AA meeting (might actually hit up two) and then putting my newly found sobriety into practice. Let's do this!
Donny - Sober for 3 days, and it's wonderful!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Glad you are giving it another shot. Good luck.
But first, how do you tell friends and family you are a drunk.. ? hmmm?
My guess is that they already know.
Last Christmas I didn't drink. Not everyone knew that I quit drinking. I just said no thanks and drank my seltzer and coffee. I remember being asked when I was leaving if I was okay to drive. My answer seemed to shock my brother. I said I didn't have anything to drink.
So whether or not you feel the need to make a public statement about is your call. It may put a damper on the festivities. If you can survive and not drink and keep your little secret to yourself, best of luck.
If you have a family member who is close enough that you can share this with in confidence and to help keep an eye on you, I would do that.
Some of us don't feel the need to broadcast our situation. I'd make it situational and discreet. But just saying you gave up drinking without any explanation is good enough in my mind.
Good luck and if you feel the need to go to another meeting or four, then do it. Look for something near where your holiday celebration will be held. You can always sneak away for some air.
But first, how do you tell friends and family you are a drunk.. ? hmmm?
My guess is that they already know.
Last Christmas I didn't drink. Not everyone knew that I quit drinking. I just said no thanks and drank my seltzer and coffee. I remember being asked when I was leaving if I was okay to drive. My answer seemed to shock my brother. I said I didn't have anything to drink.
So whether or not you feel the need to make a public statement about is your call. It may put a damper on the festivities. If you can survive and not drink and keep your little secret to yourself, best of luck.
If you have a family member who is close enough that you can share this with in confidence and to help keep an eye on you, I would do that.
Some of us don't feel the need to broadcast our situation. I'd make it situational and discreet. But just saying you gave up drinking without any explanation is good enough in my mind.
Good luck and if you feel the need to go to another meeting or four, then do it. Look for something near where your holiday celebration will be held. You can always sneak away for some air.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Sounds good buddy. My friends were all supportive. They've even said some nice things about how good I'm doing and how far I've come. And us guys aren't known for our "insightful" conversation:-) Feels good to listen to your heart and go your own way.
-Ted
-Ted
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 20
Congrats on 3 days Donny!
I too worry about what kind of reactions I will get for the holidays when don't pick up a drink with everyone else. I don't know what I am going to say, but was thinking of just telling people I am driving (rather than my wife). I don't know what I am going to say when I have family at my house, and I worry that if I don't have alcohol for guests they may ask me about it, and not have a "good time". Although maybe I am the only one that needed alcohol for a "good time", where everyone else doesn't care so much.
I have told some of my close friends in the past how much I drink, as if somehow I was hinting I wanted support from them. It didn't affect our friendship, and although they expressed some concern nothing changed and its not brought up. I would imagine telling them now wouldn't be much different, but maybe an attaboy for putting the bottle down.
I am thinking it will be good to tell someone so you feel accountable, kind of what we are doing on SR, but then again I don't want someone constantly harping on me about it either (like my parents).
I'm past day 1 and working on day 2...
I too worry about what kind of reactions I will get for the holidays when don't pick up a drink with everyone else. I don't know what I am going to say, but was thinking of just telling people I am driving (rather than my wife). I don't know what I am going to say when I have family at my house, and I worry that if I don't have alcohol for guests they may ask me about it, and not have a "good time". Although maybe I am the only one that needed alcohol for a "good time", where everyone else doesn't care so much.
I have told some of my close friends in the past how much I drink, as if somehow I was hinting I wanted support from them. It didn't affect our friendship, and although they expressed some concern nothing changed and its not brought up. I would imagine telling them now wouldn't be much different, but maybe an attaboy for putting the bottle down.
I am thinking it will be good to tell someone so you feel accountable, kind of what we are doing on SR, but then again I don't want someone constantly harping on me about it either (like my parents).
I'm past day 1 and working on day 2...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
I agree with LBrain's suggestions.
Also, i didn't tell anybody about "being a drunk".
I just didn't drink at parties.
People didn't say anything, but people noticed.
I'm not too focused on other people's reactions to my addiction struggles,
especially those i never hurt.
It's hard enough for me to learn to enjoy the party by not drinking, so adding
my fears about their judgements won't help.
Sop my thoughts are just talk through your actions, and don't drink.
Best of luck!
Also, i didn't tell anybody about "being a drunk".
I just didn't drink at parties.
People didn't say anything, but people noticed.
I'm not too focused on other people's reactions to my addiction struggles,
especially those i never hurt.
It's hard enough for me to learn to enjoy the party by not drinking, so adding
my fears about their judgements won't help.
