Is this common?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2
Is this common?
Hi all, I really just wanted to understand what is going on as I am reaching the ends of my tether:
I have a long time gf who about every 4 days goes on a white wine binge. When she has this her personality completely changes and she often gets verbally very aggressive, ringing and email people with abusive messages.
Its like this day 1: gets drunk, day 2: hangover, day 3: do normal stuff, day 4: starts getting irritated with things then goes and gets bottles of white wine.
My way of dealing with this is trying not to be around her when she does this. She has been to Addaction, counselling and I supported her through this, but she hasn't stuck them. She has also targeted me with some of this abuse, and it used to not affect me, but recently it has sparked off depression in me so I decided I had to move out and have found myself accommodation.
When not drinking she can be very nice but does seem to become obsessive about cleanliness and home security. What is unsettling is that some seemingly harmless issue seems to become embedded in her brain and then when she has wine it all comes out in this incoherent drunken rant.
Its almost like a bipolar condition I guess. She used to spend the next day apologising to people, and saying she wishes she could stop. But recently she has become defensive about the wine and stopped seeing it as a problem.
I have been trying to discuss normal relationship issues with her, but when I try and talk about them she says they wind her up and she refuses to talk about them - her wine consumption being on the list.
So I have agreed not to talk about them and responded by saying that we should both have a list of things not to talk about then, but this doesn't feel like the right way to me.
What I would like to know is if anyone else has experienced this pattern of behaviour in a partner, who when sober being over controlling, sometimes loving and when drunk, often abusive.
And if so how did it end? Also any advice on best way to handle this, though I am afraid the only way she will stop drinking is for medical reasons brought on by the alcohol.
Many thanks for peoples time.
I have a long time gf who about every 4 days goes on a white wine binge. When she has this her personality completely changes and she often gets verbally very aggressive, ringing and email people with abusive messages.
Its like this day 1: gets drunk, day 2: hangover, day 3: do normal stuff, day 4: starts getting irritated with things then goes and gets bottles of white wine.
My way of dealing with this is trying not to be around her when she does this. She has been to Addaction, counselling and I supported her through this, but she hasn't stuck them. She has also targeted me with some of this abuse, and it used to not affect me, but recently it has sparked off depression in me so I decided I had to move out and have found myself accommodation.
When not drinking she can be very nice but does seem to become obsessive about cleanliness and home security. What is unsettling is that some seemingly harmless issue seems to become embedded in her brain and then when she has wine it all comes out in this incoherent drunken rant.
Its almost like a bipolar condition I guess. She used to spend the next day apologising to people, and saying she wishes she could stop. But recently she has become defensive about the wine and stopped seeing it as a problem.
I have been trying to discuss normal relationship issues with her, but when I try and talk about them she says they wind her up and she refuses to talk about them - her wine consumption being on the list.
So I have agreed not to talk about them and responded by saying that we should both have a list of things not to talk about then, but this doesn't feel like the right way to me.
What I would like to know is if anyone else has experienced this pattern of behaviour in a partner, who when sober being over controlling, sometimes loving and when drunk, often abusive.
And if so how did it end? Also any advice on best way to handle this, though I am afraid the only way she will stop drinking is for medical reasons brought on by the alcohol.
Many thanks for peoples time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi seacoast and welcome to SR. We're glad you're here, though sorry you are in a situation that compelled you to come looking.
I had an ex-boyfriend like that. I spent several months trying to figure out the whys and wherefores surrounding his drinking, trying to apply rationale and logic to someone who did not behave in a rational or logical way, trying to talk about things and being shut down a lot. In the end, I had to accept him as he was and decide if that's what I wanted out of a relationship. I had to accept that I could not 'change' him into being the boyfriend I wanted and deserved. I had to accept that our relationship was over and it was time to move on.
Not saying you can or should come to the same conclusion. But I spent a lot of time trying to fix a relationship with someone who liked it just as it was, and I don't consider that time well spent. He may have been the one with the drinking problem, but I was the one with the relationship problem.
