Sister blew my cover
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Sister blew my cover
Last summer, I called my sister in law to ask for help in staging a possible intervention for my mate. She was apparently the healthiest member of his family. She promised to return my call, as she was busy, but I never heard from her.
My mate mentioned in an email yesterday , among other things, that she had told him about my call.
I have heard about these family dynamics in the Program, where they try to keep the alcoholic drunk. After all that, I still find it incredible that a family with any love at all would risk their loved one dying from alcoholism.
I also learned after I called her, that she volunteers as a bartender at the VFW. So, she is feeding addictions those poor fellows likely brought home from some war.
I am only sharing this to let everyone know that approaching sick family members for an intervention can do more harm than good.
My mate mentioned in an email yesterday , among other things, that she had told him about my call.
I have heard about these family dynamics in the Program, where they try to keep the alcoholic drunk. After all that, I still find it incredible that a family with any love at all would risk their loved one dying from alcoholism.
I also learned after I called her, that she volunteers as a bartender at the VFW. So, she is feeding addictions those poor fellows likely brought home from some war.
I am only sharing this to let everyone know that approaching sick family members for an intervention can do more harm than good.
Last edited by Eauchiche; 12-11-2014 at 06:39 PM. Reason: more info
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I sent my future in-laws an email after I left my ex - I detailed my concerns about his inebriated driving and about the medical issues he was facing if he continued to drink and how heartbreaking it was and how afraid I was for him.
His father responded with "I appreciate you sharing your observations. Thank you."
His mother responded with "Thank you."
That was the last I heard of the two people that I hoped would help him.
They both know he's a raging alcoholic, however, his father is as well, so....I still pray that someone will help him, however, I think only God can do that at this point.
His father responded with "I appreciate you sharing your observations. Thank you."
His mother responded with "Thank you."
That was the last I heard of the two people that I hoped would help him.
They both know he's a raging alcoholic, however, his father is as well, so....I still pray that someone will help him, however, I think only God can do that at this point.
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This is such a meaningful post to me because I often feel this way about my husband's family. For example, he was arrested by the police in July, and we had called his parents, and his mother and stepfather were livid at him because what he had done. The next day when he told them that he would not drink again, they were VERY supportive. Yet when he started drinking again at their parties, they just turned a shoulder at it, and I think even encouraged it. How did they encourage it? Well, (1) His mother told me when he was getting drunk at his sister's 30th birthday party that he was having a good time. I don't think she should have had this response, as it appeared she was supporting her son's excessive drinking. And (2) When my husband told his stepfather that he was ready to go because he had to work the next day, rather than support this decision, his stepfather asked him why he was leaving so soon. Incredible! It was as if his stepfather wanted him to drink more.
So why would his family want to support his dysfunction? I notice that their son is more outgoing and talkative at parties when he is drinking. When he is not drinking, he is more disinterested in the situation and not as engaged with everyone. But that is the real him.
Now that we had been having problems, I think his mother is now on board with his abstinence because she saw that we were close to breaking up, and I don't think she wants that for her son.
By the way, my husband's sister took my husband to a bar with her cousins three years ago when he was supposed to be sober behind my back, which he later told me about. She once made the comment that she just cannot see her brother being sober at parties. It's almost as if she knows it's going to be impossible, so rather than have him be bitter and grumpy at parties, mine as well let him drink and be happy (and let me, his wife, take the "beating" later).
But like I said before, I think his family will be on board with the current decision for their son to abstain from alcohol because I think they are aware of the serious problems we were having. I emailed his mom about it, and she was supportive. I just hope she told her husband and her daughter.
So why would his family want to support his dysfunction? I notice that their son is more outgoing and talkative at parties when he is drinking. When he is not drinking, he is more disinterested in the situation and not as engaged with everyone. But that is the real him.
Now that we had been having problems, I think his mother is now on board with his abstinence because she saw that we were close to breaking up, and I don't think she wants that for her son.
By the way, my husband's sister took my husband to a bar with her cousins three years ago when he was supposed to be sober behind my back, which he later told me about. She once made the comment that she just cannot see her brother being sober at parties. It's almost as if she knows it's going to be impossible, so rather than have him be bitter and grumpy at parties, mine as well let him drink and be happy (and let me, his wife, take the "beating" later).
But like I said before, I think his family will be on board with the current decision for their son to abstain from alcohol because I think they are aware of the serious problems we were having. I emailed his mom about it, and she was supportive. I just hope she told her husband and her daughter.
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Justbreathe, you are trying to orchestrate this, getting his family to support him in the way that you see that he needs, and I don't think this works well.
He has to make his own choice, on his steam, by his own will.
ShootingStar1
He has to make his own choice, on his steam, by his own will.
ShootingStar1
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My former inlaws told me, when I informed them about AXH's alcohol abuse, that "we will do anything in our might to support you."
Then they never talked about it again. When I tried to bring it up, they told me marriage was for life and they hoped I could deal with it. And once I left, they never talked to me again.
Then they never talked about it again. When I tried to bring it up, they told me marriage was for life and they hoped I could deal with it. And once I left, they never talked to me again.