Sop my thoughts are just talk through your actions, and don't drink.
Best of luck!
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Firstly, well done on three days 
I can only speak from experience but mostly I've told people that I've stopped drinking because I'm worried about my health, which is true. I don't mind going into more detail if asked, but I will begin with a "no thanks" and then an explanation if quizzed. I very rarely say I'm an alcoholic, though. There's only a handful of peeps in my life who I would want to share that with.
As most knew I wouldn't normally refuse a drink, ever, there were obviously going to be questions and raised eyebrows, and as Brain said, most knew I was a heavy drinker anyway. It is kind of obvious when someone has a drink problem.
The reactions were interesting, actually- some didn't give a s**t, some were supportive, some were almost nasty about it, some disbelieving.
But their reactions and feelings about it are their concern, not mine.
I can only speak from experience but mostly I've told people that I've stopped drinking because I'm worried about my health, which is true. I don't mind going into more detail if asked, but I will begin with a "no thanks" and then an explanation if quizzed. I very rarely say I'm an alcoholic, though. There's only a handful of peeps in my life who I would want to share that with.
As most knew I wouldn't normally refuse a drink, ever, there were obviously going to be questions and raised eyebrows, and as Brain said, most knew I was a heavy drinker anyway. It is kind of obvious when someone has a drink problem.
The reactions were interesting, actually- some didn't give a s**t, some were supportive, some were almost nasty about it, some disbelieving.
But their reactions and feelings about it are their concern, not mine.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on 3 days,and glad to hear you are taking steps to move forward with your sobriety.
As others have mentioned, for the most part no one cares if you are drinking or not, most people won't even notice quite frankly. We ( alcoholics ) are the only ones that obsess about it.
Your drinking buddies/social friends are a bit of a different story. You may need to re-evaluate your social activities. My personal experience when I first started out sober was that I assumed I would go hang out with the same people I had before in the same places ( bars mostly ) but just not drink. It was possible to do so but i learned very quickly that it wasn't going to last. I realized pretty quickly that drinking was really the only thing I had in common with those people, so not only did we have nothing to talk about, but it was kind of akward being around them while they got drunk. I have found there are many things to do ( more actually ) that don't involve drinking at all.
I'd also just give a word of caution....at only 3 days sober, hanging out around social drinkers may not be a good idea at all. It will be very, very tempting to have "just one"...and we know that can't happen.
As others have mentioned, for the most part no one cares if you are drinking or not, most people won't even notice quite frankly. We ( alcoholics ) are the only ones that obsess about it.
Your drinking buddies/social friends are a bit of a different story. You may need to re-evaluate your social activities. My personal experience when I first started out sober was that I assumed I would go hang out with the same people I had before in the same places ( bars mostly ) but just not drink. It was possible to do so but i learned very quickly that it wasn't going to last. I realized pretty quickly that drinking was really the only thing I had in common with those people, so not only did we have nothing to talk about, but it was kind of akward being around them while they got drunk. I have found there are many things to do ( more actually ) that don't involve drinking at all.
I'd also just give a word of caution....at only 3 days sober, hanging out around social drinkers may not be a good idea at all. It will be very, very tempting to have "just one"...and we know that can't happen.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Well done on day 3 Donny
The only ppl who know im alcoholic is my gf & my immediate family, doctor & support groups (inc you guys)
If anyone asks would i like to drink....like Anna il either say no thanks or il ask for a soft drink/cranberry juice etc
And Scott's right nobody cares if we dont drink
Be well Donny
The only ppl who know im alcoholic is my gf & my immediate family, doctor & support groups (inc you guys)
If anyone asks would i like to drink....like Anna il either say no thanks or il ask for a soft drink/cranberry juice etc
And Scott's right nobody cares if we dont drink
Be well Donny
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
This is YOUR recovery. It's completely up to you to decide who to tell or not tell. This is a choice about who to include in your recovery process, so it can be pretty personal. That's why I think a lot of people keep it low key.
"No thanks" or "I'm not drinking" work well for me too. Either that or I just don't say anything and have coffee/tea, seltzer, water, juice, etc. Usually people don't say anything.
The only people who have tried to push it are usually people who have a problem themselves.
It can be helpful to remember that alcoholism and alcohol abuse are really, really common. That's part of what we're up against. And alcohol is so socially acceptable and prevalent, it can make those of us who abstain feel awkward about not drinking in social situations. That's amplified if you're trying to quit.
My best friend doesn't drink. Ever, really. She has never had a substance abuse problem. And new people she meets are sometimes surprised that she doesn't drink. "Wow! Good for you!" and "Really?!?! You don't drink EVER?!?!" are the most common reactions she gets. Some people even have the audacity to ask if she's in A.A. (As if that were the only valid reason for abstaining!)
