sad14

I married my husband 8 months ago. I knew he was an alcoholic, and has been for at least 20 years. He's a wonderful person when he's not drinking. He doesn't do anything BAD when he's drinking (no abuse, or being mean or anything), it's just that I abhor the drinking itself. He comes home from work in the late evening, does the laundry and drinks till he passes out, 2 or 3 times a week. I'm guessing about half a bottle of vodka each time. It used to be beer, the vodka's new. And I've never addressed it.

It's no secret, he knows I know, he doesn't try to hide it. But I come from people who don't drink at all. And I know drinking this much is not normal, and not ok. But still I just go to bed and pretend I don't see, when the bottle comes out. I'm so ASHAMED to be with an alcoholic. Nobody in my family knows. I think I'd die of shame if they knew. I can't imagine it being any less shameful than if I admitted to being with a pedophile, or something. The way I was raised, alcoholics were "bad people."

His father (mother deceased) knows his history with drinking, but he doesn't know it's going on now. Well, I'm sure if he knows anything at all about alcoholics, he must know that he hasn't stopped drinking, but I don't talk to him about it.

I'm afraid to say anything to my husband. It's bad enough that he is a slave to the bottle, it would hurt me so much more to tell him I want him to stop drinking, and for him to still not stop. Because I know he wouldn't. In my messed-up head, it hurts less for me to believe he doesn't know it hurts me.

I kind of want to go to an al-anon meeting, but I don't want to tell him. Nor do I want to lie about my whereabouts. (If I don't come home from work, I'm obviously SOMEWHERE, and he's going to call and ask me why I've not come home yet.) So I keep not going.

FeelingGreat

Hi sad, it sounds like being married to an alcoholic isn't compatible with your core beliefs, or your family's. I'm wondering why you did marry when you feel so strongly about it?

You can continue to ignore it, but that doesn't sound viable, or you can talk to your husband about it. You're right in thinking it may not do any good, but do you want to give up on him without telling him how you feel? To be fair to him, if you haven't said anything up until now, he may not get it. You can ask him to stop, but it would be more realistic to tell him how the drinking affects you, and let him work it out for himself.

If he's gone from beer to vodka, then his alcoholism is escalating, as it tends to do, so you might want to think realistically about the future of your marriage.

ladyscribbler

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I think the Alanon meeting is a great idea. You don't have to lie. Can you just say "I was at a meeting." And leave it at that? Why are you scared to tell him you're going to Alanon? Are you worried about how he will react? Will you get interrogated?
There's nothing to really be gained by confronting him if he's not ready to quit and you aren't willing to enforce a boundary.
Some areas have lunchtime Alanon meetings so you could go during the day.
I painted myself into a similar corner with my ex, making all my options seem impossible. The truth was, I had lots of choices, I just didn't like them so I hung on and kept hoping something would get him to change. It was a long wait for a miracle that has yet to manifest itself.
Please consider going to Alanon. Those meetings have helped me immeasurably.

NYCDoglvr

I agree with Feeling ....... you can't go on ignoring it forever. It is a progressive disease and eventually he'll get drunk every day. By not telling him about how you feel you're essentially saying it's ok. Alanon would be a big help ... we codependents are as affected by denial and rationalization as alcoholics are. God bless

lillamy

(((hugs)))
and welcome. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us. For people who have a hard time making it to Al-Anon for one reason or another, SR is a good complement. It's not the same as sitting in a room full of people who "get it" -- but it's a good place to be regardless.

I can relate a whole lot to this. I came from a family where my parents were absolutists until their 40s, and after that, they would have a drink on occasion -- maybe four times a year. Grandparents' generation on both sides were actively working in the sobriety movement.

I also thought alcoholics were "bad people" -- failed people, morally corrupt people. And I think that's why I didn't understand that the man I married was an alcoholic -- because he looked nothing like those homeless people living under the highway underpasses. (Then, I should add. He does now.)

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I hope that even if you can't feel it yet, that you on a rational level can understand that his drinking says nothing about you. You're not a failure for marrying him. You're not a bad person. (He's not necessarily a bad person either, but that's beside the point.)

I spent many years denying that AXH was an alcoholic. Then I told myself "it's just part of who he is, and isn't marriage all about accepting each other, warts and all?". For a long time, he had the attitude that it was "us against the world" and he was very protective of me. As his alcoholism progressed, the "protective" turned into controlling, and he was no longer sure that I was "on his side" against the world, so his aggressive outbursts that used to be reserved for the outside world more and more turned against me, and sometimes against our children.

You can learn a lot about alcoholism here. Both about what it does to the alcoholic, and what it does to the people who love an alcoholic.

There are also online Al-Anon meetings -- I've never attended one, so I can't tell you how they work, but here is a link: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings

When you're living with an alcoholic, it's vitally important that you take care of yourself. Addiction can eat up your time, energy, and strength even when you're not the one with the addiction.

freetosmile

I recently opened up to a few people about my husbands alcoholism. It really felt good to finally let it go. It was like a breath of fresh air. So I hear that you are ashamed, and I think an al-anon meeting would be wonderful for you. You don't have to admit it to your friends or family......just being able to talk about this with strangers (wonderful strangers) is a good starter.

