Mrrryah1

Relapsed the night before last, went from an "after work cocktail" with the colleagues to shooting meth and coke in a disgusting drug house within an hour. Real nice.

Real depressed and feeling physically awful still. Hot and cold sweats. Insomnia.

Spent the entire day and evening with my sponsor. That was really good.

Went to a meeting where I knew lots of people and took a 24 hour chip even though I was embarrassed. Sponsor told me to and I do what sponsor says now.

Sigh.

I know I've relapsed a lot guys but please be easy on me. I'm here and I'm sober and that's all I can do right now. I'm my own worst enemy and my self judgement and negative self talk is really heavy right now.

JimdiGriz

Wow, that's quick and pretty raw.
Good luck , you're back on the right track
I'd try to always remember the rapid fall of this experience
Big hug

mecanix

Hello Mrryah ,
I think alcohol and drugs really messes with your body clock .. Congratulations on getting back up and coming back

Insomnia is a real pain remember it is the fault of the drugs and alcohol we put in our system … sobriety on a longer term will give your body time to heal and things will eventually normalise … it's a slow process though .

A book / u-tube / or video games can help the time pass or they did with me when i couldn't sleep ..

take care , m

Alchemist1978

Hello Mrryahh,

I can't sleep either went on a 6 day binge drinking beer and feel like crap.
everytime I put my head down the worst thoughts go through my head.

sprout50

Mrrryah, It seems like you have multiple addictions. I feel for you. Sticking close to your sponsor and meetings is a good idea right now. Take things slow and go easy on yourself.

Nuudawn

That was the scariest line in that paragraph to me....

Mrrryah...may I ask ...what was going through your mind? Do you really, really, really, really think you could "get away with" some light and breezy after work cocktail...? Seriously. Like something about the way I'm reading that sounds like you were expecting to REALLY have one easy cocktail and then just head on home to a bubble bath and a cup of chai tea. Like ..really?

Tell us more bout that thinking...if so inclined.

Soberwolf

Hi Mrrryah do you think its time to consider a detox/rehab option ?

youve got support in bundles i really hope you seek help for these addictions

big hugs Mrrryah

lunar

Mrrryah, face the truth.
You (like most of us here), simply cannot drink.
In varying degrees and scenarios, drinking
transforms us into blind, self-destructive creatures.
Get some rest then focus on your recovery plans.

AnvilheadII

mrrryah, if I have the dates right you had posted about your upcoming 5th step and thinking your sponsor was being to harsh or cold and feeling really unsettled about it all.......and then within hours, you choose to drink. and then Old Thunder came flying out of chute #3. coincidence? think not.

that isn't a beat you up statement, just an observation. i'm glad you are sticking to your sponsor now, taking direction, and getting to meetings. keep doing that. long ago when I first started going to meetings (1987) one of the sayings about how to stay sober was:

1) Don't Drink
2) Go To Meetings
2) Follow Directions

and the Directions are:

1) Don't Drink
2) Go To Meetings
2) Follow Directions

and the Directions are.......

HeartsAfire

Seems like you've got some 'splaining to do. Not to us or your sponsor, but to yourself.

You're in my thoughts...

Lance40

Mrrryah1 - I don't have a lot to add to what others have said, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand. I know exactly what it's like for that one after-work cocktail to end up several hours later using in a filthy bathroom stall in the seamy drug underworld. I also know all about those terrible come downs: the insomnia, feeling so bad you want to die, and especially that dirty guilt and shame from the soul-sucking, self-centred craving for pleasure at any cost when meth was in the mix. I'm thankful that I haven't had to go through this for 10 months now, and I really want this for you too. I'm so glad you have a sponsor and are going to meetings. I wish you all the best on your sobriety journey.

Magellan

Mrrryah1, I remember a post you wrote about introducing one of your friends/colleagues to AA, you were on like day #60, it was inspirational. I know you can get back to that point...you are very strong.

anattaboy

Yup, sounds about right. Alcohol gave me the eff-it to go IV years ago. Wish I hadn't. I recall your first post on this subject. In the beginning this timeI carried $25 around for a month+ thinking I would bang a quarter if I found one. I never looked too hard-couldn't make it do-able w/out the alcohol or the whole AVRT is working. The instant rush thing I get. The days of feeling bad after I don't. Best wishes.

Kero

Congrats for coming back. Just remember, that's what "just one drink" leads to.

I used to have terrible insomnia when I drank. I would literally go 1-2 days without any sleep.

Now that I am sober, that and many other problems are simply gone. I slept 7 hours straight without waking up, then went back to sleep for another hour. I'd never do that when I was drinking. All that "pass out for 3/4 of a day" stuff really catches up with your body.

Wastinglife

My drug of choice has always been alcohol. However, I also love to enhance the buzz with any substance i can. Many booze and cocaine binges. It always started with just a pint after work at the pub with co-workers football buddies. They all head home after a few drinks. I leave the pub and take on the city alone.

It's the first drink we need to worry about. Never mind the vodka bottle I guzzle at home later. I don't even buy the vodka without having that first pint of lager.

Rest up, Myrrah, you may not sleep at all really, but I'm sure you are going thru a hell of a comedown

Venecia

Myrrrah, I'm not going to kick you while you're down. I agree with Hearts.

But I am, as I have in the past, going to tell you how concerned I am for you. The danger to which you're continuing to expose yourself is frightening.

As you know, you're not going to find good people in drug houses or among dealers. You're not going to find people concerned about the safety of needles in drug houses or among dealers.

At this point, my concern for you is that you won't come out of that kind of house. Or you will come out physically and/or sexually harmed. Or that your IV drug use will lead to a terrible diagnosis.

The pattern seems to repeat itself. You've mentioned your reluctance to enter inpatient and listed your reasons why you "cannot." I think that right now, you need to look at it as the best option in what has literally become a life-or-death situation.

You have the support of many here on SR. But we can only offer support. You need to make the decisions that create a hope-filled life for yourself.

Nuudawn

^^^ yup. I know for me, I equate that drink to the bullet in the barrel in Russian Roulette.

Will I die if I pull this trigger? Essentially, I'm throwing my hands up in the air..and it's "round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows".

We need to live beyond our "in the moment" impulses and play that tape all the way through Myrrah. I get it...believe me I do. My "addiction" will always try to convince me...I can have "one"...that's it's BIG play. That's the play I gotta call bullsh*t on.

Please come 'round and let us know how you're doing friend. You're needed here.

BirdsAteMyFace

Alcohol makes us think it's a good idea to do terribly destructive things. A sober friend of mine once said some thing to the effect of "there's someone trying to kill me, they'll stop at nothing to destroy my life and I can't ever seem to get away because that person is me".

Love yourself. Imagine yourself as a little kid and dig up that urge to protect them. Treat yourself as you would anyone you love. You wouldn't stand for someone doing this to someone else. You don't have to stand for addiction doing this to you.

PurpleKnight

Never give up Mrryahh, you can turn this around!!

It's gonna take some tough decisions and a change of perspective though, I really needed to accept that a non drinker doesn't go to after work drinks, they don't go to bars and they don't go out clubbing, I also needed to accept the first drink was my real problem, that is what opened the floodgates, I couldn't have one drink and so none at all was the solution.

Chang up your plan, maybe more support and go at things again!!

You can do this!!

MartyB77

Mrryahhh, you are telling my story.I kept telling myself it would be different this time.I struggled in and out for ten years with a booze and drug problem.I have over 11 years clean and sober today.I always thought the booze was not a problem, but it ALWAYS brought me back to the drugs.
AA will love you until you can love yourself.
If you fall down 4 times, but get UP 5 times you are a winner.