Checking in
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Checking in
Hello, SR.
I just wanted to check in. I've been pretty busy the last few weeks. My work is starting to pick up, and my job is coming to an end in about a month. Then I'm switching to a new office for my time out of town.
I still swim twice a week. I've had a couple of friends ask me to do their hair, so I've gotten to catch up with them. Met another friend for lunch today.
I went to Alanon today. I got there a few minutes late, and I had to leave early to get to my hair appointment, but I'm glad I went. I have an appointment every Saturday at 10:00 and that group meets every Saturday at 9:00. So I told my 10:00 we need to push his appointment to 10:15 so I have enough time to stay for meetings and make it to work. He said no problem.
I'm still really lonely. I live at home with my parents and brother. It's not my ideal situation at 26, but housing is really expensive here in AK and I spend a month's rent on my student loans, which when combined with my others bills leaves no money for rent. I just am at the point where I see everyone (or at least it seems like it) be in a relationship and it makes me sad. My two best friends are each married, with a toddler, and are both pregnant with #2. My other friends are married or in relationships, and most have kids. And X's older sister moved out of state and I can't even get her on the phone. I feel like I'm "behind."
My RXBF has been out of the treatment center for about five weeks, and I've seen him on weekends. I would like to think I'm getting better at holding my ground. I let him use my car last weekend and gave him some rules (don't crash it, no smoking, be back by 4 and don't drive other people). When I got in (we went to lunch when he got back) it was very obvious someone else had been in my car, and I asked him. He said he ran into a friend and dropped him off at the grocery store. I did say, I wish you wouldn't drive people when I ask you not to. He just responded that he needed a ride.
I get it though, I mean I totally would have given the kid a ride. It's just that it's my insurance. I didn't make that a rule to be a b***h or control what he's doing or where he goes or anything, but it worries me if something were to happen, it's my car and insurance. And hello, it's winter in Alaska. I'm not sure how long is long enough to not let him use my car, but he absolutely isn't driving it next time he asks.
He had a friend moving out of town and wanted to go see her. That's why he wanted to use my car. She ended up getting called into work and he wanted to take the car back out so he could meet up with her and maybe see a movie or something. I said no I'm not lending you my car to go to a movie with some girl. He laughed and said I expect the worst in him, and duh he's not going to turn down something free. I said nope, not doing that. Plus I didn't want to be in town for very long and wanted to go home (which I did, go me!).
I did lend him some money for a phone bill. He has a job now, but just started and hasn't gotten his first paycheck yet. I asked when he would pay me back, he said no later than the 16. I asked him today and he said he just needs to wait for his check to clear. I really believe he will pay me. If not, well, I guess I'm in the same story as the car. No more.
He asked whether I would loan his dad money towards a car. His dad is going to get it and X will pay him back. I told X that I felt like I'd been down this road before, and how many times do I have to do this? And I said no. I wasn't going to give him any more money towards a car. (Last year I helped him get his license and loaned him money for a car, which he never ended up buying.) During that conversation, said I felt like I'm done being nice, because that didn't get me anywhere. He looked confused and asked what I meant, but I didn't elaborate too much because I didn't want to get upset.
He said he was going to pay me back all the money he's borrowed. He also has my Xbox (I play it about once a year, so no loss for me) but when he had it at his sister's, his nephews broke a piece of the front panel off. He told me he was going to replace it because he is unhappy with the condition it is in. I told him I didn't care because I hardly use it, and he said that's not the point. I understand that, if I broke something that I was borowing I would want to fix it or replace it as well. He also took me to lunch, and when I thanked him he said something about him catching up (I always paid for lunch) and I said yeah, only 376 more to go! He laughed and said well maybe not that many, but yeah.
I said all that about the Xbox to say that it *seems* like he is changing and becoming more responsible. Now, I realize I contrasted that with the car, which probably makes me sound crazy. But he's got a job, he's taking care of himself, he's being honest, and he's being straighforward (no more nonanswers that DROVE ME CRAZY). I am happy for him, and am proud of him.
