Alcoholic husband said he's leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Alcoholic husband said he's leaving
My husband of 14 years told me last night that he's leaving and getting his own apartment. This isn't the first time he has said this. We had a huge fight Saturday and we're still not speaking-until the middle of the night after he's been drinking. He won’t talk to me unless he’s been drinking, and I could smell it on his breath though he claimed he wasn’t drunk..
He wakes me up in the middle of the night constantly to talk, fight, ask a question, you name it. Then when I complain that it's the middle of the night he ridicules me asking why I can't sacrifice my sleep for him. I have to get up for work at 5am and we have a 10 year old daughter who I mostly take care of.
So we argued about something stupid as usual and it blew up. I lost it and started screaming. I had been trying to be SO patient, to remember my coping mechanisms, not engage, etc but I couldn't take it anymore.
I called him selfish, narcissistic, told him to go F his female friends (he hardly has any male friends-he works in a nursing home with women primarily), I told him he'd be sorry, etc. He then told our daughter that I was leaving when I went upstairs to get dressed. I was planning on going for a drive to cool off. I asked her who she wanted to stay with, and she started crying. I hadn't meant as in I'm leaving the family, but he put that thought into her head (she told me what he had said later that evening).
He told me I have 2% compassion, I have no emotions, I'm selfish, and I'm crazy. I take antidepressant medication and he said that those are making me crazy and numb. He said I don't respect him, I don't care for him, and I have anger issues.
I'm utterly exhausted. I went to bed last night at 8pm because I was so tired and hoped to sleep through the night. Now I've been up since 2:30am and it's 8:40am. I have to work all day, go home, cook dinner, do dishes, etc. He does nothing around the house except for bringing out the trash on trash days and cleaning out the cat boxes. I do EVERYTHING else-pay the bills, cook, clean, dishes, laundry, shopping, drive our daughter everywhere she needs to go, take her to Girl Scouts, coach her soccer team, take her to basketball, you name it, I do it.
So he’s sick of my sh*t and is leaving. He can’t believe the way I talk to him and how I forget all the good things he does for me.
What about all the good things I do for him? Those get forgotten as well.
I don’t know if he’s just saying that he’s going to leave like he has many times before or if he’s really leaving. Is he trying to “scare me straight”? I’m so tired I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep but I can’t. He says I’m a control freak. I’m a teacher so he said that I have to be in control of my students, the union (I’m the president), the soccer team (I’m my daughter’s coach), GSA (I’m the advisor at school), and him. I’m just trying to get through the day.
I have been told in the past to ignore him and let him do what he says he will do even if he goes through with it. I have been told not to chase him, but it’s hard.
He claims that he loves me, dearly. I told him that love is forgiveness like I forgive him constantly for the lousy things he does in the middle of the night.
This is a pattern that has been going on for years.
I’m tired but I don’t want to give up.
I kept saying the Serenity Prayer to myself this morning on the way to work.
This is so hard and while I hate the roller coaster of emotions and situations, I remember the good times and just cry.
He wakes me up in the middle of the night constantly to talk, fight, ask a question, you name it. Then when I complain that it's the middle of the night he ridicules me asking why I can't sacrifice my sleep for him. I have to get up for work at 5am and we have a 10 year old daughter who I mostly take care of.
So we argued about something stupid as usual and it blew up. I lost it and started screaming. I had been trying to be SO patient, to remember my coping mechanisms, not engage, etc but I couldn't take it anymore.
I called him selfish, narcissistic, told him to go F his female friends (he hardly has any male friends-he works in a nursing home with women primarily), I told him he'd be sorry, etc. He then told our daughter that I was leaving when I went upstairs to get dressed. I was planning on going for a drive to cool off. I asked her who she wanted to stay with, and she started crying. I hadn't meant as in I'm leaving the family, but he put that thought into her head (she told me what he had said later that evening).
He told me I have 2% compassion, I have no emotions, I'm selfish, and I'm crazy. I take antidepressant medication and he said that those are making me crazy and numb. He said I don't respect him, I don't care for him, and I have anger issues.
I'm utterly exhausted. I went to bed last night at 8pm because I was so tired and hoped to sleep through the night. Now I've been up since 2:30am and it's 8:40am. I have to work all day, go home, cook dinner, do dishes, etc. He does nothing around the house except for bringing out the trash on trash days and cleaning out the cat boxes. I do EVERYTHING else-pay the bills, cook, clean, dishes, laundry, shopping, drive our daughter everywhere she needs to go, take her to Girl Scouts, coach her soccer team, take her to basketball, you name it, I do it.
