Al-Anon Says We Have No Control, Yet Control Is What Helped Me Get Sober
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Al-Anon Says We Have No Control, Yet Control Is What Helped Me Get Sober
I accidentally posted this thread in another forum, but I meant to post in this forum:
I understand that one of the 3 C's is that we cannot control another's alcoholism. When I was drinking several months ago and my family finally found out, it was their fear, dread and apprehension that was a final straw in my decision to get sober. I felt so sorry for them and did not want to worry them, as I knew they would be rightfully worried since I am an addict. Them finding out about my drinking and communicating to me was the final straw that helped me decide to get sober. This iswhy I don't necessarily agree that other people cannot get someone to stop drinking. If they would have never found out, I probably would still be drinking, but I just could not do that to them.
I now realize how smart it was for me to get sober now that I am 40 plus days into my sobriety, and am doing it also for myself. But it was their intervention and worry that was a catalyst to everything. They have done so much for me that I just could not continue to self destruct and put them through so much pain.
I understand that one of the 3 C's is that we cannot control another's alcoholism. When I was drinking several months ago and my family finally found out, it was their fear, dread and apprehension that was a final straw in my decision to get sober. I felt so sorry for them and did not want to worry them, as I knew they would be rightfully worried since I am an addict. Them finding out about my drinking and communicating to me was the final straw that helped me decide to get sober. This iswhy I don't necessarily agree that other people cannot get someone to stop drinking. If they would have never found out, I probably would still be drinking, but I just could not do that to them.
I now realize how smart it was for me to get sober now that I am 40 plus days into my sobriety, and am doing it also for myself. But it was their intervention and worry that was a catalyst to everything. They have done so much for me that I just could not continue to self destruct and put them through so much pain.
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Good morning, Justbreathe!
Congratulations on your 40 plus days!!!!!! That really is fantastic news and worth celebrating
Most of us are worried, fearful, and anxious over our loved ones when they drink. I'm glad that when your family expressed these concerns to you, that it was your turning point and the catalyst for your recovery.
The overwhelming reality and sadness for most of us, however, is that our fears and our concerns over the health of our alcoholic loved ones has made absolutely no difference in their drinking behavior.
My husband and I love his son very much. He is an alcoholic, crack addict, and, well, poly-substance abuser. We have encouraged him to get help, we have arranged for him to go to rehab (which he went and still drank again afterward), we have made appointments for him to see the best addictions counselor in our town (for which he failed to appear), and he has attended Intensive Outpatient Therapy to no avail. He absolutely knows how much we fear for his life and his health. We tell him every chance we have how much we love him--and yet he drinks. We hope and pray that something, someday will be his turning point.
I think our experience is sadly not uncommon in this community or among those who attend Al-Anon.
I do hope and pray that your recovery will be the example and 'lure' for your husband to seek recovery for himself.
Congratulations on your 40 plus days!!!!!! That really is fantastic news and worth celebrating
Most of us are worried, fearful, and anxious over our loved ones when they drink. I'm glad that when your family expressed these concerns to you, that it was your turning point and the catalyst for your recovery.
The overwhelming reality and sadness for most of us, however, is that our fears and our concerns over the health of our alcoholic loved ones has made absolutely no difference in their drinking behavior.
My husband and I love his son very much. He is an alcoholic, crack addict, and, well, poly-substance abuser. We have encouraged him to get help, we have arranged for him to go to rehab (which he went and still drank again afterward), we have made appointments for him to see the best addictions counselor in our town (for which he failed to appear), and he has attended Intensive Outpatient Therapy to no avail. He absolutely knows how much we fear for his life and his health. We tell him every chance we have how much we love him--and yet he drinks. We hope and pray that something, someday will be his turning point.
I think our experience is sadly not uncommon in this community or among those who attend Al-Anon.
I do hope and pray that your recovery will be the example and 'lure' for your husband to seek recovery for himself.
