waggin

Well a couple weeks ago I walked away from my abf and stated my demands and that I'd be over here when he decides to stop being a jerk. He gets drunk throughout the day and becomes illogical and critical and angry and controlling. I however dont pick my battles and began responding with anger. I was "arguing with a drunk." So I walked away. He texted that he was sorry a few days later. He began detoxing the next day. I came back to him. He stopped on a saturday and by wednesday he was ok. It was so nice to see him sharp and alive again. I was gaga all over again. By the following saturday we were at a bowling alley having drinks and he his back to it. Yesterday he was pleasant but he was messed up all day and slept from 4pm til about 8. Then woke up to eat and pass out again by midnight or so.
I am ashamed that i am a bad influence on him. Part of me adopts a "if ya can't beat em, join em." We had a really nice night out bowling though. It was like old times and I felt close to him again. But I know it's a false closeness and it's not right. He cant possibly really love me or be my partner in life.
I have become way too overreactive and realizing more and more how codependent I am. I walked out of his house this morning AGAIN bc of a stupid argument. I feel like im going insane. And it's not like im getting my point across bc he thinks I'm an ahole. I guess what do I care. I get the impression he's living in a fog anyway. Im getting really tired and numb. I dont want to become a bitter old b****. I feel like im well on my way and it's my fault. All my choices.
Im sad and angry now and I feel like it oozes out of me. Like it's extremely apparent in first impressions. Im tightly wound. I give up

marie1960

When we choose better, we live better.

So he quit drinking for a few days.

Absolutely nothing has changed, in just a few days.

Thinking it is good that you are taking the time to evalute what is important to you in a relationship.

So what would you like to do next Waggin?

waggin

I need to get back to creating a life for myself. That was what I was up to when I met him last spring. Guess what I did? Left it by the wayside. Super smart.
But back to it. I need to type a few pages and collect a letter from someone to submit to the state for a license. Then I take a weekend class within the next month to catch up on continuing ed. Wait a few weeks and I'll have the first major step toward getting my career back.
Also im going to take my dog to the beach more. We did it today and it was really a good thing for the two if us (the dog and me, not the bf).
Is it possible to be with him and be healthy? Even if I wasnt a codependent with all sorts of issues? Obviously I wouldnt be with him unless I did have these issues. Ugh what a mess

waggin

Oh of course I left my laptop at his place. Awesome. An hour drive just to get there.
Seriously I screwed up.

marie1960

In your own words, he becomes illogical, critical, angry and controlling.

I don't know how even a Saint could feel healthy and happy living in that type of enviroment.

I believe you deserve better, don't you ? Nothing wrong with taking a few steps back and allowing him the dignity to address his issues. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but you certainly do not need to take a front row seat to all this madness.

You state he drinks all day, Does he not have a Job ?

waggin

No job. He is completing court-ordered counseling once a week and extra counseling one more time a week. But the additional therapist is so it'll look good to the courts and so he can get some medications since he has sleep/anxiety issues. Two hours a week of appts and he thinks he doesnt have time for a job. He also cites anxiety issues as a reason for no job. He has no driver's license due to multiple duis. He's living in his parents' spare bedroom currently.
I laid into him this morning that he didnt work and basically has no life. He stated that he doesnt have to work. If all goes to his plan, he doesnt bc of family $$$. But I know his parents are fed up and have indicated that he's getting booted. Im scared for him. But the more I read on here, the more im convinced he needs to experience having nobody to take care of him and maybe hitting rock-bottom. I dont know. Im tired and just sad. I used to work out when I was stressed. Now I just nap. I have no energy. Just depressed.

marie1960

IMHO, there is zero security with this guy.

Do you want to be responsible for keeping a roof over his head, and food in his belly for the rest of your life?

Time to raise the bar, there are plenty of available men who would make an excellent life partner, sorry to say, this guy doesn't sound like one of them.

Without a license and car how is he going to ever get a job ? Also if he does get his driver's license back, who is going to being the high insurance premiums? yikes !

Cut your losses and run in the opposite direction, save yourself sweetie!

((((hugs))))

waggin

And he just informed me he's re-upping his sailing certification and will be leaving for back home (the northeast) in a couple months. And that I was the one who decided we were over bc I left. He apparently cant rely on me. Bc he's been so reliable. I just cant cry hard enough right now. I am unloveable.
Oh and I make everything about me. That text just came through.
Totally giving up over here

SeriousKarma

Don't be so hard on yourself Waggin. What I see when I read your post is a person with an amazing ability for self reflection. That's a very valuable trait if you use it to your advantage. It sounds like your glass is a lot more than half full. You're intelligent, insightful, passionate. All good things. Just keep him in your rearview mirror and you'll do fine. Get that doggie to the beach, and maybe get yourself to an Alanon meeting.