Tetra

I have been sober since July 12th.

I had a good day at work. I am over two weeks into my new job and I like it.

I went to the dentist after work and everything is fine.

Then my mom accuses me of drinking, even though I wasn't "because my voice sounds funny on the phone".

It seems like she sees me happy and she has to ruin it.

I asked her why she would say such a thing that isn't true and she said "remember the heartbreak I went through last summer?"

Now I feel so alone and dead guilty.

Dee74

I really think you should consider going no contact, at least with your mum, for a while Tetra.

This is not the first time she's said this, and not the first time it's left you feeling this way.

D

Soberpotamus

Tetra, my mom used to say awful things to hurt me too. It seemed she'd say them when I was happiest. No idea why people are that way, especially mothers. It makes no sense. All I can imagine is that they must be in some kind of great pain.

You aren't alone. Don't feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong!

Brush it off and keep going forward. *hugs*

least

If it were me, I wouldn't be talking to her for a while and I'd tell her why too. Cause she upsets me and says hurtful things.

trachemys

You're not alone. We're here.

People can be mean. Ignore them. I have to do so with my sisters from time to time.

pattyj

There seems to be a pattern with some of us and our mothers. Do guys have the same tricky relationship with their dads or is it just moms and daughters? I have to have space from my mom. I hardly talk on the phone with her because she doesn't seem to care about anything I have to say or she is already drunk and I can't call until after work. I only see her when it's for family occasions. Good luck!

Soberwolf

I agree with D & least this isnt the first time she has said such things i would keep my distance

Big hugs Tetra you have nothing to feel guilty about

SoberLeigh

Hi Tetra; are you still living with your parents?

I agree with the others that no or limited contact may be a good practice for a while; if you still live with them, that may not be possible so a discussion concerning boundaries and healthy communication practices might be in order.

Tonks

Hello Tetra, love your avatar. I think Dee has given you some solid advice. And you're not alone! Not at all.

Patty, I go through the same thing with both my parents and will spend quite a long time without talking to them. Then we start up a dialogue and I'll be very open with them and then all of a sudden, usually when I'm on cloud 9, they come along and say something that sh!ts all over my parade.

I'm 31 and they are still able to affect me negatively if I allow them too. If it affects me too much, I usually just give them a time-out.

Hope7726

Tetra, I hope your mother is generally supportive of your recovery but reading these other comments, I get the impression she may not be. I do not struggle with addiction or alcoholism myself, I just read the new posts sometimes. I know what it feels like to love someone who suffers from addiction and it can be so scary. As loved ones of As in recovery, we have fear and anxiety of that person possibly relapsing, and we also have to work on moving forward from hurtful things she did while drinking/using. On top of that is the important task of recognizing our own codependent behavior, negative influence, lack of support, etc., and learning from that. Often times we have acted just as crazy as our ALOs!

I don't say any of that to make you feel guilty. I know how hard it is for each side to understand the other.

Don't let the guilt eat you up. You have a nice little chunk of clean time under your belt and that's awesome! You can't change the past. All you can do is stay sober and keep improving your life. If you find yourself being hurt by your mom too often, I agree it might be a good idea to distance yourself from her. Her staying stuck in the past won't do anything but bring you down.

Weasel1966

((((HUGS)))) Tetra

biminiblue

Tetra, your mom is likely not going to "get it" anytime soon - I'd guess that she'll never stop with these kinds of statements. If it's not drinking, it will be something else, right? She's worried and is not discussing this appropriately.

With that said, can you tell her that any discussion at all about your possibly drinking is OFF LIMITS?

I had to make these kinds of rules with my mother. If she brought up the touchy subject, I would say immediately, "Mom, this conversation is over, and you know why." Then I'd leave or hang up.

No contact for a while would be great if you think you can manage it. Ignoring her would be better, and limiting these types of discussions would be the best. At some point you're going to have to learn to cope with this. You cannot control her, but you can leave or hang up without letting it affect you.

aasharon90

I wish and pray that one day you will
be strong and secured enough in life
and recovery to find a place all of your
own. A peaceful, lovely place that will
bring you lots of joy.

I pray that all the promises that come
with remaining sober or clean come
true for you and that those gifts will
strengthen you, bring you happiness,
and health into being a strong person
for many yrs to come.

melki

(((((Tetra))))) Don't dwell on it. You know it isn't true. Do something nice for yourself tonight. Tomorrow will be better.

Anna

I've said this before myself, many times, and I feel it's by far the best choice for you, Tetra.

jaynie04

Tetra…my mother likely has a personality disorder. I have learned that little or no contact is the best route. I really agree with Dee and Anna. "non-chosen relationships" can be some of the most confusing because most societies perpetuate the myth that all mothers have their children's best interest in mind. Not all mothers do, and words can bruise just as much as hands. I have followed your posts for a long time. I might suggest reading up on toxic mothers…it might help.

Your sobriety is yours and you should be mighty proud of what you have accomplished. Just think, at least you got the dreaded dentist out of the way. Sending support and hugs.

ChgoReason

I think it is just unhappy people. I swear my dad cannot see anyone of us happy, without him pointing out something wrong in our lives. He does this to everyone he meets. He's not a drunk by any means just a lonely fellow. I notice my sister is becoming like this too.

MIRecovery

Any mistrust I receive from people who care about me I earned. I'm 5 years sober and I still get your eyes look funny.

I stay sober for myself and others can think what they may

PurpleKnight

SR is in your corner Tetra, as already mentioned less contact with your mum and a few boundaries to stop her affected you in this way may be an idea!!

Hang in there!!

Justincredible

I defenitely am a dude who has issues with his Dad. I can only handle him in small doses. Some issues I need to work out I guess. But I am 35 and still very affected by the things he says and does if I'm not on guard. I feel bad typing that but its the truth and am thankful I can share openly on SR.