Newly sober again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Newly sober again
Hi all.
I'm wondering if it is ok for an alcoholic to post to friends and family thread or if that is frowned on by the forum.
I don't want to offend anyone.
My husband of 8 years told me that he wanted a divorce 85 days into my recovery and I've had several relapses since then.
I'm now sober 5 days and have started to truly understand some of the damage I've done to my marriage.
As you all know, we alcoholics are marvels at blaming others for our behavior and it's consequences.
I recently found that he had started an emotional affair when I was in rehab.
I was very hurt but after thinking about it and going to a meeting, I am very glad that I found some of his texts to this person because for the first time it really hit me square in the noggin how much pain I have caused him and how revolting I had become.
I recently asked me when he started hating me and he said "the first time you started hating yourself when you got up in the middle of the night to take a shot of vodka."
I am literally that stupid. I had no idea the impact in so many ways I had on him.
I was cruel and selfish. I have apologized to him and have started to dialog with him about how I hurt him.
I never took him seriously. I threw endless criticism and cruelty in his direction and have spoiled so many times that should have been joyous for him.
I relapsed when I found that he had a relationship and it was ugly crying carrying on phone calls and other nonsense that I am so ashamed of but trying to learn from.
I guess that it takes time for an alcoholic to truly understand the damage in specific terms of how we have hurt our loved ones.
I am truly clueless and hope to be able to heal some of the pain that I have caused by coming here.
Probably on the wrong forum but thought I'd reach out to help me gain some perspective.
Thank you and glad to be here,
cocokramer
I'm wondering if it is ok for an alcoholic to post to friends and family thread or if that is frowned on by the forum.
I don't want to offend anyone.
My husband of 8 years told me that he wanted a divorce 85 days into my recovery and I've had several relapses since then.
I'm now sober 5 days and have started to truly understand some of the damage I've done to my marriage.
As you all know, we alcoholics are marvels at blaming others for our behavior and it's consequences.
I recently found that he had started an emotional affair when I was in rehab.
I was very hurt but after thinking about it and going to a meeting, I am very glad that I found some of his texts to this person because for the first time it really hit me square in the noggin how much pain I have caused him and how revolting I had become.
I recently asked me when he started hating me and he said "the first time you started hating yourself when you got up in the middle of the night to take a shot of vodka."
I am literally that stupid. I had no idea the impact in so many ways I had on him.
I was cruel and selfish. I have apologized to him and have started to dialog with him about how I hurt him.
I never took him seriously. I threw endless criticism and cruelty in his direction and have spoiled so many times that should have been joyous for him.
I relapsed when I found that he had a relationship and it was ugly crying carrying on phone calls and other nonsense that I am so ashamed of but trying to learn from.
I guess that it takes time for an alcoholic to truly understand the damage in specific terms of how we have hurt our loved ones.
I am truly clueless and hope to be able to heal some of the pain that I have caused by coming here.
Probably on the wrong forum but thought I'd reach out to help me gain some perspective.
Thank you and glad to be here,
cocokramer
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
(((((Hugs))))). I am sorry you are hurting.
We can't tell you how to fix your marriage though because every person's emotional needs vary somewhat. We often say here not believe words but only to believe actions. So, I suppose one thing you could do would be to talk to your husband, maybe show him the thread you wrote here, and ask him whether it can be saved and if so, what does he need from you/to do that. At least then you'll know what his needs are and whether they can be met.
Because then, if it were me, it would be down to watching what actions came as a response of that conversation. Even if it were along the lines of 'see you in six months if you are still sober'.
I wish you both peace and serenity whatever the outcome.
We can't tell you how to fix your marriage though because every person's emotional needs vary somewhat. We often say here not believe words but only to believe actions. So, I suppose one thing you could do would be to talk to your husband, maybe show him the thread you wrote here, and ask him whether it can be saved and if so, what does he need from you/to do that. At least then you'll know what his needs are and whether they can be met.
