Never Reached Out- Losing Father Slowly
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Brooklyn
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Never Reached Out- Losing Father Slowly
Hi everyone,
Thank you for the safe place to share my thoughts. I sought this thread as most can’t truly understand how complicated my situation is unless they’ve been there. I also don’t want to burn my husband out who tries his best to understand.
Here it goes. My father is an alcoholic and has been for my entire life. He and my mother are divorced, although, my mother is a source of support to him when needed (but only in emergencies and mostly to help me with my burden). I am an only child, 32 years old with a one year old son. I live across the country from him. My dad’s health is very poor. Along with his cirrhosis and related esophageal varices, his smoking is what the presenting medical concern. One month ago, he slipped into a coma and nearly died. He had to be put on a ventilator twice. My husband, son and I drove across the country as I wanted to be there for him when he left this world. He pulled through and we went home. Strangely, I felt a strange sense of calm when I went home. Like I had some much-needed closure and I was able to let my dad know that I loved him (feelings that, sometimes, seem difficult to access). I felt prepared for him to pass.
Since he’s been released from the hospital (where he detoxed from alcohol), he went to a nursing home to further recuperate. From the second he arrived, he gave the staff an extremely difficult time, threatening to leave and being an all-around pain in the ass. They called me frequently asking me to speak to him and try to convince him to stay. This brought up so many complex feelings for me and put me in a position that is maddening. I hate it. I don’t like lecturing him. I don’t like making him promise me things that I know he will break. I don’t like setting myself up for disappointment. But I felt desperate because everyone (including his medical staff) told me that he is going to end up back on the ventilator if he left early and began smoking. I felt I had to beg him to stay, otherwise he would die. He was finally discharged as the staff felt they had gotten as much time out of him as possible. No one felt comfortable with his leaving.
My dad is at the end of his life. His COPD and emphysema are killing him. Yet, as soon as he went home, he continues to smoke and spend hours a day in a smoke-filled room with his “friends” drinking at a veterans club. He lies to me about everything. He has plenty of enablers at home. Usually I just let him lie to me but lately, I’ve been confronting him. Then comes the guilt. And the obsessing about how our potentially “last” conversation went.
I feel like my heart is being torn out. I know my dad is killing himself. I don’t think he wants to die, necessarily, but he is making destructive choices that I just can’t understand. He’s been told, you smoke, you die. You drink, you die. But he doesn’t quit for even a single day. Not for me. Not for his grandson. Not for himself. But then he wants pity from everyone around him. He loves to play the victim which is a serious trigger for me. Those around him give him pity and then put that pity on me. I’ve heard, “I just feel sorry for your dad” so many times in my life. Each time, it is equally infuriating.
Now, he is feeling ill again. He calls me to tell me “I don’t feel right. I feel like sleeping all of the time” which is a terrible sign. Of course, I feel waves of anxiety over hearing this. But he won’t go to the hospital or the doctor. What am I supposed to do with this information?
There is a part of me that is FURIOUS at him for putting me in this position. There is a part of me with a broken heart for him and the direction his life has taken. I try not to think about this and how truly miserable he must be feeling about his life because it’s just too sad for me to bear. I feel like I’m being punched in the stomach with my hands tied behind my back. There is a part of me that wants to be there for him emotionally during his last days. Accept him for who he is and for the decisions he makes. Be there to listen when he tells me how he is feeling (physically and perhaps emotionally?). I often worry that I’ll have regrets once he is gone. There is a part of me that wants this all to end.
I feel so sad, as though I’m grieving for the loss of my father yet he is still here killing himself slowly. I can’t begin to heal because he’s still here. I feel a low-grade anxiety pretty much all of the time right now.
I’m planning on attending Al-Anon (for the first time) this weekend.
I just don’t know what position to take with him to protect myself yet honor this man during the last days of his life. Thank you so much for listening and I welcome any input.
Thank you for the safe place to share my thoughts. I sought this thread as most can’t truly understand how complicated my situation is unless they’ve been there. I also don’t want to burn my husband out who tries his best to understand.
Here it goes. My father is an alcoholic and has been for my entire life. He and my mother are divorced, although, my mother is a source of support to him when needed (but only in emergencies and mostly to help me with my burden). I am an only child, 32 years old with a one year old son. I live across the country from him. My dad’s health is very poor. Along with his cirrhosis and related esophageal varices, his smoking is what the presenting medical concern. One month ago, he slipped into a coma and nearly died. He had to be put on a ventilator twice. My husband, son and I drove across the country as I wanted to be there for him when he left this world. He pulled through and we went home. Strangely, I felt a strange sense of calm when I went home. Like I had some much-needed closure and I was able to let my dad know that I loved him (feelings that, sometimes, seem difficult to access). I felt prepared for him to pass.
