Katchie

This has been weighing on my mind and wondered how many of you have had unwanted advances and/or forced relations with your spouse while they were in a drunken state? Did they even realize they had done this to you the morning after? How did/have you handled that long term? Sometimes coming out of denial can be a long process and all sorts of memories come flooding back.

SparkleKitty

(((((Katchie)))))

lillamy

There's a word for that, and it's rape.

I don't know that I'm in an emotional place to share my personal experiences today, but I can recommend a website that talks about intimate partner sexual violence: Aphrodite Wounded: Survivor Support & Educational Resources for Marital and Partner Rape and also anything written by Louise McOrmond-Plummer, especially her book Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners.

The (additional) problem we have when we've been sexually assaulted by a person who is our partner/husband/boyfriend is that we're not sure we're "allowed" to call it rape. We are. And the hurt is real.

LexieCat

Thanks for those resources, lillamy. Fortunately I never experienced that, but I know so many, many women have.

Hugs to anyone hurt by rape, by whatever name.

happybeingme

Kat, I am sorry this has happened to you. Whether they remember or not wont change the fact you were violated. This is wrong and you didnt deserve it. Please get help for yourself.

hopeful4

Oh Katchie, you don't have to put up with this. Much love coming your way.

Katchie

I'm in way putting up with this at this time or ever will again. I'm still working on myself and this is a memory that has come back. This is the first time I've ever "voiced" this to anyone. It has happened twice over the past 10+ years and it wasn't recent. Just something that I've shoved to the back of my memory and was laying there dormant until now...not sure why this is coming up at this moment which is why my questions. The last time I talked to my AH (last wednesday) he brought up that one of the reasons he drinks is because of the lack of relations between us; this is the only reason I can think of that this topic is back at the forefront of my mind. I've never been one to with hold as a punishment, but when he was drunk all the time I refused him because I hate drunk sex. It's absolutely awful when you're the sober one. I was very hesitant to even post this and almost didn't, I just figured I'm probably not the only one.

hopeful4

You are not alone I am sure of that. While I have not had that experience, I am sure there are others.

My X usto use our lack of relations as a reason to drink. It was BS. Who wants to be intimate with a person who you don't trust and who is drunk or you have conflict with?

Ugh. I am so sorry you went through that my dear friend. I am glad you have voiced this and are not stuffing that any longer.

XXX

happybeingme

You absolutely have a right to say no any time you want. I dont know why men seem to want it when they are drunk. They are clumsy and often dont function properly.

As far as him saying its why he drinks. He is trying to guilt trip you. As a recovering alcoholic I will say this. EVERYTHING is a reason for us to drink. Having a "reason" no matter how absurd helps us feel less guilty.

Under no circumstances should a woman or a man ever be forced to have or engage in any type of sexual activity.

Blossom717

My ex never raped me, but he would get drunk and talk about (in detail) all the things he wanted to do to me. It was not attractive and made me very uncomfortable.

Katchie

Oh, him saying that made me smirk inside...I know it's a load of bull and let me know exactly where he is at in his addiction. I think it may have triggered that memory is all.

amy55

Katchie,

You're not alone. My situation may have been different then yours but it's the same. My ex used intimidation for sex. If I said "no" there would have been at least a 2 week war. After this happened several times, I would just say nothing, and let him do what he wanted. Even though I did give in, he would go out and get drunk 2 days later, and blame it on me because I didn't enjoy the sex. (I never told him I didn't enjoy it, I never said anything)

He did know what he was doing. He actually said to me one night, "we can go have sex now or fight the rest of the night, which would you prefer"?

I think this is one of my biggest fears about getting into a relationship. In my mind I feel I should have the right to say "no", but I think I would go into a real panic about saying "no".

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Redheadsusie

Uggh- I would not have sex with AH when he was wasted- so pretty soon we did not have sex at all . If he tried to pursue it while drunk- he would get denied denied denied. It made me sick. I too got the "the reason I drink is because you won't sleep with me " - who wants to sleep with someone who is drunk number one - and who wants to sleep with someone who is not drunk but has lied to you and disrespected you while drunk- vicious circle. How could I be intimate and vulnerable to someone who was so selfish and truly only cared about his needs not mine at all. The times we did have sex I did all of the work- it was like I was there to just serve his needs which was so tiring and sad for me. Ughh-- Now I have the memories of that in my head. I need to go shower. YUCK! I am in a fit today! Sorry you are struggling today!

FireSprite

One thing SR has taught me is that we are NEVER the only one.

Good for you for seeing that his trying to blame lack of intimacy for his addiction is just a load of quacking. (((((((HUGS))))))))

Eauchiche

Well.... Don't mean to be gross, but to re-write a bit of ancient history:
"Abraham was fully persuaded that what was promised, he was unable to perform...."

theuncertainty

Sending gentle hugs, Katchie. You're not alone. The resources that Lillamy posted have both been a huge, huge help and support for me, along with counseling.

lillamy

It took me the better part of three years after I left AXH to even be able to approach those questions. You are very brave to ask questions, Katchie, and I want you to be gentle with yourself as you think and feel through this. It's difficult, but it can be done. And the first step is acknowledging to yourself that it happened. Another step is allowing yourself to feel that it was not your fault, and that you in that time did what you were able to do to protect yourself.

Santa

This was a huge issue for me during my marriage. My XAH wanted what he wanted regardless of the hour or what I had to do in the morning or whether I felt like making love with a drunk. (No.) If I said said yes to keep the peace it took all night and not in a good way. If I said no he became incensed and would stomp around slamming doors and waking up the kids. God I hate him when I think about those nights.

ladyscribbler

This was my experience as well.

MeredithD1

(((Katchie))) it happened to me too with my XAH. I have not seen him since shortly after divorcing him in early 1997. Time heals. Be gentle with yourself.