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30 days ... need advice on people.

Old 12-16-2014, 06:28 PM
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30 days ... need advice on people.

I finally made it to 30 days without rehab in 10 yrs. I should be singing from the roof top, but I'm not. To be honest with you in my consious mind I'm not stuggling with not drinking. I'm stuggling with accepting people who I find irritating. Basically I'm dealing with people in an outpatient group for various mental health. These people including myself are very high functioning and intelligent people. But they can be so judgemental of new people who come in the group who are struggling or meds haven't kicked in. Very clickish on top of it. I tend to be my own person and for some reason have always stood for the underdog. Well over the last few months a new guy comes along who is a little out there. Well these people just constantly put him down and shun him. I find myself always trying to make them remember where we are and we all have seen some dark times or we wouldn't be there. Well it keeps going on and on and I'm tired of being civil about it . I want to scream at them, cuss them out and remind them all that they have spent some time in the psych ward at one time or another.
I'm letting these people steal the shine from my 30 day sober sucess. I know the right thing is to ignore it or maybe even look deeper inside myself to see why this is bugging me so much. Question : can you give me advice or suggestions on how to not let these judgemental people who really shouldn't be judging another fellow mental health peer not get under my skin? I know... I'm judging them too...I just want peace about it and refocus on staying sober. Thx
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Old 12-16-2014, 06:32 PM
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I tend to cheer for the underdog, too. I really really really dislike bullies. In this setting, isn't there a moderator??? a counselor??? Who oversees this group? That's the person you should talk to. . . the person who can put a stop to it. I sure hope this new person can find healing in spite of these bitter comments. God bless you for caring and wanting to defend against the bullies.
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Old 12-16-2014, 06:33 PM
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And congrats on your sober time. Every day is a day to celebrate!!! So happy for you.
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Old 12-16-2014, 06:43 PM
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Is there a moderator or facilitator at the meetings to keep the focus on track and positive? He or she should be abe to deflect or redirect a negative 'pack mentality'. Perhaps you could speak to him or her about concerns.

But, I agree, don't let anyone steal your shine; it has been hard earned, I am sure. You most likely won't change their behaviors through a confrontation. Continue to be the voice of support, reason and compassion; it may eventually sink in.
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Old 12-16-2014, 06:46 PM
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Altoids thx. Funny u should suggest talking to the counselor because it did cross my mind, but I also thought that might be childish. Can u tell me why you suggest talking to the counselor.
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Old 12-16-2014, 06:47 PM
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Altoids, were we on the same wavelength or what??!!
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Old 12-16-2014, 06:57 PM
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Thx soberleigh, u r right on point confrontation won't solve anything. I don't think the counselors know it is going on or don't realize how bad it is because these people sneak around in hallways, bathrooms or smoke area and say very unsupportive negative things about the person. Now they don't say things as openly in my presence any longer cause they know I'm going to call them on it. Which depending on how you look at it is a good thing because I refuse to jump on this band wagon to go along to get along. But I want peace in my own head... I may just be pissed. Is it ok to be pissed off when newly getting sober?
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by mistory5 View Post
Thx soberleigh, u r right on point confrontation won't solve anything. I don't think the counselors know it is going on or don't realize how bad it is because these people sneak around in hallways, bathrooms or smoke area and say very unsupportive negative things about the person. Now they don't say things as openly in my presence any longer cause they know I'm going to call them on it. Which depending on how you look at it is a good thing because I refuse to jump on this band wagon to go along to get along. But I want peace in my own head... I may just be pissed. Is it ok to be pissed off when newly getting sober?
First of all...congrats on 30 days! You ROCK!

Second...it's ok to be pissed off early in sobriety just DON'T drink over it. If you can avoid being pissed that's better but life does not always allow that. (As I'm sure you know) :-/

As far as those idiots who are picking on that poor person, I personally would talk to the counselor in private and let him/her know what's going on. That is so immature what they are doing and I would want someone to stick up for ME! I'm the type of person that has no trouble calling people out who do stuff like that though. Heck...I hate bullies so much that I would probably just tell the counselor in front of them. But you could do it in private or write an anonymous letter too.

