Where Talking to XAH for the First Time in 2 Years has gotten me so far
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Where Talking to XAH for the First Time in 2 Years has gotten me so far
He didn't agree to anything but said he would consider my suggestions for the divorce negotiation. I gave him lots of information about the children that I wouldn't normally in trying to set a positive tone. I put myself, my true self, in the conversation and I remembered why I used to like him and how it was to be married to him.
I was happy. I wrote to the church pastor and told him the good news. Having just been offered help from the church, I told him I wouldn't need it.
I am a big, fat idiot!!!
So Xah was supposed to call today to continue the negotiation. But 7 minutes before the scheduled phone call, he wrote to say he wouldn't talk today because he hasn't spoken to his lawyer yet. She was to speak to my lawyer.
One of the reasons for trying to negotiate was to avoid spending more money on my lawyer. I don't have any money to spend on my lawyer and I didn't ask her to get involved with the negotiation. But there you have it, more billable hours to me.
Also, his lawyer told my lawyer that he would be more ready to negotiate the financial aspect of the divorce if I promise not to bring on any more court involvement regarding the visitation with the children. So, next time he exposes my teenager to photos of his privates, for instance, I'm to keep mum?!
Do I sound like I am becoming irate? Deep breathe, Pippi. Deep breathe.
Furthermore, he still has much of my personal belongings trapped in our house. Now he says he doesn't want me to go to the house and get my things because it will interrupt his visit with the children. He says that he will deliver them to my mother's house himself.
I want to get in my car and drive away and disappear never to be seen again!!!
Why did I have hope after all of these years? This is the kind of idiotic personality I was born with.
I was happy. I wrote to the church pastor and told him the good news. Having just been offered help from the church, I told him I wouldn't need it.
I am a big, fat idiot!!!
So Xah was supposed to call today to continue the negotiation. But 7 minutes before the scheduled phone call, he wrote to say he wouldn't talk today because he hasn't spoken to his lawyer yet. She was to speak to my lawyer.
One of the reasons for trying to negotiate was to avoid spending more money on my lawyer. I don't have any money to spend on my lawyer and I didn't ask her to get involved with the negotiation. But there you have it, more billable hours to me.
Also, his lawyer told my lawyer that he would be more ready to negotiate the financial aspect of the divorce if I promise not to bring on any more court involvement regarding the visitation with the children. So, next time he exposes my teenager to photos of his privates, for instance, I'm to keep mum?!
Do I sound like I am becoming irate? Deep breathe, Pippi. Deep breathe.
Furthermore, he still has much of my personal belongings trapped in our house. Now he says he doesn't want me to go to the house and get my things because it will interrupt his visit with the children. He says that he will deliver them to my mother's house himself.
I want to get in my car and drive away and disappear never to be seen again!!!
Why did I have hope after all of these years? This is the kind of idiotic personality I was born with.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I think it's normal to hope that someone we love gets better.
Re: the pictures, I don't know what you've done so far about this with the authorities, but this is a felony. Seems to me it would trump anything else. Are his visits with the kids supervised?
Re: the pictures, I don't know what you've done so far about this with the authorities, but this is a felony. Seems to me it would trump anything else. Are his visits with the kids supervised?
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Join Date: May 2010
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Pippi, breathe. First off, call the church back and tell them you were hasty to say you don't need the help, that you misjudged your X and still need the help. That was not a wise move as this is a man you cannot depend on.
Now, this is just my opinion. However, let me ask you this. Even if you agree to such a crazy thing, could it even be enforced? I doubt it. Definitely a legal question for your attorney. If he is a danger to your children, it's your duty to report it.
So, can you send him a message that says something along the lines of, "I understand and am wondering if your attorney can speak with me as I don't have the funds to pay my attorney to get involved with this in my behalf." Then you could possibly speak to his attorney?
I don't know the legality of any of this, it is just my thought. In dealing with a man with an obvious personality disorder such as your X, I would advise to be as amicable as possible. Even if you don't mean it. I have to do the same with my X b/c if not, it's a constant battle. I personally don't even like my X, but he is the father of my children and I am much better off to have a personable relationship with him than being enemies where he will use our children. Every single step I make I think of how it will affect my children.
