itsmylifenow

I've come quite a long way in my healing. But, I have one final thing that still remains.

My xabf and a friend...now, xf, were together awhile ago during a time when we were broken up, yet still seeing each other.

I seemed to have somehow forgiven him, probably because I had feelings for him. But, her....I can't stand her presence.

She bothered me before this happened. She's a brazen, outspoken, in-your-face, kind of person. She's selfish, doesn't seem concerned about anyone else, and certainly didn't worry about our friendship when she slept with my x.

In fact, she told me we weren't really good friends anyways, so if we weren't in each other's lives..it wouldn't matter.

I hate her. Straight up, can't stand her. Whenever I see her out she's got to make a point to say hello to me, even though I've asked her to just ignore me. I'm not talking a simple, hi. Nope. She's got to make a big scene about it. Waving at me, jumping up and down to get my attention. Yeah. It's annoying. She doesn't do it with an apology, or to make amends. She does it because she knows it bothers me.

I see her pic or her name and I get angry all over again. I really want to let this go - I'd like to start a new year off without this animosity lingering. I've gotten over so much - why is this still stuck with me? Why am I so pissed at her exactly?? I wonder if it goes beyond her telling me she didn't go after her friends guys - and, then her doing exactly that. She just really rubs me the wrong way.

I feel betrayed by her...and, him. I've never trusted her and I never will.

I want her to have no effect on me at all.

How do I get past her?

LexieCat

One of the things that's always been suggested to me in these situations is to pray for the person. I've tried it, and it actually does work. Even if you don't believe a whole lot in prayer. Even if you don't believe in God at all, in fact--Buddhism has a lovingkindness meditation practice called "metta," that Buddhist friends of mine swear by.

FeelingGreat

That's a hard one. She sounds like an aggressive person with a lot of anger, and all you can really do is ignore her. Maybe you'll starve her of attention.

Hammer

Sounds like you have good emotional integrity.

Good job on your Heart keeping the bytch out of your life.

Congrats. Really.

Meanwhile. Like Lexie said. Pray for her. REALLY screws with things.

Hawkeye13

I agree with the metta / prayer.
It does work.

Also, consciously cut off any emotional energy to her when you see her.
If she says Hi, nod and turn away and don't engage in false banter, but don't show
upset either.

She'll lose interest in doing it after she is ignored in front of others for awhile.
Shallow people usually do what looks good in a crowd, and being ignored doesn't look good.

CodeJob

Yep, I'd pray for her to meet Mr. Right, have a lovely wedding, pop out a few healthy tots... That would likely take her right out of the nightlife...

biminiblue

I agree with prayer for her.

The hatred you are radiating is hurting you more than it is hurting her. By directing good thoughts toward her, you deliver yourself from pain.

itsmylifenow

Now, see, I figured this was the solution as well. Instead, she seems to hate being ignored and enjoys the fact I'm not talking to her. It's like a challenge to her now to see if she can get me to talk to her.

Funny, coming from someone who told me we weren't the best of friends anyways and we'd never miss each other from our lives.

Just as a sidenote...the last time I saw her she was with her bf (who she adamantly told me she disliked because he was so negative - but, he has money and takes her places) and she couldn't stop trying to get my attention. I admit I lost it and kind of yelled out that she slept with my bf...you know what...it happens! Holding it in was driving me crazy. I was trying to do the right thing and be strong and let it go. But, I hate secrets.

To top it off, the xabf tells me - she was just trying to be friendly. Slam!!! Sticking up for her...yep.

I avoid them at all costs, but it's really not feasible not to run into one or the other every now and again.

carmen303

Well, based on what everyone has been telling me on here, dating/marrying an ABF is a hard, painful road to travel. So, whatever you experienced with him, will get worse (or so I've been told). So, I doubt her bad behavior will be rewarded.

Personally, I'd want to tell her straight forward, "hey, we are not friends after what you did. why do you keep bothering me? Seriously, do you not get it? Stay away from me." That would be my temptation. I doubt anyone here would recommend that.

How about telling her, "I'm praying for you" and walk away.

LifeRecovery

I think that this has all been pretty recent and are you holding yourself to realistic standards?

Typically anger from an affair really hits the betrayed six months to a year out from the affair (I hit it between four and eights months).

If I remember correctly it was this summer that it all happened. I got really angry at that time at the significant other that had participated in the affair, not just the other person. Prior to that I was okay with his role in it.

I agree with the other suggestions, but I wonder if this is asking too much, too soon of you.

shil2587

I think it's OK to be angry. It's not irrational anger. She's also.going out of her way to irritate you. It sounds like maybe you might be angry with yourself for being irritated?

Honestly, she strikes me as a comical.character. I mean, what adult jumps up and down waving shouting cooeee at someone who hates them. Maybe look at her as a sort of pantimime show. Irritating, but childish and gaudy, and laugh? Laughter can be a wonderful healer. After all, in this situation you are the only healthy one able to see the absurdity!

tomsteve

If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.

This has worked for me many many times. But ya know what can bugger me up?? Knowing the resentment destroys me and the other person???mnot doin a darn thing to them!!!

hopeful4

You know what, it's ok not to like everyone. However, that resentment will eat you alive. Think of what a desperate person she had to be to do something like that. It's hard to take the high road, but there is much more peace there. And the saying that time heals a lot of things, that is true.

XXX

tomsteve

Something else I look at: the pain and misery inside that persons head,although they are usually in denial( guess how I learned that???? Yeah,mi was a sick man).

Rosiepetal

This is a hard one.
My best mate ran off with my husband of 20 years.
It was a double betrayal.
I had to sell half my house & she moved into my beautiful home.
Over the years I have forgiven her several times but for some reason she continues to dig the knife in.
I've struggled with nightmares of them both for years.
They moved countries, the nightmares stopped.
They moved back again & started court proceedings against me over custody of our children.
When this womens marriage split up she came to me & I looked after her children, fed them, made them beds etc & she in turn betrayed me.
Now she is making waves between myself & my children.
It's gotten to the stage where I just think, I'm sorry, I tried to forgive you but you kept betraying me & I think she has broken so many boundaries that maybe it is healthy for me to feel the way I do so I have better boundaries to prevent this ever happening again.

redatlanta

Pray for her for sure it does work.

Every time she approached me I would ask her if she got rid of the vaginal infection.

Just because we are praying for someone doesn't mean we have to put up with their crap.

itsmylifenow

Haha!! Love that!

I'm sure it wouldn't be a stretch for her. She once told me that when she gets drunk she just has to kiss whoever's in front of her. Apparently, that number is quite high.

I want to add this here as well....I think one of the reasons I've also got some resentment towards her is because she has this sexual vibe that just exudes from her. Before my hysterectomy it made me nervous to be around her! Since the big H, I don't have that same sexuality that I had before, and I think that might be what bothers me more than anything. Don't get me wrong, I still think she's a drunken s**t, but, I'm envious of the female sexual energy she has that I don't anymore.