How do I Avoid intimacy?
Radar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
How do I Avoid intimacy?
My husband is a functioning A and so doesn't think he has a problem. I posted a few days ago about how drunk he got at a work event I took him to and how embarrassed I was. He hasn't had a drink since until the last 2 days when I noticed the level on the vodka bottle drop. I know I'm not supposed to keep track but it's on top of the refrigerator and it's hard not to look. I don't throw it away anymore because he will just buy more.
He had the last 2 days off work and sat downstairs almost the whole time playing video games.
He is a 54 year old man spending all his time watching tv and playing video games. I came home from work on Monday, after going to the gym, did some landscaping, and then had to cook dinner. The 2nd night I cooked some soup for myself and let him get his own dinner. He worked tonight and left me flowers from my flower garden on the table with a nice plate and fork on a napkin and made a chicken gumbo for me. He also left a note saying he needs to treat me better and he would die for me. I can't stand it! It's the guilt talking; not him being sensitive to my needs.
Anyway, I'm screwing up my courage and making plans to end this marriage but how do I avoid sex with him? I can't stand for him to touch me. I don't love him anymore and I can't warm up to him. He is trying to be nice and lovey dovey but I've heard all the promises and excuses and I can't believe them anymore. How do you all handle this? I just can't have sex with him anymore! How do I tell him??
He had the last 2 days off work and sat downstairs almost the whole time playing video games.
He is a 54 year old man spending all his time watching tv and playing video games. I came home from work on Monday, after going to the gym, did some landscaping, and then had to cook dinner. The 2nd night I cooked some soup for myself and let him get his own dinner. He worked tonight and left me flowers from my flower garden on the table with a nice plate and fork on a napkin and made a chicken gumbo for me. He also left a note saying he needs to treat me better and he would die for me. I can't stand it! It's the guilt talking; not him being sensitive to my needs.Anyway, I'm screwing up my courage and making plans to end this marriage but how do I avoid sex with him? I can't stand for him to touch me. I don't love him anymore and I can't warm up to him. He is trying to be nice and lovey dovey but I've heard all the promises and excuses and I can't believe them anymore. How do you all handle this? I just can't have sex with him anymore! How do I tell him??
On The Yellow Brick Road
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Almost To Emerald City
Posts: 9
I understand!!!
Karvin,
Hi, I completely understand how you feel!! My husband made promises till he was blue in the face and everytime he did not fufill thoses promises my heart got broken and I built up a big resentment. I would allow myself to go on this emotional roller coaster and get sucked into the whole "I am going to change and need to treat you better thing" and all it did was tear me up inside. I finally had to set a boundry line. I told him actions speak louder than words and when he was ready he would get help but I would not listen to anymore promisses period!! And through all this I found a neat thing. When I stopped allowing myself to go through the roller coaster and just accepted the situtation I was able to look at him in a loving way as before it was just resentment. When I took away the expectation of him changing then I took away the resentment i had because he did not meet that expectation. I also found that when I allowed him to go through the whole speal all I was doing was allowing him to unload his guilt on me. Afterwards he would be fine because he put everything square on my shoulders and could walk away feeling better and want to be lovey dovey. But once I stop allowing him to push that guilt on me it has caused him to stop and think. Weither he will ever change only my Higher Power knows but I have taken myself out of that equation (did i spell that right? hehehehe). Things have been better since i did that. Hope this has helped you!!!!
