VirgoRising

I guess I am posting this more than anything just to vent how I am feeling, and maybe hoping others have gone through the same thing and can give me some comfort.

I haven't spoken to my addicted ex in a couple of weeks now. After getting some really devastating and unexpected news, I KNEW right then and there that the relationship really had to end (have broken up many times but it never stuck because he'd always weasle his way back in somehow and I stupidly let him in). Maybe it was a wimpy way to do it, but it was the only way I knew how - I sent him a long email (not too long though because he knows all the issues) and basically told him to stay away, leave me alone, never speak to me or initiate contact with me ever again, etc. I really emphasized that this is it, that I've had enough, and really mean it when I say I don't want to ever see him again.

Like many of you here, I'm having a hard time with that. I haven't looked at any of his social media stuff or looked over old emails or anything like that - I've been totally avoiding it, but my thoughts are still pretty focused on him, and I feel such an overwhelming sadness for WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN, just like I always have from the time things really started to deteriorate.

So, back to that news I got... it's too painful to even spell out, and I'm so afraid I would be judged negatively for it here, but basically, I had to make a very, very painful decision - probably the most painful and heartbreaking decision of my life. And while I don't regret it, I sure as hell regret the circumstances around it, and keep playing in my head "if only he could have been this way or that way... why did he have to mess it up so bad..." and just ruminating about how he's like this really beautiful and tortured person, and how I feel so sad for him, yet how can you feel bad for an old dog that bites you over and over again? This man has caused me more torture, suffering, and pain than he can ever comprehend. Sometimes I really do think he is a psychopath (which came first, the drugs or the psychopathy?)

I'm just feeling really, really sad today... overwhelmed with sadness and emotion. I can't stop crying and I feel really alone. I wanted so much for this person to be decent and he couldn't be, and it seemed so easy to me. I realize he just isn't capable of that. But it really does hurt because of what I've lost...

When you get mixed up with an addict, I find that one of two things happen: 1) you flounder around in stagnation for years, possibly even decades with nothing ever changing and you always suffering; or 2) you get REALLY burned. Maybe both, who knows. But that's generally been my experience and that of friends and family. I'm glad to have not wasted decades with this person, and that I haven't brought children into the situation, and I KNOW for sure it's over now, but I've nonetheless been burned really bad and my heart is hurting worse than it ever has. I know I have to, but I'm having a hard time contemplating how I will ever get over this.

Hope7726

I'm so sorry Virgo. If it makes you feel any better, you are certainly not alone. So many of us have felt the same way, myself included. It's been almost two months now since I have seen or spoken to my AXBF. He just up and left so it wasn't like I chose to end things at that moment but regardless, having no contact has helped in healing.

I can feel myself getting better each day. Especially since we finally got news about him last week and discovered he was alive and safe (as safe as someone in active addiction living god knows where can be). Don't get me wrong, I've been full of rage a lot of times since then, but it has helped not to wonder anymore. I have accepted that I will never understand how or why this happened, I will never get answers from him, and I have to find my own closure. I'm fully prepared to do that. I don't want to be unhappy and afraid anymore. I don't ever want to give so much of myself to someone who has nothing to give in return.

While I am still angry, hurt, sad, shocked, and a million other things, I no longer mourn what could have been. I can hardly remember the person I thought he was before I found out about his addiction. It's sad but that's what this illness does. It takes away the person you love, turns him into a stranger, and makes it hard to remember the way the way he used to be. Sadly, it also makes you question how well you ever knew him to begin with. It's nearly impossible for me to mourn who he was and what could have been because all I can think about is who he is right now, and I hate that person.

I promise you will feel better. Keep doing what you're doing. No contact is hard but it's what is best. You're doing a good thing by not looking online and at old pictures, emails, letters, etc. I was digging out Christmas stuff a couple of weeks ago and found all of the old cards my ex had given me. Just seeing the envelopes made my heart sink. I thought about throwing them away but I just put them back without opening them. Maybe one day I can read them without getting upset.

When you say, "I can't stop crying and I feel so alone" - that was me a few short weeks ago. It's amazing how much different I feel today. I still cry sometimes, I still feel alone. But it's not overwhelming. It comes and goes. I no longer have bad days, just bad moments. I can't remember if you ever mentioned whether you attend Nar/Al-Anon and/or counseling? I have found those things so helpful, along with the desire to really want to feel better. I let myself mourn and feel miserable for weeks, and I don't regret it. But I don't want to feel like that anymore. I am slowly pulling myself out of the rabbit hole. I was moving at snail's pace before but now I'm getting out faster. I'm not putting expectations on myself trying to figure out exactly when I will feel "normal" again. I know I will. And you will too, I absolutely guarantee it. Be good to yourself and be patient with yourself. What you're (we're) going through is HARD.

VirgoRising

Thank you so much for listening, Hope.

I'm so sorry to hear about your AXBF. I am familiar with what you are going through. I actually dealt with this as a child, repeatedly, when my alcoholic/addicted father would just vanish from our home, sometimes for weeks at a time. I remember it was incredibly frightening. I guess at the time I had no option to escape that, but you are fortunate in the sense that you can move on as you have, knowing that there is nothing you can do about the choices he makes.

I have often puzzled over why my ex continues to make such bad choices, not only for me and our relationship, but also for himself. I just don't understand it. He is not the type to run away as he is very dependent on his parents (and they enable him in really disgusting ways). Even though he has had so much handed to him, he sabotages it and can never truly appreciate any of it. Even when I have treated him so well, he's reacted by tearing me down and going through the whole abuse cycle where he comes back begging for forgiveness, being sweet, and then turning into a monster again. Somehow, we feel pity for people like this even when we are the ones deserving of so much more pity, empathy, and concern. It's so sad how we forget to love ourselves in the course of it all.

I'm sorry to hear about the Christmas cards. I can relate to that so well. Right now, everything reminds me of him. I can't listen to a song without remembering him, or some place where we were when we heard it together. I don't think I'll ever be able to be near the parks and places we used to go without thinking of him and feeling a sadness and sinking feeling in my heart. It's like the pain you typically associate with a break-up but amplified a thousand times because you can't understand their behavior, you can't understand WHY, and somewhere deep down you still want to have that little bit of hope. I know now there is no use in hoping - there can't be anymore, not now that this has happened to me. I know it's awful to say, but I am just going on as if this was a death. I am telling myself he just doesn't exist anymore and that I need to move on as best I can.

I have thought about Nar/Al-Anon but felt kind of nervous about going. I'm shy, and I visualize myself feeling awkward there, but maybe I just need to push myself to go. Everyone says it does a world of good. I have been seeing a counselor for the last year and a half but she just listens - which is nice, but I would really like to find someone who is more interactive with me in the whole process of talking about my feelings, motivations, and the mystery of who I am. I still don't know why I put myself through this, and I don't think I will ever completely understand it. I have been in about five long-term relationships total - all the other ones were pretty straight-laced and normal, and certainly nowhere near being drug addicts or addicts of any type at all.

I hope we learned enough this time around not to ever repeat this with someone else. That is what I am very afraid of now.

Much love to you, Hope, and thank you for your kindness and encouragement at a time when I need it so much. Please feel free to PM me anytime if you ever need to talk about any of this.