Whiteribbon

Hi everyone, first off ,I'm new and this is my first post and possibly the first time I've spoken about what has been happening in my life for the last two years....
I am in love with an alcoholic.
I said it! For the first time I said it. He is an Alcoholic and alcohol is ruining my life and my childrens lives. (Exhale) :-(

Two weeks ago, my partner and I had yet another argument and full on negative fueled arguement about drinking and how the monster which is alcohol has impacted us and our relationship but to my great surprise, my partner declares to STOP drinking!!! Not 'cut down' not ' only on the weekends' but he agrees to stop. For the first time in 2yeqrs I feel peace again...until lastnight...
Selfishly I ask my partner if he wants to take me and kids for dinner and I suggest a drink, quite drink. It went fine, normal, ordinary...up until after dinner, then slowly but surely a monster emerges...a monster that tells him to drink more and more because tomorrow? Tomorrow, I won't let him drink...and so he did, he believed what he was saying to himself and drunk and drunk and drunk...and I realised then...the extent of his problem and that we would never be, those ordinary famalies where we can sit down and have a drink or two and then leave, I knew then what I had done and I promised myself that I would never be selfish and ask him again, we aren't a normal family, my family member issick and he. May never get better.
Tonight he's at the house drinking with his friends, and the old excuses are back, my tears are back and my fears have come back to roost....
I don't want to do this all again, he refuses treatment, he refuses councelling and it seems that I am the only one looking on the internet for help :-(

And here I am, looking for a solution to a problem that isn't even mine, sometimes I feel like its easier if I just detach emotionally from him and allow time to empty my mind of beautiful memories in spite on never wanting to feel hurt again. Pain is necessary but this suffering is really hurting me and its really dumb.

I want to learn and I want to be happy, regardless of whether he's drinking or not, I'm at a point where I feel the best for everyone is for me to be happy. Surely it must do something good ?
I feel I'm leaving a beautiful friend who is trapped by a demon, a demon that serves no other purpose but to feed off him ceiling an illusion over him and turning the volume down on everything in this world, I'm sick of shouting just to be heard.
I need a new start, but I miss my friend already, I need to find strength, how can I cope? What can I do? Where do I start? What should I do?

Whiteribbon

I miss my friend already :-( everytime he drinks the man love disappears and a monster emerges and he hates me and he's hurtful and mean and cares for no one and he loves no one and no one not even me, can love him :-( my heart cries, where has my soulmate gone? Where is he? The man yelling at me and staring at me with hate looks like my friend but he's not, he hates me :-(

Whiteribbon

In the morning my friend will return but I will still be hurt, my heart will still be broken and my friend will be scared and at night my friend will disappear again and a monster will emerge and I will miss my friend again

TonyB

Thank you for your post Whiterribbon. First off, let me welcome you to SR. This is a great place to find support and people that are willing to try and help. I was just like your partner, the monster, and I really identify with your situation.
For me, I wasn't willing to put the plug in the jug on my own. I always pushed the boundaries that my wife put out there. I promised to quit many many times, and always ended up getting drunk. I tried to just have one or two drinks, and always ended up getting drunk and making a fool out of everyone. She, being the stronger of the two of us and not being clouded by alcohol had to be the one to look out for our family. She did that by basically giving up all alcohol herself and giving me a choice. If I wanted to stay in my family, I had to give up drinking as well. Meaning that if I drank again, I could no longer be a part of my family. She would not relent no matter how much she loved me or how much I flipped out. She had to be strong and look out for our kids and herself. I knew that if I drank again, that was it... I quickly realized that I could not stop drinking on my own and found my ways into a 12 step recovery group. That was October 8th 2005. I am grateful to my wife for being strong enough to follow through and for sticking by the boundaries she set for herself and for our family.
But here is a caution, don't give an ultimatum unless you are prepared to follow through. If you give in, then you are going to be stuck in the same situation and nothing will ever change. As hard as it is to deal with, you may end up losing him. But you have got to protect yourself and your family. Having a drunk around is no kind of life for anyone.

MissBeth

Whiteribbon, I hope you find what you are looking for here, I did, but it took me some time to actually put what I learnt into action.

