Now what...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2
Now what...
I'm very much at the end of my rope. My husband of 11 years has had a binge drinking problem for the better part of the last decade. Once he starts he can't stop. I believed him when he promised the behavior would stop once we had children. It didn't. It worsened. I believed him again in May when he recognized he had an issue and promised to manage it better. He didn't. It worsened.
We now have a 2 year old that loves him dearly and another baby coming in 2 months. This week he couldn't stand up straight at 2am to rock the baby back to bed and literally fell over drunk getting out of bed, came home drunk from work 2 nights, broke the rear view mirror off the car completely the same night he drove home with an open beer in the car which is the same night he was "fine" to pick up the baby. Thank god that he didn't drive with the baby in the car. He's not mentioned anything to me about the mirror but I can only assume he hit something. Also found an empty bottle of tequila under the bed.
I've threatened divorce. I've cried, begged, pleaded, screamed to get change. Nothing works. It's "all my fault" by keeping him on a leash and not letting him live his own life.
I am really struggling being pregnant and trying to care for the baby and get through day to day life in this situation. Worrying about what happens when he finally hurts himself or others driving drunk. What happens if I force him to leave? How do I keep him away from our babies late at night whence can't stand up and wants to hold them? I can't shake the thought of him falling over with one in his arms and really hurting them.
I think I want a divorce but I don't know how I can handle life alone with 2 little ones. He's really a good daddy when sober but hates me to my core. He won't seek help. He doesn't have a problem...just me. He's not destroying his life, I am. The worst thing is that as much as I try not to believe the cruel and terrible things he says, it really gets to me and I can't help but to blame myself. I wish I could just escape too.
I can't believe this is happening.
We now have a 2 year old that loves him dearly and another baby coming in 2 months. This week he couldn't stand up straight at 2am to rock the baby back to bed and literally fell over drunk getting out of bed, came home drunk from work 2 nights, broke the rear view mirror off the car completely the same night he drove home with an open beer in the car which is the same night he was "fine" to pick up the baby. Thank god that he didn't drive with the baby in the car. He's not mentioned anything to me about the mirror but I can only assume he hit something. Also found an empty bottle of tequila under the bed.
I've threatened divorce. I've cried, begged, pleaded, screamed to get change. Nothing works. It's "all my fault" by keeping him on a leash and not letting him live his own life.
I am really struggling being pregnant and trying to care for the baby and get through day to day life in this situation. Worrying about what happens when he finally hurts himself or others driving drunk. What happens if I force him to leave? How do I keep him away from our babies late at night whence can't stand up and wants to hold them? I can't shake the thought of him falling over with one in his arms and really hurting them.
I think I want a divorce but I don't know how I can handle life alone with 2 little ones. He's really a good daddy when sober but hates me to my core. He won't seek help. He doesn't have a problem...just me. He's not destroying his life, I am. The worst thing is that as much as I try not to believe the cruel and terrible things he says, it really gets to me and I can't help but to blame myself. I wish I could just escape too.
I can't believe this is happening.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, glad you found us.
Yeah, you've got a lot to be feeling stressed out about. Everyone here can relate to your fear and frustration.
Believe me, a divorce is a piece of cake compared to living with an alcoholic in the house--particularly when you have young children. However difficult life as a single parent might look, parenting two little ones and one very large and clumsy one is much, much harder.
You don't have to decide anything this minute, though. Have you been to Al-Anon? I suggest you start there and learn as much as you can about alcoholism, too. There is a lot of useful information in the "stickies" at the top of the forum.
As you've already learned, there isn't anything you can do to make him quit drinking. There is a lot you can do for yourself, though, to regain your peace and sanity.
Hugs,
Yeah, you've got a lot to be feeling stressed out about. Everyone here can relate to your fear and frustration.
Believe me, a divorce is a piece of cake compared to living with an alcoholic in the house--particularly when you have young children. However difficult life as a single parent might look, parenting two little ones and one very large and clumsy one is much, much harder.
You don't have to decide anything this minute, though. Have you been to Al-Anon? I suggest you start there and learn as much as you can about alcoholism, too. There is a lot of useful information in the "stickies" at the top of the forum.
