freetosmile

I had to take the reins on getting treatment lined up for AH. It makes sense, I guess. He is working throughout the day and I am not. So I did not mind doing this like trying to line up a D&A evaluation, check our insurance, and all that jazz. Thank God, he has fantastic insurance and will cover his stay at a wonderful facility 100%. It is a 12 step approach with a Native American spin. My husband is 3/16 Chickasaw and while he hasn't been actively involved in the culture, it is something he has always yearned for. And he expresses desire to get more connected to the earth. Anyway, it's a good place I think. Getting the D & A eval has been really tough....it's like these people don't understand that "hey all we need is this and then he can go, and he needs to go NOW." They keep trying to push me out a week or two. No, he needs to go NOW. Anyway, I had to "shed some tears" but I think I might have something lined up.

Last night, he was drunk again.... I was throwing up all day. I must have really been determined to have made phone calls all day while sick as a dog. But I did it.

He doesn't want me telling my sister that he is going to treatment because she will "get her claws" on me and I will go out and party, sleep around, get wasted....you know...all the stuff that I DON"T do. He doesn't want her around me. My sister is my best friend.

I feel like I need to say, "hey, that really isn't your call" or "ummm....what about MY emotional support while your gone?" But I knew that was just was ridiculous to even say when he was drunk....

The selfishness and self-absorption is really annoying me and hurting my feelings..but I am trying to keep it together. I really honestly feel like I can't take anymore. I don't think people are understanding me when I say...I am THIS close to a raging mental breakdown. I mean that without an ounce of sarcasm. I am crumbling.

I just got his eval scheduled and told him...he is upset that it is not sooner. My sister is mad at me because he is trying to limit my contact with him and I should tell him to eff off apparently) His family has been cut off from communication (by order of AH, which is good because they are toxic) and they blame me... calling me crazy and the starter of drama....yada yada...I haven't even studied for ANY finals and I have three on friday. I am just bawling right now and that is the only damn thing I do anymore....I just want to run away from EVERYONE. I AM NOT YOUR ROCK. I AM DYING INSIDE

freetosmile

Oh and little TJ STILL has no pants....he is still spending the last of his advance of cheap beer. He took his tools to work today....I'm sure he will pawn those tonight. He doesn't care how broke he leaves me when he goes.

biminiblue

What are you doing for yourself? Are you going to meetings or therapy?

It's not your job to make everyone happy, and that's a good thing because guess what? They aren't going to be happy it sounds like.

I love the AA saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business."

((hugs)) You'll be okay, it will be okay.

Hawkeye13

So, what are your other options besides waiting for him to get out of treatment and come home?

It sounds like you are thinking them even if you aren't saying them.

What do you want for you?

freetosmile

I go to therapy. I go to al-anon. I meditate. I really try to do stuff for myself. I have five kids and I'm going to school full time...so no job.
I have detached as much as I can without it causing problems. I know I shouldn't care about what others think of me...but I'm not recovered enough yet to not allow it hurt my feelers. I have always (ever since I was child) been very sensitive to the emotions of others. So I've probably been codie all my life......I don't know. I'm trying to follow all the rules and advice but I cannot reiterate enough...I'm not doing well.

freetosmile

Yeah...I just want to leave him. I just want him either fixed or gone. I would prefer fixed...but that's not my call.

I am not the rock everyone thinks I am. EVERYONE from my AH, sister, mother, grandmother..they all say "oh you are so strong and you can handle this"

What if I can't? What then? What happens when I am warning EVERYONE of an impending breakdown or something bad and it REALLY happens. I'm so serious about this. I feel like I've never felt before....the sorrow and dispair and hopelessness has really sunk in and I can't seem to shake it. I know it's all on me...I know it is.....I need to do for myself. I need to recover for myself. I'm just really losing it today

Sungrl

Your son seriously has no pants? You can't grab some money from his wallet while he is drunk?? Borrow 20 bucks from your sister. Being able to afford a high priced rehab is great, I understand that is being covered by insurance, but I really think more effort should be placed on your Son then your drunk husband.

maia1234

freetosmile,
BREATH!!! I am so sorry about the craziness in your life. Your plate is so full you can't see if you are coming or going. You need to take care of yourself, as if you don't you are no good to anyone.