I would like to know more about your situation so I can offer advice that's relevant.

You mention children. How many and how old? Do not underestimate the impact that his alcoholism has on the children even if they aren't very old.

Does he have a job? Do you? Do you own property together?

Is he only verbally abusive while drunk or physically as well?

If I told you the only way you could be happy was to leave him, would it be within the realm of possibility or something you would never do? (Not saying that I would give that advice, just wondering where you are at mentally)

I agree with Tony, never set boundaries that you cannot enforce. An alcoholic will use these weaknesses in your resolve to push the limits of acceptable behavior to the very limit.

I'm sorry your soul mate is no longer with you, that alcohol has taken him from you, it's a feeling many of us here know very well. Take care.

LexieCat

An alcoholic can never, never, have "just one" drink without the addiction roaring back to life. It's the nature of the problem.

Have you been to Al-Anon? It's a good place (along with this forum) to begin reclaiming your life.

It's not all that clear if you live together, have kids, etc. I'd suggest you educate yourself about alcoholism and read the stickies at the top of the forum. There isn't much you can do to make someone stop drinking until he is good and ready to do that. It pretty much sounds like he isn't, in spite of what he said. Sounds to me like he was telling you what you wanted to hear.

Hugs, glad you're here.

Whiteribbon

Thank you Tony, thank you Mossberg.

And yes tony, I agree, it is one thing to draw a line and a whole ther to enforce it. I can honestly say that I have had somewhat pathetic attempts in putting in boundaries and saying but not doing. Your wife sounds like such a beautiful person and I'm glad she was able to stand for you and it is inspiring to hear that, even though she had been through so much she was able to dig just a liitle more to find the strength she needed :-) you are truely blessed tony, she has helped you as she has help herself and children as she has helped to inspire me..thank you for sharing your story :-) and congratulations on your sobriety, your definitely onto a winner right there Tony! Keep at :-) and thank you once again.

Thank you Missbeth. Thank you for your time in reading my post and offering a warm hearted ear. My partner and I don't have children together but I do have two children from a previous relationship. I have a two year old and a 13 year old, the eldest attend boarding school overseas and is due to return next week, however, we were ment to buy his ticket tonight :-( but my partner is at the house drinking with his friends without a care in the world...we started a small business together this year and it has been going very well as in, we are getting a lot of work in and have turned a profit which is something of a success. It's been a long road, ontop of our personal life,the business is doing great....we are not doing so great.
I have my own apartment now and have for 3months now, its a place I can retreat to and a place I can feel safe and a place that me and the kids can go if need be. He has seen that me leaving and getting a different place somewhat puzzling but its something I knew I needed to do and I'm glad I did. But I think that sometimes that's not enough....

I don't control the finances, not from the company anyway, but I do have some mo.ey coming in of my own but not much, I tried looking for fulltime work but I feel that leaving my son for so long isn't a good thong, but I do look forward to the time when my son is ready as I know it will open a lot of doors for me and for him.
I don't under estimate what my son will pick up on, being involved in a toxic relationship such as this, I see his confusion in his eyes and I feel his little heart sink when he knows that his stepdad isn't the same loving person and I try hard for him to not be around that

I feel there is more that I can do for my children, this back and forth thing isn't stability and my children deserve that. I cried and pleaded to him that if he couldn't stop drinking and he loves us so much then I asked him to take that monster away from us and for two weeks he did, even though or two weeks he asked to drink and carry on and he was angry at me and blamed me for him being so irratable, but I told him it was withdraws and that it was 700 times better than the midnight monster we had to avoid.
But is there a solution for my plight? Would the best choice be to stand form and tell my partner, that he's done wrong and that we can't accept it anymore? Is this an opportunity to tell him to seek treatment or else? Or is this where I walkaway :-(
What I need to find is what is best for us. What will bring me and the kids happiness, what can I do for my children today that will help them. I had had thoughts of going to al-anon meeting on Thursday, we live in a tiny town and I was hesitant to attend because my partner hasn't told people he has a problem and I didn't want to feel so stared at when I walked in :-( so I've been trying to find something online and came here, I came here in the hopes of learning and finding resources and tools that will help me to find a solution to my unhappiness.