Because then, if it were me, it would be down to watching what actions came as a response of that conversation. Even if it were along the lines of 'see you in six months if you are still sober'.
I wish you both peace and serenity whatever the outcome.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, shil put it very well. I'm a sober alcoholic, too (six years sober) and I was married to two alcoholics in the past. Partners have had it up to HERE with the "I'm sorry" and "I know what to do now" and "It will never happen again."
Put your energy into your recovery and MAYBE your relationship can heal. Some relationships have been damaged too much. I wouldn't try to extract any assurances from your husband right now. You can tell him you're beginning to realize how much damage has been done by your drinking, and that you intend to focus on getting better regardless of what happens with the marriage. And then DO it. Time will tell how things shake out, but you will be much better off sober, with or without him.
Put your energy into your recovery and MAYBE your relationship can heal. Some relationships have been damaged too much. I wouldn't try to extract any assurances from your husband right now. You can tell him you're beginning to realize how much damage has been done by your drinking, and that you intend to focus on getting better regardless of what happens with the marriage. And then DO it. Time will tell how things shake out, but you will be much better off sober, with or without him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Hey, be proud of five days! I couldn't have gotten sober without the support of AA, where I learned that I just don't drink TODAY. And if I want to drink I call another alcoholic and get to a meeting. This is about you and your life, not anyone else. Go to AA's website and find a meeting near you. God bless!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Yup, shil put it very well. I'm a sober alcoholic, too (six years sober) and I was married to two alcoholics in the past. Partners have had it up to HERE with the "I'm sorry" and "I know what to do now" and "It will never happen again."
Put your energy into your recovery and MAYBE your relationship can heal. Some relationships have been damaged too much. I wouldn't try to extract any assurances from your husband right now. You can tell him you're beginning to realize how much damage has been done by your drinking, and that you intend to focus on getting better regardless of what happens with the marriage. And then DO it. Time will tell how things shake out, but you will be much better off sober, with or without him.
Put your energy into your recovery and MAYBE your relationship can heal. Some relationships have been damaged too much. I wouldn't try to extract any assurances from your husband right now. You can tell him you're beginning to realize how much damage has been done by your drinking, and that you intend to focus on getting better regardless of what happens with the marriage. And then DO it. Time will tell how things shake out, but you will be much better off sober, with or without him.
Talk is cheap coming from an alcoholic, and actions over time are the only thing family / spouse can actually rely on as an indicator of "authentic" recovery.
Give him space and work on yourself. No matter what happens you will be better off sober and pressure right now for reassurance or trying to fix the marriage may have the opposite effect.
Work on yourself and I promise you things will get better no matter what he chooses to do. What are you plans to build your recovery? Stopping drinking is only the first step--great job on your five days, by the way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Will your remorse and new clarity be enough to keep you sober? Because that's the only thing that will ever count.
Stay sober today. For you. Because if you try doing it to save your marriage, you're putting your motivation for sobriety in someone else's hands.
What I've learned in Al-Anon -- that's true for all of us, regardless of what our addictions are -- is that I can only be responsible for me. I couldn't control whether my ex drank or not. You can't control whether your husband stays or not. You can only handle yourself, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I am not an alcoholic, but was with one for several years. It takes a mental and eventually physical toll on you as the partner of someone who abuses alcohol. If he says he is done, I would respect his wishes but try your best to remain on good terms and have open communication. There is no magic formula to win his heart back. I don't know your situation, but I think the most you can do for now is focus on your own sobriety and RECOVERY. Sincerely address whatever it is that sets you off and work becoming your best self each day. If the tides shift again in your relationship and you have been working your program, then you will be in a better position to be a good and reliable partner.
Hugs
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
coco. I for one will thank you VERY MUCH for coming here to say this. Just by reading your words allows me to feel like as a family member we never really see if you GET the damage you do. When I read your post, I GET that you GET IT.
I for one would love it if they had one of you at each recovery program that would stand up and say what you just said. This one thing would help so much of our recovery process mean something.
