SoberComposer

Hi Everyone,

I have had a lot of stressful things happen in the last few days and have come to the realization that I have to make some big decisions for my future. My current path is the easy route but will ultimately short-change what I am capable of, this is certain. The other route is more risky but the unknown offers possibilities.

Quitting drinking this time has been so unusual because I was ready and never looked back (aug2nd2014), but today I feel that I want a reprieve. There is no way that I will drink because I know that hell. In-fact.. if I still drank I would have never come to this realization and nothing would change. I guess I just feel a little alone and afraid. My life in the last few decades was very consistent. I worked hard and I drank hard. That pretty much sums it up. Now I am faced with a realization that I am evolving and I must breath different air.

This scares me because it is new. I am reaching out because 'new' does not feel secure and I do not ever want to touch alcohol ever again. I have read here of so many who went back to the drink and are now struggling for just a few days sober and I know that will happen to me if I ever drink again. I am afraid of the uncertainty of change but will surely keep close to these threads that have helped sow my life back together.

Much Love,

-SR

resolute50

I know what you mean by "new" being scary. I'm unemployed now and have a lot of stress these days.
Had a comfortable job for 20 years and now searching.
Like you, I know that drinking now would be dreadful.

strategery

I can relate sobercomposer since I have always found change a bit scary since because there are unknown aspects. There are no guarantees in how anything will turn out, but wouldn't you want to see if you could achieve what is possible by yourself rather than look back on your life and wonder what if?

melki

Painful, isn't it? I am at a very similar place emotionally.

Best wishes on your big decisions!

Venecia

Hi, Sober Composer,

First, congrats on finding sobriety. You're starting to log some serious time there. That's terrific!

One of the things that I came to realize is that sobriety, in some ways, starts to undo things. It undoes the numbness alcohol created in our lives. It undoes the long-term holding pattern that had become our normalcy. It undoes the stunted growth.

It's not really like starting from scratch because parts of us are already formed. And in sobriety, we start to re-discover what we like about ourselves, what's good about us.

But we have to regrow in other areas. I think that the point you've reached describes me at the same point in sobriety. The toughest times were behind me. Now, the term I've used is recalibrating.

So I'm not sure that's an answer. But it is my way of letting you know that while you describe feeling a little alone and afraid -- something with which I can identify -- I think that people like us are in a reawakening. It is a little scary. But it is living life on life's terms and to its fullest. Something we didn't do for a long time as alcohol robbed us of so much.

Life as a recovering alcoholic isn't always easy. But it is a real life. And it is infinitely better than the one we used to lead.

Take care.

Dee74

I had to learn it was normal to feel alone and afraid, SC.
I also had to learn it was ok to reach out and to talk about it...

I spent so many years medicating discomfort and stress it took me a while to realise this was what everyone felt, some time.

There's lots of things you can do to get a little respite - hobbies interests, meditations, a nice hot bath, a funny movie, some exercise.

whatever you're worries are, you don't need to solve them today.

Cut yourself a little slack

D

Squig

Sober Composer- I've found that reaching out is a huge step. I hate asking for help, and don't like to be a burden to others. Earlier today I messaged a guy who I've known since childhood and reconnected with my first go round through AA. He's approaching three years after going in and out of the program 23 times. If anybody could empathize with a relapse I knew he could. I also knew he was doing some really good things as far as his recovery is concerned, and he could point me in the direction of a good meeting. I've come to realize that I do the most harm to myself when I don't ask for help. I too struggle with being alone because then I try to start to reconcile with my past mistakes. Eventually I'll have to make peace with them.

Ruby2

Well, congratulations on five months. What Venecia and Dee said were great. I called them growing pains but they put it better.

New isn't always secure but facing new sober is infinitely more comfortable for me because I know I am less likely to make wrong headed moves based on alcohol clouded judgment.

SoberComposer

Thank you, each one of you . I founds gems in each perspective and it feels good to know I am not alone in this reawakening. I know I must move on but now it seems a little less scary. This is still months away, and maybe many more depending on how these following months go, but it is not something I will be lethargic with when the right opportunity arises.

Thanks everyone, I am glad I asked for your help. Have a great night, or day

-SC

matilda123

Five months is fantastic, sober composer. Sending you good thoughts and hugs!

JanieJ

As a newly sober person myself, I can't offer much advice, but just wanted to say,
many, many congratulations on five months sobriety, SC

countrygirl2014

Hey you. Maybe it's in the air. I, too, left my comfort zone and quit my toxic job as a bartender Wednesday night with NO backup plan. I am emotional. I am scared. This is change. Jen fears change. I have had random crying fits, anger fits. I managed to get a full nights sleep last night and woke up feeling yucky already. At least today I can recognize the source IS the fact I quit my job. I thought it didn't bother me. I guess all day yesterday I tried to blame the random feelings on everything else but the job. I need to do the footwork now and fill that void with a new, positive purpose. Anyway, you are not alone. Great job on your time. I guess sometimes we are just going to have to pour our hearts out to whomever will listen and hang on through these tough spots. They won't last forever. As long as we don't pick up.

Jennifer

SoberComposer

I really appreciate that Jennifer. I remember replying to your post, saying that was wonderful for you to leave a place that was not good for you. I never expected that it would happen to me. There were a lot of things that I should have got here but instead I am being treated as though I am a fool, a fool for accepting this sub-par treatment, while all around me get paid much more, are very rude and very lazy. I stuck around because I was content with this while drinking but as I am evolving I realize that I am working so much harder than everyone else and getting treated like im fresh out of high school. Thank you for your words Jen. It feels so good to get such great support from others true struggles when no one around me understands this. This truely is toxic to me and I can realize that now.

I wish you the greatest love and luck on finding a new job and I look up to your strength! Stay strong Jennifer, through great struggles great people are built.

Nuudawn

I love the way you articulated that. And I am so very glad you posted about what's going on within...

Very recently, I was choking on all my new air..but not taking in any oxygen it seems. Nevertheless, I know..I want that new air...even though sometimes it feels like it isn't enough...it isn't edgy or substantial enough. It's like I can't feel it punctuate anything hard enough...but that's just my fear...just my addiction.

My addiction tells me all sort of lies because it doesn't want to die...IT ain't getting enough air so to speak.

Keep breathing in that cool, clean, mind and soul nourishing new air SC.

SoberComposer

Thank you Nuudawn

Soberwolf

Hope your feeling a bit better SC

longenough

SoberComposer you have already taken the biggest step into a new and unknown world on August 2nd, you ceased the normal in your life, do not be afraid, embrace the thrill of a new challenge as you have becoming sober.