Nice is not enough
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Nice is not enough
The last few months, my AH has been doing much better with his behaviour. He's not raging all the time, is doing a great job at parenting our DS (like he hasn't ever before) and is being super polite to me 'thank you so much for making breakfast' and 'I really appreciate all your work on tidying up' and 'I love you' ... And man, it just enrages me! The more polite he is, the more he tries to be some sweet, loving husband, the more it pisses me off.
Because it's just not enough when - I find a receipt in the car last week for a couple of bottles of wine - he spends Saturday and Sunday drunk (stashed the bottles who knows where as he gets better at hiding them) - he just drove drunk with my DS in the car a few weeks ago and then instead of admitting it or apologizing told me I had to be nicer to him - burned my mail and didn't apologized, just lied and denied. So the lying, sneaking around, hiding booze, denying, deflecting blame, can't take responsibility for his actions, still drinking are all still there. As long as things go his way and I am a good Stepford wife, he is all roses and sunshine. If I mention the drinking or something awful he did, the crappy behaviour comes out again. Then, shortly afterward, the veneer of politeness is back and acting like nothing happened. And so I don't feel that for all his behavioural improvement, there is any real change. I still can't trust him at all and nothing he is doing addresses that.
The Codie in me watches him closely. He seems sad, like he is expecting me to be thrilled with his politeness and praising him for every little thing he does and is unhappy that I'm not. Do I need to improve my act, and pretend I don't see the drinking and just go along like everything is wonderful? He must think I am ungrateful, like nothing he does is good enough. Well, it's true. If the main issue is not dealt with, then nothing else he does is good enough. It's all a thin veneer, easily wiped out when I make him confront his behaviour - which I so rarely do. It is so easy to forget the bad behaviour and feel bad that I can't appreciate his nice behaviour - take on his apparent sadness and feel like a heel. Even if he totally cleaned up his act and recovered and even if he admitted his crappy behaviour and lies, it's not enough - too much misery with him for too long for me to recover any affection for him. But at least these steps would improve things for the short term. However, there does not seem to be any sign that he will do these things.
And I have no idea what to even say to him. I try to stick to small talk - many topics, like the drinking, are off the table. It's like living with a stranger who expects you to love them and praise them for every little thing they do. Positive reinforcement is hard when I feel like he is doing the bare minimum of what he should have been doing for the last 6 years. Hard to praise good parenting he he drove drunk with our son - I feel like if I praise the parenting, it makes the driving drunk seem forgiven and accepted. I know I should try harder, and I do thank him for doing cleaning and such, but it just makes me angry - like a person can be as deceptive and deceitful as they want, but if they also do something nice they should be praised and praised. It's like saying 'wow, great job not beating me today honey, you didn't punch me once today, nice work!'
It sounds odd, but the it's 'I love you's' that are the worst. He says it all the time now, and waits for me to say the same. If I don't, he repeats it, louder and more pointed. I feel forced to say it back, and I don't even feel it, but I just don't want the drama. These seem like petty complaints, but I am so fed up, it all grates on me.
Because it's just not enough when - I find a receipt in the car last week for a couple of bottles of wine - he spends Saturday and Sunday drunk (stashed the bottles who knows where as he gets better at hiding them) - he just drove drunk with my DS in the car a few weeks ago and then instead of admitting it or apologizing told me I had to be nicer to him - burned my mail and didn't apologized, just lied and denied. So the lying, sneaking around, hiding booze, denying, deflecting blame, can't take responsibility for his actions, still drinking are all still there. As long as things go his way and I am a good Stepford wife, he is all roses and sunshine. If I mention the drinking or something awful he did, the crappy behaviour comes out again. Then, shortly afterward, the veneer of politeness is back and acting like nothing happened. And so I don't feel that for all his behavioural improvement, there is any real change. I still can't trust him at all and nothing he is doing addresses that.
The Codie in me watches him closely. He seems sad, like he is expecting me to be thrilled with his politeness and praising him for every little thing he does and is unhappy that I'm not. Do I need to improve my act, and pretend I don't see the drinking and just go along like everything is wonderful? He must think I am ungrateful, like nothing he does is good enough. Well, it's true. If the main issue is not dealt with, then nothing else he does is good enough. It's all a thin veneer, easily wiped out when I make him confront his behaviour - which I so rarely do. It is so easy to forget the bad behaviour and feel bad that I can't appreciate his nice behaviour - take on his apparent sadness and feel like a heel. Even if he totally cleaned up his act and recovered and even if he admitted his crappy behaviour and lies, it's not enough - too much misery with him for too long for me to recover any affection for him. But at least these steps would improve things for the short term. However, there does not seem to be any sign that he will do these things.
