Uncertain
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
Uncertain
Today marks month 10 for my husband. So go figure, i was in the kitchen and bored and i saw his prespription bottles lined up. I looked at the one that should have been empty as of today, and there was half of an adderroll in it. I cant sleep knowing something like that & not knowing more. I woke him up, he said he didnt know what it was, he found it on the ground so he kept it, old habits die hard. I told him we'd talk about it more in the morning, and asked him to keep in mind if he lies to me, there is nothing left to our relationship. If he is honest, it'll be okay. Problem is, there is probably no way for me to believe him. He was yelling eff you and telling me to get out of the room within 5 min of me asking. This is not normal behavior on his part, unless we are at 1 or 2 hours into a bad fight and i've busted out the "well 3 yrs ago you..." Etc. Also the way he (that is, tried) turned it around- why would he leave it out, he just picked it up, old habits, how did you figure out what it was, how many mg, like he wanted to know what i knew so he didnt say something wrong.
I don't know. I'm scared. If I accept what he says, and he's lying, it
won't take long for life to get awful again.
The amount of time spent in the bathroom has increased. His acne has increased. He is not gaing weight. He has none at all to lose, he's always been thin but I thought getting sober would help him gain quicker. He stays up way to late cleaning sometimes.
But,
Money is okay. He isn't gone for hours with no explanation for where he's been.
He doesn't have that dead look in his eyes. He'a been making an effort to get along with my family.
Etc etc. sad thing is, i almost want him to admit that he lied to me, i need him to do something wrong, that he can come clean (within a short time frame)and give me a reason to believe he will tell me the
truth to save our marriage instead of lying to me and losing everything.b:a04
The hope i have is due in part t
I don't know. I'm scared. If I accept what he says, and he's lying, it
won't take long for life to get awful again.
The amount of time spent in the bathroom has increased. His acne has increased. He is not gaing weight. He has none at all to lose, he's always been thin but I thought getting sober would help him gain quicker. He stays up way to late cleaning sometimes.
But,
Money is okay. He isn't gone for hours with no explanation for where he's been.
He doesn't have that dead look in his eyes. He'a been making an effort to get along with my family.
Etc etc. sad thing is, i almost want him to admit that he lied to me, i need him to do something wrong, that he can come clean (within a short time frame)and give me a reason to believe he will tell me the
truth to save our marriage instead of lying to me and losing everything.b:a04The hope i have is due in part t
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Maybe time for a gentle non confrontational conversation where you tell him that you are just worried, that he is doing great at 10 months and that you just want to check in with him to see that he feels ok and still in control. Allow him the space to 'fess up if there is anything to 'fess up. He will probably say that everything is fine, and maybe it is, maybe its not. IF you feel that he is lying and that he has relapsed then you can always stay vigilant. I think there are a lot of good things happening so maybe best to work with him if you can.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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I just finished & fixed this post, and added a ton, it wouldn't let me post it without msging an admin, and I lost the post in the process. It was much much better than the 1st one I wrote and know I want to cry because I do not have the energy to type everything again but I really wanted to get it all out there. 
stupid time limit on editing posts!!!!!! and I HATE TECHNOLOGY. It added those emoticons & wouldn't let me type or remove them. Such a frustrating night!!!
ANYWAYS.
The only thing I really want to clarify is that the gut feeling that he's using isn't really there. I see the love he has for our baby on his face. That wasn't there when he was using.
It sucks though, the struggle through sobriety. Trying to build trust, and it is so easily destroyed. I do feel very confident that he is sober, but not in recovery. He is staying off bad drugs with his prescribed drugs. I could be wrong, a lot of recovery is internal. But if he is just not doing drugs as his recovery method....that leaves a lot of room for fear of the future on my part.
I think you are right. I have tried to give him space to confess in the past, and all it did was make a liar out of me, because I told him what would happen if he lied & continued doing it, and he lied to my face anyways and I'm still married to him and I shouldn't be because I told him if he lied he'd lose us. He did lose us temporarily and divorce was discussed, so I want to hope that he knows me well enough to know that that isn't going to happen again, I will not subject the kids & myself to any part of a cycle of drug use/sobriety/drug use.
Auugh.. There is just so much I want to say. But I am exhausted.
DISCLAIMER My original post here is awful grammatically, and in most other ways. I apologize. I tried to fix it.
stupid time limit on editing posts!!!!!! and I HATE TECHNOLOGY. It added those emoticons & wouldn't let me type or remove them. Such a frustrating night!!! ANYWAYS.
The only thing I really want to clarify is that the gut feeling that he's using isn't really there. I see the love he has for our baby on his face. That wasn't there when he was using.
It sucks though, the struggle through sobriety. Trying to build trust, and it is so easily destroyed. I do feel very confident that he is sober, but not in recovery. He is staying off bad drugs with his prescribed drugs. I could be wrong, a lot of recovery is internal. But if he is just not doing drugs as his recovery method....that leaves a lot of room for fear of the future on my part.
