Are you kidding me??
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Are you kidding me??
So, last night was my kids night w/their dad. He recently got engaged to his girlfriend who he will be moving in with next month.
My girls tell me that all is he does is text other women who are not his fiancée. They tell me who they are. One is a girl who lives 10 hours away so I am sure it is all texting. The other is a much younger girl who he cheated on me with when I had just had my youngest daughter. I did not let on that I knew who these people are. I did not know what to say.
I told my girls that I cannot control their fathers actions, nor can they. They they have to spend 7 days a month with him for now, but in the future when they are older they can pick and choose who they spend their time with. I also told them they should tell him they would appreciate if he stopped using the phone for a while and spent some time with them.
So, I don't even care about any of this except of course it hurts my girls. It also jeopardizes their living arrangement b/c he is giving up his apt to move in with his "fiancée." So when she kicks him out, what happens then?
Thoughts......
My girls tell me that all is he does is text other women who are not his fiancée. They tell me who they are. One is a girl who lives 10 hours away so I am sure it is all texting. The other is a much younger girl who he cheated on me with when I had just had my youngest daughter. I did not let on that I knew who these people are. I did not know what to say.
I told my girls that I cannot control their fathers actions, nor can they. They they have to spend 7 days a month with him for now, but in the future when they are older they can pick and choose who they spend their time with. I also told them they should tell him they would appreciate if he stopped using the phone for a while and spent some time with them.
So, I don't even care about any of this except of course it hurts my girls. It also jeopardizes their living arrangement b/c he is giving up his apt to move in with his "fiancée." So when she kicks him out, what happens then?
Thoughts......
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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"So, I don't even care about any of this except of course it hurts my girls. It also jeopardizes their living arrangement b/c he is giving up his apt to move in with his "fiancée." So when she kicks him out, what happens then? "
Well, the girls learn that their father is a schmuck (if they don't already know), and he gets kicked out of his apt.
His problem, his consequences -- not yours.
Well, the girls learn that their father is a schmuck (if they don't already know), and he gets kicked out of his apt.
His problem, his consequences -- not yours.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Sounds like their father is also a "schmeck". Look it up.
I also fall prey to temptations to "future trip." Easy to do when you are even remotely connected to an addict.
Turn it over to your higher power and go back to court if his environment gets too crazy for them to be safe in
(supervised visits.)
I also fall prey to temptations to "future trip." Easy to do when you are even remotely connected to an addict.
Turn it over to your higher power and go back to court if his environment gets too crazy for them to be safe in
(supervised visits.)
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
In my state, no cohabitating is allowed. Will the girls be staying with him overnight while he is living with the girlfriend?
I'm with Anvil on this... Why do they even know what's going on in his phone?
It might be time for a frank discussion with them. I'm getting there with my own daughter.
I'm with Anvil on this... Why do they even know what's going on in his phone?
It might be time for a frank discussion with them. I'm getting there with my own daughter.
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My girls are not dumb and he is dumb enough that the texts show right on his phone so if it's just sitting there anyone can see it. My oldest is 15 and pretty tech savy, so she has looked it up. I have told him to keep his phone to himself but of course he won't do it. He also texts and drives w/them in the car all the time.
The one is b/c it is Facebook messaging so they just took his phone one day and clicked on it and could see her full profile. My girls don't know their ages, but I know the one he cheated on me with is quite a lot younger. They just said she looks young. I know b/c I knew her when he cheated with her.
I have told my kids to leave his phone alone, but I have no control of what they do or don't do when they are with him.
Point being, this affects my kids b/c of their living arrangement. I don't think it's healthy for my children to be burdened w/this info. Nor do I think this marriage of his will last as once a cheater, always. So of course when he gets kicked out, so will my kids during their time w/him. I tried to have it put in my divorce decree that he could not live w/anyone he is not married to. My attorney told me that would not fly and was going to get my divorce decree thrown out, so I took it out. They like the woman he plans to marry and feel safe around her, which is good.
It is all very disturbing for my children, this is their father. I don't know. I am trying not to future trip. It is right, I just need to know that if things get too chaotic for them to plan to go back to court.