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I think you are misunderstanding. Though your family expressed fear and concern regarding your drinking they didn't didn't "control" it. They didn't tell you where, when or how much you could drink. That is controlling. They also didn't "cause" your drinking or "cure" it. You made the decision to stop after they expressed their fear. That is a great and wonderful thing. But, I will say that my family expressed the same and it had no influence over me. I stopped when I hit bottom
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Trust me, Jb, it wasn't JUST their expressed concern. On some level you knew you needed help and that you needed to stop drinking. If you hadn't been ready to quit for your own sake, their love and concern might have upset you or made you determined to try harder to "control" your drinking, but it wouldn't have made you determined to give it up for good.
I had a fairly "high bottom" as alcoholics go. I had quite a few close calls with bad things happening (and a few relatively minor bad things happening), had been talked to by my boss (who expressed concern), but the day I went into work and experienced such bad withdrawals that someone had to drive me home was the day I said, "I can't do this anymore." So people are at different levels of readiness. It didn't take that much to push me once I was ready (I had been struggling to control my drinking for about four years before that happened), but earlier it would not have been enough to stop me.
I had a fairly "high bottom" as alcoholics go. I had quite a few close calls with bad things happening (and a few relatively minor bad things happening), had been talked to by my boss (who expressed concern), but the day I went into work and experienced such bad withdrawals that someone had to drive me home was the day I said, "I can't do this anymore." So people are at different levels of readiness. It didn't take that much to push me once I was ready (I had been struggling to control my drinking for about four years before that happened), but earlier it would not have been enough to stop me.
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Justbreathe1980....early on, several concepts are hard to wrap ones brain around, I think.
Concepts like "boundaries", "detachment", "quacking", "control"......
And, it does spur a lot of spirited discussions......
That is t-totally o.k........ I think that this is one of the purposes of the forum...a place to l earn....
dandylion
Concepts like "boundaries", "detachment", "quacking", "control"......
And, it does spur a lot of spirited discussions......
That is t-totally o.k........ I think that this is one of the purposes of the forum...a place to l earn....
dandylion
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Justbreathe, if you search the internet for SMART Recovery CRAFT, you will find information on the Community Reinforcement Approach & Family Training program. It is also for Friends and Family members who have a loved one struggling with addiction.
I hope you find some information there that will help you.
I hope you find some information there that will help you.
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Concern, yes. Influence because you loved them, yes.
BUT, now that you are starting your sobriety journey, do they nag you about it? Check up on your attending meetings? I am willing to bet the answer is no. Control and influence as a result of loving someone are different things.
Also, as the alcoholic, your first step was admitting you had no control over alcohol and learning to take back control of you by avoiding the alcohol right? Well, as a codependant, the first step is admitting you have no control over anyone else and regaining control of your own life
However, given how much you are battling with, maybe its enough to just focus on your sobriety and continuing to do the fantastic job you are. Perhaps now is not the time to worry about your partner's sobriety or your influence/control over him? Maybe this might not be the right time in your life yet to address codependency? Have you talked to your sponsor about it, what does she think?
40 days is early, but so so great that you are doing so well with it so far.
BUT, now that you are starting your sobriety journey, do they nag you about it? Check up on your attending meetings? I am willing to bet the answer is no. Control and influence as a result of loving someone are different things.
Also, as the alcoholic, your first step was admitting you had no control over alcohol and learning to take back control of you by avoiding the alcohol right? Well, as a codependant, the first step is admitting you have no control over anyone else and regaining control of your own life
However, given how much you are battling with, maybe its enough to just focus on your sobriety and continuing to do the fantastic job you are. Perhaps now is not the time to worry about your partner's sobriety or your influence/control over him? Maybe this might not be the right time in your life yet to address codependency? Have you talked to your sponsor about it, what does she think?
40 days is early, but so so great that you are doing so well with it so far.
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Originally Posted by Seren 
Good morning, Justbreathe!
