james186

Binge drinking is like living normally and then jumping into a jar, screwing the lid on and filling itwith insecurity, failure, worst case scenarios, crusing doubt, paranoia, nihilist recklessness and dark, black dirt and then smearing a layer of sickly sweet un-nourishing acceptance on it. It's a place where self destructive nostalgia and the unwillingness to accept the passing of time and the human condition fakes the place of a future of positivity and progression. It's like a little safety net to throw your soul into and lose a little bit of it every time. My life is not a bad place sober; I'm not well of but I'm not destitute; I have my health (more or less) and family...it's like a pleasant little woodland with the occasional weed or poisonos creature; at worst a blanket of fog. When I'm drunk it becomes a hate filled, demon ridden forest.

That to me is the difference between an alcoholic and a drinker - the alcoholic endures the dark, malevolent woodland while the drinker stumbles gladly through the wood.

I'm beginning to see alcohol like self harm or masochism - it's guilt, pain, insecurity...it's mental illness...it's tied itself to me like a strangling but symbiotic vine round a tree.



over dramatic probably, who knows. I have know faith in myself and no way of knowing.

SoberJohn

A very good description of life with alcohol, dark and sad. Hope you are doing well this evening.

Dee74

Hi James
so you still see yourself as 'binge drinker' rather than 'alcoholic'?

D

ScottFromWI

Welcome back James. Is it your intention to make an attempt at sobriety this time? There is a massive amount of support here, and you also know of resources within a few blocks of your home. The ball has been in your court as they say...and it has been for quite some time now. Are you willing to pick it up and do what is necessary?

Anna

I hope you make the decision to stop drinking, James.

james186

Thanks Scott. Yes, alcohol sucks the life out of me and taints everything I do. The idea of quitting though this side of Christmas fills me with dread. It's going to be a full on battle from the minute I start.

james186

Probably both. Is there even a difference when I can't stop doing it?, I view the alcoholic as the person who still drinks when there are no real eeasons left to do it, and can't stop when hey try, so even by my own terms I'm an alcoholic.

MarathonMan

Hi James, don't take this wrong but after reading your posts since about Feb this year I don't feel you've ever really given yourself over to sobriety truely and haven't hit your bottom yet. I can't preach because I have relapsed in the last year, but I'm yet to see you make a real attempt...I don't know if you have to wait to really bounce of the bottom or if you can give it a go now but if you're going to have another go over Xmas you've got to commit fully deep down you will know if you are going to or not....if you leave room for doubt they are the cracks that will let you down time and time again.

HeadLump

If you carry on drinking, James, then Christmas will be exactly like every other day trapped inside the jar.

If you stop drinking now, you just might loosen the lid so that Christmas gives you a glimpse of the person you really are.

We're all rooting for you, my friend. Every single day

Hawks

Nothing much to say that will change your mind James.

Alcohol does that job.

You've either had enough... Or you haven't.

We live in an age of multiple recovery programs.

Wasn't long ago that there were none and hopeless alcoholics of our type just got locked up and either permanently drugged, or if the county / state asylum wasn't that well off.... They lobotomised us because it was cheaper.

Here you are, in 2014, with recovery tools laid out before you, people just waiting to help and your still sitting on the fence, pondering the next move.

All the best with your decisions and recovery (if you want it)

Dee74

Ok...so what's your solution James?

waiting and hoping, getting carried along in the tide, is not a great default position.

D

sprout50

James, You say the idea of quitting fills you with dread and it will be a battle. Yes, it will be hard but what should fill you with dread is continuing to drink. In order to quit drinking, you need to change your thinking. Sobriety is a positive thing, not a negative. You aren't giving something up, you are gaining something. And when you are having a hard time, we are here tto help you.

james186

You're probably. Every time I've tried stopping, the reasons I had at the time have faded and I've drank again thinking 'this time it'll be different' - it never is of course. I've thought things got bad, but then blown them off as minor issues that aren't so bad after all. It's a downward spiral and I don't really want to find out where rock bottom really is. I have a feeling I will though if I keep on drinking. That is not what I want.

james186

Yep, I know you're right...just having a crappy day.

james186

I don't know Dee, but I'm not willing to keep this cycle up any longer and doing it on my own obviiusly isn't working.


sorry for typoes everybody, on a tablet and I hate the things!

ScottFromWI

I think you do know James, in fact you've known for quite some time now. SR will always be here for you, as well as the other resources you have around you. But they won't do you any good if you don't use them.

james186

Yep, I know. I was all for talking myself out of doing this until christmas is over and done with. I've changed my mind and it starts today. I drank again yesterday and hated every minute of it. I understand now that I can't do this on my own, I'm stubborn and it's taken a while but I get it - I don't have the tools for the job.

Dee74

Do follow up on that thought James - before your addiction talks you out of it again.

d

james186

I will. I'm going to the doc's on Monday to see about talking to someone - not just about the drinking but the demons lurking underneath. I should have done this years ago, I might not have got to this point if I had.

sprout50

Sounds like a good start James.