Lance40

It's 30 days of sobriety for me today, and instead of being excited about it I'm weary and worn out and need to vent a bit. It probably has a lot to do with being super busy at work and working a lot of overtime and weekends without an end in sight.

Last July when my partner was away on holiday I got a text letting me know we were going to have visitors for a few days. We live in a small 2 bedroom condo; and I'm a quiet and introverted guy who needs a lot of down time and quiet time. The visitors showed up and over the course of the next couple of days I gathered that the visit was going to last three weeks with one of them on the couch and one in the spare bedroom used as an office.

The visit was a scouting visit in preparation for a cross country move, so after one of the visitors left the other one stayed on to rent an apartment and find a job. One thing has led to another and 5.5 months later it's turned into a roommate situation except there's no rent. This guy's background is in sales and marketing, and I know he has a good heart and intentions - but his personality is a tidal wave that fills every space. Every time I hear the front door or bedroom door open I cringe because this guy is so full-on that as soon as he walks in the door all peace and quiet is gone. It's like living with the Tasmanian devil.

You can't even make up the kind of stuff that goes on. He's been on this kick that women like men who treat them badly, so he'll tell me how he's demanded his Japanese mistress send him pictures of her boobs and then have his cell phone thrust in my face for evidence of how she's complied. He's sat at my kitchen table and said it was a good thing that Ebola was killing off Africans. He makes jokes about my native citizenship and asks things like, "Why are people from x country so stupid?" The thing is - none of it seems done maliciously - I think he likes to be provocative to get a rise, but it just turns me off.

So here I sit at the office after hours feeling resentful and not even wanting to go home until my partner is done work and home by around 9pm because I just don't have the strength to deal with it. I feel resentful that I didn't have a say in it, and then when I bring it up with my partner it becomes this untouchable thing because this guy truly is a loyal friend to my partner and has really helped him out in kind in the past. So my partner just gets all anxious and distraught and doesn't know what to say or do and then feels terrible, so I just shut down and leave it be. I truly have no idea when this is going to end.

I have been with my partner for 15 years, and we've always had a really solid relationship other than the normal and routine ups and downs of married life. It's probably just that I've had a long day at work and am really tired, but I have fantasies of doing something radical like just bringing a pillow and blanket to work and starting to sleep at the office for some down time. Sobriety, my work load and the home situation feel like just too much all at once and something has to give. I just don't want it to be my sobriety.

I'm really sorry for blurting all this out, but I really just have to get this off my chest.

pattyspaw

congratulations on your 30 days; don't let any of this other stuff get in the way of your sobriety, you are doing fantastic considering everything that is going on around you; thank you for showing me that it is possible to maintain sobriety as long as you want it enough

Lusher

Hey Lance40-

First, congrats on the one month. That's a big milestone and you should feel very proud.

I think your situation would make it on my own personal list of different types of hell.

I can totally sympathize with you. My girlfriend's son (36 yrs old) got into some (alcohol-related / domestic violence) trouble and is currently in jail. His actions cost him his relationship, and once he's out of jail, he'll pretty much be homeless. So, I have a bit of anxiety myself. I know if he winds up here, it will be for the long haul, and my house is really not big enough for everybody. Plus he's huge and I don't want him living here.

Hope you and I find a little luck.

Stay strong through this-


Lusher

dwtbd

I understand. After two months sober my wife invited her brother to stay at our house. He claimed to have hit his bottom and had no where to go. I was sympathetic and agreed to help but at the same time was not convinced, hopeful just not convinced . Longer story shorter, he ended up out staying his welcome and unfortunately it became clear he was mostly motivated by knowing how to manipulate his sister.
I felt some resentment that my wife would even suggest such a situation, given my recent decision to quit , but at the same time I understood her need to help. It was rough at times and I had to put my foot down and insist that we honor our deal that if it became too much and it started to affect our marriage it had to end. It wasn't pleasent , aim not big on sharing especially My house with another adult and everything that comes with that kind of habitation. Not having your own space for your own privacy , and even the annoying mundane things like where the dishrag is "supposed to go". So yeah good vent, I think I get a lot of what you mean, you have my sympathies, just keep the resentments out of the AV's reach, no matter how bad it feels , do not use it as an excuse. Not that I think you would, just you know a friendly reminder. And by all means discuss your feelings with your partner, just the airing out may help.
Wish you well

Dee74

You need to get that guy out pronto Lance. Be honest with your partner.
Anxious and distressed now is better than huge explosion from Lance later.

Congrats on 30 days

D

BigShoe

very much deserving of a vent. 5 months is way too long. Get out!

airwick

Lance

Congrats are in order I hope things start to run a bit more smoothly for you, and a lot less hectic lol

Lance40

Thanks for listening and for the comments. It really helped, and I feel much better now. I intuitively know deep down what the best way forward is for our home life, our relationship and my sobriety. Now it's finding the courage and having the wisdom to do it in the right way.

mistory5

Congratulations on 30 days! Even moreso congrats for putting up with the crazy roomie and staying sober. You get bonus points. But imho you really need to talk to your partner about getting this person out of you and his home. I understand it is a good friend but a good friend would understand that this is not a normal setup. Hang in there , don't pick up and really have a talk with your partner about how u r feeling.

Lance40

Well guys......I took your advice and did what I thought was impossible and had one of the most honest chats I've ever had. I explained how working through an alcohol addiction was taking me to a raw, fragile place and that I needed a lot of support and that I was scared because I didn't feel like home was a safe sanctuary anymore and that I didn't enjoy being here. I was able to be calm, quiet and keep it about how I was experiencing the situation instead of anything or anyone being wrong. My usual "fixing" behaviour would have been to laugh it off at the end and pretend it was great now that we had talked while knowing we had just kicked the can down the road. Of course he feels sad and anxious, but I'm thankful that as part of my sobriety program that I am gaining awareness that as part of my recovery I can't own other peoples' emotions and try to "fix" them. He's going to talk to the "roomie" which I know is super hard for him.

I am really grateful for the encouraging nudges. For me this is what sobriety is really about. The not drinking opens the door to the possibility of connection and personal growth, and to me it's the guts to step into a scary new territory instead of hanging back in the shadows getting drunk and dreaming impossible dreams.

Dee74

That's really great Lance

D

dwtbd

Awesome and congrats on 30 btw
Keep the pointy bit forever forward and only use your power for good! You got this, Onward!