Congratulations on your 40 plus days!!!!!! That really is fantastic news and worth celebrating
Most of us are worried, fearful, and anxious over our loved ones when they drink. I'm glad that when your family expressed these concerns to you, that it was your turning point and the catalyst for your recovery.
The overwhelming reality and sadness for most of us, however, is that our fears and our concerns over the health of our alcoholic loved ones has made absolutely no difference in their drinking behavior.
My husband and I love his son very much. He is an alcoholic, crack addict, and, well, poly-substance abuser. We have encouraged him to get help, we have arranged for him to go to rehab (which he went and still drank again afterward), we have made appointments for him to see the best addictions counselor in our town (for which he failed to appear), and he has attended Intensive Outpatient Therapy to no avail. He absolutely knows how much we fear for his life and his health. We tell him every chance we have how much we love him--and yet he drinks. We hope and pray that something, someday will be his turning point.
I think our experience is sadly not uncommon in this community or among those who attend Al-Anon.
I do hope and pray that your recovery will be the example and 'lure' for your husband to seek recovery for himself.
Congratulations on your 40 plus days!!!!!! That really is fantastic news and worth celebrating
Most of us are worried, fearful, and anxious over our loved ones when they drink. I'm glad that when your family expressed these concerns to you, that it was your turning point and the catalyst for your recovery.
The overwhelming reality and sadness for most of us, however, is that our fears and our concerns over the health of our alcoholic loved ones has made absolutely no difference in their drinking behavior.
My husband and I love his son very much. He is an alcoholic, crack addict, and, well, poly-substance abuser. We have encouraged him to get help, we have arranged for him to go to rehab (which he went and still drank again afterward), we have made appointments for him to see the best addictions counselor in our town (for which he failed to appear), and he has attended Intensive Outpatient Therapy to no avail. He absolutely knows how much we fear for his life and his health. We tell him every chance we have how much we love him--and yet he drinks. We hope and pray that something, someday will be his turning point.
I think our experience is sadly not uncommon in this community or among those who attend Al-Anon.
I do hope and pray that your recovery will be the example and 'lure' for your husband to seek recovery for himself.
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Originally Posted by happybeingme
I think you are misunderstanding. Though your family expressed fear and concern regarding your drinking they didn't didn't "control" it. They didn't tell you where, when or how much you could drink. That is controlling. They also didn't "cause" your drinking or "cure" it. You made the decision to stop after they expressed their fear. That is a great and wonderful thing. But, I will say that my family expressed the same and it had no influence over me. I stopped when I hit bottom
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Trust me, Jb, it wasn't JUST their expressed concern. On some level you knew you needed help and that you needed to stop drinking. If you hadn't been ready to quit for your own sake, their love and concern might have upset you or made you determined to try harder to "control" your drinking, but it wouldn't have made you determined to give it up for good.
I had a fairly "high bottom" as alcoholics go. I had quite a few close calls with bad things happening (and a few relatively minor bad things happening), had been talked to by my boss (who expressed concern), but the day I went into work and experienced such bad withdrawals that someone had to drive me home was the day I said, "I can't do this anymore." So people are at different levels of readiness. It didn't take that much to push me once I was ready (I had been struggling to control my drinking for about four years before that happened), but earlier it would not have been enough to stop me.
I had a fairly "high bottom" as alcoholics go. I had quite a few close calls with bad things happening (and a few relatively minor bad things happening), had been talked to by my boss (who expressed concern), but the day I went into work and experienced such bad withdrawals that someone had to drive me home was the day I said, "I can't do this anymore." So people are at different levels of readiness. It didn't take that much to push me once I was ready (I had been struggling to control my drinking for about four years before that happened), but earlier it would not have been enough to stop me.
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Yeah, I always said it helps to have a low terror threshold. For me, having bad work-related consequences (and a DUI could have cost me my career and pension, effectively wiping out decades of hard work) was a huge HUGE fear that I had. So when those close calls seemed to be getting too close to ignore, it didn't take much for me to say, OK, I tried, couldn't do it on my own, this is a freakin' EMERGENCY.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
JB, you might want to check out the Secular Forum as they discuss programs that come from the belief that loved ones CAN induce change and you might get more the answers you seem to want.