I think you are right. I have tried to give him space to confess in the past, and all it did was make a liar out of me, because I told him what would happen if he lied & continued doing it, and he lied to my face anyways and I'm still married to him and I shouldn't be because I told him if he lied he'd lose us. He did lose us temporarily and divorce was discussed, so I want to hope that he knows me well enough to know that that isn't going to happen again, I will not subject the kids & myself to any part of a cycle of drug use/sobriety/drug use.
Auugh.. There is just so much I want to say. But I am exhausted.
DISCLAIMER My original post here is awful grammatically, and in most other ways. I apologize. I tried to fix it.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
I bet to see him look at your baby like that is awesome...congratulations, it seems you have a happy family there. Thats something to be happy about as opposed to sad. If you read back your post you will see that you feel he is not using again and that he is living in the here and now with you. Sure, maybe the prescription drugs are helping him through it and maybe he can slowly drop them also. I see a lot to be happy about so please try to relax and see a glass that may well be more than half full. That doesn't mean being naive or losing your vigilance, it just means enjoying the progress that your husband may very well have made.
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Location: USA
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I think I agree with this. Time will reveal more, and there is no point in making yourself or him miserable in the mean time. Now, I don't think that him yelling those things at you is ok and is not too supporting of that loving family feeling.
I am a big believer in gut feeling, but I am also a big believer that we codies absolutely find ways to deny our gut feelings.
XXX
I am a big believer in gut feeling, but I am also a big believer that we codies absolutely find ways to deny our gut feelings.
XXX
Originally Posted by ubntubnt 
Maybe time for a gentle non confrontational conversation where you tell him that you are just worried, that he is doing great at 10 months and that you just want to check in with him to see that he feels ok and still in control. Allow him the space to 'fess up if there is anything to 'fess up. He will probably say that everything is fine, and maybe it is, maybe its not. IF you feel that he is lying and that he has relapsed then you can always stay vigilant. I think there are a lot of good things happening so maybe best to work with him if you can.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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hoisting the BS flag here, long may she wave
so the story is he was walking along, came across HALF a pill ON THE GROUND, picked it up and took it home and put it in a prescription bottle??? that's the best he could come up with?? please tell me you aren't BUYING that load of crap?
ya wanna know how i know he's lying his @ss off?
by what he did next....screaming and yelling and telling you to F off. because you asked a simple question.
he's protecting his supply. that's what addicts do. he's not in the bathroom trying to fix a faulty flapper valve. he's not breaking out due to hormones and he's certainly not cleaning late into the night because he found the Fly Lady website.
see what you see.
know what you know.
so the story is he was walking along, came across HALF a pill ON THE GROUND, picked it up and took it home and put it in a prescription bottle??? that's the best he could come up with?? please tell me you aren't BUYING that load of crap?
ya wanna know how i know he's lying his @ss off?
by what he did next....screaming and yelling and telling you to F off. because you asked a simple question.
he's protecting his supply. that's what addicts do. he's not in the bathroom trying to fix a faulty flapper valve. he's not breaking out due to hormones and he's certainly not cleaning late into the night because he found the Fly Lady website.
see what you see.
know what you know.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
People can see what they want to see. For example, OP never said he found the pill outside, picked it up and brought it home. You inferred that to make your point. The OP woke up her husband and threatened her husband with their relationship. Is it possible that after trying hard for 10 months that being woken and threatened like this upset him? Would this upset you if you tried hard to clean up only to be woken up after 10 months and spoken to in this way? Of course it would.
You say that OP asked him a simple question. Yes she did, and he answered it. OP didn't like the answer so she threatened him with their relationship. Then he got upset. He did not refuse to answer or get upset with a simple question.
He stays up a little late, he spends a little longer in the bathroom. These are incriminating signs? How about the money being ok, his eyes looking alive, better personal engagement?
Don't get me wrong here I am not being naive. I spent 20 years concealing the worst of my drinking from all those that loved me and I know this game very well. However, throwing all your toys out of the pram and killing what could be a real breakthrough while it is still fragile would be a terrible shame and those here advising you to call BS on this and therefore risk your relationship don't have to live with the consequences of this. Thats why on balance I think its better to stay very close to him and stay vigilant but stay supportive too.
You say that OP asked him a simple question. Yes she did, and he answered it. OP didn't like the answer so she threatened him with their relationship. Then he got upset. He did not refuse to answer or get upset with a simple question.
He stays up a little late, he spends a little longer in the bathroom. These are incriminating signs? How about the money being ok, his eyes looking alive, better personal engagement?
Don't get me wrong here I am not being naive. I spent 20 years concealing the worst of my drinking from all those that loved me and I know this game very well. However, throwing all your toys out of the pram and killing what could be a real breakthrough while it is still fragile would be a terrible shame and those here advising you to call BS on this and therefore risk your relationship don't have to live with the consequences of this. Thats why on balance I think its better to stay very close to him and stay vigilant but stay supportive too.
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