Knowing that you GET IT, is of huge help to us. We need to see, as early as possible, that YOU GET WHAT YOU DO to us. Instead we are told, wait for as long as your AC needs to take to not drink anymore. That by itself may take longer than we can tolerate because all that does for us is say OK maybe they will stop drinking. But will they GET what they did while drinking? And will it stop when they aren't?
My XAGF out of the blue one day asked me. Can you tell me what all I have done to you that you resent? Man no lead up, no warning, just a out of the blue question. I said OK do you want me to start with now and work back or go back and work til now? (we are talking years here). And it POURED OUT OF ME for what I could recall at that moment when asked. It was long list but a partial one. Her response after all that was. OK I'm sorry I did those things. And I waited, assuming this was the start of some dialog. Nope. That was it.
This apparently was part of some step in her program but it meant little to me. I have no idea what she thinks this accomplished in her recovery but all it did was leave me with, What did we just do and why?
To make it worse, I later said OK I had more that I couldn't recall and I feel like I want to make sure I answer your question fully. (It isn't like I can recall everything that happened in all those years). Man that was the start of the next drama. OMG can't you leave this alone now. How come you bring up more......and so you retreat, withdraw and let it go.
IT IS VERY OK YOU POSTED THIS!!!!
I for one would love it if they had one of you at each recovery program that would stand up and say what you just said. This one thing would help so much of our recovery process mean something.
Knowing that you GET IT, is of huge help to us. We need to see, as early as possible, that YOU GET WHAT YOU DO to us. Instead we are told, wait for as long as your AC needs to take to not drink anymore. That by itself may take longer than we can tolerate because all that does for us is say OK maybe they will stop drinking. But will they GET what they did while drinking? And will it stop when they aren't?
My XAGF out of the blue one day asked me. Can you tell me what all I have done to you that you resent? Man no lead up, no warning, just a out of the blue question. I said OK do you want me to start with now and work back or go back and work til now? (we are talking years here). And it POURED OUT OF ME for what I could recall at that moment when asked. It was long list but a partial one. Her response after all that was. OK I'm sorry I did those things. And I waited, assuming this was the start of some dialog. Nope. That was it.
This apparently was part of some step in her program but it meant little to me. I have no idea what she thinks this accomplished in her recovery but all it did was leave me with, What did we just do and why?
To make it worse, I later said OK I had more that I couldn't recall and I feel like I want to make sure I answer your question fully. (It isn't like I can recall everything that happened in all those years). Man that was the start of the next drama. OMG can't you leave this alone now. How come you bring up more......and so you retreat, withdraw and let it go.
IT IS VERY OK YOU POSTED THIS!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Hi.
I hope this posts. This forum is confusing me!
I started this thread a little more than a year before my recovery began in earnest.
It's crazy to read my post.
clearly still self absorbed at the time.
I now know that if my husband hadn't left me, I would have never gotten sober.
after almost killing myself with alcohol last December (a little over a year after he left me) I finally feel like I've found true sobriety.
I have surrendered and I can truly say with absolute conviction that I am a grateful, recovering alcoholic since the day I finally put the drink down for good on December 28, 2015.
I was a complete beast after my husband left and for the year after.
I blamed him for everything. Took no responsibility for my own actions or words and almost drank myself to death which was initially his fault (of course -lol!).
It took me having to take care of my own life and get my head out of my ass to save what was left of my life.
after leaving ICU I took time off of work and went into outpatient rehab which was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
I had a house and bills to take care of and after continuing to pay my sick self bills for over a year since he left, it was reasonable for him to be very eager to turn the responsibility over to me.
I thank God that he helped me that year because I truly would have lost everything. I hope that some day I can tell my now ex husband how grateful I am.
for now, he remains my ex husband.
we were divorced in may of 2016. It still makes me cry to say that.
I cannot keep my regrets or my anger and stay sober however.
for those of you who are thinking of leaving I can't imagine the heartache that you are going through. I cannot believe that I put him through that and I will forever be pained by the memory of what he went through.
he saved my life when he told me that he didn't love me anymore. He saved my life. The only things that kept me from dying was that he finally loved himself more than he loved me.