Love and understanding
Vicky
Hi, I completely understand how you feel!! My husband made promises till he was blue in the face and everytime he did not fufill thoses promises my heart got broken and I built up a big resentment. I would allow myself to go on this emotional roller coaster and get sucked into the whole "I am going to change and need to treat you better thing" and all it did was tear me up inside. I finally had to set a boundry line. I told him actions speak louder than words and when he was ready he would get help but I would not listen to anymore promisses period!! And through all this I found a neat thing. When I stopped allowing myself to go through the roller coaster and just accepted the situtation I was able to look at him in a loving way as before it was just resentment. When I took away the expectation of him changing then I took away the resentment i had because he did not meet that expectation. I also found that when I allowed him to go through the whole speal all I was doing was allowing him to unload his guilt on me. Afterwards he would be fine because he put everything square on my shoulders and could walk away feeling better and want to be lovey dovey. But once I stop allowing him to push that guilt on me it has caused him to stop and think. Weither he will ever change only my Higher Power knows but I have taken myself out of that equation (did i spell that right? hehehehe). Things have been better since i did that. Hope this has helped you!!!!
Love and understanding
Vicky
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
I may not be the best person to give advice on this...as my AH almost NEVER wants sex....I think it has been at least 2-3 months since he last tried.
But the advice I would give is to just be as honest as you feel ready for. Maybe say that you are having a hard time with all that you both have been thru with his drinking and you aren't in the mood. Maybe just tell him you are still really angry and don't feel like being with him sexually. I don't think you should give in if you really don't want to be intimate with him...you don't owe him that. Don't give in to his guilt. Stand your ground if that is where you want to be. I feel so bad for you...I will keep you in my thoughts!
Di
But the advice I would give is to just be as honest as you feel ready for. Maybe say that you are having a hard time with all that you both have been thru with his drinking and you aren't in the mood. Maybe just tell him you are still really angry and don't feel like being with him sexually. I don't think you should give in if you really don't want to be intimate with him...you don't owe him that. Don't give in to his guilt. Stand your ground if that is where you want to be. I feel so bad for you...I will keep you in my thoughts!
Di
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
I've new the message board but I've been reading for a while and want you to know that you have often been my source of strength. I just walked out of the bedroom after my husband started making advances. It was obvious that he has been drinking and I will not have sex with someone just looking to satisfy their new drunken needs. If it can't be mutual and loving, I really am not interested.
Last year at this time I was bringing him home from rehab with such high hopes. One year later nothing has changed. He is supposedly on vacation from work for the past 2 weeks which means he has been drinking every day. I've talked to him about his moving out which of course he won't do. I love him but I can't live with him any longer. I am trying to stay detached but I am not being very successful at it. It comes and goes in spurts.
Thank you for being there at 11:20 PM.
Last year at this time I was bringing him home from rehab with such high hopes. One year later nothing has changed. He is supposedly on vacation from work for the past 2 weeks which means he has been drinking every day. I've talked to him about his moving out which of course he won't do. I love him but I can't live with him any longer. I am trying to stay detached but I am not being very successful at it. It comes and goes in spurts.
Thank you for being there at 11:20 PM.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Such mixed feelings here. (guy’s perspective)
It is wonderful to read you are staying strong and holding your ground.
At the same time you seem to be waffling in other areas.
Not trying to be harsh here but straight forward and truthful.
Plans to end the marriage? What are you waiting for?
If your not sure you truly want that, then you need talk open with him and express your feelings.
I am hurting. I don’t feel like wanting to any more. Your choices to drink and promises broken have me twisted up inside with my feelings. And he says what can I do to help you… Nothing I need time and space to think things out for myself.
I think you do love him. I also think you just don’t like him at this moment in time.
The love is always there but many times it gets covered over by all the negatives that blind us. If he makes the right choices for the right reasons (IF)… I know things would turn around.
If things are over and you want out, you would need speak up and let it be known.
I have had enough… there will be no more sex. You sleep here… I will sleep here.
Habitat under the same roof, he will constantly be trying to win you back for what ever reason (sincerely or just for sex) till you speak up and say no you will always need to be saying you have a headache go away.
Tough choices and until you let your feelings be known and move or he moves… he just may always be looking for the intimacy and you will always need to be saying no.
It is wonderful to read you are staying strong and holding your ground.
At the same time you seem to be waffling in other areas.
Not trying to be harsh here but straight forward and truthful.
Plans to end the marriage? What are you waiting for?
