shortayp18

Hi all, i was on here 2 years ago and you all literally saved me from going into a major depression. i thank you all!
My ex fiance and i broke up 2 yrs ago...we had communicated off and on and i ended up blocking him and then spoke with him after it automatically unblocked after 3 months and he told me he was going to quit drinking, he said he was going to go to AA but that lasted 2 weeks. I finally had enough and i changed my # about 3 months ago. Well he decided to EMAIL me. He told me that he was single and that he missed me and blablbla. Well i said back. your still drinking so it doesnt matter. And that convo ended quick...well hes been dating this girl for about a year and she has a 3 yr old daugther,,he told me that he's attached to her daughter but their relationship is nothing great, he said he feels stuck bc he's with her for financial reasons bc he cant afford to get a place on his own. I think that if he's really that unhappy he would make or find a way. But maybe he could be just not independent enough. Well anyways...he emailed me again yesterday and it was weird b.c i thought about him yesterday and i actually cried for the first time in a almost a year thinking about him. So he msged me telling me that he went to FL for alcohol rehab for 45 days and he has been home for 3 weeks now. And i immediately went numb. The reason we broke up was b/c of his drinking. He quit for me for a year in our relationship but then relapsed and could not stop again. He didnt want to stop, so he didnt. So i left him. Our relationship besides the drinking was almost perfect. This is why it was soooooo hard to leave him, but i knew it was wrong and i deserved better. So now i'm left feeling confused.....i have tried to date so many people and my heart wont let me have feelings and im still so madly in love with my ex, and he feels the same, but his baggage is the problem. I think i need to tell him that he needs to fig. that out before he contacts me again.......... feeling confused :/

Carlotta

So he is using someone he does not love so he will not have to pay rent and there is a child involved who is bound to get hurt when he moves on to "greener pastures" meaning potentially you.
Whoa, that guy is a real keeper. What are you confused about?
I hope you are not considering taking him back and aside from your past with him (which obviously was not that great) try to put yourself in that woman's shoes.
You are with a man for a year, your child who is very young is attached to him, you put a roof over his head, put up with his alcoholic bs then he goes to treatment, get sober and dump you for his ex gf?
Actually if you dig enough in this forum, you will find some members to whom it happened.

ladyscribbler

He's a user who is looking for another soft landing. What is confusing about that? If you want to take him in and pay his way and make life nice for him until he finds the next enabler, then go for it. If you want to maintain your sanity and self respect then ignore him, block him and stay far away from him.
If you really want to know if has changed, ask the current live-in gf what he told her to weasel his way into her life and how he has been since he was with her.
I bet it was almost perfect except for his drinking. I bet she has high hopes for their relationship now that he has been in rehab.
He is not any different than when you were together. Hopefully you have outgrown his bs

Cleo1234

Im sorta one of those people... was with my xabf for 18 months. The last 9 months he lived with me and my 11 year old son. The relationship might have ended sooner if he was financially secure... but he had Nothing!!! He had no job, no money, no family. I think he felt stuck as well. Well 2 months before we broke up he found a job and this is when he started drinking more often and having communication with his ex. Things got so bad that we finally broke up. There was no pleading and crying and more unkept promises this time, and i believe that was because he felt more secure since he has some income coming in.

Well its been almost 4 months since we broke up. He lost his job a month ago and would you believe he's now living with the girl he was dating ( a different girl than the one he was talking to while we were together)

Although, my son seems ok now with the change.. i know it really affected him for a while. I certainly feel badly that i allowed this man enter our lives, that i now feel was more of an opportunist than he loved us.

shortayp18

She lives with him.....i didn't mention that he just can't afford all his bills living alone so thats what he meant by finacially stuck, bc he can't pay for everything alone. and i said okay well if you were really unhappy with her then you wouldn't be with her you would find another way out whatever it took.

Cleo1234

Who lives with who really isn't the issue. He said he was staying with her for financial reasons, that says enough about him. I don't think he's as miserable with her as he's claiming to be. I think he probably can sense her frustration with him and is looking for a back up when things fall apart.

shortayp18

Yeah i can agree with that in a sense. Thats why I'm hesitant ...its hard enough dealing with a recovering alcoholic and then having that baggage attached. For me i believe that if you truly didn't want to be with someone you would leave them. Now I'm very independent and I've grown a lot the past 2 years but he is dependent and i think he doesn't want to be alone. Which is wrong. Specially for the girl and her daughter. He said that the girl is crazy about him and he doesn't have the feelings for her like he does for me. But i LEFT him b/c of drinking so he knows i won't put up with it.. ugh so emotionally confusing

Carlotta

Exactly. Lots of people work two jobs. Of course, getting something going part time would definitely cut in his drinking time.
One thing I wanted to mention is that I am a recovering alcoholic myself and I am pretty sure that like like most people who go through treatment (and also if he goes to AA) he was told not to make any major changes during his first year of sobriety.
Another thing too is that if he was following his treatment with AA, he would be too busy working the steps and going to meetings to even consider getting involved with some relationship drama. Right there his priorities are screwed up and he is a relapse waiting to happen.

Cleo1234

I know its hard and emotionaly exhausting! Envision what you would like your future to look like and what type of man you'd like to share it with, and don't settle with a man that you know will cause you future pain and heartache.

A friend told me one when i was crying over my axbf ( its not the most sensitive advise lol, but it has stuck with me) She said.. step on your heart or you will have a miserable life! So, I'm doing just that. Every time nostalgia kicks in... I step on my heart and try to get past it.