Just as I believe I have a bit more control over not drinking than AA suggests, but I am still part of the program. For example, I don't believe there are times I have no mental defense against the first drink and that I need the help of a higher power during those times. But I still like the Big Book and the program and still attend.
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Justbreathe-
I struggled a lot with Al-Anon when I first started (and still do at times). Often it had little to do with the program and more my "confusion" over some of their terminology wording and phrases.
Some of that confusion was part of my dis-ease, some of it was things that after working through them is a "take what you like and leave the rest."
In either case though I really did have to sit with them and talk them through. With other Al-anon members maybe? I brought some of my questions up as topics for meetings. In other instances I am fortunate because my therapist is well versed in the program (both sides) and we would talk them through.
In the case of step one on the side of Al-anon I had a lot of confusion and much of it came down to control. My definition of control was pretty warped and it was just such questioning as you are doing now that helped me to see how warped it was (and how much I was suffering because of it). I am not trying to say you are confused at all, more that I had a lot of sticky points with Al-Anon, and asking those questions and working them through has helped my recovery immensely.
My question for you is this. How do you see step 1 on the AA side of your recovery? How do you see it on the Al-Anon side? Though the same step when I worked them as an addict (eating disorder) vs Al-Anon I got some different answers and it was a good exercise for me to get things figured out.
I struggled a lot with Al-Anon when I first started (and still do at times). Often it had little to do with the program and more my "confusion" over some of their terminology wording and phrases.
Some of that confusion was part of my dis-ease, some of it was things that after working through them is a "take what you like and leave the rest."
In either case though I really did have to sit with them and talk them through. With other Al-anon members maybe? I brought some of my questions up as topics for meetings. In other instances I am fortunate because my therapist is well versed in the program (both sides) and we would talk them through.
In the case of step one on the side of Al-anon I had a lot of confusion and much of it came down to control. My definition of control was pretty warped and it was just such questioning as you are doing now that helped me to see how warped it was (and how much I was suffering because of it). I am not trying to say you are confused at all, more that I had a lot of sticky points with Al-Anon, and asking those questions and working them through has helped my recovery immensely.
My question for you is this. How do you see step 1 on the AA side of your recovery? How do you see it on the Al-Anon side? Though the same step when I worked them as an addict (eating disorder) vs Al-Anon I got some different answers and it was a good exercise for me to get things figured out.
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JB- you are still missing the point. They expressed their concern and shared their opinion. That is not control. My husband controlled mine for a while. He bought the beer and kept it in his car. Gave me my allotment every day when he got home. I went along with it because I knew it wouldn't last forever. It didn't. He eventually got tired of it asked me to pick it up one day and that was it. I was right back where I started. That's control and it doesn't work.
I personally think your husband will drink again sooner rather than later or he will become a useless pothead. It is just a matter of time before he gets caught on the job stoned or gets involved in a work place accident where they will test him and he will get fired
I personally think your husband will drink again sooner rather than later or he will become a useless pothead. It is just a matter of time before he gets caught on the job stoned or gets involved in a work place accident where they will test him and he will get fired
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I think what I am reading in JB's post is, she made the decision to stop drinking and needed no further outside program to stop or keep her on track. Some can in fact take upon themselves to simply know that they need to stop and live better. She recognized that SHE can make the choice. She just didn't feel the need until the light bulb went off. Once it did, she steered herself back to sobriety.
And hopefully at 40+ days her brain and body are weaned from the effects of the drugs and she is thinking with fuller capacity now.
Good for you JB.
And hopefully at 40+ days her brain and body are weaned from the effects of the drugs and she is thinking with fuller capacity now.
Good for you JB.
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Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
I think what I am reading in JB's post is, she made the decision to stop drinking and needed no further outside program to stop or keep her on track.
