ridiculous

"I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.”
― Anne Sexton

This is word for word how I feel. I don't understand how it got this far with my HFA.
For now I need to forget about him and focus on making me better. I'm so over feeling empty inside. I cry and cry and cry some more every single day. I don't know, I'm pretty lost.
What I do know is I'm tired of my friends and family judging me because I stay. I'm not physically beaten and 9/10 times there are no fights...I just have come to feel very alone. My best friend is gone. I do see a glimpse of him from time to time. I guess that's why I'm still here. It's working on 4 years now that this started, 5 if I'm to be honest with myself. I miss him.

ladyscribbler

When I was in an alcoholic relationship I was very lonely. Partly because the relationship he had with alcohol, which was his primary relationship in life, but also because I isolated myself so much.
I was scared to make friends or tell anyone what was happening, especially my family. It was a terrible way to live.
Glad you have found us, though I'm sorry for the reason. You will find a lot of support here.
Hugs and welcome.

ridiculous

Yes, exactly. How do you make friends or even maintain a friendship when you're in such a dark place? I've done tons of google searches just hoping to find...something? I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. I appreciate your kindness.

irisgardens

ridiculous...that quote describes me as well...word for word...nuance for nuance. i have always been someone who confronts the problems, knowing that it is me who needs to take action...but I have arrived at this place...working my naranon and alanon programs as best I can...seeing the therapist and evaluated meds...working to stay in the day and pray for a next step. detaching as best as possible. it is really hard...yet, the other option of doing nothing doesn't make me hopeful. glad you are here. lots of great reading and counsel...

irisgardens

the isolation post is also what I have done...keep on coming back...i choose to believe that it can get better as it has in the past.

Shutterbug1

I have felt that way many times before. I'm sorry, it is very painful. I found a lot of help on these forums when i felt I had no one else to turn to who understood what living with an addict is like.

When i met my ex, i had a lively life full of friends. I would travel a lot and was very socially comfortable. As the relationship progressed I started to isolate. He was acting out and I thought "maybe i need to focus on him more, maybe I am spending too much time out". Then i became afraid of his behavior when i was out, so i stayed home even more. I eventually wound up losing contact with almost all friends. This was very counter to who i naturally am and it was very psychologically destructive for me. I became extremely depressed and felt like my mind was cracking from the stress. I almost lost my job and i gained 70 pounds! I was a true mess from enduring repeated episodes of trauma nearly daily.

I left him after 10 years, and guess what? I dont feel despair everyday like i used to. I am making new friends! I am getting better all the time, slowly yes, but surely. I enjoy peaceful days and nights. I experience pleasures again. Everything is temporary and you can have brighter days ahead. Hang in there! There are lots of people here who know so much and are so helpful. This forum really helped me when i felt like i had no one.

dandylion

ridiculous....there is a book called "The Saber-toothed Tiger" which addresses precisely what you are speaking about. I think you would find that it will resonate with you.
It is not a long book...and it is very easy to read.

This is more common than you probably think....

And, there are answers;there are solutions....

dandylion

LexieCat

I made some wonderful friends in Al-Anon. That helped me break out of my isolation and made it easier for me to interact with other people, as well--all because I did have SOME friends with whom I could share the darker stuff.

ridiculous

I'm actually shocked at all the responses! Its been a long and lonely road. I know and understand that people are out there going through similar situations but I would have never thought so many would quite understand MY situation.
I'm 14 months into having the "baby blues" to add a cherry to the top of this mess. Some days I'm not sure if its post partum I'm dealing with or, or life? Lack of..
Isolated, depressed, scared, lonely, sad. Very sad. I used to have a fire in me, some sass no one could tame. Now I just feel like an empty vessel. I can honestly say if it weren't for my children I'd throw in the towel.
I went from working retail, enjoying every day..excited to go to work..(believe it or not, I truly enjoyed working retail)..for years to a job working virtually by myself..Now to no job at all.
I'm not the smartest but I do know this is all self destructive behavior.
I guess the most depressing thing, to me, is being well aware of what I'm doing yet I do nothing about it but sink further in.
And! I'm so freaking angry! Every day! At myself.

I will go pick that book up today if I'm able. I could use a good read.

Thank you all, I feel as I need a venting post right now. I'm tired of bottling it all up!

irisgardens

ridiculous...you have a lot of courage...aside from the baby blues (my daughter had this...and she finally went to see a doctor...and it helped)--you describe me right now...a different phase of life...my youngest more or less empty nested 2 years ago (was living with a sister)--although he has moved back...other non-substance abuse related issues...having a major depressive episode due to many crises for many years (according to doctor) and getting help...but still...what you describe has been going on for a long time...which is why I found getting help useful.

ridiculous

I had a really amazing therapist I was seeing for sometime but she ventured out on her own & was unable to take my insurance. Sadly.
I've not looked for another one. I don't feel like I have it in me to go through drudging up my entire life story to get back to the point I was when we parted ways.

