HopefulOptimist

I'm having trouble dealing with my AH. We have been together since we were teenagers, fell in love, got married. We have been together for 15 years now and have 2 young children. He became an alcoholic around 7 years ago. Started with drinking a case of beer a day, then added a hidden bottle of vodka. Now its a bottle of whiskey a day that he keeps hidden. A few months ago he got sober for an entire month. It was the best month ever and now he is back to the daily bottle.
He is verbally abusive when he's drunk and he ngover, but keeps it from the kids. He is usually passed out on the weekend until noon and our young children don't understand why.
He is overweight and bloated and I'm not attracted to him anymore.
He has broken my heart. I've noticed that I've become very detached from him. He calls me a cold mean wife.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and I don't want my children to suffer as I did, but they are very young and still blind to his disease. They love him so.
I am so unhappy and unsure what to do. I did the alanon check list and had 17 yes's , how do I get that number down?
I can't live like this anymore.
I want to be happy.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. Remember the three C's:

You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

It is a horrible cycle. I was with my alcoholic X for 18 years. I did not up and leave until I saw myself changing into someone I did not want to be b/c I was miserable in my marriage. My kids could see it too.

The counselor asked my daughter what is one thing she would say about my divorce. Her answer, relief. I was taken aback, but you know what, my answer is the same.

Sometimes there is just too much that has went on for a marriage to survive. You may want to seek help from a counselor who specializes in helping families with addiction. That really helped me a lot.

XXX

amy55

Hi,

Welcome to our family here. Sorry you needed to find us. You took a really huge step today just reaching out for support. We are here for you

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

HopefulOptimist

I don't want to mess up my children by leaving the father they love. They don't see him the way I do. My five year old is starting to notice.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and I prayed daily that my mother would leave him. He was physically, verbally and emotionality abusive. They are still together. My AH rescued me from my father. But now he became my father. I have no one but my children. His disease has kept me from having friends. He becomes jealous easily.

hopeful4

He is isolating you which is a form of abuse. Your children will see it as they get a bit older, and I have no doubt sense the tension even now. If this were your child telling you this, what would you say?

Please keep in mind, your children don't have to divorce their father. They would still be his children, they would still love each other. That part does not have to change.

Hugs.

SparkleKitty

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a codependent father. For my mother, her addiction came first. For my father, my mother came first. Their three children? We didn't come first for anyone, and we each have carried that into every relationship we have had.

HopefulOptimist

Thank you. I see that I have changed. I am becoming bitter and sarcastic at times. I'm usually fun loving and light hearted. I constantly grasp for happiness. I recently changed jobs as I thought that would help.
I thought having kids would help. They helped me. But now I strive to keep them happy and safe.
I have almost left several times.
But he makes me feel guilty that its my fault.
He even said he would take my kids. I don't believe he could.
I started saving his daily bottle of whiskey receipts.
I feel like a horrible person. But I know that I'm not.

lillamy

I would say you are a woman with emotions, reacting to his actions.

You grew up with an alcoholic father, and wanted your mother to leave him. Try this on for size: If your children still love their father, that will change as his alcoholism progresses. Mine are today in a place where they can say without flinching "I won't go to his funeral when he dies" and they want absolutely nothing to do with him. They've cut him out of family pictures. They return his Christmas and birthday gifts.

So two things people said to me when I was contemplating leaving their father (and I did, after 20 years of marriage):

1) Having NO father is better than having an alcoholic father.

2) You may be doing your husband the biggest favor anyone ever will if you leave. If that doesn't wake him up to the fact that his drinking is destroying his life, nothing will.

In my case, my leaving DID get AXH to seek sobriety -- briefly. But that's not the point. The point is -- as someone here likes to say -- marriage isn't a mutual suicide pact. You're seeing yourself change into a person you don't recognize. (I did, too.) You're fundamentally unhappy. (I was, too.)

Only you can determine what you want to do. But I would suggest two things:

1) Al-Anon meetings helped me through four years between my first meeting and the day I left my ex. It didn't make him stop drinking; it didn't make everything OK, but it did help me think through things rationally, and it gave me a lot of emotional support from people who had been there and understood.

2) You have an absolute right to choose to live your life free from addiction. You don't have to convince your husband that his drinking is harming you. You don't have to convince your inlaws, the President, or the Pope. You being unhappy is enough for you to take action.

Katchie

I hope you are getting help sweetie. Alcoholism is so ugly and does ugly things to the whole family. See a therapist, go to alanon or celebrate recovery meetings and connect to other women just like you. (((hugs)))

LexieCat

Hopeful,

I like your name. There is still a lot to be hopeful for, and optimistic about, all appearances to the contrary notwithstanding. There's work to be done to get to that place of hopeful optimism. And that's work YOU have to do. I know it doesn't seem fair--he's the one with alcoholism, and you have to do the work. But the work will set you free. Hard to imagine right now when things seem overwhelming, but it's true--and many of us here are proof of that.

Have you been to Al-Anon? You've taken the test--that's where you can go to "get those numbers down." You've gotten a lot of good advice here, already. You don't have to make any decisions right away. Start going to meetings, start getting your head clear, start learning what YOU want for YOUR life, and start finding out how to make that happen, little by little.

Hugs, glad you're here.

hopeful4

My doctor told me today to take time for myself. That the very best thing I can do for my children is to make healthy and balanced decisions so they can repeat the same. If you make bad decisions or become bitter and angry, your children many times will do the same.

I feel that is very true.

HopefulOptimist

Thank you all. I have completely separated myself from my father, as he is a horrible person. I have limited contact with my mother as I lost respect for her staying with a abusive alcoholic.
Its so hard seeing my AH, a man I loved, slowly kill himself and our relationship.
I've always been optimistic that things would get better.

SparkleKitty

We can wait for "things" to get better, but my preferred plan has always been to focus on empowering myself to get better. Sending you strength and hugs. This is very tough stuff.

LexieCat

With a progressive disease like alcoholism, things DON'T get better. Not on their own. Things only get better for the alcoholic when they decide to embrace recovery.

The good news is that OUR lives can get better. But again, not on their own. Things only get better for us when WE decide to embrace recovery.

It's very tough to swallow the fact that there's nothing we can do to fix the situation--to fix the alcoholic and our relationship with the alcoholic. But until we can come to terms with those facts--accept them for the reality that they are, we will just continue to feel like miserable victims.

cherra

I went to an meeting for families of alcoholics once. They had a saying that alcoholics get sobered up, get locked up, or they get covered up (buried). With a few details changed I could have written your story. I left a 37 year marriage. Unlike you, my children are grown, but here's the thing....Had I left years earlier, my daughter would not be experiencing the emotional problems that she is in therapy for today. I take responsibility for keeping her in that situation. Your AH's drinking has escalated and will continue to do so. You will not be able to hide it from the kids. It's your choice but you need to think through everything. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to love someone bent on self-destruction. Please read through some of the other treads on this forum. You'll find your story time and time again. You'll also find good sound advise from loving and caring people.