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Originally Posted by shil2587
Concern, yes. Influence because you loved them, yes.
BUT, now that you are starting your sobriety journey, do they nag you about it? Check up on your attending meetings? I am willing to bet the answer is no. Control and influence as a result of loving someone are different things.
Also, as the alcoholic, your first step was admitting you had no control over alcohol and learning to take back control of you by avoiding the alcohol right? Well, as a codependant, the first step is admitting you have no control over anyone else and regaining control of your own life
However, given how much you are battling with, maybe its enough to just focus on your sobriety and continuing to do the fantastic job you are. Perhaps now is not the time to worry about your partner's sobriety or your influence/control over him? Maybe this might not be the right time in your life yet to address codependency? Have you talked to your sponsor about it, what does she think?
40 days is early, but so so great that you are doing so well with it so far.
BUT, now that you are starting your sobriety journey, do they nag you about it? Check up on your attending meetings? I am willing to bet the answer is no. Control and influence as a result of loving someone are different things.
Also, as the alcoholic, your first step was admitting you had no control over alcohol and learning to take back control of you by avoiding the alcohol right? Well, as a codependant, the first step is admitting you have no control over anyone else and regaining control of your own life
However, given how much you are battling with, maybe its enough to just focus on your sobriety and continuing to do the fantastic job you are. Perhaps now is not the time to worry about your partner's sobriety or your influence/control over him? Maybe this might not be the right time in your life yet to address codependency? Have you talked to your sponsor about it, what does she think?
40 days is early, but so so great that you are doing so well with it so far.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Justbreathe-
I struggled a lot with Al-Anon when I first started (and still do at times). Often it had little to do with the program and more my "confusion" over some of their terminology wording and phrases.
Some of that confusion was part of my dis-ease, some of it was things that after working through them is a "take what you like and leave the rest."
In either case though I really did have to sit with them and talk them through. With other Al-anon members maybe? I brought some of my questions up as topics for meetings. In other instances I am fortunate because my therapist is well versed in the program (both sides) and we would talk them through.
In the case of step one on the side of Al-anon I had a lot of confusion and much of it came down to control. My definition of control was pretty warped and it was just such questioning as you are doing now that helped me to see how warped it was (and how much I was suffering because of it). I am not trying to say you are confused at all, more that I had a lot of sticky points with Al-Anon, and asking those questions and working them through has helped my recovery immensely.
My question for you is this. How do you see step 1 on the AA side of your recovery? How do you see it on the Al-Anon side? Though the same step when I worked them as an addict (eating disorder) vs Al-Anon I got some different answers and it was a good exercise for me to get things figured out.
I struggled a lot with Al-Anon when I first started (and still do at times). Often it had little to do with the program and more my "confusion" over some of their terminology wording and phrases.
Some of that confusion was part of my dis-ease, some of it was things that after working through them is a "take what you like and leave the rest."
In either case though I really did have to sit with them and talk them through. With other Al-anon members maybe? I brought some of my questions up as topics for meetings. In other instances I am fortunate because my therapist is well versed in the program (both sides) and we would talk them through.
In the case of step one on the side of Al-anon I had a lot of confusion and much of it came down to control. My definition of control was pretty warped and it was just such questioning as you are doing now that helped me to see how warped it was (and how much I was suffering because of it). I am not trying to say you are confused at all, more that I had a lot of sticky points with Al-Anon, and asking those questions and working them through has helped my recovery immensely.
My question for you is this. How do you see step 1 on the AA side of your recovery? How do you see it on the Al-Anon side? Though the same step when I worked them as an addict (eating disorder) vs Al-Anon I got some different answers and it was a good exercise for me to get things figured out.
I have not started the steps in Al-Anon yet. But it would involve how my husband is powerless over alcohol, and how I am powerless over whether or not he drinks. I guess what I am saying is that I just believe there are things I can do that can help him have a greater chance at staying sober.
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