Opening a can of worms...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Opening a can of worms...
I suppose you could say that I'm new to this forum. Truthfully I've been lurking around in the background, reading posts, in hopes of finding some guidance over the past few years. I live a life very closely surrounded by many addicts. I have been dealing with an alcoholic sister for as long as I can remember. I also have a close friend, who I consider a brother, currently in rehab for heroin addiction. But the addict in my life who has tortured me the most is my ex-boyfriend.
It's been a strange relationship that the two of us have shared. On again, off again for many years. A little over 2 years ago things ended very badly. It was one of those things that haunted me after it had ended. There was a large sum of money that was stolen. So many lies and manipulations. And I let it all happen. I just stood by and watch my life being torn apart, like I didn't know how to stop it. After he left, the only thing I could wonder was if he ever really loved me. I suppose it doesn't really matter, now does it? How can anyone so deep into an addiction truly love anyone when they love drugs so much. Yet I was obsessed, trying to figure out why it had happened, what I could have done to change the outcome. Looking back on it, I realize there are so many different things I could have done but it is too late now. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. I learned my lessons, but I still felt haunted. I never had closure.
The other week he had posted on Facebook that made me want to reach out. Over the years, I have been able to find some peace with this situation. I have written a series of letters that have never been sent. Each one has gotten less angry. After hearing his news, I wrote one more letter. I forgave him for what had happened and wished him well. For some reason, this time I decided to send it. What I thought would become closure, somehow opened up a whole new can of worms. I tried to predict all of the outcomes. For some reason, I failed to predict that he would write me back and apologize and tell me that he loved me. Yet, it came down to what it always comes down to... money. And because I am so hopelessly codependent, I gave it to him. I told him I needed receipts. He promised to give them to me. And then nothing for 4 days. I assumed I had finally gotten my closure. Yet, today he gets a hold of me like nothing happened. No receipts, no explanation. And I'm left feeling lost all over again.
I can't say that this experience has been all bad. I have been able to explore my codependent nature a little more in detail. I never really realized just how bad I was. Just tell me a sob story and I'll give you whatever you want. Interesting thing is, I refuse to put up with this behavior from my sister because it makes me so angry when she treats my mother this way. Yet, I am willing to take it from anyone else who dishes it out. I realize this is a learned trait. My mother takes it from my sister. Her mother put up with it from her father. Each generation is stuck in this cycle of codependency. I guess I just don't know how to pull myself out of it. Right now I'm just praying for the strength to walk away again, or at least set some healthy boundaries. I suppose I just needed to put this out there for someone who might understand what I'm going through.
It's been a strange relationship that the two of us have shared. On again, off again for many years. A little over 2 years ago things ended very badly. It was one of those things that haunted me after it had ended. There was a large sum of money that was stolen. So many lies and manipulations. And I let it all happen. I just stood by and watch my life being torn apart, like I didn't know how to stop it. After he left, the only thing I could wonder was if he ever really loved me. I suppose it doesn't really matter, now does it? How can anyone so deep into an addiction truly love anyone when they love drugs so much. Yet I was obsessed, trying to figure out why it had happened, what I could have done to change the outcome. Looking back on it, I realize there are so many different things I could have done but it is too late now. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. I learned my lessons, but I still felt haunted. I never had closure.
The other week he had posted on Facebook that made me want to reach out. Over the years, I have been able to find some peace with this situation. I have written a series of letters that have never been sent. Each one has gotten less angry. After hearing his news, I wrote one more letter. I forgave him for what had happened and wished him well. For some reason, this time I decided to send it. What I thought would become closure, somehow opened up a whole new can of worms. I tried to predict all of the outcomes. For some reason, I failed to predict that he would write me back and apologize and tell me that he loved me. Yet, it came down to what it always comes down to... money. And because I am so hopelessly codependent, I gave it to him. I told him I needed receipts. He promised to give them to me. And then nothing for 4 days. I assumed I had finally gotten my closure. Yet, today he gets a hold of me like nothing happened. No receipts, no explanation. And I'm left feeling lost all over again.
I can't say that this experience has been all bad. I have been able to explore my codependent nature a little more in detail. I never really realized just how bad I was. Just tell me a sob story and I'll give you whatever you want. Interesting thing is, I refuse to put up with this behavior from my sister because it makes me so angry when she treats my mother this way. Yet, I am willing to take it from anyone else who dishes it out. I realize this is a learned trait. My mother takes it from my sister. Her mother put up with it from her father. Each generation is stuck in this cycle of codependency. I guess I just don't know how to pull myself out of it. Right now I'm just praying for the strength to walk away again, or at least set some healthy boundaries. I suppose I just needed to put this out there for someone who might understand what I'm going through.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi BlueEyes, I too am glad you are here.
Sometimes it's hard to see a person for who they really are. We so want them to be well. Fact is, he took off with your money, again.
I think you should look at the big picture.
Tight Hugs.
Sometimes it's hard to see a person for who they really are. We so want them to be well. Fact is, he took off with your money, again.