Do you think the person being bullied is aware of it or upset over it?
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by mistory5 View Post
Thx soberleigh, u r right on point confrontation won't solve anything. I don't think the counselors know it is going on or don't realize how bad it is because these people sneak around in hallways, bathrooms or smoke area and say very unsupportive negative things about the person. Now they don't say things as openly in my presence any longer cause they know I'm going to call them on it. Which depending on how you look at it is a good thing because I refuse to jump on this band wagon to go along to get along. But I want peace in my own head... I may just be pissed. Is it ok to be pissed off when newly getting sober?
I don't know if it's okay but I know that I was.

One of the things that I noticed when I first became sober was that so many people and things seemed different; I finally realized that many things had changed while I was 'checked out' emotionally. I began to see with my sober eyes what I had failed to see otherwise.

We have to get used to our new sober eyes, ears, mind and heart. The adjustment takes a while.
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Old 12-16-2014, 08:03 PM
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I think it is perfectly fine to to pissed off in early sobriety, it's just as ok as being happy or sad, or anxious or whatever; we are humans, and emotional. Much of the learning I did in sobriety was learning how to deal with my emotions. I had spent so long drinking to avoid my feelings that when I stopped they became that much more strong and difficult to deal with.

This is when meetungs were great, because u could see others were going thru similar emotions and I wasn't alone.

Good for you for sticking to your values. I hate bullies, were are all here on the planet together, why can't everyone respect that?
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:04 PM
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Thx for letting me know its ok to be pissed and have other emotions. I have to become more self aware and accepting of these things called feelings( in my Spock voice). I'm like a baby learning how to not only walk but even crawl when it comes to feelings and not drinking over them. Although I didn't want to drink over being pissed, it was just so darn uncomfortable and taking up valuable space in my head. I don't want this to fester and start holding onto resentments that only end up hurting me. I'm so happy SR is here to help me work through these things instead of drinking. Thx you all r the best! Btw I think feeling feelings and accepting them are going to take some practice. Buts that's ok, that's how I did well in other areas of my life b4 drinking took over. Practice, practice, study, study!
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:25 PM
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Serindad, I really don't think he knows and if they said it to his face he would give them a mouthful of some reality and some not so much reality. He may become down right beligerant. Which I know me I would probably get a chuckle out of it. This guy is an old crochety loner cat man. Yes he's a little outside of the box for the group, but I just dont get the lack of empathy when each and everyone of them suck up air over every darn thing that's right or wrong with their life. I think I am going to discuss with a counselor how it makes me feel and not make it all about what they r doing . That's what I want to explore why is this bothering me. Why can't I not care about what they are doing. I think , pretty sure this is some kinda repeat . One that I would usually drink over. Thx for chiming in!
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:46 PM
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No experience to share except to say that being irritated - and being irritated in an IOP programme - seems to be pretty common.

Most times people putting other people down, especially in an early recovery setting, is a way to mask their own insecurities and worries, as well as a form of bonding with others - however distasteful.

My advice is to befriend those who seem on the outer. No matter what kind of insecurity fuels it, asshattery is asshattery and you don't have to condone it.

Congrats on 30 days

D
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Old 12-17-2014, 04:13 AM
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Mistory,
What a compassionate and awesome person you are!
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Old 12-17-2014, 04:49 AM
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Originally Posted by mistory5 View Post
Serindad, I really don't think he knows and if they said it to his face he would give them a mouthful of some reality and some not so much reality. He may become down right beligerant. Which I know me I would probably get a chuckle out of it. This guy is an old crochety loner cat man. Yes he's a little outside of the box for the group, but I just dont get the lack of empathy when each and everyone of them suck up air over every darn thing that's right or wrong with their life. I think I am going to discuss with a counselor how it makes me feel and not make it all about what they r doing . That's what I want to explore why is this bothering me. Why can't I not care about what they are doing. I think , pretty sure this is some kinda repeat . One that I would usually drink over. Thx for chiming in!
I think that's a great idea to focus on yourself and tell the counselor how it makes "you" feel!

You care about what these mean people are doing to that poor man because you have a good heart! Karma will catch up to those people!

Have a great day! Day 31 for you! You're awesome!!!
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Old 12-17-2014, 04:52 AM
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sounds like a good time to work on and hopefully understand the Serenity Prayer

MM
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