And I have no idea what to even say to him. I try to stick to small talk - many topics, like the drinking, are off the table. It's like living with a stranger who expects you to love them and praise them for every little thing they do. Positive reinforcement is hard when I feel like he is doing the bare minimum of what he should have been doing for the last 6 years. Hard to praise good parenting he he drove drunk with our son - I feel like if I praise the parenting, it makes the driving drunk seem forgiven and accepted. I know I should try harder, and I do thank him for doing cleaning and such, but it just makes me angry - like a person can be as deceptive and deceitful as they want, but if they also do something nice they should be praised and praised. It's like saying 'wow, great job not beating me today honey, you didn't punch me once today, nice work!'
It sounds odd, but the it's 'I love you's' that are the worst. He says it all the time now, and waits for me to say the same. If I don't, he repeats it, louder and more pointed. I feel forced to say it back, and I don't even feel it, but I just don't want the drama. These seem like petty complaints, but I am so fed up, it all grates on me.
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It sounds odd, but the it's 'I love you's' that are the worst. He says it all the time now, and waits for me to say the same. If I don't, he repeats it, louder and more pointed. I feel forced to say it back, and I don't even feel it, but I just don't want the drama.
And I don't want to be rude -- I read a lot here, but it's rare that something truly creeps me out anymore. Your story does. It might be because it reminds me a lot of my own story. Please take care of yourself and your son and be safe.
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Mmm...so the better behaviour is meant to compensate for the drinking. It sounds like something has to give here; are you in counselling or do you have any plans about how to resolve this?
Do you need to spell it out to him? 'You are finally stepping up with housework and childcare, but it can't solve any of our problems until you become sober. Just so you know.' Write it to him if you can't find the words, and don't want to get bogged down in an argument.
Maybe the improvements he has made are a genuine attempt to make things better, but he can't deal with the addiction on his own? Would that extra step of him going to rehab, or getting treatment, combined with his new attitude give you genuine hope?
Do you need to spell it out to him? 'You are finally stepping up with housework and childcare, but it can't solve any of our problems until you become sober. Just so you know.' Write it to him if you can't find the words, and don't want to get bogged down in an argument.
Maybe the improvements he has made are a genuine attempt to make things better, but he can't deal with the addiction on his own? Would that extra step of him going to rehab, or getting treatment, combined with his new attitude give you genuine hope?
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I read your story through a couple times. I agree, he is a pig and he must go.
In the meantime, the part of your story that commands immediate attention is the safety of your child. You are the only thing between your child and a drunk driver. You have to do the right thing. Nothing else matters right now.
In the meantime, the part of your story that commands immediate attention is the safety of your child. You are the only thing between your child and a drunk driver. You have to do the right thing. Nothing else matters right now.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
No, it doesn't sound odd. It sounds like controlling and manipulative and just another form of being abusive.
And I don't want to be rude -- I read a lot here, but it's rare that something truly creeps me out anymore. Your story does. It might be because it reminds me a lot of my own story. Please take care of yourself and your son and be safe.
And I don't want to be rude -- I read a lot here, but it's rare that something truly creeps me out anymore. Your story does. It might be because it reminds me a lot of my own story. Please take care of yourself and your son and be safe.
My question is (and I ask myself this too); what do YOU want for you? Instead of focusing on how he is acting and how he appears depressed or sad, how do you feel and what do you want? Take your time, there's no hurry. Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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lucybb.....Controlling and manipulating are the words that come to my mind, as well.
Even if we don't recognize manipulation for control (because we are too close to it)....the feeling that it engenders is usually anger.
You do sound quite annoyed. May I ask....what are your plans?
dandylion
Even if we don't recognize manipulation for control (because we are too close to it)....the feeling that it engenders is usually anger.
You do sound quite annoyed. May I ask....what are your plans?