Since he’s been released from the hospital (where he detoxed from alcohol), he went to a nursing home to further recuperate. From the second he arrived, he gave the staff an extremely difficult time, threatening to leave and being an all-around pain in the ass. They called me frequently asking me to speak to him and try to convince him to stay. This brought up so many complex feelings for me and put me in a position that is maddening. I hate it. I don’t like lecturing him. I don’t like making him promise me things that I know he will break. I don’t like setting myself up for disappointment. But I felt desperate because everyone (including his medical staff) told me that he is going to end up back on the ventilator if he left early and began smoking. I felt I had to beg him to stay, otherwise he would die. He was finally discharged as the staff felt they had gotten as much time out of him as possible. No one felt comfortable with his leaving.
My dad is at the end of his life. His COPD and emphysema are killing him. Yet, as soon as he went home, he continues to smoke and spend hours a day in a smoke-filled room with his “friends” drinking at a veterans club. He lies to me about everything. He has plenty of enablers at home. Usually I just let him lie to me but lately, I’ve been confronting him. Then comes the guilt. And the obsessing about how our potentially “last” conversation went.
I feel like my heart is being torn out. I know my dad is killing himself. I don’t think he wants to die, necessarily, but he is making destructive choices that I just can’t understand. He’s been told, you smoke, you die. You drink, you die. But he doesn’t quit for even a single day. Not for me. Not for his grandson. Not for himself. But then he wants pity from everyone around him. He loves to play the victim which is a serious trigger for me. Those around him give him pity and then put that pity on me. I’ve heard, “I just feel sorry for your dad” so many times in my life. Each time, it is equally infuriating.
Now, he is feeling ill again. He calls me to tell me “I don’t feel right. I feel like sleeping all of the time” which is a terrible sign. Of course, I feel waves of anxiety over hearing this. But he won’t go to the hospital or the doctor. What am I supposed to do with this information?
There is a part of me that is FURIOUS at him for putting me in this position. There is a part of me with a broken heart for him and the direction his life has taken. I try not to think about this and how truly miserable he must be feeling about his life because it’s just too sad for me to bear. I feel like I’m being punched in the stomach with my hands tied behind my back. There is a part of me that wants to be there for him emotionally during his last days. Accept him for who he is and for the decisions he makes. Be there to listen when he tells me how he is feeling (physically and perhaps emotionally?). I often worry that I’ll have regrets once he is gone. There is a part of me that wants this all to end.
I feel so sad, as though I’m grieving for the loss of my father yet he is still here killing himself slowly. I can’t begin to heal because he’s still here. I feel a low-grade anxiety pretty much all of the time right now.
I’m planning on attending Al-Anon (for the first time) this weekend.
I just don’t know what position to take with him to protect myself yet honor this man during the last days of his life. Thank you so much for listening and I welcome any input.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through, and I'm glad you're here and posting.
I don't have a lot of good advice for you, but I feel the raw pain in your post and wanted you to know that. I think this sounds very loving and rational:
Can you do that? Can you listen when he calls, and then accept that there is nothing you can do to change the decisions he is making for himself?
I guess you could call the local PD and ask them to check on him, if you wanted to and if the PD does that kind of thing where he lives?
I think Al-Anon is a great way to handle it -- they really helped me.
I don't have a lot of good advice for you, but I feel the raw pain in your post and wanted you to know that. I think this sounds very loving and rational:
There is a part of me that wants to be there for him emotionally during his last days. Accept him for who he is and for the decisions he makes. Be there to listen when he tells me how he is feeling (physically and perhaps emotionally?).
I guess you could call the local PD and ask them to check on him, if you wanted to and if the PD does that kind of thing where he lives?
I think Al-Anon is a great way to handle it -- they really helped me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through, and I'm glad you're here and posting.
I don't have a lot of good advice for you, but I feel the raw pain in your post and wanted you to know that. I think this sounds very loving and rational:
Can you do that? Can you listen when he calls, and then accept that there is nothing you can do to change the decisions he is making for himself?
I guess you could call the local PD and ask them to check on him, if you wanted to and if the PD does that kind of thing where he lives?
I think Al-Anon is a great way to handle it -- they really helped me.
I don't have a lot of good advice for you, but I feel the raw pain in your post and wanted you to know that. I think this sounds very loving and rational:
Can you do that? Can you listen when he calls, and then accept that there is nothing you can do to change the decisions he is making for himself?
I guess you could call the local PD and ask them to check on him, if you wanted to and if the PD does that kind of thing where he lives?
I think Al-Anon is a great way to handle it -- they really helped me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am so glad you posted! I can imagine your frustration, sadness, and even the anger that pops up at times. You have certainly no doubt worried a lot in your lifetime about your dad. It's not supposed to be that way, and that is why it made me mad when my parents were drinking them selves to death. Mad, sad, feeling like there might be something I could do, if I could only try hard enough.
The truth is.. we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it... someone elses drinking.. the three C's.
Your dad has the right to decide how he wants to live his life, sadly but truthfully. You cannot make him do more than you have already helped him to do. Don't feel guilty that you don't want this daily sadness hanging over your life.
