SoberComposer

Hi SR,

After years of just getting by and being okay with it, I find myself sorta devastated, 4.5 months sober. I have a good heart and starting to realize that a big part of my addiction is because I didn't want to be a part of deceptive relationships. When I was younger my best friend and our group of friends fell into drugs and ultimately deceived themselves and me along the way, thankfully my compass would not let me foolishly go in that direction so I got a job. I have been alone and drinking a lot over the years, I think because it was safer and filled that social void. Thankfully, I have been working out and look/feel good but do not want deceptive relationships (I know have social options but really not interested in those younger options). I am now in my late thirties and work around people much younger than me. It seems that in this world people have so many things to occupy their time (FB, text messages, family, previous friendships) that they don't really trust or want new people. Also, I honestly wouldn't want to spend my free time with people that I currently know. I live in a pretty much 'hole in the wall' of a city that is super conservative and very religious. I am open-minded about my spirituality and believe that everyone deserves respect (as long as they are not selfishly hurting others) and especially those who need support. It seems that in my world, if you need don't have a big group of friends and make good money then you must not be a good person.

At some point I would love to find a good woman with a good heart. Someone who has learned from life and allowed the struggle to let them rise above the basic level of self-righteousness/selfishness/judgement.. that seems to plague our society. It's like, if you have money then you can have a relationship.. but, I wouldn't want a relationship with these type of people. However, I am guilty of not going out though and finding someone.. Honestly, I think that I may have judged society/given up on them. I fear that I have become lucidly cynical. My Mom has said that I am way too young to feel this way, she said this is how much older people feel. That makes sense to me why older people would feel this way. I have never been one to ignore things, where I see so many tailoring reality to a nice comfortable version.. but, it is usually full of denial and even racist and other things that I know to be wrong paths.

I am feeling that same feeling that I had that made me want to drink, even though I know this is transitory and will pass, i will not.. I will/must see this through. I just have to figure-out what and where would be right for me. In some ways, I feel that a Tibetan monastery would be nice but I know that is just me looking up from this life-crevice that I have been stuck in. Instead of climbing out I had given up and drank. I now must climb out.. but am I climbing out into a desolate world of materialism and selfishness? Where are the good people?

I imagine a good relationship where two love each other when one beautiful soul recognizes another beautiful soul, despite income/religious/political views. To me, overcoming differences in the face of love is a wonderful thing.

Am I dreaming here? Am I too cynical or am I seeing things correctly? I am planning to move soon and look for a better career move for the unknown possibilities (something I was able to talk to my supervisor with and he agrees and supports me, I made that move yesterday and was so worried but it went very well). I'm just scared and now that my void is no longer filled from intoxication my heart is yearning for friends, companionship's and even love.

-SR

SoberLeigh

Yes, there is desolation and materialism in the world, SoberComposer, but there is also great beauty, kindness, selflessness, joy. If it is not readily apparent or existing in our lives, we need to look outside our realities and move beyond our comfort zones.

Maybe try volunteering; I suspect you will find some like-minded souls. As for a soul-mate, someone is out there looking for SoberComposer; get out there; hiding makes it difficult to find each other.

SoberComposer

Thanks SoberLeigh, I see what you mean about hiding makes it difficult to find someone who would appreciate me. Thanks

trachemys

You have to take the you that you like and put him out there to find out who else will like him.

JanieJ

I understand your cynicism SC, but there is a beautiful world out there, you just haven't found it yet.

Are you in the position to travel ? I have some suggestions, not that you have you take my advice at all, but it might get you thinking.

Go to Spain and walk the Camino De Santiago. Go to India and visit some monastries and spiritual retreats. Volunteer in Africa, South America, Indonesia.

Experiences like these would change your life- you would meet some amazingly good- hearted people.

Kero

Hang in there, the right person is out there. I guarantee it. I was pretty similar when I was young. In high school and college I barely dated, and when I did it never lasted more than a few weeks. Most of my friends were in these long term relationships all the time while I was single almost all the time. I mean, I knew I was attracted to women, but I couldn't find one that I could connect with on any level. It wasn't anyone's fault, but it was like they were from Venus while I was from some other dimension.

One day I get a call from a guy I know, I wouldn't even call him a friend, just someone I knew and would hang out with now and again. Well, he's going out to a bar and wants to know if I'll tag along (I was still drinking back then obviously) so I say sure, why not? Long story short he has a date with a girl who he is crazy about, but she wants to bring a friend along. So, I'm on a blind date and don't even know it.

We hit it off instantly and we've been married 15 years and together almost 20. This from the guy who couldn't date a girl more than a few weeks. (of course skip going to the bar to meet someone part!)