Sigh....
The one is b/c it is Facebook messaging so they just took his phone one day and clicked on it and could see her full profile. My girls don't know their ages, but I know the one he cheated on me with is quite a lot younger. They just said she looks young. I know b/c I knew her when he cheated with her.
I have told my kids to leave his phone alone, but I have no control of what they do or don't do when they are with him.
Point being, this affects my kids b/c of their living arrangement. I don't think it's healthy for my children to be burdened w/this info. Nor do I think this marriage of his will last as once a cheater, always. So of course when he gets kicked out, so will my kids during their time w/him. I tried to have it put in my divorce decree that he could not live w/anyone he is not married to. My attorney told me that would not fly and was going to get my divorce decree thrown out, so I took it out. They like the woman he plans to marry and feel safe around her, which is good.
It is all very disturbing for my children, this is their father. I don't know. I am trying not to future trip. It is right, I just need to know that if things get too chaotic for them to plan to go back to court.
Sigh....
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So, I don't even care about any of this except of course it hurts my girls. It also jeopardizes their living arrangement b/c he is giving up his apt to move in with his "fiancée." So when she kicks him out, what happens then?
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He will just run to his sisters house which my kids hate. If he gets kicked out b/c he cheats I am going to take him to court, I decided it in my mind this morning. My kids are 9 and 15 so a judge will listen to what they have to say.
I guess I just hate all of this for my kids, but don't we all?
I guess I just hate all of this for my kids, but don't we all?
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Hope. I am probably not very qualified here as I have no children. But I am an uncle, to children of a womanizing miserable good for nothing father. My brother. They will grow up using him as an example for "acceptable" behavior.
His son, my nephew, grew up to be a younger carbon copy of him, and his daughter grew up to pick worthless men that mimicked what her dad did. Not to say that this will be the outcome for everyone, but in Med school I had to get through Psychology and Mental Health. In that I learned and support that what kids are exposed to by their parents, they retain well into their decision making futures. Lead by Example is very appropriate when it comes to raising kids. They soak up EVERYTHING they see around them.
My niece recently asked if she could visit with me. She was having some young adult issues that she wanted some help with. It was all about her relationship with her father. There really wasn't one. And she was tired of always trying to have one and feeling burned. Here is how I addressed it with her. Meredith, if your father has no relationship with his kids, has 3 failed marriages, no friends, no money, and no future, what does he offer you that he needs your energy for a relationship that has never worked with anyone else? Yes but Uncle Frank I need a father. I need guidance, inputs on decisions, help with learning. Etc Etc Etc.
In summary, I should have had this convo with her at age 12 not age 25.
You can't have this convo with her as it pits you against her father. Maybe you can enlist the help of another family member to help steer your kids away from this?
I do think you should be validly concerned that they are witnessing unacceptable things, that will lead to more deeper set dramas as it unfolds further.
His son, my nephew, grew up to be a younger carbon copy of him, and his daughter grew up to pick worthless men that mimicked what her dad did. Not to say that this will be the outcome for everyone, but in Med school I had to get through Psychology and Mental Health. In that I learned and support that what kids are exposed to by their parents, they retain well into their decision making futures. Lead by Example is very appropriate when it comes to raising kids. They soak up EVERYTHING they see around them.
My niece recently asked if she could visit with me. She was having some young adult issues that she wanted some help with. It was all about her relationship with her father. There really wasn't one. And she was tired of always trying to have one and feeling burned. Here is how I addressed it with her. Meredith, if your father has no relationship with his kids, has 3 failed marriages, no friends, no money, and no future, what does he offer you that he needs your energy for a relationship that has never worked with anyone else? Yes but Uncle Frank I need a father. I need guidance, inputs on decisions, help with learning. Etc Etc Etc.
In summary, I should have had this convo with her at age 12 not age 25.
You can't have this convo with her as it pits you against her father. Maybe you can enlist the help of another family member to help steer your kids away from this?
I do think you should be validly concerned that they are witnessing unacceptable things, that will lead to more deeper set dramas as it unfolds further.
