NotSoSmart

I just got off the phone wiht my RAXGF. A couple days ago she called to say she moved up her psych appt b/c she's having all sorts of issues (wouldn't be specific and I know not to ask) and felt like she might have to even be hospitalized. So today she's got some new diagnosis or problem and is off work for who knows how long.
I realized tonight that 1) I sorely need a meeting b/c everything I said came across cranky and 2) it came across cranky b/c I have zero compassion for her. She kept cutting me off saying she couldn't talk about this or that b/c she wasn't supposed to get "stressed out". She is supposed to pick up the boy on Sat and we were supposed to talk about the schedule... as long as I didn't "overcomplicate" it by setting limits and thus stress her out. That's where compassion flew out the window and I found myself getting pissed b/c if it isn't one thing its another with her, as to why she can't grow up and be an adult like the rest of us. I feel like her sudden onset of mental problems is another way she can be self absorbed and make it all about her and her needs. Can't stress her out by asking questions or setting a boundary... she's made of glass! And another part makes me sad, b/c any hope I had for us to have a decent friendship or possibly future reconciliation is dashed b/c I am coming to terms that she has nothing to offer me. she can't have a conversation, listen to my side of things, hear about my day or anything like that w/o turning it around to herself. When things are going well we have both talked about still having feelings for each other, but my HP keeps showing me her true colors. I don't like how she treats me. And this is with (supposedly) 18 months sobriety working a program in AA. It saddens me to think that this might be where she's at for a long time.

She sounded slurry and off, so I asked her if she was on something, which really pissed her off and "caused stress". I didn't necessarily mean relapse b/c she supposedly got a new med today. But she sounded a bit fuzzy like she did when she took benzos. She denied it of course, and I know better than to ask; they're either telling the truth or the lie will be exposed eventually. It's more of a testament to my need for AlAnon that it slipped out.

I am feeling frustrated, and sad/grieving the loss of what could have been. I'm angry b/c I feel like she is hiding behind problems to avoid taking adult responsibility. I'm grateful for the awareness that she is so far gone that she is incapable of being what I wanted her to be, so I can stop hoping/telling myself it could work.

thanks for reading my rant

lillamy

You know, in a way, it's very relieving for me to read this rant. So yeah, go to a meeting, reduce your crankiness for your own sake -- but you know what? It all sounds completely sane to me.

You've stepped out of codependence and you're treating her like an adult and placing adult expectations on her. Maybe she really has underlying mental health issues -- a lot of addicts do -- but expecting everyone to tiptoe around you instead of taking responsibility isn't really a recovering, responsible thing to do, is it?

Your irritation and lack of compassion seems totally rational to me.

lillamy

PS: I think you need to change your name.
You sound pretty smart to me.

walkinganewpath

I know when I'm feeling angry at my AH that I really need a meeting. And not for his benefit - for mine and my kids. Yesterday morning I was a ranting raving beotch and I let his drinking dictate my mood - not good. Went to a new one yesterday just for that reason - couldn't wait until my usual Friday meeting.

Keep doing what you're doing and get to a meeting for yourself

schnappi99

I know that need-a-meeting feeling too. Sometimes just sitting down in one of the chairs is enough to lift the mood.

Your conversation doesn't sound like it went far off the rails.. no interrogation or self-righteous judgy stuff. That kind of "i'm so delicate" response would so tempt me to get pissed off, its sort of the flip side of the emotional wall which I've found similarly provocative. For my part that response seems to be coming my ACOA locker of horrors.. it goes way back.

Facing the possibility of the bread-from-the-hardware-store situation is a bummer though. But you never know how things may change. I hope you both find some peace...

CodeJob

With the holidays coming, maybe your HP wanted you to have a dose of reality to offset the romanticism of love over December? It is so hard when you interact with someone and you are working from two very different levels: reality where you distrust her and have no compassion and your heart which clearly recalls the hopes you had for this relationship at one point.

In regards to this X, it could be she has a new DX. 18 mo sober could reveal her head is a snarl with a true DSM issue. Maybe 2015 will reveal more for her too.

Peace. You will work your way back to it.

dandylion

There is a saying....."There is seldom coming to reality without some pain" I find that to be true.

I can't remember who said it....

dandylion

NotSoSmart

Thank you... my plan is to hit an afternoon meeting today if work cooperates. I am for sure going tomorrow. my son has a choir concert tonight so that is priority.

I chose my name many moons ago b/c I was tired of that facade where everyone thought I had all the answers and was "so smart". I thought to myself, how smart could I be to get sucked in to 2 relationships nearly back to back with A's. Now I look at it as I am not so smart that I have to have all the answers. I say "I don't know" an awful lot now, and I'm fine with that!

After we hung up last night I got a text admonishing me for not being supportive enough... that I don't care or "have a funny way of showing it". I do care, but I know from the First Step that there's not a damn thing I can do for her. I'm not even sure what she wants, or how I'm supposed to be supportive/care. Many times I feel like I am a puppet on her strings and she wants me to behave exactly how she wants/needs. If I don't follow the script, there's something wrong with me.

Today I am going to talk with my sponsor about detachment and 3rd step stuff (turning her over to her HP, live and let live). And I do think once we're through the holidays I'll be better able to get through that PollyAnna rose colored glasses phase and see things the way they are instead of how I'd like them to be. I've been reading the Al Anon book about grieving losses - it has a whole section on grieving the loss of the dream which is right where I am.

lillamy

That, I can relate to.

And this sounds a lot like active addict behavior to me. Not saying she's drinking -- but also saying "maybe there's some recovery yet to be done here"...

NotSoSmart

I used to think that if someone was going to AA and sober for over a year, they were in recovery... but I am learning that recovery is more about a change in attitudes and behaviors than how much time you've sat in a chair. The same holds true for Al Anon.
The upshot is I had higher expectations of her b/c of her "time" and what chip she was holding rather than looking at the reality of the behaviors.