SDH73

Back on day 2 now. I thought I was doing okay, but an old girlfriend contacted me on Sunday and it just set me off.

She wanted to talk about the fact that she's working toward her PhD. That's good news, however I think she still harbors resentment about some things I said to her years ago when I was drunk. Things of the "don't bother, you'll never amount to anything" variety. Very ashamed about that.

Anyway, I know that's just an excuse. Having to face my mean-spirited past head on was too much for me.

Haven't been on here in a few days, so just wanted to check in. Getting back on track, but definitely paying the price for my relapse. Feel like crap and my apartment is a disaster. My classwork was completely skipped and now I don't think there is enough time left in the semester to get it all done. Might have to suck on a couple of "F"s. Such a stupid and unnecessary relapse.

brynn

Glad to see you back!

Nuudawn

SDH...so glad you're back.
You got triggered and walloped by a shame storm. When that happens..it's a real good idea to talk about it to someone....right here on SR is kind of nice cuz it's anonymous and open 24/7.

Otherwise...we go and apply the same ole same ole broken down bandaid - all by our lonesomes...right?

SDH73

Thanks! Feeling pretty rotten about the whole mess.

Jsbodhi

Oh! My school work was suffering too! I actually drank the night before an exam! Wtf was I thinking!
You can do this, and I've also said horrible things when I drink....horrible things

biminiblue

I had to stop beating myself up for perceived wrongs I did. There were plenty done "to" me, as well. The past is over, I can't unring the bell. Continuing to feel bad about it serves no one.

I also don't keep in touch with old loves, but maybe you owe an apology to this woman? It could help you move on. Why did she call?

SDH73

Yes, I definitely mistreated her toward the end. I think I was bitter and feeling hopeless while she was moving forward to grad school. I don't think I'm inherently a bad person, but I did get pretty ugly there.

Schoolwork? Yes, I'm going to try and get caught up though at this point it seems pretty hopeless. I suppose If I have to retake those classes it wouldn't be the worst thing. At least I already have the textbooks!

Jsbodhi

I like your attitude, I was thinking the same thing at one point, "looks like I'll be doing this semester again...." But I didn't have to, I just worked day and night and got it done with an A-. So it is possible.

SDH73

I have apologized to her, but maybe it's time to really lay it out there. We've been in contact off and on for the last few years, but I tried to sort of "cut her out" by changing my phone number. I think with all the drinking I've done I was never really able to get over her. And she would text me for advice on her boyfriends. I stayed friends with her on FB, though, and she requested my new phone number.

She contacted me to tell me she had moved and was working toward her PhD, and also something else that I won't discuss here but it was pretty bad. Didn't seem nice to not lend her my ear at her time of need.

I don't know. She knows (obviously) that I have a drinking problem. Maybe I could tell I'm working on that. Maybe she'd be supportive and this could be a mutually beneficial friendship?

Thought? Comments?

Jsbodhi

I'd tell her you're off the drink, a lot of people in my life were really happy to hear that! I mean everyone was happy to hear that...
But honestly, I'd try to focus on getting your school work done and worry about her after.

SDH73

Yes, Jsbodhi. I'm not throwing in the towel, but I have to log in about 60 hours of online classwork. There is NOT 60 hours of classwork to do. This has to be done by midnight Sunday and I'm working all weekend.

All I had to do this past week was stay online and logged in and I'd be in a much better position. I don't think I'll be doing online courses anymore. It's been a pain the whole semester.

Nuudawn

Hmmm....kind of a lot to sort out whilst trying to sort out sobriety. If you are going to continue a relationship of any sort (with her ..or anyone really)..rigorous and authentic honesty is required. If you are not going to tell her you are working on sobriety, than why continue the relationship at all?

SDH73

You're right, Nuudawn. Honesty is important.

Frixion

I ruined this semester drinking every night. I was either hung over in class or would skip it all together. My place was also a mess and my whole life was "unmanageable". I accepted that this semester was flushed down to drain. I was past the point on no return. That's when I decided to get sober (on day 11 now), this is how I knew I could create a better future and properly pursue my education.

Just accept that your past is something you cannot change. It might be the time to do some damage control. I would not be so bold to tell you what to do, but I think considering telling this woman you are an the journey to sobriety might offer you both some closure.

Btw congratulations on getting back on the correct track! That is a very difficult thing to do!

SDH73

Yes, Frixion. Since we lived together for years and she got to watch my transformation first-hand it might be nice to let her know that I'm quitting. I think we could probably both use some closure from our past.

At the moment I'm thinking that this is just a casual texting type of thing with her, so I'm not inclined to offer up that kind of unsolicited news about my life, but if she asks (she has in the past asked me if I was still drinking) I guess I'll tell her.

biminiblue

I have to say, this sounds more about her stroking her own ego at this point.

You say you tried to go no contact with her, but she pursued, and specifically asked you for help with new boyfriends? See, this is why I don't keep in touch with old loves. There is no reason for you to play this role. She doesn't need to be rescued, but for whatever reason you feel guilty and feel you have to "be there for her."

I don't become someone's "therapist" when I've moved on. I don't keep up with their lives, I don't stalk them on FB. We split for a reason. Have a nice life, leave me out of it. She will solve her problems. I hope you can get over her or she will keep yanking your strings. The best way I've found to get over someone is not to talk to them.

I do my apologies at breakup time, and that's it. No contact.

biminiblue

...and it certainly isn't casual texting if it led you to drink.

SDH73

Bimini, I was kind of thinking that, too. I don't want to try and interpret her thoughts on the matter because I'm not sure I know her motives. Kind of felt like she used bad news as an excuse to reach me, then incidentally "Oh, I'm getting my PhD. What are YOU up to?"

Which is kind of a twofold shame. She's doing so much better than I ever gave her credit for, and I JUST finished my undergrad work.

Anyway, I don't want to invite poison into my life, or let her pull my strings. It is hard, though to say "enough."

SDH73

I know I need to just focus on myself right now, and not compare where I am to where others are. All I can do is my best.

biminiblue

Why is it hard to say, "enough"?

Do you secretly hope for a hookup sometime? Do you think she needs a friend - and you are flattered to be the chosen one? Do you like feeling needed? Is it nice to give advice?

I don't know. I can't see how this is benefitting you at this time. If old feelings about her are so strong that they caused you to drink - you need to examine those feelings deeply. That's why I'm asking you the questions.

I don't do well getting blindsided by exes. When they do contact me, I don't reciprocate. I block them from access. If we had to break up, there was something very wrong about our relationship.

We broke up for a reason.