Stung

I have to go see an oncologist next week, my doctor thinks that I have acute leukemia. Awesome. If I don't have leukemia then it's likely that I have an autoimmune disease and I'm right at the age for either to develop and my blood work points to either of them as being strong possibilities for the overall crappy way I've been feeling lately. Turns out when people have been asking me "How are you?" and I reply "tired" it's not so funny anymore.

I'm really struggling with not being angry at god over this. Like if I have cancer any kind of god is really f'ing me over and really, really f'ing my kids over. And I know that lots of people are diagnosed with cancer everyday so really, god is constantly f'ing people over but damn, I don't want this to happen to ME! I have stuff to freaking do! I have children to raise and watch grow. I have a recovery program to manage. I have a business to grow. I have marathons to run and triathlons I want to participate in and there are countries that I haven't had a chance to even travel to yet!!! What the actual ****, universe?! You ran out of bad people on the planet to **** with? It's so frustrating. I know it's just genetics (mom had cancer in early 30s, aunt died of cancer in her late 30s) and I have ****** genes but I try to take good care of myself. I've always been in more or less optimal health physically.

So I don't know what to do with this garbage and seriously either diagnosis is garbage. Being sick period is garbage. What a bunch of crap! Life gave me garbage and I'm trying to not make a garbage heap, rather I'm trying really dutifully to live with this bull since I can't do anything about it and hope for the best. Although I keep hoping for the best and my "best outcomes" keep getting shoved out with increasingly bad news. My original best case scenario was being RX'd an antibiotic and maybe an iron supplement. Nope. Then I was hoping I had a nasty virus. Nope. Now I'm hoping I have an autoimmune disease. This is ********.



Thank you for letting me vent my frustrations here. I'm not really looking for a response from anyone. I just need to get this really nasty negative crap out of my system because this is seriously a bunch of crap and there is no way that it would ever be appropriate for me to say any of this stuff out loud. IRL people are pitying me. I wish they would be outraged with me instead of feeling sorry for me.

lillamy

One day at a time. If you do have leukemia, remember that it's not a death sentence, and that many treatments are not as horrid as you may imagine. I have a friend who went through leukemia treatment and didn't even lose her hair...

I understand your anger and fear though. I think it's the fear of all of us who have kids -- with the ex in such a sorry shape, you can't get sick.

Sending lots of prayers -- both for the best possible outcome and for peace (I know that sounds far-fetched right now) in the process.

Katchie

Stung...(((hugs))) hon... I'm surprised with the stress all of us face over alcoholic loved ones that all of us aren't suffering more physical affects/diseases and such. You and your children will be continually in my prayers.

suki44883

(((hugs)))

amy55

Stung ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

I don't know what to say to make you feel better at this time, I know when I found out I had cancer, there wasn't much I could hear or listen to.

I don't know if this will help you but I hope it does. Cancer, leukemia, auto autoimmune disease, they don't define you.

I had prepared for myself to die, I was comfortable with that, I went to my Dr, to ask how much longer he thought I had to live. He told me, your my patient, you aren't going anywhere. Well, I'm still here.

I know how frightening all this can be, just know that I will be here for you. I'll be here for the downs, and the low feelings, I'll be here to sometimes laugh about somethings, like the constipation, or whatever. The stupid tests.

Just please stay with us, we are here for you.

You have a piece of my heart

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy

NWGRITS

An autoimmune disease definitely doesn't define a person. I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease 11 years ago and I've only been acutely ill for about two of those years. I haven't had to take any meds for it in almost three years. I control the disease, it doesn't control me. Depending on what your diagnosis might be, it can be so easy to live a perfectly normal life with an autoimmune disorder. I run (well, did. I'm sidelined with a meniscal tear atm.), bike, have a family, and eat whatever the heck I want. You don't become a damaged, useless person just because of a diagnosis. Even with leukemia, the treatments have come so far that your odds of a full remission are really good. Stress will weaken your immune system though, and that's counterproductive to healing. I'll keep you in my prayers as you navigate this process. (((Hugs)))

Mango blast

(((((Stung)))))

Hugs, gentle thoughts and prayers coming your way. There were many years I wish the doctors could diagnose me with something, just so I knew what to fight and how. Once I knew what was wrong, healing began. And yes, stress is a big hindrance to healing.

If they find something, research, ask for more opinions and pray. You'll find your way. Whatever the findings, may it be something that brings you to healing and a fully healthy body.

Calmwater

Hi, I usually post over in friends and family of substance abusers, but I wanted to let you know I have an autoimmune disease called sjogren's syndrome. It does suck sometimes but you can manage it. I'm on medication that helps me control it, and mostly, I just listen to my doctor and live my life. I know it feels really crappy and unfair, especially with everything else we have to deal with, addicted spouses, kids to raise, jobs.... It's ok to be totally furious, I went between that and terrified while they were trying to figure it all out.

