ajarlson

Ah the dreaded words on the voice mail from the phone call I won't pick up. A family friend,dear person, love her very much, and she's sympathetic but to "both sides". Of course my mother is not doing well, she's addicted to pain pills and alcohol. Still no contact, but I am beginning to feel as if I should write a letter or something, perhaps send it with a small Christmas present. Will that assuage the senseless guilt I feel at not calling people back, not checking on her? Perhaps it's time for another visit to the counselor.

Kialua

Ahhh people who just don't get it. They mean well but they just don't get it. Specially if they say they have to see "both sides". You know they don't mean the abused neglected kid and the perpetrator. Brother. As if we are not being reasonable and if we were just reasonable we could affect a change in the alcoholic. That is just a trigger word for me sorry. I had a nurse call me once to tell me the doctor thought I should be by my enabling mother's side but I had quit rewarding that behavior so I called the doctor and told him. Story here in my blog: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-reality.html

I had contact with my folks and sent them presents but my mind and emotions were freed from them inflicting any further distress, I was emotionally disconnected. I could carry out some daughterly duties without being caught up in the storm of their alcoholism. Don't know how it will work for you. You have to find and set your own boundaries.

ajarlson

I am still working it out thanks. Only contact I have had with her since August has been to send piano movers over to collect my grandmother's piano when I got a message from her saying I could have it. Called her to say thanks, she was determined to show me she was ok so she drove to my house the next day. She then proceeded to tell me she was going out to dinner with the woman who had harassed me (right in front of my mom). I got off the roller coaster. I don't think I want to get back on even for the smooth parts because you just never know when the bottom will drop out.

ajarlson

I guess my dilemma right now is that this is a close family friend and I don't want to shut her out. On the other hand, I just don't feel like I have the energy to go through listening to her tell me "how my mom is doing" (poorly I'm sure) and explain again why I just can't be a part of it. I'm scheduling a session with the counselor and giving myself permission to wait until I talk to the counselor before making a decision whether to call her back or not. That in itself takes a load off. But it pisses me off that there is a load at all.

GracieLou

Good for you!

One thing I have learned is nothing I do has to be done right away. Even if I make a decision it does not have to be followed through with right away. I can give myself time.

Sometimes that may result in me changing my mind but more times than not it just let me get settled with my decision. When I have waited I am calm when I have made the final decision rather than feeling rushed and anxious.

Good for you for taking time for you! You are worth it!

ajarlson

Thanks everyone, it's great to have a place to talk about all this with people who really understand and are going through the same things.

Kialua

Glad you are calm and have a plan.

ajarlson

Sort of calm. I have to talk myself through the anxiety when it wells up LOL.

WMJ1012

Only God knows if/what kind of contact you should/should not have right now.
As for the close family friend, unless there is an imminent danger of your mother being in serious health trouble, the friend's motives aren't honest. She might not know that on a surface level though.

ajarlson

I'm sure my mother asked her to call me as I won't answer any of my mother's calls. And it's entirely possible that my mother is in serious health trouble, but I am not going to be sucked into any of it anymore. 5 years ago she was in serious health trouble and I tried to be there for her, and had my life sucked away as a result of social workers telling me I "had" to take her in as she couldn't be alone. Of course she used and abused, crapped all over my walls and was out of it the entire time. Called 911 and had them take her away and that was the last time. So if I even go near it, I lose.

GracieLou

You are doing the best things for you and that is important.

Do not get sucked back in. You are healthier and happier now. Hold on to that!

WMJ1012

aj
Do you have a program of recovery in any fellowship? Face to face meetings?

ajarlson

I have a counselor that I see when I need to. More for tune ups. I did the meetings long ago when I was learning how to deal with my alcoholic ex-husband. She is helping me apply the lessons I learned to my mother. It's harder because you don't have the support from society when it comes to not contacting a parent, and for some reason the mother/daughter thing makes people think I'm responsible for her, even though she didn't even raise me for most of my childhood. So it's more the examination of my guilt and where it's coming from that we're working on now.

GracieLou

I get this, I mean I really GET THIS!

Society looks down on children that do not have contact with their mother and it is even more so for daughters that don't have contact.

I am NC with my mother and I felt all that shame and guilt but not anymore. I am at peace. My life is calm and I have serenity, I could not maintain that with her in my life.

