Keeping it in the day

Hi everyone.

I wrote a letter to myself describing how disgusting I am and how the softly softly approach isn't working. I signed my letter "much love from the life you could have if you choose to"

I have struggled very much in the past few weeks. Work has been hell with ridiculous hours and on days off I just eat drink and sleep. I really am disgusted with myself and feel it is scruff of the neck time. There is a neighbour in my street whose youngish mother is now living with her as the mother is terminally ill. I am in the health care profession and I do what I can to help but then I go home and pour drink down my neck, actively killing myself while this woman would give anything for some more time.

Does anyone feel like 2 people sometimes. I feel like there is this little girl inside me screaming "please look after me. Please put me to bed early and rub cream on my dry sore red skin. Please make me a cup of hot chocolate and let me read my new book while eating a few choccies. Please don't smother me with drink until the day comes when I no longer have a voice"

I know it sounds crazy but it is like I have a doppleganger

biminiblue

That is addiction.

I hope you are here because you are looking for a way out.

Can you make a promise to that little girl that you won't drink today - no matter what?

That's how we do it.

FreeOwl

Yes. Absolutely.


You know, there are a LOT of health care workers who struggle with addiction. You're not alone. In my AA home group we have at least half a dozen. Considering its a small town they are a significant representative group with those numbers.

There is a way out, and there is a better life.

Soberwolf

Hi KIITD

Have you ever heard the story of 2 wolves Two Wolves - A Cherokee Parable : Pearls Of Wisdom

Nice to meet you

Jsbodhi

Like this poem, this guy was a major alcoholic and one of my favourite writers ever
Charles Bukowski

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Jsbodhi

I love the two wolves!
Thanks so much for posting, I might put this in my back pocket.

oak

I also feel like there are two parts of me at times. I even ask myself, "Would I give alcohol to a child who is hurting? So why would I give it to my inner child?"

I think feeling like there are two or more parts is common in addiction (and common in any inner conflict). I like the Internal Family Systems approach to explaining how we compartmentalize and feel divided inside.

JanieJ

I relate very much to the little girl inside, the inner child.

I did some visualisations a while ago where I imagined four of my inner children - ages 0, 3, 7 and 14, all living in a lovely house together and looking after each other.

I started with the easiest memories I could bear.(traumatic childhood). It took me a while to be able to think about 3 yr old Janie and baby Janie.

But I found it quite effective in healing some old wounds and being able to look after myself a little better.

KIITD, is it possible for you to take it a bit easier on your self talk and give that inner child of yours some love and care ? You can still take yourself by the scruff of the neck with "tough" love...

All the best
Jane.

biminiblue

Compartmentalization is one thing. Addiction is another.

Physical dependence robs you of Executive function and over-enables that part of your brain that seeks pleasure. Cognitive dissonance only goes so far - addiction is far more than a psychological coping tool.

DoubleDragons

That little voice inside is the REAL you. Listen to her. She wants to experience life in a healthy body. Ignore the other voice. The REAL you will never steer you wrong, will never keep you out of peace.