njw1968

My AS is almost one month into an intense rehab center out of state. We speak nightly and his moods are all over the place. He's off all meds and says he's having a hard time sitting down trying to write in his journal because his mind goes everywhere. Where I should be enjoying the break and PEACE I am anxious every day about the what ifs when he is finished with the program. It could be 3 to 6 months. My AS is of course banking on the 3 months. I honestly don't want him back here. My daughter and I are still trying to heal from this past year of hell. My ex and his new wife don't want to deal with it either. I just pray ALOT and try not to read too many posts because it overwhelms me. Guess I'm asking for advice???

Twofish

Dear Njw,
I'm sorry this disease is such a pain in the buttocks! The pain lingers, the memories stay fresh, even though our children are in a program and most likely safe and being taken care of.
Instead of wasting all your good, precious well deserved energy on worrying and "what iffing", can you maybe try to focus on yourself? He's not coming home today, so why don't you and your beloved daughter do something fun together, some much needed "normal" family togetherness? Your daughter misses the old days and might heal quicker with some safe "mom time"?
You know, if there's something in a members post that triggers some sad memories of days gone by, you can just leave that memory at the back door! Take what you can use out of a post and ignore the rest? Examine why the post bothered you so much, and
You can even take what experiences you have been dragged through and help someone else? I've done that before and it made me feel good inside that I might have helped some other momma, perhaps one who has helped me...
You can't fix your son, but you can set up boundaries when he comes home, YOUR rules that he must obey. He is working on his recovery and his plan. Please don't take every word he says as gospel.
Regardless of "tomorrow" you need to live in and for today! Try not to worry so much...it just brings on that overwhelming need to "fix" or "figure out" what to do.
Be good to you and your beloved daughter. You've been through enough already.
A gentle hug to a good momma!...sending you some prayers to our HP for peace,
TF

Hope7726

Hi njw. I'm sorry you are going through this. I skimmed some of your previous posts and I see you attended a Nar-Anon meeting. Have you continued going? I feel like getting a sponsor and working the steps could be really beneficial to you.

I know it's hard but during times like this it is so important to stop projecting and just focus on getting through each day. You are stressing over something you have no control over. You have no idea what will happen (how long your AS will be gone, the progress he will have made by then, how you and your daughter, ex, his wife will feel) and worrying about it is exhausting.

Like twofish suggested, all you can do is work on yourself. And now is a great time to do that because you know your AS is at least safe and not out on the streets somewhere using. By working the Nar-Anon (or Al-Anon) program; perhaps seeking counseling if you haven't already; spending quality time with your daughter, other family, and friends; doing things you enjoy; and finding the time to relax, you are growing as a person and the progress you make will help you be a happier, more peaceful woman and an even better mom to both of your kids.

Would you consider talking to your son every other day instead of each day? That could very well lessen your anxiety.

schnappi99

Theres a mother of a 20's recovering narcotics addict in my alanon home group- she's been there for about 2 yrs I think- Her son is about 1.5 yrs clean now. She needed the alanon work to get at her codependency issues and to work with the difficulties that arose between she and her husband as a consequence of her son's addiction and recovery. I don't know if she formally worked the steps but being able to share her trouble and her recovery with others has been of great help to her.

Its interesting how much difficulty she and her husband had over their son- the son seems to have developed a strong recoveryr, but he's living in a halfway house well away. The big problem has been at home between she and her husband; lots of isolation, division, stress between them. I wouldn't be surprised if that chronic trouble has been the long-term toughest part for her.

zoso77

If you don't want him to come home, then hold firm on that boundary.

Caving on your boundaries have historically worked against you. When you cave, you become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

Take a page out of your ex's book.

Whitewingeddove

My 23 yo son has been in rehab several times as well as in jail. Sadly looking back these are two times i worried about him the least! As others have said...now is the time to live in the present and take advantage of the fact that he has professionals helping him work through his emotions. I am happy to hear he is in a longer term rehab than what we have here. That is something to be thankful for. My son has been many times but never for longer than 35 days. Which is not nearly long enough in my opinion. Hugs to you from one mom to another.

Lovenjoy

hi njw. i read this early this morning and i wish i could meet with you, give you a hug and talk..... the trauma of active addiction doesn't just go away because he's gone. we get so used to fight or flight living that when nothing is there at the moment we recreate the need by looking back or looking forward. i believe this is part of our addiction to the addict, our withdrawals if you will.

we also have time now to feel all those feelings which we couldn't allow ourselves to feel at the time as going through it we are in survival mode. feel your feelings. look at them, understand where and why - then let them go. hand them to your HP. alanon/naranon for face to face, therapy for deeper understanding of my hurt, meditation for quieting my mind, prayer for letting go, SR for wisdom and understanding - these are the things which have really helped me in my healing..... helped me find balance and peace. and it was necessary for me to give my health, emotional spiritual physical, my full attention - the attention i had been giving to my addict.

a wise one here (there are many!) told me early on to not future trip. in the almost year i have been working on my recovery i have been finding ways to keep this at bay. a saying which helps me is 'keep it in the day'. today he is safe and not directly impacting your home. today you and your daughter are safe and can breath easy. today you have time to just be.....

so, how 'bout today you just be?! be kind to yourself. find comfort in something/someone/somewhere - snuggle up with a good book, take a bubble bath, a quiet walk in the woods, do a small kindness for someone else... find laughter where you can. know you are not alone and we parents are standing beside you and understand your pain. keep posting please. i care deeply how you are doing.

yesterday i reminded myself that life is about the journey not a destination. this way i came back to the day and was able to put my heart and soul into singing Christmas carols with my beautiful granddaughter! she was so enthralled she decided to put on a show for me! keep it in the day - and make your day great!!!

atalose

It all sounds about right, his recovery and mood swings and feeling being all over the place. The more recovery he gets under his belt his moods and focus should even out.

I remember when I lived my life on “what if’s” and it sucked the life right out of me. I was unable to think let alone enjoy the here now today. It was always suggested to me to just focus one day at a time and work my own recovery program and things will fall into place…………..and they did!

I would suggest that you and your daughter attend al-anon, I know there is nar-anon but in my area more choices for al-anon exist then for nar-anon. I think if reading too many posts overwhelms you then don’t. If the main issue of your concerns lies with him returning to live with you then work on that issue. Find other housing in your area for him such as a sober living residence and JUST gather some information to have on hand if or when that subject may come up. Doesn’t make any sense to discuss that with him today or even tomorrow, it’s not the issue at hand. Your anxiety about it is the issue today. Knowledge often helps us with our anxiety, preparedness for the issue that is driving the anxiety helps.

Twofish

Hey Lovenjoy,
What you said...
"Meditation for quieting my mind" helped me so much!
Wouldn't it be a blessing if we could
"Quiet our minds" from the worry, doubt, blame, drama, chaos, painful emotions,
tears and fears the past, the future the "what iffing" the woulda, coulda and shoulda,
done this or done that...
Wouldn't it be nice for us mommas, or anyone who cares about their addict,
just for a moment...to quiet our minds...
Today, I'm going to "quiet my mind" and stay in Friday, (today) and do something positive
in my life...for me.
Thanks Lovenjoy for the insight
TF

Chino

The anxiety I felt at the thought of my daughter coming home was magnified x10 when she did.

Our adult children are supposed to leave our nest and build their own. It's a law of nature.