Lastly, I will also say, don't forget who he really is. He is a creep who treats you and your children badly. He is looking out for his #1 which will always be himself.
I know it stinks to have to be calculating in every step you make, however in dealing with people like this, it is what has to be done much too often.
Tight Hugs. Stay calm and stay the course.
XXX
Now, this is just my opinion. However, let me ask you this. Even if you agree to such a crazy thing, could it even be enforced? I doubt it. Definitely a legal question for your attorney. If he is a danger to your children, it's your duty to report it.
So, can you send him a message that says something along the lines of, "I understand and am wondering if your attorney can speak with me as I don't have the funds to pay my attorney to get involved with this in my behalf." Then you could possibly speak to his attorney?
I don't know the legality of any of this, it is just my thought. In dealing with a man with an obvious personality disorder such as your X, I would advise to be as amicable as possible. Even if you don't mean it. I have to do the same with my X b/c if not, it's a constant battle. I personally don't even like my X, but he is the father of my children and I am much better off to have a personable relationship with him than being enemies where he will use our children. Every single step I make I think of how it will affect my children.
Lastly, I will also say, don't forget who he really is. He is a creep who treats you and your children badly. He is looking out for his #1 which will always be himself.
I know it stinks to have to be calculating in every step you make, however in dealing with people like this, it is what has to be done much too often.
Tight Hugs. Stay calm and stay the course.
XXX
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Call the pastor back and tell him there was a delay and you do need the assistance after all.
A phone call between the lawyers will be much cheaper than court appearances--still worth it if it advances a possible settlement on some issues.
Obviously his visitation with the kids is relevant to the money only to the extent it affects the time with him vs time with you.
And if he delivers your belongings to your mom's, that should be acceptable to you. You can inventory it when he does that.
Stay the course, breathe. This can still work out, and if it doesn't, you're no worse off than before. It could be that if the lawyers talk, his lawyer will recommend that he work out the money part.
A phone call between the lawyers will be much cheaper than court appearances--still worth it if it advances a possible settlement on some issues.
Obviously his visitation with the kids is relevant to the money only to the extent it affects the time with him vs time with you.
And if he delivers your belongings to your mom's, that should be acceptable to you. You can inventory it when he does that.
Stay the course, breathe. This can still work out, and if it doesn't, you're no worse off than before. It could be that if the lawyers talk, his lawyer will recommend that he work out the money part.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
So, can you send him a message that says something along the lines of, "I understand and am wondering if your attorney can speak with me as I don't have the funds to pay my attorney to get involved with this in my behalf." Then you could possibly speak to his attorney?
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Oh I see. As I said, I don't know the legality. I do however agree this would be handled better between attorneys and would cost less than showing up in court.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
It's unethical for a lawyer to communicate with a represented party, without the consent of the other lawyer.
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Ditto everything that Hopeful said. I am dealing with a XAH with a personality disorder, as well. I must focus on my own recovery and sanity everyday in order to stay off his Crazytrain. It's extremely difficult when it's your children who are involved.
I have no advice for you, because every situation is so different. However, at a certain point, if you want happiness and peace in your life, you are probably going to have to make some hard decisions about your life, especially for the sake of your kids. You might need to move back to the United States, find Al-Anon, a therapist, get legal aid and just finally let a judge deal with the situation. You might not be in the locale you want, you might not get your stuff back, you might be poor for the rest of your life. I've found that the peace is worth it.
I have no advice for you, because every situation is so different. However, at a certain point, if you want happiness and peace in your life, you are probably going to have to make some hard decisions about your life, especially for the sake of your kids. You might need to move back to the United States, find Al-Anon, a therapist, get legal aid and just finally let a judge deal with the situation. You might not be in the locale you want, you might not get your stuff back, you might be poor for the rest of your life. I've found that the peace is worth it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Pippi....when dealing with a true narcissist.....your good will will never be properly appreciated. There is a saying that properly applies in this kind of situation: "Do not offer your hand;if you offer your hand...they will take your arm".