The only suggestion I can recommend to you is take care of right now. That's all you can do. Dont think about next week, tomorrow or even tonight. Think about right now. Stop preparing or planning. It doesnt work. Take care of what needs to be done now and that's it. Slow down and breath.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

amy55

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this today. Just know that you have us here. We all love you. I remember feeling like you do today. So ((((((((many hugs))))))))

What's the date that you got for him?

freetosmile

Of course my son has pants. His just has a rip in them. And no it's pretty hard to take 20 bucks that's not there. He gets a small advance and spends it before I even see it.

Nevermind.

Sungrl

Did not mean to offend you. Just take care of yourself and your children.

freetosmile

Not offended and I do understand what you are saying. I really do. I'm just really touchy today and sometimes the truth makes me angry because I don't want to admit it.

I need to take the glasses off and get a clearer picture.

ladyscribbler

Yeah...I just want to leave him. I just want him either fixed or gone. I would prefer fixed...but that's not my call.

Truer words were never spoken. Sorry you've had a rough few days. My mom had that stomach bug for a few days and it was pretty nasty. Hope you're feeling better. This is a lot of stress and being sick on top of it does not help, I'm sure.
I can totally relate to that money stress and the resentment that goes with it. No money for basics but he could afford to get stinking drunk every day of the week. It's really hard not to feel resentful about something so selfish, especially when it effects the kids.
Big hugs to you. Stay strong. Hopefully he will be out of your hair soon and you will at least have some peace in the house to gather your strength.

amy55

freetosmile,

Just take a look at how many people are here for you right now. It's because we want to be here for you. You do have us to lean on.

I know and I can feel that desperation that you are going through right. I wish I was there with you to hold you and just let you cry it all out.

I can't do that, but I'm here. Just let it all out. I'm listening.

LexieCat

I'm sorry you're so stressed out. Try to tune out the other noise. Try telling your sister that as much as you appreciate her concern, this is not the time to make an issue out of it with him. You can see her as much as you want to once he leaves.

Re the pants, have you checked Goodwill? I often buy jeans for myself there. Kids' clothes are often VERY inexpensive, and at least he'd have unripped pants.

Hugs,

FireSprite

I can completely relate to this feeling & I DID break into pieces at times. Don't be afraid to crack a little when you can/if you feel the need, it really DOES help to release some of the stress you are feeling to cry a bit. Sometimes we have to break down before we can rebuild, you know? Stress-tears actually help release some of the stress hormones when you cry so those crying jags are actually pretty productive internally. ScienceIQ.com

Do you have a timeline for him to leave? I'm guessing that you also have a good-sized break coming up over the holidays as far as your school schedule.... if these 2 events coincide, it could be the very best situation for you right now. (Aside from him being gone over holidays) You will likely feel a lot better once he is gone & in treatment & you aren't having to interact with him daily like this.

I know your stress will continue - the financial worries, the responsibilities of single-parenting, etc...... but that time & space between you will help more than anything else can.

freetosmile

Thanks so much, can't tell you how much that means right now. I have been stalking this site for the past month ( on it everyday, many hours a day) and I really can draw a lot of strength from hearing everyones stories and experiences.
I feel better already.... Like I can get through the day. I will be ok, won't I?

amy55

You'll be Ok. If you find yourself falling again, just know that we love you and you can lean on us for awhile.

I read your poem last night. It truly was beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. I think you were really able to say what many of us have felt. Thank you for that.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

Hawkeye13

You will be OK

It sounds like you can use this time when he is away to get some perspective and decide what you want for yourself.

You never are "trapped" in any situation just because others "expect" you to do something or "be strong".

Being there for yourself and your children is the most important thing.
The other folks (AH and family) can take care of themselves and deal with their own expectations.

It isn't your job to be the "rock" if you don't want to or simply cannot anymore.

freetosmile

Re the pants, have you checked Goodwill? I often buy jeans for myself there. Kids' clothes are often VERY inexpensive, and at least he'd have unripped pants.

Hugs,[/QUOTE]

yeah I have like 10 bucks and planned to go into town and hit goodwill. I was going to go yesterday, but man was I sick.

this poor kiddo, he's 9 and he still wets himself (dribbles) and the pants that aren't ripped have this urine smell that no matter what I wash them with or how many times, I cannot get the smell out. He also wets the bed at night. ALOT (quantity wise) I've tried waking him up and all sorts of stuff. Doc said he will grow out of it...he is embarrassed by it. I feel bad for him