She just tells them she doesn't drink, she just doesn't like it, and it doesn't make her feel good. And that's the truth. (Did I mention how happy I am that she didn't have to go down the road of alcoholism to figure this out?!?!)
Anyway, you are choosing a life of sobriety and that's a perfectly valid and commendable option. But it's uncommon. As non-drinkers, we sometimes raise eyebrows. That's OK. Actually, I like it. Be the change you wish to see in the world, as Gandhi said I imagine that you'll be a good influence and a beacon of light on those around you. That seems to be what happens when we stay sober.
Good luck!
On another note: is labeling yourself a "drunk" a helpful way to think about yourself? You don't need to use a self-deprecating label! My two cents.
"No thanks" or "I'm not drinking" work well for me too. Either that or I just don't say anything and have coffee/tea, seltzer, water, juice, etc. Usually people don't say anything.
The only people who have tried to push it are usually people who have a problem themselves.
It can be helpful to remember that alcoholism and alcohol abuse are really, really common. That's part of what we're up against. And alcohol is so socially acceptable and prevalent, it can make those of us who abstain feel awkward about not drinking in social situations. That's amplified if you're trying to quit.
My best friend doesn't drink. Ever, really. She has never had a substance abuse problem. And new people she meets are sometimes surprised that she doesn't drink. "Wow! Good for you!" and "Really?!?! You don't drink EVER?!?!" are the most common reactions she gets. Some people even have the audacity to ask if she's in A.A. (As if that were the only valid reason for abstaining!)
She just tells them she doesn't drink, she just doesn't like it, and it doesn't make her feel good. And that's the truth. (Did I mention how happy I am that she didn't have to go down the road of alcoholism to figure this out?!?!)
Anyway, you are choosing a life of sobriety and that's a perfectly valid and commendable option. But it's uncommon. As non-drinkers, we sometimes raise eyebrows. That's OK. Actually, I like it. Be the change you wish to see in the world, as Gandhi said
I imagine that you'll be a good influence and a beacon of light on those around you. That seems to be what happens when we stay sober.Good luck!
On another note: is labeling yourself a "drunk" a helpful way to think about yourself? You don't need to use a self-deprecating label! My two cents.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I told everyone. I wish I hadn't. Those who knew, knew... those who didn't, worried.
I've been going with the no thanks I don't drink/don't drink anymore line for several years now, no worries.
What you say is up to you Donny.
I would advise against any kind of I'm taking a break statement tho - sure it's a softer statement, but it predisposes that you'll drink again one day.
Go with I've decided not to drink anymore.
If you feel uncomfortable with that bald statement, add that it's for your health and well-being. No lies.
Resist the urge to write an essay/speech - you have nothing to apologise for as a non drinker
D
I've been going with the no thanks I don't drink/don't drink anymore line for several years now, no worries.
What you say is up to you Donny.
I would advise against any kind of I'm taking a break statement tho - sure it's a softer statement, but it predisposes that you'll drink again one day.
Go with I've decided not to drink anymore.
If you feel uncomfortable with that bald statement, add that it's for your health and well-being. No lies.
Resist the urge to write an essay/speech - you have nothing to apologise for as a non drinker
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I told most people about my circumstances and still do if the topic of drinking ever comes up in conversation or when it could be helpful to someone.
I have always been extremely open about my alcoholism and recovery, but, then, I was always pretty much a public drunk.
I have always been extremely open about my alcoholism and recovery, but, then, I was always pretty much a public drunk.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I personally have no issue telling my Family, friends, even colleagues that I prefer not to drink because my off switch is not reliable.
All that to say I have 0 shame of my Addiction. I am not the first or the last on this hearth to have booze issues. I'm just not special in this aspect of my life.
All that to say I have 0 shame of my Addiction. I am not the first or the last on this hearth to have booze issues. I'm just not special in this aspect of my life.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,001
Great job. Ive just told people ive quit. When i would politely have one drink a month i would escalate into 24/7 binge drinking, a week of horrible withdrawals. Then repeat. (withdrawals) im at the tailend of them right now. I say be honest.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 151
there is no need to tell anyone right away, though some people may try to push alcohol on you, I have at times just stated that my doctor put me on a medication and I'm not supposed to drink while taking it [ in my case its true , though I took it while I was drinking and was indifferent to the risk]
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Thanks for all the advice! It ended up just being 2 close friends, so I ended up telling them everything and they were really supportive. They even decided to not have their cocktails (even though I told them I didn't care if they did).
Donny
Donny
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