As you've already learned, there isn't anything you can do to make him quit drinking. There is a lot you can do for yourself, though, to regain your peace and sanity.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 94
A. Go to al-anon
B. Learn the 3cs
C. Stay safe (this includes your sanity)
Okay, those were not in order. C comes first. I am typing on a Kindle. Otherwise I would have more advice.But others more wise than I will be along shortly.
B. Learn the 3cs
C. Stay safe (this includes your sanity)
Okay, those were not in order. C comes first. I am typing on a Kindle. Otherwise I would have more advice.But others more wise than I will be along shortly.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Welcome.
Here is how I do it.
I can have ONE #1 Priority.
The kids are that #1 Priority. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer. She is not the #1 Priority.
Alanon taught me that to take care of that #1 Priority, I have to take care of ME. Mrs. Hammer is not named ME. She is not the #2 Priority.
Works that way down the all the things that take care of the kids. House, Job, Groceries, on and on. None of them are named Mrs. Hammer. She is not a Priority.
She will get over it.
I would suggest you not make pleasing an A any sort of a priority in your life.
Here is how I do it.
I can have ONE #1 Priority.
The kids are that #1 Priority. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer. She is not the #1 Priority.
Alanon taught me that to take care of that #1 Priority, I have to take care of ME. Mrs. Hammer is not named ME. She is not the #2 Priority.
Works that way down the all the things that take care of the kids. House, Job, Groceries, on and on. None of them are named Mrs. Hammer. She is not a Priority.
She will get over it.
I would suggest you not make pleasing an A any sort of a priority in your life.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
No wonder you're stressed HLMP, it must be heartbreaking for you. Your AH's (Alcoholic Husband) condition seems to be escalating, and unless he finds help and works it with complete dedication, he will probably progress to a much worse condition than now. Sorry if that's upsetting, but it does help you make decisions and plans with your eyes wide open.
Do you have any support in place. Friends, family? People who can babysit? Any source of income? If not, think hard about joining Al-anon, mother's groups, maybe church groups if you're religious. Try not to isolate yourself and make yourself more dependent on him.
You say he hates you to the core, and he is verbally abusing you. Also endangering the baby and presumably will do the same with your newborn. This is a situation of abuse, and I strongly suggest you call a Domestic Violence hotline. He doesn't have to be hitting you for it to qualify. At a time when you should be at peace, concentrating on impending birth he's saying 'cruel and terrible' things to you, destroying your morale. Highly stressed mothers have trouble bonding with their children (I have experienced this, although not the same cause).
Consider leaving, if you feel up to it, and if he even thinks about driving drunk with the children, call the police right away. No apologies.
Do you have any support in place. Friends, family? People who can babysit? Any source of income? If not, think hard about joining Al-anon, mother's groups, maybe church groups if you're religious. Try not to isolate yourself and make yourself more dependent on him.
You say he hates you to the core, and he is verbally abusing you. Also endangering the baby and presumably will do the same with your newborn. This is a situation of abuse, and I strongly suggest you call a Domestic Violence hotline. He doesn't have to be hitting you for it to qualify. At a time when you should be at peace, concentrating on impending birth he's saying 'cruel and terrible' things to you, destroying your morale. Highly stressed mothers have trouble bonding with their children (I have experienced this, although not the same cause).
Consider leaving, if you feel up to it, and if he even thinks about driving drunk with the children, call the police right away. No apologies.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HLMY,
I am sorry for what you are going through, especially being pregnant. You need to step back and breath. You have to understand that your husband is an alcoholic and he has no control over his drinking. So when he promises to stop, he really cant. So how do you solve this problem, dont ask him. Stop crying, pleading, begging, threatening, loving him and everything else you have tried, it won't work!!
You need to understand that you can't change him so what do you have control over? You. That is what you need to do. You need to keep reading SR and if you can go to an alanon meeting or open AA meetings that will help YOU. You need to stop engaging in his crazy alcoholic behavior. If he is drinking and wants to engage with you, dont!! You need to understand when he is drinking, he doesnt understand you and you don't understand him. So DONT. If hes angry, just apologize and move forward. Dont allow yourself to get upset. He is sick man and you are going down that same path and you will end up as sick as him.