I think you should look at the big picture.
Tight Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Oh no, I'm sorry. Ughhhh!!! The lies and manipulations are the worst! No actually, the worst thing is feeling like your entire relationship was one big lie. I know that feeling.
It sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself and you recognize the problem. You made a mistake. It happens. We want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even if they've screwed us before, we want to believe they are sorry. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and not make the same ones again. Please consider blocking this person from all social media, email, etc. And this probably doesn't help you feel any better but remember not to take his behavior personally (I know it's hard). Addicts will scam Jesus himself. It's not about the person, it's about the addiction.
It sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself and you recognize the problem. You made a mistake. It happens. We want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even if they've screwed us before, we want to believe they are sorry. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and not make the same ones again. Please consider blocking this person from all social media, email, etc. And this probably doesn't help you feel any better but remember not to take his behavior personally (I know it's hard). Addicts will scam Jesus himself. It's not about the person, it's about the addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Thanks for the support. I know the right move would be to walk away and cut myself off completely. It all seems so final, I suppose. Still, I know that's the right thing. I need to be done with this for good. The problem with him is that my actions defy logic. It's like I'm sitting back watching myself do the dumbest things ever but I can seem to stop anything that is happening.
I have learned not to take any of this personally. The person he was has been taken over by this addiction. If I keep letting him take from me, he will. Truthfully, I'm playing it rather cold right now and I'm hoping to be done with this by the end of the year. I'm actually supposed to be going on my first date since the end of this whole thing. Two years seems like forever but I know it's time for me to be moving on. I just hope that I have the strength to step away when the time is right. And I hope that time is very soon.
I have learned not to take any of this personally. The person he was has been taken over by this addiction. If I keep letting him take from me, he will. Truthfully, I'm playing it rather cold right now and I'm hoping to be done with this by the end of the year. I'm actually supposed to be going on my first date since the end of this whole thing. Two years seems like forever but I know it's time for me to be moving on. I just hope that I have the strength to step away when the time is right. And I hope that time is very soon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: OH
Posts: 21
BlueEyes, I can really relate to you in the worst way... I let my AXBF con me into doing something that was really against my will - I knew deep down it was wrong, and I didn't want it, but I allowed him to do it anyway. It has now left me with a permanent scar for the rest of my life. I am in a tremendous amount of pain right now all because I didn't have a backbone and couldn't say no.
It's horrible to have had this happen to you, but believe me, it's not the worst thing that could have happened... realize the error of your ways and feel good about cutting ties with this person. He is parasitic and only wants to use you. I know it's hard to really absorb that but it's the truth! He showed you immediately, once again, exactly who he is. If you need support, are experiencing feelings of guilt, or worrying you will wind up going back to helping him, we are always here to help talk some sense into you.
I have only been here a short while and see what an incredibly supportive place it is!
It's horrible to have had this happen to you, but believe me, it's not the worst thing that could have happened... realize the error of your ways and feel good about cutting ties with this person. He is parasitic and only wants to use you. I know it's hard to really absorb that but it's the truth! He showed you immediately, once again, exactly who he is. If you need support, are experiencing feelings of guilt, or worrying you will wind up going back to helping him, we are always here to help talk some sense into you.
I have only been here a short while and see what an incredibly supportive place it is!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
BlueEyes1982,
There came a time (an event of finality, to be truthful) when it no longer was
possible for this recurring nightmare to intrude into my well-lived life.
Do you want to know the truth about what I felt the day I learned?
Relief.
And that is something I have never consciously told another soul.
You deserve better. We all deserve better.
There came a time (an event of finality, to be truthful) when it no longer was
possible for this recurring nightmare to intrude into my well-lived life.
Do you want to know the truth about what I felt the day I learned?
Relief.
And that is something I have never consciously told another soul.
You deserve better. We all deserve better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Truthfully, I gave him such a small amount of money almost because I wanted to see what he would do. And it was relief when I got that immediate answer. I set out on this mission trying to obtain closure. And when he walked away and I didn't hear from him yet again, that was exactly what I got. I suppose I was more annoyed than anything when he got in touch yesterday. Because I had closure, and then he had to open that door just a crack, like he wanted to keep me on the hook.
Thank you all for your support. I'm starting to realize that I do deserve better. Sometimes I seem to let these old feelings from the past wear me down, that I will never find anyone, that I'm fat and ugly, that I should just take whatever I can get. He did that to me. Before him I was a strong, independent woman. After many years, I'm starting to find that again. I suppose I'm terrified of losing myself in all those feelings again. But then I remember that no person should have that much control over anyone. Especially someone who has so little regard for your well being.
Thank you all for your support. I'm starting to realize that I do deserve better. Sometimes I seem to let these old feelings from the past wear me down, that I will never find anyone, that I'm fat and ugly, that I should just take whatever I can get. He did that to me. Before him I was a strong, independent woman. After many years, I'm starting to find that again. I suppose I'm terrified of losing myself in all those feelings again. But then I remember that no person should have that much control over anyone. Especially someone who has so little regard for your well being.
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