writeonlylove

I've been lurking here for probably two weeks. Knowing that when my boyfriend uses again I'll probably have to post here to just keep my sanity for the night. He is in an outpatient treatment program that is mandatory for this probation for his second DUI. I'm just at my wits end. I've been sober from marijuana for almost two months. It's come easy to me. Even though I deal with a disease that leaves me hurting from chronic boils and that seemed to be the only way to ease the pain. My mother is 10 years sober from cocaine addiction. Figures I'd find a boyfriend who deals with the same problem. I love him..obviously. That's what every codependent girlfriend probably says. He's amazing when not doing drugs or drinking. He has been working his steps and going to these meeting three times a week. But it's been a struggle. What used to be every 3 or 4 days. He's now up to maybe a week before he goes and seeks out his dealer and lies to me and finally fesses up when I can tell from his face what he's been doing. The lying hurts the worst. I know this is a disease but each time he slips.. I feel like he's doing this to ME. I say things that I know I can't hold up to. Like I'm gonna call his probation officer or call his outpatient leader. He was telling the truth each time he relapsed but now out of fear that his chances are up, he's hiding the truth. From his sponsor. From his other group members. He doesn't want to go back to jail and each time he says he won't do this again because of how awful the last time was..I believe him. I don't know how to help anymore. I have gotten my life back on track. Got a job. But I still fear when I'm at work he's gonna use and when I get home.. I'll come home to this. This other person that is no way shape or form the person I fell in love with. I want to be more supportive cause I know that's the right thing to do. Each time he gets it now just about he's doing a little bit then flushing the rest. I know he wants the will to stop. I know he wants to be better.. but he struggles. We say to each other we each have our own recovery. And we do. To make it in this relationship we have to. I wouldn't be where I am right now. Cause I used to use the cocaine with him and in my head justify it that he would have less to do. I hated it. Hated how it made me freeze up. Didn't like it all but hey I'm an codependent addict .. I kept going back. I constantly fear he's gonna have a heart attack. Fearful that if he has it here that I'll want to do it and just say **** it "If he's gonna be miserable, I will too". I just am tired of being a babysitter. It baffles me that I'm where I am. One day feeling like we are so blessed and happy and the next pissed that I'm still having nights like this. I feel like I have to stay up all night and make sure he doesn't go down to the downstairs neighbors house and drink. We are surrounded by people we used to do **** with. We've cut these people out. Well I have. He still resorts to being around them when he relapses. I guess I just needed to vent. I know I'm not alone. That there are other women out there struggling to keep good men who are addicts.. alive. I just want better for him. He's such an amazing man. He has been through so much. But I get so pissed off when he does this. Like he's letting it win. Just needed some support tonight I guess...

Thanks for listening.

carguysgirl

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this-congratulations on your recovery work.
I know you love him-but please love yourself first and most.
Take care of yourself!

Soberintexas007

I am going through a situation similar to you, except my husband is getting sober from alcohol, which he now has three weeks. I think it depends on when you reach your codependent bottom, which would be the point at which you are fed up and tired of taking care of his needs over your own and taking care of your own sanity. I could not deal with those crazy nights of my husband drinking and becoming belligerent anymore, so if he was to engage in that behavior again, I will probably leave the relationship. In the meantime, I am worried like you, but I guess we have to live our lives and Let Go and Let God.