You have a choice you can go down the raging river with him, or you can try and save yourself, you child and your infant. That is your priority and give him to either your higher power or (God). You can no longer help him.
Take care of yourself, Deep breaths, lots of reading and meetings, and I promise you, things will calm down, a little!!
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
I am sorry for what you are going through, especially being pregnant. You need to step back and breath. You have to understand that your husband is an alcoholic and he has no control over his drinking. So when he promises to stop, he really cant. So how do you solve this problem, dont ask him. Stop crying, pleading, begging, threatening, loving him and everything else you have tried, it won't work!!
You need to understand that you can't change him so what do you have control over? You. That is what you need to do. You need to keep reading SR and if you can go to an alanon meeting or open AA meetings that will help YOU. You need to stop engaging in his crazy alcoholic behavior. If he is drinking and wants to engage with you, dont!! You need to understand when he is drinking, he doesnt understand you and you don't understand him. So DONT. If hes angry, just apologize and move forward. Dont allow yourself to get upset. He is sick man and you are going down that same path and you will end up as sick as him.
You have a choice you can go down the raging river with him, or you can try and save yourself, you child and your infant. That is your priority and give him to either your higher power or (God). You can no longer help him.
Take care of yourself, Deep breaths, lots of reading and meetings, and I promise you, things will calm down, a little!!
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2
Thanks all. I've been reading and feel better that I'm not alone...but feel terrible that I've belonged there for quite some time. So many posts. So similar. I see the patterns but don't quite understand this disease...
I know an Al-Anon group that meets locally. I will be there next weekend. I resisted because maybe i didn't want to really admit he was a A but he definitely is.
I am thankful to have a good job and amazing support from my mom, but need to expand support base given how great the need is. It's a little more than she signed up for. Any suggestions on how to introduce that concept to AH? I can't really count on AH anymore since his behavior is so unpredictable these days and cannot do it all myself right now.
Also, really need some advice on how to be less angry. I'm so ad this is my reality now and he is so mad with me. It's a war zone around here. I don't' know if I'm quite ready to waive a white flag when he comes home falling over, but maybe a teeny tiny one....how to avoid engaging and then...avoid engaging over not engaging?
And maybe one more stupid question. Alcohol in the house? Haven't purchased any for months. He's drank everything that existed. He's brought in loose cans and bottles. Better to leave it out in the open vs. the sneak? Honestly can't decide what is better...
I know an Al-Anon group that meets locally. I will be there next weekend. I resisted because maybe i didn't want to really admit he was a A but he definitely is.
I am thankful to have a good job and amazing support from my mom, but need to expand support base given how great the need is. It's a little more than she signed up for. Any suggestions on how to introduce that concept to AH? I can't really count on AH anymore since his behavior is so unpredictable these days and cannot do it all myself right now.
Also, really need some advice on how to be less angry. I'm so ad this is my reality now and he is so mad with me. It's a war zone around here. I don't' know if I'm quite ready to waive a white flag when he comes home falling over, but maybe a teeny tiny one....how to avoid engaging and then...avoid engaging over not engaging?
And maybe one more stupid question. Alcohol in the house? Haven't purchased any for months. He's drank everything that existed. He's brought in loose cans and bottles. Better to leave it out in the open vs. the sneak? Honestly can't decide what is better...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Alanon helped me with the anger. A lot. Good call on trying a meeting next week.
As far as the kids' safety, my ex was and is still too deep in denial to admit that his drinking puts other people in danger, so I (when we lived together) had to push through all his quacking and denial and do what was necessary to keep them safe, even when he would gaslight me and try to minimize and deny how bad he was when he drank.
When I left I moved out of state to be closer to family who could help me out.
As for alcohol in the house, it really didn't matter. Even if there was booze in the open, he would still have a stash hidden someplace, usually more than one. As long as you're not buying it, that's really all you can do.
The last month or so we were together (I went back after a separation) I spent a lot of time out of the house taking the kids to beaches, parks, the library. Pretty much anywhere to get away from him when he was drinking and being abusive. Not saying that's a long term solution, and it would have been really difficult in cold weather.