I love my alcoholic, very much. I still can honestly say he is my one and only. Is that sad? I'm just so beside myself on what to do. Things could be a ton worse...I just want to find myself and hope he follows suit.
I've considered aI anon meetings..not sure I'm ready to let the water works go public just yet. Joining this forum has been a HUGE step letting down my guard a bit and admitting to myself there truly is a problem.

ladyscribbler

It took me quite awhile to work up the courage to go to Alanon. I am a person who prefers to "emote in private" as my therapist likes to put it. I suffer from a lot of social anxiety meeting strangers and going into unfamiliar situations and the depression I was suffering just made me want to curl up and hide away from the world.
I'm glad I did finally go, after the gentle nudging of many SR members, whose wisdom and serenity I admired. I've been working the program for just over a year and it has probably been the single best thing I have done for myself in my life.
Keep sharing and feel free to vent. We are here for you.

dandylion

ridiculous....many people experience a simple version of the "baby blues" which seems to fade away in a short time. If it is persisting for 14months....I would suggest that you tell your Gyn doctor about it. (you won't have to tell your whole life story!). If you don't have such a doctor...you can go to planned parenthood and receive very sympathetic attention. (I worked in a woman's hospital for several years). You deserve and can get treatment for this. Please don't suffer in silence. Talk to someone. You would be surprised at how much better you would feel.

Please hang around and let us know h ow things are going for you.

dandylion

ridiculous

@ladyscribbler...the social anxiety has been obnoxious! I've only started having èpisodes recently and, wow. Not enjoying those at all. I will also wake to a full on panic attack..when I actually sleep. Ive become a very "keep to myself" person on all fronts. It sucks.

@dandylion...I suppose I should, I've meant to..I'm the worlds best procrastinator. I'm just not sure if it is actual post partum or I'm wanting it to be because I need something to blame the depression on?
I've done so much reading on so many things that I can almost convience myself I have a number of issues at this point!! Haha.

LexieCat

Alcoholism is progressive, so it's likely things will GET to be a ton worse.

You can go to Al-Anon and just listen for the first few times. My bet is once you hear what other people are sharing about it will become natural to want to share what you are experiencing.

As painful as it may seem to talk about these things, keeping them to yourself is a whole lot more damaging.

ridiculous

Well, yes. Its been a roller coaster. I've been with him going on 10 years, we were social drinkers for a good 6 of those 10 years but something happened somewhere along the way. This point we are at now is hardly a walk in the park but it's a lot better than it has been. I just meant he is not physically abusive...there are so many people out there dealing with situations I've not had to deal with.

I imagine one day I'll make my way to a meeting.

dandylion

ridiculous....don't try to diagnose it yourself. It could actually be a combination. The important thing is not what it is "called"....but the fact that you feel like crap every day.
You need to be able to function and feel like an alive person.
Hon...you need to take care of your baby's mother. It is the very best thing that you can do for your self and your children.

Think about taking only tiny baby steps at a time. Sometimes, it is just too much to look at everything at one time---it just feels overwhelming. But one baby step can seem doable. Also, doing one small thing...and the satisfaction that comes with that seems to make the next baby step easier!!
Coming here was actually a pretty big step!....so, I know you can do it. Ordering the book is another....

one day at a time...

dandylion

ShootingStar1

There is deep grief in living alone while in a marriage, especially with someone who used to be your best friend, confidante, lover and companion. You are still there, but he is not.

The hardest part for me to acknowledge and finally understand, after a 20 year marriage, is that we can't do anything at all to change our partner. How they live is up to them, despite the anguish that may bring to us.

Baby steps are the way to go - and you can take care of yourself even in the midst of this devastating loss. Sometimes emotional loss and trauma is worse than physical, so don't under-estimate what you are going through. Physical abuse, while terrible, can be named and understood and coped with on that level. Adding emotional abuse - or the loss that comes from losing a beloved partner in fact, if not in legal status - changes our whole perception of ourselves and the world around us.

This is the place to start. You sound like you are in depression, and whether it comes from living with alcoholism, the baby postpartum blues, or both, you need and deserve treatment. Starting with sharing your feelings on SR is a wonderful step. We here have lived through what you are living through, and many of us have come long steps toward a happier more fulfilling life. You can trust us and share with us.

It would be good for you to see your doctor since it may be medication is indicated, and you may be able to get a referral to a good psychologist who takes your insurance. They may be able to start counseling by just acknowledging where you are now emotionally, and helping you there without initially requiring a long onerous conversation. That is probably your depression talking, anyway. In any event, you need support and taking small steps to get it is a great way to start.

Hugs,

ShootingStar1

AnvilheadII

finding SR was a huge step for you. take just a moment and say, yeah go me! it can start NOW. in fact, it's already started! we're here 24/7.

I understand the hesitation to find a NEW counselor and start all over. maybe by getting some of it out here, that will help you sort thru it all. and maybe one day you'll think hey, maybe I WILL saunter off to that meeting! maybe you'll start by finding out where one is and then just doing a drive by - get the lay of the land, practice run if you will.

one thing I know....you can't love HIM well, but you can love yourself enough to want to get well. for you....for your kids. you matter. THEY matter. yeah, he matters too, but he's a big boy and can take care of himself.

so - you are not alone now.