I need your advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 6
I need your advice please
Hello,
I am new to this site but I need advice. My 45 year old daughter is an addict and is living at home. She is doing better but I know she still uses off and on. The current drama is there is an older man who lives in our neighborhood that she used to visit. About a year ago he gave her his debit card several times to get groceries for him and, of course, she took out money for herself. Now he is saying she owes him $950. He came around our neighbors and told them she is an addict and a *****. My husband and I are mortified. He told her that the bank has her on camera withdrawing the money and his neighbor knows she did it an he is scaring her with prosecution. She is terrified that she will go to prison and is begging me to pay him. My husband says no but I am on the fence. She has Hep C and really is not well. I do not want her to go to prison. My feelings are that he was stupid enough to give her his card and there is no proof that she withdrew more than he asked her to.
Does anyone know if he can legally prosecute her?
I am new to this site but I need advice. My 45 year old daughter is an addict and is living at home. She is doing better but I know she still uses off and on. The current drama is there is an older man who lives in our neighborhood that she used to visit. About a year ago he gave her his debit card several times to get groceries for him and, of course, she took out money for herself. Now he is saying she owes him $950. He came around our neighbors and told them she is an addict and a *****. My husband and I are mortified. He told her that the bank has her on camera withdrawing the money and his neighbor knows she did it an he is scaring her with prosecution. She is terrified that she will go to prison and is begging me to pay him. My husband says no but I am on the fence. She has Hep C and really is not well. I do not want her to go to prison. My feelings are that he was stupid enough to give her his card and there is no proof that she withdrew more than he asked her to.
Does anyone know if he can legally prosecute her?
Last edited by 2694life; 12-11-2014 at 02:59 PM. Reason: added question
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Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the time to post. You will meet other parents of addict children here, and my hope is they chime in soon. Until they do, I have some thoughts to share.
I really don't know the legal ins and outs of whether or not your AD can be prosecuted, so I'm not going to chime in on something I don't know. But with that being said, I tend to agree with your husband regarding the money.
Why? Well, you and your husband should not be responsible for the actions of your 45 year old daughter. If your AD did, in fact, steal from this man, that's her problem. Not yours, not your husband, hers. If she did in fact steal from him, she and she alone needs to pay him.
If you did pay up for your AD, have you thought about what the likely unintended consequence would be? Every time your AD made a poor decision, she would expect you to save her. You can't save people from themselves.
I'm roughly your daughter's age. I own a house, I have an advanced degree, and I work for a highly respected and highly profitable company. And part of the reason why I am where I am is because I didn't make decisions that would put me in the position where your AD is. It's time your AD grew up and became an accountable, responsible member of society.
But don't just take my word for it. We've got plenty of resident moms here who've been through the fire. Pay attention to what they share with you. It could very well save your sanity.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
My husband says no but I am on the fence.
Why? Well, you and your husband should not be responsible for the actions of your 45 year old daughter. If your AD did, in fact, steal from this man, that's her problem. Not yours, not your husband, hers. If she did in fact steal from him, she and she alone needs to pay him.
If you did pay up for your AD, have you thought about what the likely unintended consequence would be? Every time your AD made a poor decision, she would expect you to save her. You can't save people from themselves.
I'm roughly your daughter's age. I own a house, I have an advanced degree, and I work for a highly respected and highly profitable company. And part of the reason why I am where I am is because I didn't make decisions that would put me in the position where your AD is. It's time your AD grew up and became an accountable, responsible member of society.
But don't just take my word for it. We've got plenty of resident moms here who've been through the fire. Pay attention to what they share with you. It could very well save your sanity.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am sorry you are in this messy situation, and I know how it is to have a grown child at home, who is dependent. Mine is an alcoholic. If he steals from someone, then he will have to pay for his crime- I will not protect him. I am just lucky that he is not doing that sort of thing, because I know this is causing you a lot of worry and grief.
After learning from many here at SR, about how important consequences are, I think I would be afraid to step in to her mess. This may be a consequence she badly needs. If she took advantage , and it is prosecutable, then she should face it. It may be her wake up call, telling her that her life is out of control.
Have you thought about going to Nar-anon, or Al-anon? it is helping me to get my life back, and let go of trying to fix his.
I wish you the best.
After learning from many here at SR, about how important consequences are, I think I would be afraid to step in to her mess. This may be a consequence she badly needs. If she took advantage , and it is prosecutable, then she should face it. It may be her wake up call, telling her that her life is out of control.
Have you thought about going to Nar-anon, or Al-anon? it is helping me to get my life back, and let go of trying to fix his.
I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 6
Thank you both for your replies. I know that what you say is right. I am thinking that if I pay this man he could try to extort more money from me. I think what I will do is contact an attorney and see what he says. I really don't think he can prove that she stole the money. And, believe me, I am not excusing her. I think what she did is deplorable. I just don't want to see her go to prison.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Chicory - I just read your reply. We went to Naranon meetings 10 years ago when this whole drug drama started. It helped us a great deal but we don't go anymore for a couple of reasons. One, I know that they are not supposed to be religious but that is what it was. I am religious and got tired of being told to hand it over to god and there was a lot of praying. That being said, it helped us a lot to learn how to deal with a problem that we never dreamed we would have. My big problem is co-dependency. Since I am planning to continue with this site I will write a post on what I have been dealing with for the past 10 years. I won't write a book but will give the Readers Digest Version.