If your not sure you truly want that, then you need talk open with him and express your feelings.
I am hurting. I don’t feel like wanting to any more. Your choices to drink and promises broken have me twisted up inside with my feelings. And he says what can I do to help you… Nothing I need time and space to think things out for myself.
I think you do love him. I also think you just don’t like him at this moment in time.
The love is always there but many times it gets covered over by all the negatives that blind us. If he makes the right choices for the right reasons (IF)… I know things would turn around.
If things are over and you want out, you would need speak up and let it be known.
I have had enough… there will be no more sex. You sleep here… I will sleep here.
Habitat under the same roof, he will constantly be trying to win you back for what ever reason (sincerely or just for sex) till you speak up and say no you will always need to be saying you have a headache go away.
Tough choices and until you let your feelings be known and move or he moves… he just may always be looking for the intimacy and you will always need to be saying no.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 11
Karivan, you are sitting in my shoes. I am sitting here today and thinking about last night. My husb, who also doesn't think he has a problem, told me last night that I am selfish because I won't have sex with him, he says I am sex starving him, and complaining about me in that regard, on and on...
I don't want him to touch me. I don't think I love him anymore either. It all just feels so ugly, He thinks that when he comes up to me with a beer in his hand and talks about his "sausage", and moves his pelvis towards my face, that I should be wanting to have sex with him. He has an obsession with grabbing my behind, which I told him not to do about 2 days ago, so now he is bitter and thinks I am just so bad, selfish, paranoid, etc. Does your husb do the same behavior with you? I am so sick of defending myself when he has a beer in his hand. I won't go to bed with him when he is drinking a lot and I know he is buzzed up. Does anyone else have this problem? I don't know how to tell him I would be much happier without him. I am scared to hear his reaction. He will say I am tearing up the family and have a big mental problem.
Thanks,
Laurie
I don't want him to touch me. I don't think I love him anymore either. It all just feels so ugly, He thinks that when he comes up to me with a beer in his hand and talks about his "sausage", and moves his pelvis towards my face, that I should be wanting to have sex with him. He has an obsession with grabbing my behind, which I told him not to do about 2 days ago, so now he is bitter and thinks I am just so bad, selfish, paranoid, etc. Does your husb do the same behavior with you? I am so sick of defending myself when he has a beer in his hand. I won't go to bed with him when he is drinking a lot and I know he is buzzed up. Does anyone else have this problem? I don't know how to tell him I would be much happier without him. I am scared to hear his reaction. He will say I am tearing up the family and have a big mental problem.
Thanks,
Laurie
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi guys. In the same situation myself.
I find that I don't want to have sex with my A b/f because I don't feel intimate with him, if that makes sense. To me, making love is an expression of love, trust and intimacy. When I am being lied to, I don't have those feelings, let alone want to express them.
He is the one that has created the situation, but I am the "guilty" party for not wanting to be intimate. I don't feel at all guilty, but he tries his hardest to lay it on me. He does lots of nice things for me (bringing me flowers, cooking dinner etc etc) but I know that it is not done out of love.
I hae loads more to say about this, but I really can't find the words at the moment.
I find that I don't want to have sex with my A b/f because I don't feel intimate with him, if that makes sense. To me, making love is an expression of love, trust and intimacy. When I am being lied to, I don't have those feelings, let alone want to express them.
He is the one that has created the situation, but I am the "guilty" party for not wanting to be intimate. I don't feel at all guilty, but he tries his hardest to lay it on me. He does lots of nice things for me (bringing me flowers, cooking dinner etc etc) but I know that it is not done out of love.
I hae loads more to say about this, but I really can't find the words at the moment.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I stopped having sex with my H about 2 years ago. I still feel love for him. He has a lot of issues and he refuses to seek any kind of help. He tries to control his using he can sometimes go almost a month. Our relationship hangs by threads most of the time.I really like what Vickie said about letting them unload their guilt on us. I believe that I have managed to stop allowing him to unload his guilt on me. I stand back from the dramas and crisises he creates at least my life is less rocky.