I know some of you have expressed concern about this realtionship. We are not together. I still cannot say that I don't want to be with him, but I feel like I am far enough back to see how he treated me. I guess seeing the changes that he has made and the growth and progress makes me hopeful. But I don't want to spend my time worrying that maybe it's all an act. Fool me twice, shame on me, you know?
Ugh. I don't want to look back at my 20s and wish I would have moved on and no spent so much time on X. But I also don't want to look back and wish that I would have given him just one more chance. Ugh.
I just wanted to check in. I've been pretty busy the last few weeks. My work is starting to pick up, and my job is coming to an end in about a month. Then I'm switching to a new office for my time out of town.
I still swim twice a week. I've had a couple of friends ask me to do their hair, so I've gotten to catch up with them. Met another friend for lunch today.
I went to Alanon today. I got there a few minutes late, and I had to leave early to get to my hair appointment, but I'm glad I went. I have an appointment every Saturday at 10:00 and that group meets every Saturday at 9:00. So I told my 10:00 we need to push his appointment to 10:15 so I have enough time to stay for meetings and make it to work. He said no problem.
I'm still really lonely. I live at home with my parents and brother. It's not my ideal situation at 26, but housing is really expensive here in AK and I spend a month's rent on my student loans, which when combined with my others bills leaves no money for rent. I just am at the point where I see everyone (or at least it seems like it) be in a relationship and it makes me sad. My two best friends are each married, with a toddler, and are both pregnant with #2. My other friends are married or in relationships, and most have kids. And X's older sister moved out of state and I can't even get her on the phone. I feel like I'm "behind."
My RXBF has been out of the treatment center for about five weeks, and I've seen him on weekends. I would like to think I'm getting better at holding my ground. I let him use my car last weekend and gave him some rules (don't crash it, no smoking, be back by 4 and don't drive other people). When I got in (we went to lunch when he got back) it was very obvious someone else had been in my car, and I asked him. He said he ran into a friend and dropped him off at the grocery store. I did say, I wish you wouldn't drive people when I ask you not to. He just responded that he needed a ride.
I get it though, I mean I totally would have given the kid a ride. It's just that it's my insurance. I didn't make that a rule to be a b***h or control what he's doing or where he goes or anything, but it worries me if something were to happen, it's my car and insurance. And hello, it's winter in Alaska. I'm not sure how long is long enough to not let him use my car, but he absolutely isn't driving it next time he asks.
He had a friend moving out of town and wanted to go see her. That's why he wanted to use my car. She ended up getting called into work and he wanted to take the car back out so he could meet up with her and maybe see a movie or something. I said no I'm not lending you my car to go to a movie with some girl. He laughed and said I expect the worst in him, and duh he's not going to turn down something free. I said nope, not doing that. Plus I didn't want to be in town for very long and wanted to go home (which I did, go me!).
I did lend him some money for a phone bill. He has a job now, but just started and hasn't gotten his first paycheck yet. I asked when he would pay me back, he said no later than the 16. I asked him today and he said he just needs to wait for his check to clear. I really believe he will pay me. If not, well, I guess I'm in the same story as the car. No more.
He asked whether I would loan his dad money towards a car. His dad is going to get it and X will pay him back. I told X that I felt like I'd been down this road before, and how many times do I have to do this? And I said no. I wasn't going to give him any more money towards a car. (Last year I helped him get his license and loaned him money for a car, which he never ended up buying.) During that conversation, said I felt like I'm done being nice, because that didn't get me anywhere. He looked confused and asked what I meant, but I didn't elaborate too much because I didn't want to get upset.
He said he was going to pay me back all the money he's borrowed. He also has my Xbox (I play it about once a year, so no loss for me) but when he had it at his sister's, his nephews broke a piece of the front panel off. He told me he was going to replace it because he is unhappy with the condition it is in. I told him I didn't care because I hardly use it, and he said that's not the point. I understand that, if I broke something that I was borowing I would want to fix it or replace it as well. He also took me to lunch, and when I thanked him he said something about him catching up (I always paid for lunch) and I said yeah, only 376 more to go! He laughed and said well maybe not that many, but yeah.