We can love them, support them, and listen sometimes to them share, but we don't have to fix them...we cannot...if love could cure them, there would be no need for this site, you know?
You might need to control how much you let others talk about him, to you. You can let them know that you love him, and respect his wishes to live as he wants to.
about the nursing home...expecting you to convince him to stay. maybe you did get him to stay more, but he went back to his habits, choosing to risk his remaining time in this world.
He no doubt knows you love him, and you can feel better knowing that. But you can also let go , of the worry, of the feeling responsible, of feeling you must save him.. thats too much, and you can't do it. its not your job, it is his. and he is going to do what he wants, not what others want. so, can you Let go, and let God, or his Higher Power, take over and take care of him, at this time? It might free you up enough to find more meaningful communications with him.. some that will comfort you, in future days.
Have you heard of the serenity prayer? It goes something like this:
God. grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I find great peace in that , we are not responsible for fixing others, we just can't do it. I wish we could, some times. You need a break from the worry. Its hard to change that habit. I know.
wishing you the best, and your father healing,
chicory
The truth is.. we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it... someone elses drinking.. the three C's.
Your dad has the right to decide how he wants to live his life, sadly but truthfully. You cannot make him do more than you have already helped him to do. Don't feel guilty that you don't want this daily sadness hanging over your life.
We can love them, support them, and listen sometimes to them share, but we don't have to fix them...we cannot...if love could cure them, there would be no need for this site, you know?
You might need to control how much you let others talk about him, to you. You can let them know that you love him, and respect his wishes to live as he wants to.
about the nursing home...expecting you to convince him to stay. maybe you did get him to stay more, but he went back to his habits, choosing to risk his remaining time in this world.
He no doubt knows you love him, and you can feel better knowing that. But you can also let go , of the worry, of the feeling responsible, of feeling you must save him.. thats too much, and you can't do it. its not your job, it is his. and he is going to do what he wants, not what others want. so, can you Let go, and let God, or his Higher Power, take over and take care of him, at this time? It might free you up enough to find more meaningful communications with him.. some that will comfort you, in future days.
Have you heard of the serenity prayer? It goes something like this:
God. grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I find great peace in that , we are not responsible for fixing others, we just can't do it. I wish we could, some times. You need a break from the worry. Its hard to change that habit. I know.
wishing you the best, and your father healing,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
KMK- I am sorry for your pain. You have no control over someone elses choices in life. All I can recommend is you giving him up to God or your higher power. The higher power needs to direct him and take care of him. You have done everything and more to help him. I am sorry that I can not recommend something for you to do to make a difference.
Get to an alanon meeting or an open AA meeting. They do help. Also keep reading SR as there are some amazing people here to help YOU!!
((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Get to an alanon meeting or an open AA meeting. They do help. Also keep reading SR as there are some amazing people here to help YOU!!
((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
This is almost to the letter what my mom did to herself and me.
I don't really have a solution to make things much better, except find peace and realize that you have done your best,and his choice to kill himself with drinking and smoking is his--
he has the right to do it as painful as it is to you and your family, but you also have the right, and maybe now the necessity as it is destroying you and putting incredible strain on your family,
to step back and detach from him as much as you need to.
Sounds heartless perhaps, but I don't think it is.
He may have given you life, but he doesn't have the right to destroy you and your peace of mind by choosing to kill himself this way.
This isn't cancer or something beyond his control--this is a progressive set of illnesses brought about by his addictive choices. I don't buy "he can't help it" because he can, but doesn't want to.
You have done everything and more a daughter can or should be expected to do.
If you haven't been in therapy to discuss this, I strongly suggest you book some sessions including some sessions with a grief therapist when he goes.
Under your pain I suspect there is a great deal of anger. And there should be.
Letting your own emotion out, caring for yourself physically and emotionally, and maintaining your family who are also enduring the years of this are all critical.
Hugs and more hugs to you. I have been right where you are and it hurts.
I don't really have a solution to make things much better, except find peace and realize that you have done your best,and his choice to kill himself with drinking and smoking is his--
he has the right to do it as painful as it is to you and your family, but you also have the right, and maybe now the necessity as it is destroying you and putting incredible strain on your family,
to step back and detach from him as much as you need to.
Sounds heartless perhaps, but I don't think it is.
He may have given you life, but he doesn't have the right to destroy you and your peace of mind by choosing to kill himself this way.
This isn't cancer or something beyond his control--this is a progressive set of illnesses brought about by his addictive choices. I don't buy "he can't help it" because he can, but doesn't want to.
You have done everything and more a daughter can or should be expected to do.
If you haven't been in therapy to discuss this, I strongly suggest you book some sessions including some sessions with a grief therapist when he goes.
Under your pain I suspect there is a great deal of anger. And there should be.
Letting your own emotion out, caring for yourself physically and emotionally, and maintaining your family who are also enduring the years of this are all critical.
Hugs and more hugs to you. I have been right where you are and it hurts.
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