He knows we could resume sex but, not until he gets real. Now I enjoy posting in Argueholics and it does not seem that I have too much frustrations and when I am frustrated it seems that I am able to solve it and move forward.
He knows we could resume sex but, not until he gets real. Now I enjoy posting in Argueholics and it does not seem that I have too much frustrations and when I am frustrated it seems that I am able to solve it and move forward.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Saint Petersburg Florida
Posts: 55
I'm almost scared to post because of the responses I've received but wtf.. Here goes...
My AH was a pill popper, from that he went to 120 mg of methadone a day.
After reading all the posts here, I can say "Been there done that.."
First, just lay there, let them do what they want...
Second, I started sleeping on the couch...
Third, He cheated...
Fourth, I felt "sorry" and blamed everything on myself, bad wife, not supportive enough, blah, blah, blah.
Fifth, I cheated, to get comfort? Sober intimacy?
SIXTH !!!!!!! I FILED FOR DIVORCE and kicked him out with help from the local sheriffs department.
I love this man, he is the father of our daughter, he IS a good man... STRAIGHT.
He is an evil, lying, vindictive, cheating, stealing PIG when he's using.
I have my own addiction... Pot...
I went down the road of other drugs, all drugs, and anything, ANYTHING that had alcohol in it....
Then I decided who the f*ck am I living for HIM or ME???
I filed in June of this yr. And with moments of weakness have put a hold on the proceedings.
You see.... He's dying from untreated HEPC.
How's that for more guilt about how sh*tty of a person I am,
for throwing out a man who's sick in more ways then one.........
It's HARD, harder then anything I've ever done in my life including getting myself clean, but IT HAS TO BE DONE.
I could feel myself dying inside, not caring about myself, how I looked, how my house looked...
I lost ALL my friends, money, possessions, to HIS addiction.
Then I saw my daughter one day... In a light I've never seen.....
If for NO other reason I live for her.
Am I raising a child that will be just like me?
Just like him?? I can't do that to the innocent child she is.
I won't.
I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about the loses, my life, my family, my hopes and dreams,
but you know what???? I feel better!
I feel as if there IS hope, there will be a light shining through someday,
somewhere, but its going to take a LOT of work.
Someone here told me A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step
I've taken a few.... Been kicked back, and taken a few more.
I will not stop now, I can't for me, for my well being and MOST OF ALL for my child!
The old saying "Talk is cheap..."???? Stop talking about it.
Stop thinking about it............... Do something about IT!
TODAY!!!
There IS NO EXCUSE.
There is NO reason not to leave -- divorce -- get a NEW boyfriend -- kick him/her out -
There is help everywhere.
GET IT - ASK FOR IT - But most of all deal with it.....
The YEARS pass too quickly.
Just MY opinion... on a post VERY close to my heart!
Best.
Cheryl
My AH was a pill popper, from that he went to 120 mg of methadone a day.
After reading all the posts here, I can say "Been there done that.."
First, just lay there, let them do what they want...
Second, I started sleeping on the couch...
Third, He cheated...
Fourth, I felt "sorry" and blamed everything on myself, bad wife, not supportive enough, blah, blah, blah.
Fifth, I cheated, to get comfort? Sober intimacy?
SIXTH !!!!!!! I FILED FOR DIVORCE and kicked him out with help from the local sheriffs department.
I love this man, he is the father of our daughter, he IS a good man... STRAIGHT.
He is an evil, lying, vindictive, cheating, stealing PIG when he's using.
I have my own addiction... Pot...
I went down the road of other drugs, all drugs, and anything, ANYTHING that had alcohol in it....
Then I decided who the f*ck am I living for HIM or ME???
I filed in June of this yr. And with moments of weakness have put a hold on the proceedings.
You see.... He's dying from untreated HEPC.
How's that for more guilt about how sh*tty of a person I am,
for throwing out a man who's sick in more ways then one.........