So he’s sick of my sh*t and is leaving. He can’t believe the way I talk to him and how I forget all the good things he does for me.
What about all the good things I do for him? Those get forgotten as well.
I don’t know if he’s just saying that he’s going to leave like he has many times before or if he’s really leaving. Is he trying to “scare me straight”? I’m so tired I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep but I can’t. He says I’m a control freak. I’m a teacher so he said that I have to be in control of my students, the union (I’m the president), the soccer team (I’m my daughter’s coach), GSA (I’m the advisor at school), and him. I’m just trying to get through the day.
I have been told in the past to ignore him and let him do what he says he will do even if he goes through with it. I have been told not to chase him, but it’s hard.
He claims that he loves me, dearly. I told him that love is forgiveness like I forgive him constantly for the lousy things he does in the middle of the night.
This is a pattern that has been going on for years.
I’m tired but I don’t want to give up.
I kept saying the Serenity Prayer to myself this morning on the way to work.
This is so hard and while I hate the roller coaster of emotions and situations, I remember the good times and just cry.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Apache Junction, AZ
Posts: 111
Sounds like a real change is needed. Those situations and the drama you write about are all too familiar. Taking alcohol out of the equation in my marriage has reduced all of that drama to an occasional disagreement. The rest of the time there's real love, laughter and happiness. Our differences are no longer so glaring and acceptance over the little things is no big deal.
Alcohol tends to blend fact with fiction. If he is drunk every night, half of his day is spent in fantasy land. I speak from personal experience. You need to set boundaries. Let him move out. Your daughter doesn't need to hear the fights and the drunken b.s.
Alcohol tends to blend fact with fiction. If he is drunk every night, half of his day is spent in fantasy land. I speak from personal experience. You need to set boundaries. Let him move out. Your daughter doesn't need to hear the fights and the drunken b.s.
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Really sorry to hear about your situation Jellyn. I promise you that you're not going mad and you're not crazy. It's unfortunate, but oftentimes addiction will bring out the worst in us... Which includes the capacity to be extremely manipulative.
However, that doesn't mean you are alone. Far from it, as many have experienced or are sharing your experience at this same moment. As suggested above, there are many resources available! Our forums being one of them.
Welcome to our community and please stay safe.
However, that doesn't mean you are alone. Far from it, as many have experienced or are sharing your experience at this same moment. As suggested above, there are many resources available! Our forums being one of them.
Welcome to our community and please stay safe.
Just another day...
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 274
Friends and family for sure would be a good place to go too. I am an alcoholic. My father is an alcoholic. My mother does her dabbling. My dads mom liked her drinks. Etc. I have taken the alcohol out of my life. My husband still drinks but since I stopped he doesnt drink that much but its also hunting season and he has a passion for that. But the drama is gone.
You are not crazy, but you need to keep your sanity. You need rest and peace of mind for your health. If he says he wants to go, let him go. Yes you love him and remember the good times but unless he is willing to help himself all he is doing is hurting you and your daughter. Save yourself and her. You can't make him be the person that you fell in love with.
It sux, I know. But hang in there. Do what you need to do for your own happiness. Trust me when I say he is not thinking about anyone but himself.
You are not crazy, but you need to keep your sanity. You need rest and peace of mind for your health. If he says he wants to go, let him go. Yes you love him and remember the good times but unless he is willing to help himself all he is doing is hurting you and your daughter. Save yourself and her. You can't make him be the person that you fell in love with.
It sux, I know. But hang in there. Do what you need to do for your own happiness. Trust me when I say he is not thinking about anyone but himself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
You have a 10 year old to take care of and parent.
So I would let your partner leave, probably the better thing for you and your little one. Constant fighting can affect children.
Won't be easy, but it might be the best thing.
If your partner decides to stay, I would distribute chores evenly, and it would be non-negociable.
Time to be kind to yourself
So I would let your partner leave, probably the better thing for you and your little one. Constant fighting can affect children.
Won't be easy, but it might be the best thing.
If your partner decides to stay, I would distribute chores evenly, and it would be non-negociable.
Time to be kind to yourself
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I'm so sorry you're living in such a nightmare. If he's threatening to leave, I'd let him do it. Let him do for himself for once.
You need to take good care of yourself and your child. You don't need to be caring for another "child".
If he's threatening to leave, I'd let him do it. Let him do for himself for once.You need to take good care of yourself and your child. You don't need to be caring for another "child".
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