I said all that about the Xbox to say that it *seems* like he is changing and becoming more responsible. Now, I realize I contrasted that with the car, which probably makes me sound crazy. But he's got a job, he's taking care of himself, he's being honest, and he's being straighforward (no more nonanswers that DROVE ME CRAZY). I am happy for him, and am proud of him.
I know some of you have expressed concern about this realtionship. We are not together. I still cannot say that I don't want to be with him, but I feel like I am far enough back to see how he treated me. I guess seeing the changes that he has made and the growth and progress makes me hopeful. But I don't want to spend my time worrying that maybe it's all an act. Fool me twice, shame on me, you know?
Ugh. I don't want to look back at my 20s and wish I would have moved on and no spent so much time on X. But I also don't want to look back and wish that I would have given him just one more chance. Ugh.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi AB, good for you if you don't lend him the car again. Stick to that without fuss. Same with money; once his paycheque is in, that's that. I hope he does pay you back.
I guess you could make a column about what he says, or agrees to, and his subsequent action. If you have solid positives on the action side, then he could well be changing. But it's a work over time, one or two times may not count.
This is a rebuilding part of your life; some of it not pleasant but necessary. Just one comment on you living at home; don't get sucked back into the role of the 'child'. Act like an adult and do more than a fair share of work, cooking and cleaning. You might already be doing this, but if you're not, it adds to your self-esteem and your independence.
I guess you could make a column about what he says, or agrees to, and his subsequent action. If you have solid positives on the action side, then he could well be changing. But it's a work over time, one or two times may not count.
This is a rebuilding part of your life; some of it not pleasant but necessary. Just one comment on you living at home; don't get sucked back into the role of the 'child'. Act like an adult and do more than a fair share of work, cooking and cleaning. You might already be doing this, but if you're not, it adds to your self-esteem and your independence.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Well the good news is that when I saw X tonight he asked if I would buy him something to eat because he is hungry. I said no I don't want to. Plus I didn't want to drive. So he said I'll drive. I said no you're not driving my car. I said no because he had driven with someone else. He said oh ok. And then left to see if his dad would get him food haha. Baby steps. Yay.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I thought about asking for it back and seeing what happened, but I feel like since I (honestly!) have no need for it back, that would just be testing him and I don't feel comfortable doing that.
I was at his sister's last night, and when I left my car had a flat tire. I drove down to the gas station and filled it up, but could hear the air coming out. I tried calling his dad (who moonlights as a mechanic) but his phone was off. I called X, asked if he was busy, and said I had a flat tire. He said he'd be down. He brought is dad, and they changed my tire for me. I cried a little bit after because I was really thankful I could count on him for help today. And then I cried a little more because I was embarrassed at myself and felt pathetic.
I was at his sister's last night, and when I left my car had a flat tire. I drove down to the gas station and filled it up, but could hear the air coming out. I tried calling his dad (who moonlights as a mechanic) but his phone was off. I called X, asked if he was busy, and said I had a flat tire. He said he'd be down. He brought is dad, and they changed my tire for me. I cried a little bit after because I was really thankful I could count on him for help today. And then I cried a little more because I was embarrassed at myself and felt pathetic.
Last edited by auroraxborealis; 12-14-2014 at 10:07 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I'm not sure. Sorry for the short post earlier, I hate typing on my phone.
I told myself I was going to give myself the year and just watch and see how he does. Because I want to trust him, and I want to believe in him. But I'm scared to.
He gets restless after a few months of the same thing. How we lasted so long, I may never know. But he wants to move out of the sober living house he is in becuase of the rules. He works nights, and wants to stay up on his nights off instead of throwing off his schedule. Ok, I get that. But he knew the rules when he moved in, which came before the job. So what I think happened is he found a girl that he can move in with to get out of the place he's at. This is not confirmed, but I wouldn't be surprised.
I'm glad I can see it. And I'm glad I can know this has nothing to do with me. Maybe he loves me, but he needs more than I give. I truly wish him nothing but the best. I want nothing more than to be able to work this out, but he keeps showing me we can't.
I'm leaving in a couple weeks to work out of town. I'll be gone until the end of Spring. I'm going to miss him terribly, but I think it will be easier when I won't be seeing him. Hopefully he will be OK.