It does sound like this goes against your core beliefs, but you also love your husband. I can hear that. So sorry you are going through all this.

Welcome to SR...I have learned so much here and have gained strength in times of weakness. (((HUGS))))

freetosmile

double post

sad14

What boundary can I set? I know I can't make him do his drinking elsewhere. It's mostly done at bedtime. I have nowhere else to go, we rent an apartment. So I just go to the bedroom, and close the door.

ladyscribbler

My boundary was, "I won't live in a home with active alcoholism."
It took me a long time to be ready to enforce that. Once I did, that was the end. He had no desire to stop drinking.
What do you have to lose by trying Alanon? Alcoholism thrives in secrecy and shame. Like others have said, this isn't something you need to feel shame about. It was really hard for me to get out to that first meeting, but once I finally did it lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.

walkinganewpath

Have you looked to see if there are any lunchtime meetings in your area? I know that in some of the 'downtowns' around here they have meetings at noon.

Not necessarily supporting lying but maybe you can try going to a couple on your lunch hour if you can find them and then progress to realizing that you getting help helps the entire 'family situation' and be able to just tell him that's that.

LexieCat

You could also say you were meeting some new friends. Very true.

AnvilheadII

so, you KNEW he was a long term alcoholic....your own history has a very negative belief ABOUT alcoholism....you'd be mortified if your family KNEW he was alcoholic...........and you married him anyway. it seems you went in with eyes wide open, but now don't like where you find yourself. in fact, you are ASHAMED.

shame wil drive us to do extreme things. can you take a good hard look at this situation and see if perhaps it might be best to dissolve the marriage? cuz it ain't gonna get any better any time soon....and that means you keep living a lie, living in secret and going directly against your own moral code.

changeneeded

Hi Sad,
I haven't read any responses; I just wanted to jump right in to have a word.
I understand when you say you were not raised in a family that drinks, and you feel ashamed. It is unfortunate for people like us, who want to appear so wonderful on the outside.

But, I want you to know something, and I'm not being sarcastic, this comes from a place of total, and complete, love and understanding:

You will NOT die from the shame, and nobody ever has. The sooner you realize that, the less shameful you will feel. There is something about feeling as if we are the only ones that have ever, ever, hooked up with an addict. Like, we are ruining the love and image of our wonderful family.

You are not the first to know, but be surprised, it happens to many of us. That is why we are here! We ignore it; hoping our love will change things, hoping it isn't as bad as it seems, or, being thankful because or A is not : abusive, mean, or spend all the money on his/her addictions.

We wake up one day and think: "Oh no, what have I done?!" For some it takes many years, and others just a few months.
Stick around, there is a lot of advice and love here. Some of us will tell you like it is, if you want it our not, some will listen, only, and some , will give you love and prayer.

Thanks for joining,
Be well,

changeneeded

Hi Sad,
I haven't read any responses; I just wanted to jump right in to have a word.
I understand when you say you were not raised in a family that drinks, and you feel ashamed. It is unfortunate for people like us, who want to appear so wonderful on the outside.

But, I want you to know something, and I'm not being sarcastic, this comes from a place of total, and complete, love and understanding:

You will NOT die from the shame, and nobody ever has. The sooner you realize that, the less shameful you will feel. There is something about feeling as if we are the only ones that have ever, ever, hooked up with an addict. Like, we are ruining the love and image of our wonderful family.

You are not the first to know, but be surprised, it happens to many of us. That is why we are here! We ignore it; hoping our love will change things, hoping it isn't as bad as it seems, or, being thankful because or A is not : abusive, mean, or spend all the money on his/her addictions.

We wake up one day and think: "Oh no, what have I done?!" For some it takes many years, and others just a few months.
Stick around, there is a lot of advice and love here. Some of us will tell you like it is, if you want it our not, some will listen, only, and some , will give you love and prayer.

Thanks for joining,
Be well,

changeneeded

Yikes! Sorry, Can't find the edit button. Didn't think I was posting, computer kept glitching.

lawinct

Sad-
I too was ashamed to admit to my family, and to myself, when I suspected that he might have a drinking problem and would sometimes make excuses for why he went to bed so early, why he didn't remember to tell me when they called me and I was out, etc.

I was even ashamed to tell them what was going on with my RAH when he was first brought to ICU after his knee surgery due to being in full blown withdrawal. I told everyone that he had developed pneumonia and a high fever (that part wasn't actually a lie, he had a 105 temp). I was ashamed, but even more so I wanted to shield him and didn't want to embarrass him or have them think less of him. When I realized that he was in serious condition and that the doctor's were not just fighting the DT's, they were fighting to save his life, I realized I had to tell.