It's HARD, harder then anything I've ever done in my life including getting myself clean, but IT HAS TO BE DONE.
I could feel myself dying inside, not caring about myself, how I looked, how my house looked...
I lost ALL my friends, money, possessions, to HIS addiction.
Then I saw my daughter one day... In a light I've never seen.....
If for NO other reason I live for her.
Am I raising a child that will be just like me?
Just like him?? I can't do that to the innocent child she is.
I won't.
I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about the loses, my life, my family, my hopes and dreams,
but you know what???? I feel better!
I feel as if there IS hope, there will be a light shining through someday,
somewhere, but its going to take a LOT of work.
Someone here told me A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step
I've taken a few.... Been kicked back, and taken a few more.
I will not stop now, I can't for me, for my well being and MOST OF ALL for my child!
The old saying "Talk is cheap..."???? Stop talking about it.
Stop thinking about it............... Do something about IT!
TODAY!!!
There IS NO EXCUSE.
There is NO reason not to leave -- divorce -- get a NEW boyfriend -- kick him/her out -
There is help everywhere.
GET IT - ASK FOR IT - But most of all deal with it.....
The YEARS pass too quickly.
Just MY opinion... on a post VERY close to my heart!
Best.
Cheryl
Guest
Posts: n/a
We are blamed for everything…….that is just the way it is…..I was feeling the same way..I didn’t want him to touch me…..I would pretend I was sleeping and most of the time he didn’t bother me if I was sleeping……my skin would crawl, the thought of him touching me……made me sick…..it didn’t matter to me if he was drinking or not…..it became a chore…….and very unwanted chore…..a dreaded chore…..sometimes I would force myself, just because it was easier then arguing…….he didn’t care about my feelings at all, I was just a release for him……he was and is a very selfish person sober or not sober….he thinks my house and the world should revolve around want he needs…..WHY SHOULDN’T IT HE IS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE RIGHT…….
I was feeling all of those things……….what a horrible place to be in……..
I know I have said this quite a bit lately…..but I am really looking at things differently…..I know that I cannot change my husband……and since I have been working on getting healthier myself things have changed a lot…..I really have came to a conclusion……..I know in my heart for sure there is absolutely nothing I can do for him…….I also know the only way he is going to change is if he wants too…..I am not even hoping for that anymore…..I am letting him take care of himself 100%.....I cannot help him………and it sure is a huge relief to me……I am trying to put as much energy in helping myself as I did trying to help and change him the last 8 years….I am starting to feel a little better…..I am focusing on someone that I can make a huge change in….ME
I was feeling all of those things……….what a horrible place to be in……..
I know I have said this quite a bit lately…..but I am really looking at things differently…..I know that I cannot change my husband……and since I have been working on getting healthier myself things have changed a lot…..I really have came to a conclusion……..I know in my heart for sure there is absolutely nothing I can do for him…….I also know the only way he is going to change is if he wants too…..I am not even hoping for that anymore…..I am letting him take care of himself 100%.....I cannot help him………and it sure is a huge relief to me……I am trying to put as much energy in helping myself as I did trying to help and change him the last 8 years….I am starting to feel a little better…..I am focusing on someone that I can make a huge change in….ME
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Absolutely, L. And from where we stand, aren't our wishes MORE important?
I have no qualms about making my feelings clear to him on the subject. It's the aftermath that I find difficult to deal with. I refuse to take on the guilt that he attempts to heap on me, but I find it all very exhausting.
I have no qualms about making my feelings clear to him on the subject. It's the aftermath that I find difficult to deal with. I refuse to take on the guilt that he attempts to heap on me, but I find it all very exhausting.
Radar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi all. You all are so great and so supportive. 