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
Justbreathe, you are trying to orchestrate this, getting his family to support him in the way that you see that he needs, and I don't think this works well.
He has to make his own choice, on his steam, by his own will.
ShootingStar1
He has to make his own choice, on his steam, by his own will.
ShootingStar1
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My husband's mother always takes the "detached, Al-Anon" stance when things are going okay between my husband and me and she is not getting any phone calls. But then when everything goes downhill, she is calling and all worried. I can guarantee it is during those times when things go downhill that she second guesses herself and wonders if it really was a good idea to invite her son to an alcohol fest at her house, or if it was a good idea to take Tequila shots in front of her newly sober son.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
And once I left, they never talked to me again.
They all blame me for his drinking. They all blame me for the fact his life is ruined, he doesn't have a job, he has no money, is broke and getting sicker and closer to death by the day.
To them, it's all my fault and always will be.
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Even after my XH DIED of alcohol related cardiac problems...(by then he was living with his mother in his old childhood room and hadnot worked in 10 years)....
it was "my fault"...we were divorced for 23 years.
they never saw his alcohol and daily pot issues, they ignored them for the most part.
they were his biggest enablers.
it was "my fault"...we were divorced for 23 years.
they never saw his alcohol and daily pot issues, they ignored them for the most part.
they were his biggest enablers.
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I think generally speaking when it comes to the dysfunctional family, any attempt you make to change, influence or otherwise meddle with the family roles is going to be met with a wall if you are lucky and outright hostility if you are not.
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When my RAH went to rehab, I sent the same note to all of his sibs with the mail/visiting info and link to the facility website (out of state). I also sent a link to a few articles on alcoholism that described his behavior well.
It was not 100% well received. I figure it hurt my 'standing' with my in laws. But the truth is the truth. I've never been one to take the easy path when it comes to truth.
All of them sent him letters. They did support him. I know in my heart I did the right thing for the first rehab. Stay in the light. Share location and contact info. Provide a solid crumb trail of info on the addiction if they want to learn.
If there is a next time, I would no longer play that role. Some things you just do once.
It was not 100% well received. I figure it hurt my 'standing' with my in laws. But the truth is the truth. I've never been one to take the easy path when it comes to truth.
All of them sent him letters. They did support him. I know in my heart I did the right thing for the first rehab. Stay in the light. Share location and contact info. Provide a solid crumb trail of info on the addiction if they want to learn.
If there is a next time, I would no longer play that role. Some things you just do once.
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Family of origins, particularly when they all play a part in the alcoholic dance, are a mighty dangerous, sick, dysfunctional bunch.
The one time my xAH made plans to go to inpatient rehab, his family had a "crisis" the weekend before, he went down there, they plied him with booze all weekend, told him that I was mentally abusive and putting crazy ideas in his head about how he needed rehab (it was his idea mind you originally)...
He came home 3 days later in crazy sick condition from having been drinking non stop all weekend.
Never went to rehab, assaulted me the next day, was arrested and his family to this day says that I caused him trouble for supporting his going to rehab... Where he ultimately never went bc of their sick psycho intervention.
So, it does not surprise me a bit that his sister acted as she did.
Im so sorry for you having to experience it first hand but now you know that a drunks family are as sick as he or she is and they are never going to care if he gets well.
The one time my xAH made plans to go to inpatient rehab, his family had a "crisis" the weekend before, he went down there, they plied him with booze all weekend, told him that I was mentally abusive and putting crazy ideas in his head about how he needed rehab (it was his idea mind you originally)...
He came home 3 days later in crazy sick condition from having been drinking non stop all weekend.
Never went to rehab, assaulted me the next day, was arrested and his family to this day says that I caused him trouble for supporting his going to rehab... Where he ultimately never went bc of their sick psycho intervention.
So, it does not surprise me a bit that his sister acted as she did.
Im so sorry for you having to experience it first hand but now you know that a drunks family are as sick as he or she is and they are never going to care if he gets well.
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This lady used to work right next to the mayor and run a city of 1/2 million, and she did a fine job.
My ex has a degree in history that he has never used.
I guess it is hard to wrap my head around the idea that people can be so intelligent and act so stupidly.
My ex has a degree in history that he has never used.
I guess it is hard to wrap my head around the idea that people can be so intelligent and act so stupidly.
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it is hard to wrap my head around the idea that people can be so intelligent and act so stupidly.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
My husband's mother always takes the "detached, Al-Anon" stance when things are going okay between my husband and me and she is not getting any phone calls. But then when everything goes downhill, she is calling and all worried. I can guarantee it is during those times when things go downhill that she second guesses herself and wonders if it really was a good idea to invite her son to an alcohol fest at her house, or if it was a good idea to take Tequila shots in front of her newly sober son.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
But like I said before, I think his family will be on board with the current decision for their son to abstain from alcohol because I think they are aware of the serious problems we were having. I emailed his mom about it, and she was supportive. I just hope she told her husband and her daughter.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Last summer, I called my sister in law to ask for help in staging a possible intervention for my mate. She was apparently the healthiest member of his family. She promised to return my call, as she was busy, but I never heard from her.