As far as the kids' safety, my ex was and is still too deep in denial to admit that his drinking puts other people in danger, so I (when we lived together) had to push through all his quacking and denial and do what was necessary to keep them safe, even when he would gaslight me and try to minimize and deny how bad he was when he drank.
When I left I moved out of state to be closer to family who could help me out.
As for alcohol in the house, it really didn't matter. Even if there was booze in the open, he would still have a stash hidden someplace, usually more than one. As long as you're not buying it, that's really all you can do.
The last month or so we were together (I went back after a separation) I spent a lot of time out of the house taking the kids to beaches, parks, the library. Pretty much anywhere to get away from him when he was drinking and being abusive. Not saying that's a long term solution, and it would have been really difficult in cold weather.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You mean "introduce the concept" that you are going to Al-Anon? If you feel you need to explain where/why you are going, you can just say that his drinking bothers you, and you need some emotional support to deal with how it has affected you. If he argues about whether he's an alcoholic, you can just say that this has nothing to do with whether he is or he isn't--it has to do with how you react to it.
You're right about not engaging with him when he's drunk. Try not to get into arguments or discussions or debates about it. You don't have to accommodate him--e.g., if he's late for dinner you can eat without him. If he passes out on the sofa you don't have to cover him with a blanket. You'll learn more about detaching as you read hear and go to Al-Anon.
I wouldn't buy him any alcohol, but if he brings it in he has the right to drink it. It's his house, too. You can avoid being around it if it bothers you. Huge waste of time (and actually counterproductive) to throw it out.
Hugs, things will get better.
You're right about not engaging with him when he's drunk. Try not to get into arguments or discussions or debates about it. You don't have to accommodate him--e.g., if he's late for dinner you can eat without him. If he passes out on the sofa you don't have to cover him with a blanket. You'll learn more about detaching as you read hear and go to Al-Anon.
I wouldn't buy him any alcohol, but if he brings it in he has the right to drink it. It's his house, too. You can avoid being around it if it bothers you. Huge waste of time (and actually counterproductive) to throw it out.
Hugs, things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I agree with what everyone is saying. He is old enough to drink so let him drink. I know that you are angry but who does that benefit, you, or your child? It sure doesnt hurt him at all as it just brings you down.
You will learn in alanon about detaching, or detaching with love. This means you are letting the A's do there own thing. You can't rely on them for anything. Take care of yourself and if he's not home for dinner like he said he would, who cares, eat or do the stuff you need to do for you and your child. By detaching and letting him do his thing your life will not be so angry.
You have to remember that he is an A and nothing is going to change that until he seeks recovery and that might not be for a while. I am glad you have support from your mom and just tell her that you have been seeking some support from Alanon regarding XX drinking. We really shouldn't say that he is an alcoholic as that is only something that he can state. What we alanons can say is that we have a problem with his drinking and we need support for ourselves. What you have been doing to try and get him to stop has not worked, and I am sure that you have been trying for a while. Try Alanons way of helping yourself deal with your short comings and how to survive in that environment and you will be ok. As best as you can.
There might be some meetings that you can also bring your little one if you have no day care, I know many meetings i have seen moms with little ones. They are just glad you are there and they will help in anyway you can. Good luck and keep reaching out for help. The men and women in this forum are amazing!!
You will learn in alanon about detaching, or detaching with love. This means you are letting the A's do there own thing. You can't rely on them for anything. Take care of yourself and if he's not home for dinner like he said he would, who cares, eat or do the stuff you need to do for you and your child. By detaching and letting him do his thing your life will not be so angry.
You have to remember that he is an A and nothing is going to change that until he seeks recovery and that might not be for a while. I am glad you have support from your mom and just tell her that you have been seeking some support from Alanon regarding XX drinking. We really shouldn't say that he is an alcoholic as that is only something that he can state. What we alanons can say is that we have a problem with his drinking and we need support for ourselves. What you have been doing to try and get him to stop has not worked, and I am sure that you have been trying for a while. Try Alanons way of helping yourself deal with your short comings and how to survive in that environment and you will be ok. As best as you can.