I learn so much from reading your posts. And Best.. you're right. I've been waffling for 15 years. I'm learning more and more about how to deal with it. The kids are grown and out of the house; I now have a good job that I love and good friends. The more I detatch from him, the happier my personal life becomes. I let him drag me down for years and I try very hard not to do it anymore. I've been praying and going to church lately and for some reason, on the way to work this morning, the Bible passage, "Lean not unto thy own understanding." poped into my mind. Now that may not be word for word but I didn't read it lately and I don't know where it came from except probably from God. I try very hard to turn it over to him and let him deal with my A.
Thanks everyone. You're great.
I learn so much from reading your posts. And Best.. you're right. I've been waffling for 15 years. I'm learning more and more about how to deal with it. The kids are grown and out of the house; I now have a good job that I love and good friends. The more I detatch from him, the happier my personal life becomes. I let him drag me down for years and I try very hard not to do it anymore. I've been praying and going to church lately and for some reason, on the way to work this morning, the Bible passage, "Lean not unto thy own understanding." poped into my mind. Now that may not be word for word but I didn't read it lately and I don't know where it came from except probably from God. I try very hard to turn it over to him and let him deal with my A. Thanks everyone. You're great.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
I'm taking Best's comments as an indication that I'm moving in the right direction. I think the messages I sent to my AH before were that any and all of his behavior was acceptable. I thought I needed him in my life to be a whole person. Now at least I'm at a point where I can send mixed messages. Pretty soon I'll be strong enough to send him one clear message - Get out.
I guess that is what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for the time to be right for me. I don't want to waffle afterwards or wonder if I made the right decision. I want to move on. Maybe I'm just delusional and just trying to avoid the inevitable.
I will spend the day examining my intentions. You are probably right, Best, that I still love him, but what has love ever had to do with it!
I guess that is what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for the time to be right for me. I don't want to waffle afterwards or wonder if I made the right decision. I want to move on. Maybe I'm just delusional and just trying to avoid the inevitable.
I will spend the day examining my intentions. You are probably right, Best, that I still love him, but what has love ever had to do with it!
Radar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi all. You all are so great and so supportive. I learn so much from reading your posts. And Best.. you're right. I've been waffling for 15 years. I'm learning more and more about how to deal with it. The kids are grown and out of the house; I now have a good job that I love and good friends. The more I detatch from him, the happier my personal life becomes. I let him drag me down for years and I try very hard not to do it anymore. I've been praying and going to church lately and for some reason, on the way to work this morning, the Bible passage, "Lean not unto thy own understanding." poped into my mind. Now that may not be word for word but I didn't read it lately and I don't know where it came from except probably from God. I try very hard to turn it over to him and let him deal with my A.
Thanks everyone. You're great.
I learn so much from reading your posts. And Best.. you're right. I've been waffling for 15 years. I'm learning more and more about how to deal with it. The kids are grown and out of the house; I now have a good job that I love and good friends. The more I detatch from him, the happier my personal life becomes. I let him drag me down for years and I try very hard not to do it anymore. I've been praying and going to church lately and for some reason, on the way to work this morning, the Bible passage, "Lean not unto thy own understanding." poped into my mind. Now that may not be word for word but I didn't read it lately and I don't know where it came from except probably from God. I try very hard to turn it over to him and let him deal with my A. Thanks everyone. You're great.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Interesting post....I struggle with the same issues. Hubby started sleeping in the family room about 7 years ago. He likes to sleep with the tv on and he is overweight and snores badly. When we first got together I slept with the TV on for many years. I could never get a good night's rest with people talking to me every night! So I moved the TV out of the bedroom and he went with it. Now I like our arrangement, I get a quiet night's sleep and no pressure about sex. I don't feel like having sex very often because of how conflicted I feel toward him. I don't feel connected with him so I don't want sex. He gets angry and blames me for not wanting sex, how it is not natural etc. Mostly I don't have sex, but sometimes I still initiate sex to make peace with him. Sometimes hesays things that make me feel sorry for him, like he doesn't feel like a man so I feel pressured about having sex. In the new movie, The Mancharian Candidate", the character played by Meryl Streep says "Where are the men anymore? The men that just see what needs to be done and does it without asking everyone's permossion" Boy did that ring true to me, not exactly the way she meant it, but in the sense of where are all the men like Atticus in "TO Kill a Mockingbird"? Where are the strong men??????????