It may be that medical reasons convince her to stop drinking. It may not. It may be that not-drinking allows her to be a more communicative partner. It may not. The best we can ever do is focus on ourselves, what we want and what we are willing to accept, and make the best decisions we can about how we want to live OUR life. We have to leave others to do the same. Sending you strength and clarity.
I had an ex-boyfriend like that. I spent several months trying to figure out the whys and wherefores surrounding his drinking, trying to apply rationale and logic to someone who did not behave in a rational or logical way, trying to talk about things and being shut down a lot. In the end, I had to accept him as he was and decide if that's what I wanted out of a relationship. I had to accept that I could not 'change' him into being the boyfriend I wanted and deserved. I had to accept that our relationship was over and it was time to move on.
Not saying you can or should come to the same conclusion. But I spent a lot of time trying to fix a relationship with someone who liked it just as it was, and I don't consider that time well spent. He may have been the one with the drinking problem, but I was the one with the relationship problem.
It may be that medical reasons convince her to stop drinking. It may not. It may be that not-drinking allows her to be a more communicative partner. It may not. The best we can ever do is focus on ourselves, what we want and what we are willing to accept, and make the best decisions we can about how we want to live OUR life. We have to leave others to do the same. Sending you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
May i ask, exactly what do you see in this woman?
You have moved out because of her unacceptable behavior and choices, yet you remain in contact with her. I can assure you, you will continue to treated exactly as you are currently being treated. Nothing is changing.
How does it end, you ask ? You simply move on............ ( remember, you did move out for a reason) This woman is currently not available to be in a healthy, stable, loving, committed relationship. Only you can decide how much more of you to invest in this unstable situation.
I have learned, when someone shows you who they truly are, best to believe them. The choice remains yours.
You have moved out because of her unacceptable behavior and choices, yet you remain in contact with her. I can assure you, you will continue to treated exactly as you are currently being treated. Nothing is changing.
How does it end, you ask ? You simply move on............ ( remember, you did move out for a reason) This woman is currently not available to be in a healthy, stable, loving, committed relationship. Only you can decide how much more of you to invest in this unstable situation.
I have learned, when someone shows you who they truly are, best to believe them. The choice remains yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
You shouldn't have to have a list that dictates what you can, and can't, talk about. That is completely unfair to you and leaves her open to pretty much do what she wants without being accountable for her actions. Which is every alcoholics dream. This sounds exactly like my relationship with my ex ABF. I got fed up and walked away 3 months ago. He's still drinking & his life continues to spiral out of control. Losing custody and visitation with his kids hasn't stopped him. His many health related issues caused by his drinking hasn't stopped him. There's nothing you can do about her drinking, you can only take care of yourself. You deserve better. I'm sorry, this probably isn't what you want to hear, but it's the reality of being with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi and welcome!
Yep. A little like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But just like in the book, the Mr. Hyde character took over more and more over time as the drinking got worse and alcoholism progressed.
I applaud your decision to move out -- there is no reason for anyone to put themselves in the way of abusive behavior.
I think any time someone gets defensive about their alcohol consumption, it's a warning flag. And when someone's behavior gets abusive when they drink, and they don't see that warning sign but continue drinking, that's another one.
You didn't cause her drinking. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. The only way an addict gets out of addiction is by realizing they want to quit and acting on it. You said you think a medical emergency is the only thing that could get her to quit. I'd say don't bet on it. My ex lost his family, his job, his standing in the community, his home, and he's still drinking. He did one stint in rehab but has only been sober for four months out of the past 40 years.
What helped me when I was married to him -- and after I left -- was learning about alcoholism. No, you can't ever completely understand how an addict thinks or functions, but it helped me to understand the nature of the disease. More important was what I learned about myself as relates to the alcoholic and his habits. How his drinking affected me, how my attempts at getting him to stop affected me, how I developed unhealthy thinking and acting patterns in response to his drinking.
I went to Al-Anon meetings. There, I met other people in similar situations, people who understood my situation and knew what to say. I learned how to live with an alcoholic in active addiction without getting too crazy myself, and I built strength to decide that I didn't want that in my life anymore.
