PippiLngstockng

I did it because I want to finish the divorce negotiation. So we spoke for an hour. by phone long distance. No one fought and he might agree to some things but will speak to his lawyers first.

I felt great at the time but now I feel lousy. I don't know who I am today. I can't answer a single question for myself. My thoughts all go around in circles.

I never wanted to speak to him again.

Today, it hurts so much since I did. I want him out of my life. The only way that would happen is if I were to abandon my children.

I felt strong when I spoke to him. A strong person can face the one they fear. But now I feel like I let go of the promise that I made to myself and I feel lost.

MissFixit

How have you communicated with him for the last 2 years? Nothing has changed. You just talked to him. Try not to "awfulize" it.

LexieCat

You spoke to him for a legitimate reason. Try to think of the conversation as a practical chore you had to do, like cleaning the toilet.

It's inevitable that the two of you will have to communicate ONCE in a while because of the kids. Think of this as a first step in de-sensitizing yourself. Every conversation you need to have with him doesn't have to devolve into drama. The emotional upset you are feeling right now is all internal--he didn't do anything to you in this conversation.

I know there's a lot of history that comes up just from hearing his voice, but try to stay in the moment. It will be very good if he does agree to some of what you want. If he doesn't, then you can deal with it when it happens.

Hugs,

dandylion

Pippe...I think that every time we see the fire-breathing dragon up close...it stirs up our emotions for a little while.
Just forge ahead and give it another day or two....and, I think you will return to normal again.
That is the way it works for me....

dandylion

ShootingStar1

This sounds like PTSD. When you talk to him, literally hear his voice, all those memories and fears of the very very bad things he did surface, and with them your body's knee jerk reactions from when you were with him and lived in and faced that terror.

What you can do is let the feelings and reactions come, and let them GO. Use your mind, and talk to yourself like you would a small frightened child - - "that's how I felt in the past when he was scarey and evil and threatened and hurt me. Now all it is is his voice on the phone. The rest of that stuff just isn't happening right now".

Pippi, this is also where some counseling will be very helpful.

Keep the faith, and keep bringing yourself back to the fact that the adult, rational, thoughtful part of you made a good choice to talk to him to resolve these issues, and that the fearful part of you is reacting as if you were in current trauma, which you aren't.

There is a book that was a lifesaver for me - In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine, PhD that you might find very helpful.

This too shall pass, and each time you get through it, you are repairing and building new neural channels in your brain that will, over time, move you away and beyond the trauma reaction. There is literally neurological functioning of your brain going on here that causes these emotional reactions, and it can be repaired.

We're here for you and with you,

ShootingStar1

PippiLngstockng

I essentially asked God what to do, and the answer was to talk to xah. What went with the negotiation was him asking me lots of questions about our family life here and the children. To hear him talk, it seems like he's pretty clueless about their education and their development. he could find out himself by taking more of an active role and actually going to their schools and such. But he is heavily invested in his story. Which is 'poor him. His wife insists on living far away in Europe and he is forced to live alone in our 6 br house and rent luxury chalets in the alps to see his children so he's broke.

I just want the divorce finished in a way that benefits the children - and myself. My priorities #1 and 2 to reference Hammer. I don't want to have to attend to his story and self pity. I try to let it slip out of me, but instead, I remember his voice and that I loved him and how he lies and we all get sucked in. And then how he told me after I had kicked him out, 'no one is going to believe you.' I lose my focus.

And that helps, Shooting Star. Yes, when I blank out and feel little and lost, it is post trauma. And current trauma because my finances are always worse and worse and I panic when the bill collectors get involved and I can't buy gifts for the holidays. Once the divorce is finished though, I will be okay again.

Tomorrow I will contact him and see if he has agreed to anything. Then we go to the next unresolved issues. He is in no hurry, but I want this thing DONE.

redatlanta

Sometimes it just takes a conversation without the middle men. I think this was the right thing to try. No assurances he will negotiate but maybe part of all this was anger at being dumped, and inability to talk to you. I hope so. And I hope this will wind it up.

Don't feel bad.

hopeful4

Pippi, I think this is a good thing. I think you did it to protect your children and yourself. To get this to end for all of you. That is good

XXX