There might be some meetings that you can also bring your little one if you have no day care, I know many meetings i have seen moms with little ones. They are just glad you are there and they will help in anyway you can. Good luck and keep reaching out for help. The men and women in this forum are amazing!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Welcome to SR and sorry for what brings you here. Lots of great thoughts and advice for you already.
A close friend of mine had her 2nd baby not long ago, and I remember her husband taking care of her older little one, while she was in labor and shortly thereafter. Have you thought about making arrangements with your family / friends to take care of your little one, when he/she is going to be a big brother/sister?
A close friend of mine had her 2nd baby not long ago, and I remember her husband taking care of her older little one, while she was in labor and shortly thereafter. Have you thought about making arrangements with your family / friends to take care of your little one, when he/she is going to be a big brother/sister?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hello HLMP - Welcome to SR. Its really hard to say it better than Hammer did.
My RAH relapsed a little over two years ago. I found SR. I eventually went to Al Anon - I never told him. I still go though not as often I never told him about SR.
Al Anon and SR for me is not about him, its about me - and healing my co-dependent behaviors. i have come a long way.
Keeping you in my thoughts, I am glad you are here.
My RAH relapsed a little over two years ago. I found SR. I eventually went to Al Anon - I never told him. I still go though not as often I never told him about SR.
Al Anon and SR for me is not about him, its about me - and healing my co-dependent behaviors. i have come a long way.
Keeping you in my thoughts, I am glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 38
I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this. You have come to the right place, as many people here have been in similar situations (myself included). One thing I see continually on this forum is how important it is to not isolate, and you have done a great thing by reaching out here. Hopefully you will be willing and able to continue checking in here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
All the perspective above about your control/influence/whatever over your alcoholic husband is correct. Al-Anon will help you deal with the reality and will be a source of support now and in the long run. But as a wife and mother, I want to impress upon you that your absolute, first, and IMMEDIATE priority MUST be the physical and emotional safety and well-being of your toddler and newborn-to-come, and of your own as their mother/protector/provider. (Stress like this during pregnancy is very bad for the baby -- you're swimming in cortisol. Sorry to add to your guilt feelings, but this is for real.)
If this means kicking your AH out tomorrow and retaining a divorce lawyer, then do it and do not look back. His ongoing alcoholic physical behavior is endangering your 2-year-old and will endanger the newborn. His alcoholic emotional behavior has abused you into thinking you are at fault -- when only he can control his actions. You're having Stockholm syndrome, sympathizing with your terrorist "captor."
Please stand before a mirror and read aloud to yourself what you posted. Listen to the truths coming out of your mouth. If it were your dearest friend telling you these things about *her* situation, what would you say to her?
Love yourself. Protect yourself and your babies. Use the support of your family and friends and your gainful employment. But do not let AH anywhere near the children. If he were a neighbor or a visitor, not your spouse, would you even consider for a moment letting him into your home, let alone near your child, drunk and dangerous and abusive? Do you want your little ones growing up thinking that a drunk, abusive daddy is an ideal daddy?
Good luck to you. Stay on SR. We support you. Take care of yourself.
If this means kicking your AH out tomorrow and retaining a divorce lawyer, then do it and do not look back. His ongoing alcoholic physical behavior is endangering your 2-year-old and will endanger the newborn. His alcoholic emotional behavior has abused you into thinking you are at fault -- when only he can control his actions. You're having Stockholm syndrome, sympathizing with your terrorist "captor."
Please stand before a mirror and read aloud to yourself what you posted. Listen to the truths coming out of your mouth. If it were your dearest friend telling you these things about *her* situation, what would you say to her?
Love yourself. Protect yourself and your babies. Use the support of your family and friends and your gainful employment. But do not let AH anywhere near the children. If he were a neighbor or a visitor, not your spouse, would you even consider for a moment letting him into your home, let alone near your child, drunk and dangerous and abusive? Do you want your little ones growing up thinking that a drunk, abusive daddy is an ideal daddy?
Good luck to you. Stay on SR. We support you. Take care of yourself.
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