This is sooo true.
dandylion
This is sooo true.
dandylion
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Your ex sounds a lot like mine. And my personality sounds a lot like yours.
It was difficult for me to accept that people around my -- my friends, my lawyer -- were right when they said "any time you make a concession, he will try to force another one."
I had to dig in and go on the attack. That was the only way to not get run over. It sucked (and sucks big time -- still paying off the lawyer years later) but I hope you're stubborn enough to not make any concessions that your lawyer doesn't tell you are necessary.
It was difficult for me to accept that people around my -- my friends, my lawyer -- were right when they said "any time you make a concession, he will try to force another one."
I had to dig in and go on the attack. That was the only way to not get run over. It sucked (and sucks big time -- still paying off the lawyer years later) but I hope you're stubborn enough to not make any concessions that your lawyer doesn't tell you are necessary.
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A snake is a snake, proceed accordingly.
From my perspective, it seems like you might eventually have to make a decision between being right and being free of your ex. I'd rather be free of my ex than have to depend on his money, goodwill, kindness, or forgiveness. YMMV.
From my perspective, it seems like you might eventually have to make a decision between being right and being free of your ex. I'd rather be free of my ex than have to depend on his money, goodwill, kindness, or forgiveness. YMMV.
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Yes, I am realizing more and more that I need my freedom from my ex more than I need a good deal out of the divorce. Freedom is worth more than money.
The question on the table is, will he actually let this negotiation come to something, or is he dragging me through the mud tied by my hair to the back of a runaway cart? It is almost Christmas, I have to get on a flight across the Atlantic in a few days and I don't have time, energy, mental resources to waste. But I thought that maybe the whole Christmas spirit, or the desire to look decent in front of his parents, might get him to resolve this matter finally. And I want the children and I and my extended family to have peace. Having the divorce negotiation finalized would give us peace. We need peace. Everyone is going through this, not just me.
So I just talked to my attorney, and she is calling his attorney to try to resolve things. And to say that I am disappointed that he didn't continue the conversation today as scheduled.
I just want the suffering to end.
The question on the table is, will he actually let this negotiation come to something, or is he dragging me through the mud tied by my hair to the back of a runaway cart? It is almost Christmas, I have to get on a flight across the Atlantic in a few days and I don't have time, energy, mental resources to waste. But I thought that maybe the whole Christmas spirit, or the desire to look decent in front of his parents, might get him to resolve this matter finally. And I want the children and I and my extended family to have peace. Having the divorce negotiation finalized would give us peace. We need peace. Everyone is going through this, not just me.
So I just talked to my attorney, and she is calling his attorney to try to resolve things. And to say that I am disappointed that he didn't continue the conversation today as scheduled.
I just want the suffering to end.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I'm wishing you luck and strength Pippi
I also have a very sharp key at the ready if needed
I also have a very sharp key at the ready if needed
Good luck, Pippi. Remember, you do have to be willing to give something to get something in the negotiation. He has to feel like he's getting something HE wants, or from his point of view (insane and evil as it might be) he might as well go to court. I know it seems like he already HAS everything, but think through your priorities and figure out some way you can pitch something you care about a LITTLE less that would give him a bit of a "win" in his own mind.
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I'm not feeling that this was a negative response. This has been such a litigious divorce that he wanted to run things by his attorney I don't think is unusual. As Lexie pointed out you are represented so his attorney would have to negotiate through yours.
Don't give up yet. You may not be moving forward exactly in the way you were hoping - you may still be moving forward nonetheless.
The other thing to remember is, and I don't care how much he is paying his attorney, I imagine his attorney is ready to get rid of him he's a pain in the a$$. Everyone on board with settlement will end this.
Don't give up yet. You may not be moving forward exactly in the way you were hoping - you may still be moving forward nonetheless.
The other thing to remember is, and I don't care how much he is paying his attorney, I imagine his attorney is ready to get rid of him he's a pain in the a$$. Everyone on board with settlement will end this.
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