I thank god.
peace to all of you out there who continue to suffer with the devastation that this disease wreaks.
coco
I hope this posts. This forum is confusing me!
I started this thread a little more than a year before my recovery began in earnest.
It's crazy to read my post.
clearly still self absorbed at the time.
I now know that if my husband hadn't left me, I would have never gotten sober.
after almost killing myself with alcohol last December (a little over a year after he left me) I finally feel like I've found true sobriety.
I have surrendered and I can truly say with absolute conviction that I am a grateful, recovering alcoholic since the day I finally put the drink down for good on December 28, 2015.
I was a complete beast after my husband left and for the year after.
I blamed him for everything. Took no responsibility for my own actions or words and almost drank myself to death which was initially his fault (of course -lol!).
It took me having to take care of my own life and get my head out of my ass to save what was left of my life.
after leaving ICU I took time off of work and went into outpatient rehab which was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
I had a house and bills to take care of and after continuing to pay my sick self bills for over a year since he left, it was reasonable for him to be very eager to turn the responsibility over to me.
I thank God that he helped me that year because I truly would have lost everything. I hope that some day I can tell my now ex husband how grateful I am.
for now, he remains my ex husband.
we were divorced in may of 2016. It still makes me cry to say that.
I cannot keep my regrets or my anger and stay sober however.
for those of you who are thinking of leaving I can't imagine the heartache that you are going through. I cannot believe that I put him through that and I will forever be pained by the memory of what he went through.
he saved my life when he told me that he didn't love me anymore. He saved my life. The only things that kept me from dying was that he finally loved himself more than he loved me.
I thank god.
peace to all of you out there who continue to suffer with the devastation that this disease wreaks.
coco
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Thank you for the well wishes.
When I first got sober I couldn't even handle changing the liter boxes for the kitties!!! Many, many people have been amazingly patient with me.
it's been a long haul but I wouldn't change a thing or trade my sobriety for anything.
it takes a while to be able to begin to face the harm that you have done yourself and others and I am just beginning.
I'm glad that I accidentally found this forum again!!!!!!
When I first got sober I couldn't even handle changing the liter boxes for the kitties!!! Many, many people have been amazingly patient with me.
it's been a long haul but I wouldn't change a thing or trade my sobriety for anything.
it takes a while to be able to begin to face the harm that you have done yourself and others and I am just beginning.
I'm glad that I accidentally found this forum again!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose
Thank you for coming back to post your update, coco.
You have a lot of insight to share.
You have a lot of insight to share.
Oh I hope so!
Went with my sponsor to the detox unit my husband took me to 4 years ago to speak and couldn't stop crying.
I remember my husband dropping me off and crying when he left me. Said he felt like he was abandoning me. All about me and my disease, right?
At that point I really had no idea how bad I was.
That's part of the insanity. I'm in a detox because they are afraid I'm going to have a seizure and the day after I get out I take another drink, convinced that I can control it this time.
the lies we tell ourselves.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is one of the most important things I've ever read on this forum...
Thank you for coming back to share it
Originally Posted by cocokramer
Hi.
he saved my life when he told me that he didn't love me anymore. He saved my life. The only things that kept me from dying was that he finally loved himself more than he loved me.
I thank god.
he saved my life when he told me that he didn't love me anymore. He saved my life. The only things that kept me from dying was that he finally loved himself more than he loved me.
I thank god.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Thank you for coming back to share it
it takes a brave person to leave someone who is so sick because your natural response is to want to help them. But we can really only help ourselves.
and "rock bottom" is so different for so many people. And an alcoholics decision to get sober has no rhyme nor reason. No one, not even the alcoholic herself, can determine if or when it will happen.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Coco, your update made me ugly cry, thank you for sharing. I and so many others are struggling with the idea of leaving our loved ones, and I can't even begin to explain how much your post means to me. Congratulations on your sobriety, and thank you again!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