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The fact that you have been dealing with her issues for the past 10 years is all the more reason not to involve yourself in this latest problem. If she stole money from the man (which it sounds like she did since she is asking you to pay him), she needs to pay it back.
Perhaps she can work out a schedule with him where she can pay it back a little at a time with a small amount of interest added on. If she proves that she is willing to do what she can to replace what she stole, it is doubtful that she would go to prison even if he were to file charges, especially if she's never been in trouble with the law before.
Perhaps she can work out a schedule with him where she can pay it back a little at a time with a small amount of interest added on. If she proves that she is willing to do what she can to replace what she stole, it is doubtful that she would go to prison even if he were to file charges, especially if she's never been in trouble with the law before.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I agree that these are her consequences. Don't face them with her or for her.
At age 45, she really does need to accept adult accountability if she stole and for her own good in terms of personal growth.
I understand you wanting to consult a lawyer for your own piece of mind,
but I would make it clear to her that if she is liable, she will need to find a way
to pay the money back.
At age 45, she really does need to accept adult accountability if she stole and for her own good in terms of personal growth.
I understand you wanting to consult a lawyer for your own piece of mind,
but I would make it clear to her that if she is liable, she will need to find a way
to pay the money back.
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He could prosecute her. My son was in the same position. He cashed a check for $350.00 that did not belong to him. He was arrested and pled guilty. He got probation for a year plus a fine. We made him pay his fines and restitution. He now has a felony "theft by decption" on his record. But we made him deal with his situation. He had a court appointed lawyer bacause we were not paying thousands for a lawyer.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Yes, he could prosecute, and he has every right to...but still...this is her problem due to her dishonesty. Unless they are forced to face the full consequences of their actions and bad choices, they won't learn a blessed thing! Your son survived and your daughter will, too. The more uncomfortable they are, the more they are likely to figure out that they need to get their crap in order.
Believe me...I know how you feel as a mother. I had to make some choices that my daughter didn't like, but you know what? After she was forced to deal with her own mess, she straightened herself up and is now happily married and has a good life.
Believe me...I know how you feel as a mother. I had to make some choices that my daughter didn't like, but you know what? After she was forced to deal with her own mess, she straightened herself up and is now happily married and has a good life.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 109
Why are you in this and considering contacting and paying for a lawyer. You should have no part of it. I don't know a lot about your situation but your willingness to take on what she owns sounds like you might be enabling this grown woman. If you swoop in to clean up her messes you are essentially robbing her of the opportunity to deal with her own life and create a better pathway for herself and stand on her own two feet.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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If he gave her his debit card and told her to withdraw a certain amount of money to which she withdrew more, it seems like this would be something very difficult to prosecute your daughter for. He gave her permission to withdraw money with his pin number, so unless he has the certain amount on tape of how much he told her, how can he prove that she withdrew more deceitfully?
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Location: W Washington
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My feelings are that he was stupid enough to give her his card
please don't blame the victim for the crime. at 45 it's well and time for your grown daughter to clean up her own messes. do not bail her out.
why is someone approaching 50 still living at home with mom and dad anyways? and asking for mom and dad to bail her out of trouble? seems this issue outside the house is not really the issue here..........?
please don't blame the victim for the crime. at 45 it's well and time for your grown daughter to clean up her own messes. do not bail her out.
why is someone approaching 50 still living at home with mom and dad anyways? and asking for mom and dad to bail her out of trouble? seems this issue outside the house is not really the issue here..........?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
First of all, if it's $950 and she has no priors, there is almost zero chance she will go to prison for this. A short stint in Jail could happen, but no way for prison.
Talk to the Atty, but don't give any $ for her is what I say.
Talk to the Atty, but don't give any $ for her is what I say.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 6
Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am almost convinced not to bail her out this time. I really do think she needs to face the consequences.
I said that the man was stupid for giving her his debit card and someone stated that I should not accuse the victim. I will, however, stand by that statement. This man is well aware that she is a drug addict. To give her his debit card is stupid. Period. How many of us would give our kids our debit card?
Someone else asked why a 45 year old woman is living with her parents. The answer is because she screwed her life up with drugs. She is not well (will be having a hysterectomy next month) and I do not want to throw her out on the street.
I said that the man was stupid for giving her his debit card and someone stated that I should not accuse the victim. I will, however, stand by that statement. This man is well aware that she is a drug addict. To give her his debit card is stupid. Period. How many of us would give our kids our debit card?
Someone else asked why a 45 year old woman is living with her parents. The answer is because she screwed her life up with drugs. She is not well (will be having a hysterectomy next month) and I do not want to throw her out on the street.
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