What a relief it was to do so. The love and support that they gave to me, and to him, was and has been amazing. It is what got me through the 29 days he was hospitalized. It definitely still helps now.

I also thought he would be angry with me when he recovered and realized that I told his dirty little secret. You know what? He cried, thanked me and said he had wanted to stop drinking for months, but didn't know how. He tried, but only lasted a few days each time. He actually had planned on trying to sober up while recuperating from his knee replacement since he wouldn't be able to drive to the liquor store, but never realized how dangerous self-withdrawal could be. He is happy that our family knows and does not try to hide it from anyone. He says this is important in helping him stay sober. He has to answer to everyone that he loves if he doesn't.

If you can't confide in your family, follow the suggestions that others have posted so that you find someone to do so in. You need to be able to express your fears to people who care. I have not yet attended any meetings or program-starting with family, SR, church, prayer and taking things one day at a time.

You said that you don't think he will stop drinking even if you tell him how it is affecting you. Is there any chance that he is actually still at a point in the disease where he might choose you, and life, over alcohol and a death by a thousand cuts? If so, maybe you should at least try to talk to him when he is sober. Maybe you will save his life, your sanity, and your marriage. Could he be hoping to get caught and confronted?

I totally get where you are coming from-it is scary knowing that it will hurt more to know that he chose alcohol over you, if that is in fact what he does.-The realization that your love for him is deeper than his love for you will be temporarily crushing. It's almost the "what I don't know can't hurt me" philosophy that many of us have lived through. Once the truth is revealed, the world that we know will be irrevocably changed. Sometimes it seems like the better option to live with the status quo. I know-in my heart now that I knew he was an alcoholic but chose to ignore it.

My question is this: If you continue to deny it or live with it, there may come a time that you do have to face the truth. You've been in this marriage for 8 months. What happens if this reality comes 8 years down the line? Will the pain of coming to grips with this be less then than it will be if you face it now? Perhaps facing it now will save your marriage, but if not, you will have not wasted precious days living a lie.

And I am going on a personal limb here-if my husband relapses, I will have to ask myself the very same question and face the fact that the 29 years we have been together and our three beautiful kids may always come second to vodka. I pray every night that this does not happen-but I have realized in three short days of SR participation that I have no control over it. If that happens, I will need to my support system to get through it. Typing this, I realized that I have to continually to remind myself that if there is a relapse, I need to be strong, admit it to my family and fight the urge to hide it in order to maintain the image that all is better and to protect him.

Keep reading and posting-it really does help to let out your inner most feelings to people who won't judge you, have been there, and can help keep your sanity.

~L

dandylion

Sad....I , also, support the idea that you need to be talking to others that you feel safe with....alanon would be an ideal place to start....or, at least a personal counselor. Surely, you could hide a lunchtime (1hr. appointment) from your husband?
Do you happen to have a trusted friend of any sort that you can talk to safely?

Coming here is a good step!!

Stung

I second Dandy's suggestions. I personally started with SR, then I got myself into personal counseling (a god send because I can tell her anything and she judges me for nothing. That's a big deal in my personal life.) and eventually I worked up the courage to attempt Al-Anon. Also, I wanted to add that there are some really great online Al-Anon meetings too that are very helpful when you need a little perspective shift and a little pick me up. It always helps to hear from and talk to people who have walked in the same shoes as you.

Hugs to you!!

sad14

Update.

So last night things kind of came to a head with AH. He kept pushing me, "what's wrong, what's wrong?" So I said, "you're drinking!" I told him he has no idea how much it hurts me. Went to bed in tears. He came in the bedroom and told me he wants to have a baby. I said I want a baby, too, but that I'd NEVER bring a child into a home with an active alcoholic. He denied being an alcoholic. Quack.

He asked, didn't I think he'd be a good father, didn't I know he'd never do anything to hurt his child? I said I knew he'd never TRY to. But that seeing someone you love abuse alcohol is damaging to a person. I'm an adult, I chose to live with him, and it's hurt me this much, there's no way I could ever do that to a child.

"You know I'd stop if we had a kid." Uh huh. That makes about as much sense as a person with cancer saying their cancer would go away if they had a baby. Quack quack.

I told him every alcoholic thinks that they can stop, that they will stop, but they can't, and they don't. "But I'm not like those people."

"I only drink when I'm bored. There's nothing to do around here." So get a hobby. I guess 22 alcohol related arrests in the last 21 years is "not boring." I guess he was just bored when he was slamming down those beers in the parking lot of the amusement park, right before we went in. Quack quack.

As I'm getting ready for work this morning, he comes out of the bedroom and again asks me "what's wrong?" My answer: "What difference does it make?" Because if my feelings about it mattered, he'd seek recovery. My feelings don't matter. I wish he'd quit deceiving himself that they do.

hopeful4

I am sorry. My X pulled this too. He told me he wanted to have a baby, I said the same, now way I was going to bring another child into the life of an addict.

Glad you are staying firm on this. You are right, if he wants to change, he will.

Tight hugs.