I've read a lot of your posts and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this too, sometimes it all seems like too much, doesn't it? I'm glad we can vent here, where people really do understand. Take care of you, best you can, and try to rest when you need to, which will seem like way too often. If it is autoimmune, feel free to PM me, I know more then I'd like to about different treatments, and options.

amy55

I'm with Keeping the Faith, I knew something was wrong with me, but I needed to know what it was. This must be just a horrible time for you. Just the thing of not knowing what it is. Once you do know for sure, I think you can handle things better.

Just know that you are never alone. We are here for you

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

53500

Stung, so very sorry you got this bad news! Yeah you got a raw deal and the fact that people are diagnosed with cancer every day does not make it any less of a raw deal.

Once you know for sure what you have - I agree with keepingthefaith, when you're ready, do your own research. My 87yo FIL was given 18 months to live, seven years ago after his diagnosis of prostrate cancer. That he's still alive and kicking is due to the treatment he received and also his own extensive research. He drastically changed his diet.

Very very sorry you had to hear this, on top of everything else.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Stung.

Mountainmanbob

15 years ago I had a tumor removed and was told that things did not look good.

Also pulling for you.

Mountainman

killerinstinct

Stung sounds like what job went through in the bible and we all know how that ended - double for his trouble.. Hold onto that and lay low while you feel oppressed. This too shall pass.. it sounds like your an overcomer and super strong.. Hence the battle for your life. I have two friends in your situation right now.. If it's helps it made them stronger and happier once the ******** part of it past... I'd never wish what your going through upon anyone but somehow someway you will get through this and the best is yet to come for you Xx

LexieCat

I'd be tempted to freak out too, in your shoes, but you're awfulizing what may never come to pass. It's good to get a diagnosis and a treatment plan. Maybe some things will have to slow down or be put on the back burner for a bit, but all those things you are visualizing right now may never happen. One crisis at a time.

I know you weren't looking for us to pump you up, you were looking more for a safe place to vent (and I hope it helped), but after the venting is done you still need to get through this. And you will.

Hugs,

redatlanta

Stung - Certainly not a post anyone wanted to read - I am so sorry. You have had a plate full the last couple of years and I am mad as hell along with you that you are having to deal with this.

Several acute leukemia's can be cured. CURED. My hope is that this comes back as a mistake, but if not I hope for a curable leukemia over anything else.

My mom was diagnosed this year with a blood cancer. I am (unfortunately) well schooled in this situation. Please feel free to PM me if I can help in understanding or just give you my ES & H.

You will get through this and we will all be here for you

walkinganewpath

((hugs)) to you Stung. I hope the vent helped. I had dominoes of bad luck right after AH went to rehab. Just makes you say...REALLY?????

Since your post was more of a vent I won't offer any advice - just being there to listen.

Hang in there...and you already know that there are a lot of folks on SR in your corner

CodeJob

Stung,

Is your H on board or do you have a friend coming with you to appt? I recommend this strongly. This is NOT a solo activity Stung. This is a moment in your life you need someone sitting beside you.

The other thing, tell this person to get something like a Trapper Keeper with multiple pockets. You want this person to collect business cards of every MD, practitioner and nurse you meet, grab all the paper info on whatever they think you have too. This will be your play book. Later you can put those who stay on your care team into your phone.

If MD thinks acute, have you had bone marrow biopsy already? Are you seeing a hematologist oncologist? Next week? You don't mess with acute. This sort of thing should not stay at a local community hospital, you usually get shipped to an academic or NCI designated cancer center for induction chemo.

In this ONE case, I would let your over planning Codie self come out and play. Rattle the medical plan of action and see why things are not rolling faster to rule out a AML or ALL.

lizatola

Hugs, Stung. I like what KeepingtheFaith had to say. I know you don't have the doc appointment until next week so for now, just breathe, and try not to think about it.

FWIW: my sister had leukemia as a child and survived it with flying colors and I know too many people who have autoimmune diseases than I can count, but they are all managing their lives and doing well by learning self care. You are already an expert at self care, take heart and know that getting a diagnosis puts you in a better position to do just that. Grab the bull by the horns and attack whatever it is that is dragging you down.

Hey, I was told I had shingles by both the RN and my doc, but the swab tests showed nothing. Doctors can be wrong.

And, this post was timely for me, as well, so I thank you. I am going in for 2 MRIs of my spine(leaving in a few minutes actually). The doctor is concerned about my spinal pain and since my dad died from a spinal tumor, he wants to make sure I get it checked out further. This has been going on since June and there's a part of me that is ready for the answers and there's another part of me that is scared sh*tless.

HUGS to you, again, today.

Florence

(((hugs)))

Hollyanne

Hi Stung,
Vent away.
Get the best doctors and nurses to treat you.
This might just be the universe's way of saying,
"Stop! TAKE CARE OF YOU!".

Often, the scariest sounding cancers are the most treatable. The research has been done.
The squeeky wheel.
You are going to be OK.