NJandy

I've been trying to figure out how to go about getting a sponsor for 3 or 4 weeks. I go to the meetings and make a point of mentioning each time that I would like a sponsor, but no one volunteers. I realize that I just have to approach someone at a meeting and ask if they would be willing. For anyone here who actually has gotten a sponsor (or failing that, who has served as a sponsor), do you have any advice as to what I should be looking for in a sponsor? For example:

*Does it matter whether the sponsor has the same type of addict that I have (e.g., does it matter if the sponsor's "qualifier" is an opiate addict versus an alcoholic, or someone's significant other versus a child)?

*What kind of "experience" should the sponsor have? How long should that person have been in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? How long should they have been dealing with addiction? Does it matter whether their addict actually became clean or not?

*Does it matter where the sponsor lives? I assume most of my interactions with the sponsor would be by phone, right?

*Does gender matter? I know in AA and NA you're not supposed to have an opposite sex sponsor, for reasons that seem obvious to me. Does this matter for Al-Anon or Nar-Anon?

*If the sponsor is supposed to help me work through the 12 step program, how much experience should the sponsor have in working the steps?

Any other tips would be appreciated. In the coming weeks I think having someone helping me as a sponsor would be important. Thanks in advance for your advice.

irisgardens

Can only share my experience...I finally asked for a sponsor after many years of not even knowing how to ask...although I have made friends with people who are walking a similar path to my own and over time...had some support that way...

After a naranon meeting a few weeks ago...and the topic of sponsor came up and I asked the 'guy' in the group (he is partnered with another person in the group) if he would be my sponsor...and he said yes...and then we discussed the hours he was available...not many...and I realized that I am still a long way from having a sponsor in the way I have heard it talked about by others.

Probably my character defect...was born and raised and have lived not sharing much of what really is going on around the kids with their substance abuse (as they worked through it...hopefully the third one will too although her addiction is so much worse than the previous two--but I have also calmed down from my first...so I am working the program that I have been working for a long time...and trying to compartmentalize a bit better...and to set boundaries although my family pretty much seems not to hear me anymore...I have become invisible...when did that happen?

I am thinking of asking someone else...same sex...because I will be more comfortable asking her...yet...am happy that I finally had the guts to ask somebody (the guy has done tough love--which is what I have done with my kids in the belief that it is the only thing that works...and also love them tremendously...so it is always a fine line when one has been in active addiction).

mayabee

I found my sponsor by approaching a woman whose shares in meetings were very thoughtful and sincere and who had lots of time in the program. I was more comfortable working with another female. My sponsor's qualifier was a spouse whereas mine is my son, and their drugs of choice were different. However, I didn't see those differences as problematic. My sponsor had worked the steps several times herself and guided me through them firmly but compassionately. We talked by phone daily and met for coffee once a week. She held me accountable by following up with me regularly on my step work and requiring regular check-ins. She didn't tell me what to do, but asked questions that made me think.