I told myself I was going to give myself the year and just watch and see how he does. Because I want to trust him, and I want to believe in him. But I'm scared to.
He gets restless after a few months of the same thing. How we lasted so long, I may never know. But he wants to move out of the sober living house he is in becuase of the rules. He works nights, and wants to stay up on his nights off instead of throwing off his schedule. Ok, I get that. But he knew the rules when he moved in, which came before the job. So what I think happened is he found a girl that he can move in with to get out of the place he's at. This is not confirmed, but I wouldn't be surprised.
I'm glad I can see it. And I'm glad I can know this has nothing to do with me. Maybe he loves me, but he needs more than I give. I truly wish him nothing but the best. I want nothing more than to be able to work this out, but he keeps showing me we can't.
I'm leaving in a couple weeks to work out of town. I'll be gone until the end of Spring. I'm going to miss him terribly, but I think it will be easier when I won't be seeing him. Hopefully he will be OK.
Last edited by auroraxborealis; 12-22-2014 at 11:48 AM. Reason: grammar and spelling
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Aurora, you are a very generous and caring person. It says a lot that you end your last post with concern for how he will be. I think it's time for you to focus on how YOU are. It seems like you are very vulnerable in dealing with him, that it's hard for you to spend time with him without fantasizing about getting back together. This spell of being in touch with him started when he invited you to go to his graduation, and you at first felt like it would be harmless, you wouldn't be getting back together with him, you just want to be supportive, etc. But after being in touch with him for a while, you are now worrying a lot about this and feeling very hurt. And he sees to realize how much you care, and uses it to convince you to give him money and things. You are giving a lot more than you're getting in this relationship. I bet you will have a different perspective after being away from him for a while. Maybe it's worth considering going no contact while you're gone and see how it feels?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: OH
Posts: 21
Wow, 26! You might not think so but you are so young. I can really relate to what you said about everyone you know moving past you with regards to getting married and having children and things like that. I really want that too, and I am 32 years old. Still really afraid it won't ever happen for me and it feels like the clock is ticking. I was tied up in an abusive relationship (doesn't sound all that different from what you described here) with an opiate addict for close to three years.
Look at my signature. I live my life by that motto now. I used to be so forgiving and kind. I still am, for the most part. But the moment someone steps over that line, I'm not going to be so forgiving anymore.
My mom stayed with my dad for 30+ years. He was an abusive alcoholic/addict. He made our lives hell.
Maybe I sound preachy. I just really care deeply for others who are going through/have gone through the same thing. I know how much it hurts and I don't want them to hurt.
At 26, though, the world is your oyster! You have so much yet to see and do. Don't worry about the whole getting married and having kids thing. You have time. And I'm sure there is a great guy out there wondering where you are. It sounds like a good plan that you are getting away from this person for the next year or so and hopefully focusing on yourself. I completely agree with jjj111 that "no contact" is a really good approach to this situation. Believe me, I know how hard that is, but you can always come back here if you've run into trouble, and it would do you a world of good to get involved with other people and activities. Keep us updated on how things are going. You sound like a really good, kind-hearted person and you are fully deserving of someone who can give you the same in return.
Look at my signature. I live my life by that motto now. I used to be so forgiving and kind. I still am, for the most part. But the moment someone steps over that line, I'm not going to be so forgiving anymore.
My mom stayed with my dad for 30+ years. He was an abusive alcoholic/addict. He made our lives hell.
Maybe I sound preachy. I just really care deeply for others who are going through/have gone through the same thing. I know how much it hurts and I don't want them to hurt.
At 26, though, the world is your oyster! You have so much yet to see and do. Don't worry about the whole getting married and having kids thing. You have time. And I'm sure there is a great guy out there wondering where you are. It sounds like a good plan that you are getting away from this person for the next year or so and hopefully focusing on yourself. I completely agree with jjj111 that "no contact" is a really good approach to this situation. Believe me, I know how hard that is, but you can always come back here if you've run into trouble, and it would do you a world of good to get involved with other people and activities. Keep us updated on how things are going. You sound like a really good, kind-hearted person and you are fully deserving of someone who can give you the same in return.
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