I am so blessed to have people in my life that while they may not understand narcissism, they support me and love me unconditionally. They do not judge me or make any harsh or snide comments. They know I am doing what is best for me just like you are doing what is best for you.

If people choose to walk away from me because of it then well, I guess they are not supposed to be in my life, I won't waste my time trying to convince them otherwise. That is their choice, they have that right just as I have my right.

We only get one life and I refuse to live a part of it being hyper-vigilant just so I can fit into a mold that others feel I should fit into or in the attempt to please one person, my mother, that is not capable of love.

I choose not to live my life that way. I deserve to have a life filled with laughter and love with people around me that are capable of empathy and compassion and that is the kind of person I want to be as well.

I just simply can't have that with her in my life. There are people that understand and I get validation and that is a powerful thing. It only takes one person saying "Me too" or "I understand" to make a difference.

WMJ1012

I spent thousands of dollars and years in therapy and it never got me well because therapists, unless they're recovered from the same condition I am, can't touch me like another adult child who has.

Entering 12-step fellowship led me on a path to various things that over time, within these fellowships, are healing me. The principles of the 12 steps are guiding suggestions to healing for myself and those around me.

It does take willingness though.

dbh

Just wanted to say that I understand too.

There was a two year period where my alcoholic father could no longer live alone and social workers would tell me that they needed someone in the family to take care of him. Ugh!

I stuck to my guns and just kept saying over and over again that living with family was NOT an option. He had alienated his family long ago. It was one of the most difficult periods of my life, but in the long run it ended up to be quite healing.

Everytime I told his/our story, it took some of the power away. I felt less guilty and ashame of my past.

There was one particular social worker who seemed completely clueless about the dynamics of growing up in an alcholic home. Then I realized that most were only interested in getting my dad out of the bed in their facility.

I evently found people who could actually help me and ended up finding him a home where he could live that was within his income level (which wasn't much!). After a period of time I also helped with paperwork to place him in a nursing home.

When he died, I made sure he had a service in the church he grew up in. I couldn't erase the damage and pain that he had caused during his life, but I tried to help him die with a little bit of dignity.

The key for me was to only do what I felt I was capable of doing. There were many times I had to envision putting my father in the hands of his higher power.

Sending you positive thoughts and strength as you go through this difficult time.

db

tromboneliness

This is pretty much what happened with my Dad, during his last couple of years. He was rattling around in the 3200-square-foot house I grew up in, which he and my Mom had persistently refused to move out of, until the point where she fell on the ice and went to the hospital one winter, and through a long string of complications, screwups, and generally having the health-care system throw her under the bus, she died 11 months later, never having been discharged. During and after her hospitalization, my Dad kept trying to manipulate me into moving back in with him, but I avoided it. Eventually, he succeeded in manipulating one, then another, of my cousins into moving in -- basically exchanging free lodging for carting him around. My Dad was impossible -- my standard phrase is "raging, alcoholic control freak" -- and the younger cousin could only stand living with him for a few months. Then, just when the older one had decided he couldn't stand it either and was going to get an apartment -- presumably leaving my Dad, by that point 90, increasingly frail, and with no way of getting around, thanks to the state having had the good sense to pull his license -- my Dad had an episode of his own, of some sort, that required hospitalization (the doctors surmised that it might have been, curiously enough, something caused by alcohol withdrawal, from his having given in to one of my sister's many attempts to get him to try to give it up -- and no longer get up in the middle of the night, make himself a Manhattan, and totter back to his bedroom, spilling half the drink on the floor because of his quasi-Parkinson's shakiness). After that, he did come home, but required round-the-clock home care -- not provided by me. Honestly, I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't had that episode -- my cousin would have finally moved out, leaving him there, and... I shudder to think about it. Well, he died, so I don't have to -- but it's a scary scenario, in any case.

This stuff is hard. Those "your parent isn't doing well" people do not understand.

T

ajarlson

Wow thanks all. There are so many people out there, well intentioned and otherwise, who just don't get it, it's so great to be able to talk to people that get it 100%. My kids are actually happy that I am doing this, happy for me and for them LOL. All their lives growing up she would promise this or that and never deliver. How sad to hear a child say, grama promised me <xxx> but I know it's not going to happen. I guess the holidays make it harder, but she chose the alcohol and drugs over her family, I didn't choose that. So I come here, vent, talk to people that have the same experiences, and get comfort knowing that in the end, this is the right thing to do. Thanks!