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I had been seeing a counsellor that is covered by my work employee assistance program but my sessions ran out. I just found a psychologist in town that deals with addiction and have my first session with her and will see her again next week. It has been very helpful to see a therapist as it is so hard for me to see the situation clearly. I find it hard to stop looking for what I have done wrong and see the abuse that is happening. I feel something is wrong, but it's hard to put my finger on it. It's so helpful to speak to a neutral party who calls it like it is. I saw one psychologist, for example, who gave me some great insight. I told him how my AH, years ago, got a position as a manager, then stopped doing anything at home - this is when the heavy drinking started as well. Even if I asked him to change a diaper, he said, no, he needs to rest after work because he's a manager, he's important. I was enraged but didn't know how to counter that. A few months ago we went to couples therapy and I mentioned this, and he said 'well, I didn't mean it that way'. What other way could you take that? If the important person doesn't have to do it, but it has to get done, who does that leave to do it? The psychologist's insight was that my AH placed the responsibility and blame on me for that - the problem was that I misunderstood. He took no responsibility for saying something so hurtful, it was my fault. This was a revelation - I knew something about that response bothered me, but I couldn't articulate why.
I don't know what to do next. I will make an appointment to see a lawyer, just to gather info and feel prepared. I can't see living with him the rest of my life, but I'm not sure how long I can hold on. I feel like it would be better for me if I waited until he screwed up royally, but I'm not sure...I keep being told I will know what the last straw is. I know he's trying to improve, but it just isn't enough - the serious issues are still there and never discussed.
I don't know what to do next. I will make an appointment to see a lawyer, just to gather info and feel prepared. I can't see living with him the rest of my life, but I'm not sure how long I can hold on. I feel like it would be better for me if I waited until he screwed up royally, but I'm not sure...I keep being told I will know what the last straw is. I know he's trying to improve, but it just isn't enough - the serious issues are still there and never discussed.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Mmm...so the better behaviour is meant to compensate for the drinking. It sounds like something has to give here; are you in counselling or do you have any plans about how to resolve this? Do you need to spell it out to him? 'You are finally stepping up with housework and childcare, but it can't solve any of our problems until you become sober. Just so you know.' Write it to him if you can't find the words, and don't want to get bogged down in an argument. Maybe the improvements he has made are a genuine attempt to make things better, but he can't deal with the addiction on his own? Would that extra step of him going to rehab, or getting treatment, combined with his new attitude give you genuine hope?
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He is forcing you to walk on eggshells. He is basically saying I love you, and being all nice to cover up for what is unacceptable behavior. Your right, if he is drunk driving your son, that is HUGE and cannot be ignored. You are both trying to play nice and side step the major issues in your home. He knows this and that is why if you do say anything he reacts with rage. He likes this comfy little life.
I know, my X did just this same thing until I had enough. Please protect your son, that should be your #1 at this time. I think seeing an attorney is a good move. I did so a long time before I separated. It gave me my options on the table, gave me time to implement a plan, and let me know what my rights are.
I know, my X did just this same thing until I had enough. Please protect your son, that should be your #1 at this time. I think seeing an attorney is a good move. I did so a long time before I separated. It gave me my options on the table, gave me time to implement a plan, and let me know what my rights are.
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lucybb...I agree, that it is good to see a lawyer in order to k now what your rights are.
He obviously knows that the drinking is an issue with you...hence the lying and hiding.
It does sound like he is not willing or too afraid to face his drinking issues, just yet.
In terms of taking care of you...is there any alanon in Kingston? If so...you would find a ton of understanding and support, there.
Have you read all the stickies at the top of the main F&F page? There is a "crash" course there....Lots of knowlege and experience in those pages! Have you read "Co-dependent No More". You will probably find a lot that resonates with you, if you do.
I would say to start to make some plans for taking yourself and your son into the future, and detach, detach, detach from his annoying behavior as much as humanly possible.
If you share...those of us who have been in your shoes will help you as much as we can.
Please hang around and let us know h ow it is going...
dandylion
He obviously knows that the drinking is an issue with you...hence the lying and hiding.
It does sound like he is not willing or too afraid to face his drinking issues, just yet.
In terms of taking care of you...is there any alanon in Kingston? If so...you would find a ton of understanding and support, there.
Have you read all the stickies at the top of the main F&F page? There is a "crash" course there....Lots of knowlege and experience in those pages! Have you read "Co-dependent No More". You will probably find a lot that resonates with you, if you do.
I would say to start to make some plans for taking yourself and your son into the future, and detach, detach, detach from his annoying behavior as much as humanly possible.
If you share...those of us who have been in your shoes will help you as much as we can.
Please hang around and let us know h ow it is going...
dandylion
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I have read Co-dependant No More. A lot resonated with me. I am totally tangled up in his feelings - absolutely. But detaching is freakin' hard. I always thought I was just sensitive to others' feelings, now I see what that's all about. When I detach, he looks sad and I feel guilty. FOG abounds.