My mate mentioned in an email yesterday , among other things, that she had told him about my call.
I have heard about these family dynamics in the Program, where they try to keep the alcoholic drunk. After all that, I still find it incredible that a family with any love at all would risk their loved one dying from alcoholism.
I also learned after I called her, that she volunteers as a bartender at the VFW. So, she is feeding addictions those poor fellows likely brought home from some war.
I am only sharing this to let everyone know that approaching sick family members for an intervention can do more harm than good.
My mate mentioned in an email yesterday , among other things, that she had told him about my call.
I have heard about these family dynamics in the Program, where they try to keep the alcoholic drunk. After all that, I still find it incredible that a family with any love at all would risk their loved one dying from alcoholism.
I also learned after I called her, that she volunteers as a bartender at the VFW. So, she is feeding addictions those poor fellows likely brought home from some war.
I am only sharing this to let everyone know that approaching sick family members for an intervention can do more harm than good.
After all that, her mom insisted on saying that her daughter is a "good girl," and I knew she was "messed up" when I proposed. Really, I didn't expect her daughter to do that much damage to me. Plus, "good girl" and "messed up," oxymoron?
But yeah, I can see now how her mom just enables her daughter to stay sick. Instead of letting her daughter hit consequences, she just does whatever she has to, in order to appease her daughter and keep her from being mad. She does the same for her alcoholic son. After realizing that, I get that her mom was mad at me because by getting out, I was making her mom responsible for taking care of her again, when her mom had a free pass for two whole years while I was with her daughter.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Ain't that true?
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Man does this hit home. The more healthy I become, the sicker I see that my ex's family is, especially his mother. That family doesn't see or hear anything that they don't want to. They will do anything from lie, hide, avoid and cheat to preserve the image of normal and they are as far from normal as the sea from the sun.
As soon as he was tucked away in rehab and found another patient to hook up with I was cut off without a word. They lied about him having someone until a friend told me. His mom took my Christmas presents back to the store the minute she found out he dumped me. Rehab girl has now moved into the parents home until their apt is ready and is queen of the castle. This is all very normal to them because it looks good.
My friend who is still with my ex's brother is daily barraged by the mom with questions about how the brother is doing, what he's doing, is he going to therapy, did he eat today. It's never ending manipulation and triangulating. And she knows that the second she breaks up with the brother she will be cast into outer darkness with me. This goes for miss rehab hook up too though the poor kid doesn't know it yet. Can we all say in unison. NEVER AGAIN!
As soon as he was tucked away in rehab and found another patient to hook up with I was cut off without a word. They lied about him having someone until a friend told me. His mom took my Christmas presents back to the store the minute she found out he dumped me. Rehab girl has now moved into the parents home until their apt is ready and is queen of the castle. This is all very normal to them because it looks good.
My friend who is still with my ex's brother is daily barraged by the mom with questions about how the brother is doing, what he's doing, is he going to therapy, did he eat today. It's never ending manipulation and triangulating. And she knows that the second she breaks up with the brother she will be cast into outer darkness with me. This goes for miss rehab hook up too though the poor kid doesn't know it yet. Can we all say in unison. NEVER AGAIN!
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I am returning to this thread in a different place. I have made peace with the parental enablers for the sake of my youngest son. Even they eventually got tired of my ex. He has found a new family to enable him.
So I, with my scant 18 months of recovery, am the beacon of sanity for these people who have spent a lifetime (from childhood on) in the family dynamic of alcoholism and codependency.
My anger has dissipated in the light of my recovery, coming face to face with people EXACTLY like me, who grew up in alcoholic homes, married alcoholics (sober now, by the grace of their higher power) and then raised alcoholic children, one of whom I chose as a partner and father to my youngest child.
I could waste a lot of time raging at this family dynamic. I could blame and shame adults who are acting out patterns from their childhood.
But I don't. I practice gratitude. I know better. I try to break the cycle with my children. I do better.
I am not better or smarter or superior to these people in any way. I am merely more fortunate. I have had a moment of clarity, or a spiritual awakening or whatever you want to call it. I found SR. I found Alanon. I found recovery.
Gratitude.
So I, with my scant 18 months of recovery, am the beacon of sanity for these people who have spent a lifetime (from childhood on) in the family dynamic of alcoholism and codependency.
My anger has dissipated in the light of my recovery, coming face to face with people EXACTLY like me, who grew up in alcoholic homes, married alcoholics (sober now, by the grace of their higher power) and then raised alcoholic children, one of whom I chose as a partner and father to my youngest child.
I could waste a lot of time raging at this family dynamic. I could blame and shame adults who are acting out patterns from their childhood.
But I don't. I practice gratitude. I know better. I try to break the cycle with my children. I do better.
I am not better or smarter or superior to these people in any way. I am merely more fortunate. I have had a moment of clarity, or a spiritual awakening or whatever you want to call it. I found SR. I found Alanon. I found recovery.
Gratitude.
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