I think the bottom line is -- you can't have the Jekyll without the Hyde. Your GF is both. And unless she determines to seek sobriety and recovery for herself, this is as good as it's ever going to get. If she keeps drinking, it's all downhill from here. More Hyde.
Depressing? It is. But my experience is that you can't get an alcoholic sober. They have to choose it for themselves.
What I would like to know is if anyone else has experienced this pattern of behaviour in a partner, who when sober being over controlling, sometimes loving and when drunk, often abusive.
I applaud your decision to move out -- there is no reason for anyone to put themselves in the way of abusive behavior.
I think any time someone gets defensive about their alcohol consumption, it's a warning flag. And when someone's behavior gets abusive when they drink, and they don't see that warning sign but continue drinking, that's another one.
You didn't cause her drinking. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. The only way an addict gets out of addiction is by realizing they want to quit and acting on it. You said you think a medical emergency is the only thing that could get her to quit. I'd say don't bet on it. My ex lost his family, his job, his standing in the community, his home, and he's still drinking. He did one stint in rehab but has only been sober for four months out of the past 40 years.
What helped me when I was married to him -- and after I left -- was learning about alcoholism. No, you can't ever completely understand how an addict thinks or functions, but it helped me to understand the nature of the disease. More important was what I learned about myself as relates to the alcoholic and his habits. How his drinking affected me, how my attempts at getting him to stop affected me, how I developed unhealthy thinking and acting patterns in response to his drinking.
I went to Al-Anon meetings. There, I met other people in similar situations, people who understood my situation and knew what to say. I learned how to live with an alcoholic in active addiction without getting too crazy myself, and I built strength to decide that I didn't want that in my life anymore.
I think the bottom line is -- you can't have the Jekyll without the Hyde. Your GF is both. And unless she determines to seek sobriety and recovery for herself, this is as good as it's ever going to get. If she keeps drinking, it's all downhill from here. More Hyde.
Depressing? It is. But my experience is that you can't get an alcoholic sober. They have to choose it for themselves.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
So sorry you're going through all of that. It's an awful mess when one is involved with an alcoholic. You said something very positive in that you moved out because of how her behaviors associated with addiction made you feel. So many of us become paralyzed and unable to make a change that is healthier for us.
If she doesn't want to talk about the relationship you two have together, then you may have to move on from that too because that signals you don't have one anyway. She doesn't sound ready to face anything regarding her habit. Not facing it, not addressing it, not working a program means she isn't admitting anything and doesn't want recovery. Best to stay out of her way so you don't get hurt.
Hugs...I know its so hard.
If she doesn't want to talk about the relationship you two have together, then you may have to move on from that too because that signals you don't have one anyway. She doesn't sound ready to face anything regarding her habit. Not facing it, not addressing it, not working a program means she isn't admitting anything and doesn't want recovery. Best to stay out of her way so you don't get hurt.
Hugs...I know its so hard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Welcome to the club. After I sought professional counseling for depression among other things, I learned about detachment. And I'm really good at it. This finally pushed my AGF into realizing I was done with her and this and so when the plane is on fire, the wings are torn off and its headed for the ground she throws out the "I'm an Alcoholic and need help" parachute.
So to support her recovery in AA I went to Al Anon. Mostly because she badgered me into going. I was already detached and emotionally done, but I will admit Al Anon helped me see that she was not unique. She was a textbook alcoholic and I had a room full of victims like us. It helped a lot to have a place to go and unload for a few weeks. Then essentially you learn to detach, which I already had. So I found this site and was like OK lets see if anything here changes my outlook. It pretty much hasn't. I just get further confirmation that this could be misery for life or not, but anything you thought you can expect in a partner can no longer. There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone and expect them to have standards to live by. Mutual foundational beliefs that are shared. All of that goes out the window when they start drinking. And you will learn in step 1, alcohol is bigger than us and your life will be unmanageable as long as it is present.
So I went away for T'Giving, like I do every year. So I get home. My g/f is pissed. I figured as usual it was pissed at me. So I just hunker down and wait for the onslaught. Calm relaxed, let the battle come to me. As usual she had a crummy holiday filled with dramas. So I had read that book many times. But now there is a new twist.
