ArtFriend

I got an email from a guy I was engaged to years ago. He is coming to Dallas to play a gig (he is a jazz drummer) and would like me to come see him play and then go out. He is now divorced, so at least there is not that aspect going on. I am conflicted. It would be great to see him, but I know he will scoff at my sobriety. We had a boozy kinda relationship...drinks, jazz you know.

I have a feeling SR is going to say don't see him if it jeopardizes sobriety. But I just can't be a hermit and see no one or do anything for fear of drinking.

ScottFromWI

I think you just answered your own question...in fact you probably knew the answer before you even typed it, right?

There are a multitude of people you could go see and things you could go do that don't involve meeting an old drinking friend in a bar....that's a HUGE red light flashing on many levels.

1. He's divorced and want to meet you at a bar
2. You are newly sober
3. You think he'll scoff at you being sober
4. You were romantically involved in the past...and he wants to meet you at a bar
5. Your previous relationship revolved around alcohol..and he doesn't know you are sober..and he wants to meet at a bar.

Need I say more

Fly N Buy

So, is this a poll??

ArtFriend, this is your life, your recovery.......
Follow your conscience and heart with vigilance for your #1 goal of sobriety!!!!


Keep us updated, friend
Kind Regards,
FlyN

SoberLeigh

ArtFriend, can you meet your friend at another time at a coffee shop?

Old friend ( and not just any friend - an ex fiancé), old 'haunts' . . . . Sounds as though it could easily lead to old habits.

I don't think that I could have safely navigated that situation early on.

matilda123

Agreed! You know what to do.

PS: Plenty of jazz musicians who don't drink. My partner was a professional bass player for many years and confirms that many of the best don't touch the stuff!

anattaboy

I would let it be known well ahead of time your lifestyle choice and unwillingness to spend this time together in alcoholically dominant environments (or however best describes your concerns). And of course leave an out. Have a good time. Let us know how it went.

ArtFriend

Scott - what are you trying to say? Don't beat around the bush now

Fly - your graphic is funny and rings true. One reason we didn't married was his immaturity.

Leigh - I guess I could meet for coffee... but I would like to hear him play again. Grrr

Matilda - I know not all musicians drink. The band leader of this group is a devout Christian who never drinks.

GracieLou

What in your life right now is more important? Your sobriety or meeting him/hearing him play?

It is a simple question and the answer will tell you where you are and what you need to do.

I hate to point out the obvious but this back and forth, should I? Could I? sounds a lot like vicious cycle that happens when someone starts contemplating having a drink.

Try and remember you are moving forward. The windshield is larger than the rearview mirror for a reason.

Gilmer

I agree; tell him you no longer drink. If he scoffs, regretfully decline. If he's just quizzical, say you'd prefer to meet him at another venue.

If he wants to rekindle, decline. You don't need to be attached to a habitual drinker--too difficult for the sanity.

ArtFriend

Are they mutually exclusive?

ScottFromWI

I'm trying to say that I'm a guy and I know exactly what guys are thinking when they invite an old flame out for a night on the town. Especially newly divorced ones that happen to be "just visiting' the town where an old flame lives, especially one that used to like to booze it up with them. It's not rocket science ;-)

Thepatman

This is hard

Thepatman

Mainza

Fast forward to the day after you see him. Play out the two scenarios in your head...you remain sober and do not see him or two: you wake up with a vicious hangover and are back at day 1 with all of your hard work wasted. Would you really prefer the hangover?

Nowsthetime

Hello:

I wouldnt open the door to let this person back into my life. It didn't workout for a reason. You have the power now. If you go see him he will have the power.

We will support you whatever you choose. I personally do not like to be friends with exes...

GracieLou

It may have to be. Dry people, dry places.

What do you want more because I have been where you are and I drank. I did not choose sobriety over seeing an old flame, listening to the juke box and watching a game of pool.

I stayed drunk for ten more years. I wish someone would have posed that question to me or I would have posed it to myself. The outcome may have been different but I didn't ask, I just did what I wanted to do. I didn't play the tape all the way through. I did not think of what might happen.

It is totally your life and your decision of course. I am just sharing my experience in this type of situation.

The flame left and I was again alone and drunk.

I would not risk my sobriety today for anyone and anyone that asked me to would not remain in my life today. It is just that important to me.

ubntubnt

coffee or alcohol free dinner, let him know in advance you are sober now. you may be surprised AF, there may be no scoffing. if he can't agree to this then no meet.

Aellyce

Here is the link to what I said to you yesterday for another issue. Holding the same opinion.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5070100

I would not go. It's kinda weird to me that you even consider it....

SoberLeigh

I know it's not the same . . . But could you meet for coffee and ask if he has a new CD? I think many musicans/groups have them and offer them for sale after gigs.

ArtFriend

not so weird haennie...simply conflicted and double minded. cognitive dissonance.