You will find someone, and while it is frustrating at times, the last thing you want to do is what so many others do - rush into something. When you do find the right one, the wait will be worth it.

biminiblue

I would strongly suggest that you don't go delving into that negative side of life. The more time you allow yourself to indulge in this type of thinking, the more power you give it.

Change your view of life, and your life changes.

Hawks

The steps of AA treat just this kind of loneliness and disconnection.

I know your not a big fan, so "just saying "

If you wanna know what is on offer, google "9th step promises"

trachemys

After more examination, I want to disagree with the premise.

There is no desolation in life.

Don't you remember how wonderful life was before you grew up and took up bad habits. Every day was a holiday. Just being let out the door to explore the world was fantastic.

We lose the joy of life by destroying ourselves with booze.

Thepatman

You verbalized pretty much exactly what I am going trough.

I don't have anything to propose, I have not found my own answer.

The monastery thing came to my mind more than once.

biminiblue

Trach, I'd take it a little further. We destroy ourselves with believing that all there is to life is suffering, and not trying to look at what is good in life. I don't think I can blame alcohol or my upbringing or my poor relationship choices. I still have the option of seeing birds and flowers and happiness. It is a choice.

Pain is inevitable, in one way or another we all have pain in our lives. No one is dealt a Royal Flush. How we play the cards we are dealt is what makes the difference. If you've ever seen someone win the pot (in poker) with two sixes, you know how that works.

I've stopped blaming alcohol. That keeps me in victim mode.

Thepatman

I thing sobercomposer, if I read between the lines, is referring to the immense difficulty of finding a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex in sobriety.

People that are in relationships already, might not get it. But I do.
I tried to date, it turned out into a relapse. Why? Because I can't be around Alcohol. She was not a problem drinker, but just that one beer she drank in front of me made me collapse.

Sorry sobercomposer, i don't mean to crash your thread. I just feel very much like you.

LBrain

I could have written that same post - except that I have an awesome partner. But otherwise I see similarities in myself. Now saying that, I read Bimini's posts and have to agree wholeheartedly that life is what you make it. It looks good on paper. But sometimes we must force ourselves to crawl out of our shell - armor.

Let's not allow our surroundings and feelings dictate how we live. Let's make our life OUR life. Eventually someone will come into our life and it all starts to make sense. We can't always will that part of it.

SoberComposer

trachemys and biminiblue: I can see that because I have had so much hope since I have quit. I think I am just in a funk. I found out that I must move-on, career-wise, and realized that my lack of an advanced degree may very much limit my options to get a well-paying job so I can get a house and possibly even a family. I feel like I can't afford love and I think that has me feeling cynical. I am also working around a lot of people who are going to school, so I guess it makes me feel like I am being left-behind or sub-par. I just feel like I am done with school and would like to work and focus on life, love and maybe family. I very much appreciate your words and advice for hope! Thanks

Thepatman: I am sorry you are going through this too but it feels good that I am not the only one who feels this way. Hopefully we can manage our way through this phase and find some hope with rewards, soon. It's just crazy.. I am in my late thirties, worked hard and drank hard but don't feel like I have what an adult should have. What I should have. Anyway, I would have never noticed or did anything about this if I were still drinking. Maybe this is just the shock of sudden awareness that I am awaking to a reality, that I had created for myself, which I wouldn't have accepted if I had never escaped like I did. Now I have to accept this in the immediate and make a plan to overcome this. It feels overwhelming.

I am going to get a little workout in now. It's hard because I don't feel motivated but it always seems to help. Much love friends!

Thepatman

Have a great workout! I started weight lifting again this week after a 15 year retirement. It's great to rebuild out self confidence. Rock on

SoberComposer

That same thing happened to me a year ago when I had like 28 days sober. I'm in such a new place.. everything seems pretty intimidating. And friend, you certainly didn't crash the thread . Thanks for posting!

trachemys

YES! Happiness is a choice!

SereneEdition

Hi SC -

While uncomfortable, emotions are the brains way of motivating us to action. It sounds like you are in a good place to make some adjustments that will put you on a more fulfilling path.

One note on classes - they are a great way to meet people with similar interests and position you for new opportunities. If it calls to you, why not go for it?

biminiblue

I think One Day at a Time really applies here. You may not become President of the corporation - but you may! No way to look into the future, so the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, you know?

Soberpotamus

SoberComposer, I can relate in some ways to what you've said here. I too find myself wondering if graduate school and another degree might offer some fulfillment I find myself missing at times. Travel appeals to me as well. I'm married but my husband is fairly flexible about things... time will tell anyway

I think you're in a good place of questioning your values and what constitutes contentment, happiness, success, etc.

Anxiety and fear, I've found, are my defaults in situations where I am asking the big questions about life, and planning to make changes... it is easy to fall back into routine and old ways of doing things, but in retrospect, I see the goals I accomplished throughout my life I'm proudest of required me breaking out of my comfort zone and forging ahead