She had a bad time and called her sponsor. I have not nor will ever meet her sponsor. This doesn't bother me. Her sponsor will either figure out my g/f or she won't. All I know is that my g/f picked her because she was tough, had zero tolerance and was 18 years sober. My g/f loved her....until that weekend.
From what I gathered, she and her sponsor have broken off their relationship. As delicately as possible I asked why.......dreading asking this.......
My AGF said Penny was on my ass about not doing my work. Specifically Step 4. She apparently resisted Penny saying, she didn't like being pressed to have a schedule over this. (Gosh does this sound familiar). I don't know what else was said but apparently my AGF's temper reared itself and Penny said, she was done. I didn't ask if she drank, I don't even care anymore. As long as I'm not around the consequence when she is.
I see no hope that this will right itself in a reasonable period of time for me. I don't wish my g/f any ill will, I'm just tired of it.
I am taking a position out of state and that will hopefully be solid by the new year. I am already packing up boxes and hiding them in a storage unit. The final push I will hire a crew to come in and finish the rest in a day.
We don't share finances, we are not married, there are no children. So its actually pretty straight forward.
Reach out to folks here and in any other venue you can find. They are good people going through the same things you are.
So to support her recovery in AA I went to Al Anon. Mostly because she badgered me into going. I was already detached and emotionally done, but I will admit Al Anon helped me see that she was not unique. She was a textbook alcoholic and I had a room full of victims like us. It helped a lot to have a place to go and unload for a few weeks. Then essentially you learn to detach, which I already had. So I found this site and was like OK lets see if anything here changes my outlook. It pretty much hasn't. I just get further confirmation that this could be misery for life or not, but anything you thought you can expect in a partner can no longer. There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone and expect them to have standards to live by. Mutual foundational beliefs that are shared. All of that goes out the window when they start drinking. And you will learn in step 1, alcohol is bigger than us and your life will be unmanageable as long as it is present.
So I went away for T'Giving, like I do every year. So I get home. My g/f is pissed. I figured as usual it was pissed at me. So I just hunker down and wait for the onslaught. Calm relaxed, let the battle come to me. As usual she had a crummy holiday filled with dramas. So I had read that book many times. But now there is a new twist.
She had a bad time and called her sponsor. I have not nor will ever meet her sponsor. This doesn't bother me. Her sponsor will either figure out my g/f or she won't. All I know is that my g/f picked her because she was tough, had zero tolerance and was 18 years sober. My g/f loved her....until that weekend.
From what I gathered, she and her sponsor have broken off their relationship. As delicately as possible I asked why.......dreading asking this.......
My AGF said Penny was on my ass about not doing my work. Specifically Step 4. She apparently resisted Penny saying, she didn't like being pressed to have a schedule over this. (Gosh does this sound familiar). I don't know what else was said but apparently my AGF's temper reared itself and Penny said, she was done. I didn't ask if she drank, I don't even care anymore. As long as I'm not around the consequence when she is.
I see no hope that this will right itself in a reasonable period of time for me. I don't wish my g/f any ill will, I'm just tired of it.
I am taking a position out of state and that will hopefully be solid by the new year. I am already packing up boxes and hiding them in a storage unit. The final push I will hire a crew to come in and finish the rest in a day.
We don't share finances, we are not married, there are no children. So its actually pretty straight forward.
Reach out to folks here and in any other venue you can find. They are good people going through the same things you are.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by seacoast 
What is unsettling is that some seemingly harmless issue seems to become embedded in her brain and then when she has wine it all comes out in this incoherent drunken rant.
Its almost like a bipolar condition I guess. She used to spend the next day apologising to people, and saying she wishes she could stop. But recently she has become defensive about the wine and stopped seeing it as a problem.
Its almost like a bipolar condition I guess. She used to spend the next day apologising to people, and saying she wishes she could stop. But recently she has become defensive about the wine and stopped seeing it as a problem.
I hope your gf seeks help for herself. Either way, you are well on your way to a healthier life.
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