Whiteribbon

Thank you Lexus, and yes I agree, sometimes he does say what I want to hear, sometimes he doesn't say anything at all. And I agree, I don't think he is good or ready to stop. And though I find myself in a bad spot I know the challenge here is to view it as an opportunity instead, this may very well be my opportunity to show him rather than tell him, that it is time, its time for us to go :-( can just stay here at my house and not go back, I can find another source of income and not worry about the business, I can do that

LexieCat

Nobody's going to "stare" at you in shocked disbelief at an Al-Anon meeting. We know better than anyone that alcoholism strikes in ALL parts of society, that being a CEO or a movie star or a politician or doctor, lawyer, etc., doesn't make you immune. And the families suffer just as much. You'll find a lot of compassion and understanding there.

You don't have to make any decisions this minute. Going to Al-Anon will help you to clear your head so you can start thinking about what kind of life you want for yourself and your kids, and how best to get there.

Whiteribbon

I want to go because I feel I need to go. I think I'd just start crying at the door :-( I'm crying even rhino.g about it

redatlanta

Al-Anon is the way to go. People will not stare at you, we are all there for the same reason.

Working the step program should enlighten you about what you want your future to be. Some people do stay with their active A's and manage to find happiness. I would say that most end up leaving eventually.

Its really bad for children to be around active alcoholics. Really bad. With that in mind perhaps at this time you can limit their experience with him to only when he is sober.

The questions you ask regarding asking him to go to treatment and such are boundaries. At this time I would say the focus should be on you and Al Anon and your kids. Laying a boundary is very important but it should be focused on YOU and what YOU want and can live with not on the A and what you want them to do. A boundary that you could enforce now would be to refuse to be around your A when he is drinking. Certainly, not allowing your children around him when he is drinking since his behavior sounds pretty abusive and violent.

Whiteribbon

I think lexie that I will eventually, I know I need help, I'd like help

fluffyflea

First off NEVER suggest A drink to an alcoholic. We can't stop at just one.

To be happy you have to develop your own life, empower yourself, be your own best nurse,take care of yourself whether he is drinking or not.

Whiteribbon

Agreed, yes I believe that my focus needs to shift towards change in my life and what will bring us happiness, I will go to al anon and I will put my children and I back into rage forefront, just as I feel that he needs to seek treatment? I must do that and stop wasting time with what he is and isn't doing.
Thank you everyone, you have all helped and yes, I have made my mistakes, I shouldn't have offered him to drink and I must take respondibilty for that and I do, that will never happen again that's for sure! I've learnt my lesson there and, I don't drink anyway so it was a stupid lesson learnt

LexieCat

Don't be too hard on yourself, you know better now. When we know better, we do better.

CodeJob

I think the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie you will find worth reading.

Welcome! You have a lot moving in the right direction. Perhaps as you determine how you want to limit the impact of his drinking on your shared life, your partner will decide the same. It happens.

Whiteribbon

Yes, I've just been looking at the stickies at the top. I'm going to get my reading glasses on and look forward to making some changes :-) thank you again everyone :-)

lillamy

I say that my Al-Anon group added a second box of Kleenex just for me. I think I cried my way through the first four meetings or so. So you wouldn't be the first one. But my tears were not tears of despair, they were tears of "OMG, these people get it! They actually understand what I'm going through!"

Whiteribbon

That's what I need Al-anon, I feel my heart needs to recover, my mind definitely needs a path to recovery and I have learnt so much just from coming here a reading other people's story's, thank you.

spiderqueen

Hi Whiteribbon,
Pulled out the above quote, because it could have been written by me when I first joined here...I wish to offer my support and encouragement for you to keep that sentiment in mind every moment, however much you may miss your friend, and the good times you had. For now, he is not an asset to you and your children's lives - he is a liability.

As you turn the focus off him and on to finding a healthier, happier life for you, maybe he will follow your good example, seek help, and take better care of himself. Maybe he won't. Either way, you and your children win.

Alanon is a great start - individual therapy helped me immensely too, to sort out my own issues, clear the fog, and prioritize. Good luck to you.