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Tartfest 2007
Posts: 831
Robert, why ARE you here, in SR? If you're looking for a relationship, you're in the wrong place. I've yet to see you post anything beneficial to anyone here...no strength, no hope, no experience. People come here to find their relationship w/THEMSELVES.
I'm sure there are sites that can provide you what you're looking for. If you're looking for recovery, welcome and congrats for coming here, but somehow, I don't think this is the case.
Say buh-bye Robert, methinks you're not gonna be visiting much longer.
I'm sure there are sites that can provide you what you're looking for. If you're looking for recovery, welcome and congrats for coming here, but somehow, I don't think this is the case.
Say buh-bye Robert, methinks you're not gonna be visiting much longer.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I don’t condone separation, divorce, moving out.
That is something we each need to evaluate for ourselves.
It may be what is needed. For me I know it is what I needed to be woken up and start to learn how to fly right.
For me it took learning…
Proverbs 3: 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Separated and starting to learn, I started to change and we got back together and celebrated our 25th together the very next month.
I am a success story of what can be. I have also seen others who tried and never reached the same. We each need to seek the answers for ourselves.
Karivan
I know that verse because I have lived it. Still try to live it as best I can as well.
few things yank at my heart as heavy as relationships. Seeing others and the pain they cause and knowing first hand the pain I caused....
Know that my prayers are there for you all. Prayers for change where needed. Prayers for His peace and comfort where needed. Prayers that hearts be opened and that those doing the hurting see the pain and seek change. God will change hearts or will open doors to let the stone hearted walk through and set the captives free.
That is something we each need to evaluate for ourselves.
It may be what is needed. For me I know it is what I needed to be woken up and start to learn how to fly right.
For me it took learning…
Proverbs 3: 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Separated and starting to learn, I started to change and we got back together and celebrated our 25th together the very next month.
I am a success story of what can be. I have also seen others who tried and never reached the same. We each need to seek the answers for ourselves.
Karivan
I know that verse because I have lived it. Still try to live it as best I can as well.
few things yank at my heart as heavy as relationships. Seeing others and the pain they cause and knowing first hand the pain I caused....
Know that my prayers are there for you all. Prayers for change where needed. Prayers for His peace and comfort where needed. Prayers that hearts be opened and that those doing the hurting see the pain and seek change. God will change hearts or will open doors to let the stone hearted walk through and set the captives free.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: California
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by breec3
We are blamed for everything…….that is just the way it is…..I was feeling the same way..I didn’t want him to touch me…..I would pretend I was sleeping and most of the time he didn’t bother me if I was sleeping……my skin would crawl, the thought of him touching me……made me sick…..it didn’t matter to me if he was drinking or not…..it became a chore…….and very unwanted chore…..a dreaded chore…..sometimes I would force myself, just because it was easier then arguing…….he didn’t care about my feelings at all, I was just a release for him……he was and is a very selfish person sober or not sober….he thinks my house and the world should revolve around want he needs…..WHY SHOULDN’T IT HE IS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE RIGHT…….
I have detached from my husband and his addictions but I sometimes think I have detached too far. Regardless of his sobriety, I find it hard to have loving - intimate sex. I used to refuse, but that got to be to much of a fight. I then gave in and figured it would be over soon enough and I could get some sleep and now I 'take care of business' just like I vaccum or do the dishes. Yah, it sucks and I sometimes feel like a ***** providing a service.
How do I avoid it? I don't. Believe it or not, we have a good relationship outside of the bedroom. It's just when it comes to sex, I can't get past this frigid feeling. I'm hoping that with recovery for myself (from my codie ways) I'll be able to reconnect with him in a healthier way.
Thanks for letting me vent too!
Working my way to happiness, one step at a time...Nikki lol
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