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Yes, I completely agree and worry about this all of the time. I will have a family member sit down and speak with them as I have lots of family support Thank God. Problem being, not really from any men. My brother in law is a ways away and does not have that sort of relationship with them. My X's brother in law is not close to them at all.
I do have them in counseling and have open and honest talks with them. I don't want them to have a man like their father in their life when they are older. They go to church and have religion and I bring them up with morals and values. I don't know what else I have the power to do.
I do have them in counseling and have open and honest talks with them. I don't want them to have a man like their father in their life when they are older. They go to church and have religion and I bring them up with morals and values. I don't know what else I have the power to do.
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Sungirl, my girls will gladly hand over their phones so that is not an issue. As parents of 9 and 15 year olds we regularly check their phones as that is part of the deal of them having them. The issue is more my worry about what happens when he gets kicked out, the morals of it all, and lack of father figure in their lives.
MissFixit....Yes, yes, I am so glad I am not married to this mess any longer. He is truly one hot mess.
MissFixit....Yes, yes, I am so glad I am not married to this mess any longer. He is truly one hot mess.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I don't know what else I have the power to do.
As far as the girls & what other Super Powers you have (
)...... you have honesty on your side. They are old enough & smart enough to know that dad's decisions have led him into all kinds of chaos vs. the reality of stability with mom. Just keep being honest with them & calling things what they are - "It's too bad dad makes decisions which impact us but we can control what he does, we can control how we handle it." Keep modeling your recovery & keep reminding them that dad's dysfunction doesn't give them the right to make bad decisions in retaliation (like snooping through his phone..... he may be loose with his phone but they still have to choose to pick it up & press buttons to find the information at times.) Ask them if that's the kind of person THEY want to be. Maybe buy them hula hoops for Christmas (lol) and show them the visual of that theory.
Let them know that this is just the beginning of the differences they are going to see between the 2 of you over the coming years & that this difference of opinion is why you aren't married any longer. Remind them that even if he callously hurts their feelings, you'll be there to listen & provide a shoulder.
It sucks that kids have to deal with these head games at all but it ROCKS that there are moms like you out there helping them find their way!
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Originally Posted by Sungrl
If your daughters have cell phones tell them if they continue to snoop on their dad's phone, he has equal rights to theirs. That may stop the entire situation.
You tell them not to do it but then you listen to everything they have found out. That is quite a lot of detailed information for someone doing a quick glance at a text message or a FB account.
Sort of sound like they are getting this information in detail so they can pass it on to you in hopes that it was cause something to change. What that change is, I can’t say, but it does sound like they are not just snooping for their own curiosity.
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It is deeply painful to see your children lose respect for their father. Deeply. I've never said a bad word about AXH to our kids; I didn't need to -- they figured out for themselves that they were not a priority to him, and that his life choices were immoral and nothing they wanted to emulate.
The advice I was given was to keep doing the right thing: Create a harmonious, calm, loving home environment for them and model responsible adult behavior. Love them. Prioritize them. Set boundaries for them. And be the parent, not the friend. That creates a haven of security and safety that will be more attractive to them.
And I don't have to tell you that, I know you're already doing that.
But I thought it might help to hear that what you're already doing is exactly what you should be doing -- according to my old therapist.
The advice I was given was to keep doing the right thing: Create a harmonious, calm, loving home environment for them and model responsible adult behavior. Love them. Prioritize them. Set boundaries for them. And be the parent, not the friend. That creates a haven of security and safety that will be more attractive to them.
And I don't have to tell you that, I know you're already doing that.
But I thought it might help to hear that what you're already doing is exactly what you should be doing -- according to my old therapist. Member
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FireSprite, I love the idea of hula hoops for Christmas. I might do that, too! Not because they feel responsible for their dad anymore, but because they're constantly code pendently attempting to control each other...
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Have you ever read Brene Brown's Parenting Manifesto? I love it & keep a printout on my fridge so that I read it all the time. It helps me remember DD's real, long-term needs from her parent(s) vs. whatever insanity I may be dealing with at the moment:
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.
If you google it you can find all kinds of beautiful .pdf printouts of the key points.
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.
If you google it you can find all kinds of beautiful .pdf printouts of the key points.
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