NWGRITS

He's a user and an a-hole. There's nothing confusing there. Why on earth would you want to get back with him? You did yourself a huge favor by getting away from him the first time. And really, none of what's going on with him and his gf is any of your business. Butt out and find an Al-Anon meeting.

timeagain

Run..run..run. I've been here before, years ago. He is similar to a drug for you. It's obvious to all of us he is a user. Can't support himself, wants to cheat on his current gf, isn't making any attempt to support himself, has been in rehab..relapsed etc. run. I worked 3 jobs at one point to pay bills and tuition. Don't email back, you can't help him in any way. And if you can't put yourself into this girls shoes...imagine what it's like at it's worst for her..than imagine it's you.

shortayp18

Its so hard BC we broke up 2 years go and he gave all of our life up and now 2 yrs later he stops...and he's with someone hes not in love with. But why stay with someone u don't wanna be with

SparkleKitty

Most of the time when I am feeling confused, it's because the answer is one I don't like or am not ready to face.

JetIonic

My guess is that he tells his current GF that he IS in love with her. And if he's not? Then he has to wind up that relationship - honestly and gracefully - before he tries to get back into one with you. He's not being decent in the way he treats people (including you), and that is alcoholic/addictive behavior.

I'm sorry for sounding harsh. You just seem like you deserve so much better.

shil2587

I get it. When you're still in love with someone you probably shouldn't be it's painful. I am going to disagree with other posters here a bit, but I realise may well be wrong.

After 2 years, to still be in love with him, that's not a phase and for him to perhaps still be in love with you. I think if he treated you well, maybe there is something to pursue here. However, you MUST have some conditions to protect yourself. I would insist that he spend 6 months sober, working a job and living alone and single. If he loves you (as opposed to looking for a place to land) he should have no problem agreeing, it's not impossible to find flatmates one isn't sleeping with. But unless he agrees to those conditions, no. But at least then you would have a better idea of what he is after and whether this attempt at sobriety is real.

NWGRITS

None of what he's done to her or this other woman indicates that he is capable of real love. None of his actions are loving or caring. He displays selfish addict behavior. That is not love. Obsessing over HIS feelings in HIS relationship that IS NOT WITH YOU is not healthy. Obsession, yes. Love, no.

shortayp18

The thing is that he treated me like a princess and he was never harmful to me and did everything for me...the only thing that i couldn't handle was his drinking and he became sober for 1 year and he admitted later on that he did it for me, which he needed to do for himself. and he struggled and struggled and we fought and fought until i couldn't do it anymore. he wasn't going to stop and i wasn't going to accept it. he still called me repeatley for months and he was obviously drinking more then ever bc he was so upset. after like 7 months he told me he mesesed up an he was going to stop and he realized what he had lost so he started going to AA and got a sponsor....well that lasted about 2 weeks. and then he said he couldn't do it. So we stopped talking again...he would randomly text me and i got so upset i had to change my # so i did. and then he emailed me.......and yes he is with someone else, and i think its wrong for him to be with her and talk to me. i think he knows its wrong also. but yes he's being selfish bc he's not thinking about anyone else's feelings but his. but now that he's sober, its just strange bc it hurts me bc we broke up our engagement and cancelled our wedding bc he couldn't stop and now he's "dating" someone else and he stopped. but he actually said this time that he did ti for himself and no 1 else. so thats shocking.... i understand that he is hurting me and that he has an addiction behavior i get all that. but he is the most caring, self-less, loving person i have been with and the passion we have for each other is unreal. i sometimes wish he treated me bad so i had a obvious reason to never talk to him again............

SparkleKitty

The reality is he is 3 weeks out of rehab and only sober for a very short time, and that's what you know. If he's to have a shot at long-term recovery, then his focus needs to be on himself, not on you or any other relationship.

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like it would more convenient to move back with you than continue what he's doing now. Alcoholics pursue enablers and I hope you don't let him reel you back in. He's only using you.

theuncertainty

Shortayp18, what he's doing right now is not respectful. Not to her. Not to her child. And not to you. It's not romance. It's not selfless and it's not caring. What he is doing right now, by trying to re-kindle your relationship while wrapped up in a relationship with another woman and her child, really seems to negate being a selfless, most caring, loving person.

You don't know what he's telling her. You don't know if she believes their relationship is just as passionate as you feel the relationship was that you and he used to have 2 years ago. You don't know if he's telling her he loves her, too. If he is:

1. Does he actually love her? Where does that leave you?
2. Is it that he doesn't love her, but says he does? That would mean he's capable of and willing to lie about being in love with someone. Lying to her doesn't prove that he's not lying when he says it to you.

Or maybe he's not saying it to her (anymore). He's still using her for financial reasons. Unless he's been completely honest with her about it, that's pretty sleezy, especially since there's a child involved. Heck, even if he is completely up front about it,('Hey. I _don't_ love you now, but I'm going to continue to live with you. You can provide a roof over my head, food for our table; I'll share your bed, hang out with your daughter... Pretend we're something of a family for her. All because I can't pay my bills on my own.), it's fairly callous.

You don't know what they tell each other. You don't really know if he truly went to rehab for himself, or if she'd given him an ultimatum, "rehab or leave my home" and he did it to try to save a comfortable place to live; and now 3 weeks later, he's thinking, "man, Shortayp18 never _made_ me stop drinking, maybe she's forgotten what my drinking is like - its been 2 years - and maybe she won't make me stop for a while yet." You don't know the whole story, and his actions aren't screaming reliability, honesty or respect.

My AXH's GF contacted me when she found out he wasn't divorced like he told her he was when he moved in with her. It was incredibly painful and eye-opening for both of us to find out what lies he was actually telling each of us. I'm not sure I'd recommend contacting the other woman, because that discussion hurt like h-ll, but it sure did bring a lot his lies to the light.