I make plans for just me and my son, as I always have, and he preferred in most cases not to join us (on hikes for example). Now, he wants to come along everywhere! How do you detach when they cling to you all the harder? I appreciate that he's trying to be more a part of our lives for the first time in 6 years, but I need to detach dammit!
I make plans for just me and my son, as I always have, and he preferred in most cases not to join us (on hikes for example). Now, he wants to come along everywhere! How do you detach when they cling to you all the harder? I appreciate that he's trying to be more a part of our lives for the first time in 6 years, but I need to detach dammit!
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I just wanted to support you and to let you know I think you've identified the core issue pretty well--he's trying to keep the status quo and keep you in line with the "Mr. NiceGuy" act.
But I also agree drunk driving with your child is a dealbreaker for the status quo.
Seeing the lawyer is a great idea whatever you choose to do in the short or long run.
It's OK to be done, if you find when looking into your heart that's where you are.
As a former alcoholic myself, I realize that I did a great deal of damage to my marriage and I know if I was still drinking and trying to "pass"
by being nice to my husband, he would have given me my walking papers long ago. Sometimes things are just too broken to fix, but only you can determine that.
I wish you strength.
But I also agree drunk driving with your child is a dealbreaker for the status quo.
Seeing the lawyer is a great idea whatever you choose to do in the short or long run.
It's OK to be done, if you find when looking into your heart that's where you are.
As a former alcoholic myself, I realize that I did a great deal of damage to my marriage and I know if I was still drinking and trying to "pass"
by being nice to my husband, he would have given me my walking papers long ago. Sometimes things are just too broken to fix, but only you can determine that.
I wish you strength.
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LBB, You are so wise to what he is up to. He is not trying to rock the boat, and trying to keep the "peace". If thats what you call it. I never gave my XAH an option "not" to talk about his drinking, I just wasnt that kind, I made his life a living hxll!! I obviously wasn't working a program.....
Until he gets sober and works a program your life will never get any better. Alcoholism is progressive and his life will only get worse. I finally had to leave after 34 years together. I have been on my own for 37 days and I can't tell you how my life has changed. I am lonely and I miss my xhusband but I do not miss all the BS!! I sleep, I am so much calmer, I don't cry every day, I don't obsess with what he is doing or who he is with. I don't hear him coming in at all hours, I don't have to sit in any bars and watch him drink, I have no one to fight with when he is drunk. So many things have changed in my life. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be married again with my X but not watching him kill himself. I did nothing but enable him to get sicker and sicker. I had to stop and get off the the train. I do regret that I waited so many years, because I felt if I left earlier he would have had more to lose. My kids are gone now so he didn't care that he never was around now, but when the kids were little he would have had more to "lose".
Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you!! ((((((((((hugs))))
Until he gets sober and works a program your life will never get any better. Alcoholism is progressive and his life will only get worse. I finally had to leave after 34 years together. I have been on my own for 37 days and I can't tell you how my life has changed. I am lonely and I miss my xhusband but I do not miss all the BS!! I sleep, I am so much calmer, I don't cry every day, I don't obsess with what he is doing or who he is with. I don't hear him coming in at all hours, I don't have to sit in any bars and watch him drink, I have no one to fight with when he is drunk. So many things have changed in my life. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be married again with my X but not watching him kill himself. I did nothing but enable him to get sicker and sicker. I had to stop and get off the the train. I do regret that I waited so many years, because I felt if I left earlier he would have had more to lose. My kids are gone now so he didn't care that he never was around now, but when the kids were little he would have had more to "lose".
Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you!! ((((((((((hugs))))
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It has been very helpful to see a therapist as it is so hard for me to see the situation clearly. I find it hard to stop looking for what I have done wrong and see the abuse that is happening.
I would definitely encourage you to keep doing that, because regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do, you are building YOUR strength, and that's something you can use regardless!
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My preference would be to have everything out in the open. To be able to talk about the addiction, and discuss options - but this is not like any other disease, and openness seems not to be an option. I think I could deal with the behaviour better if he was open and honest about it. This is where I struggle with the difference between advice for improving your relationship and advice for dealing with an addict. What a joke our couples therapy session was, as he denied an addiction and came up with lame complaints - said we had major issues in our marriage like that I am not close friends with his friends' wives. Just quacking, trying to come up with stuff when really, he's got nothing on me, and trying to deflect attention from himself. I am an honest and open person, and I am living this closed up and falsely polite life that is totally not nurturing.
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