ssunny

hi we are in the process of splitting up after 12 years married 2 childrenive been unhappy for a long time allowing him to manipulate me but didnt quite know how he has become totally dependent on me and uses alcohol to help sleep and is absorbed on internet nearly all of the time and mood swings and anxiety so he doesnt work he gets us to do most things for him go to shop with him or for him and phone calls etc i have allowed myself over the years to anticipate his needs read his mind his hints and outbursts if iv questioned him he has the knack of turning things round making me feel bad emotional blackmail throwing things and i give in hes quite scary when he doesnt get his way i lost alot of self respect and self confidence and until recently i have realised a lot and got more assertive i told him i want to split and he was in agreement if i help him until his levels of drink come down a bit as he wants out too he was getting better and packed his stuff but has relapsed a couple of tmes since and hes been in his moody stage again so i just dont know how much more i can take i hate being unhappy all the time
i hope i make some sense as this is my first post so im new to this
thanks

JT

Welcome to SR Sunny,

It seems like you are in the habit of caring for him before yourself. I know it can be hard to change behaviors but waiting for him to give you permission to leave means you are living your life on his timetable not yours. You made a difficult decision. A decision that will be hard enough to follow through on without putting him first.

Here one of the things we learn is to focus on ourselves and let others do the same.

Hugs and luck,
JT

bookworm

Welcome Sunny
It's very easy to allow yourself to fall into the trap of running around after an alcoholic. There came a time for me when I felt like I was a piece of marble and he was the sculptor. He was chipping away at me bit by bit and all I could do was watch pieces of myself fall away - self esteem, confidence, faith in me as a person, and on and on it goes. There were many things which helped me to fight back, among them Al-Anon and the steps.
No-one deserves to be chipped away at until there's nothing left - it's time to fight for yourself and your identity...you can do it and you deserve it.
(((((((Sunny)))))))
Sandra

ssunny

thanks for the replies i feel as if i am getting my self respect and confidence back slowly looking hard at the relationship and myself now i understand which buttens he was pressing when i said i wanted him to go he agreed and he said he wanted out if i would help him i asked him how do i help and he said by not critisising when i asked him to give me an example of my critisism all he refered to was an incident when i called him a lazy b 6 years ago he agreed yes it was 6 years ago but it still affects people what he really meant was help me dont question me read my mind take my hints and be a doormat, last week he was calling me selfish and when i wasnt backing down right in the middle of the conversation he kissed me this came from nowhere, until recently it would be your selfish no im not yes you are and i would think yes i am and go and do whatever message it was he wanted now iv changed i dont think i could change back if i wanted to i dont love him anymore and i feel very stressed at the moment and he doesnt seem to be doing anything towards moving out he is just painting all the time (his hobby) and on the internet i bought up the subject of him movin out again yesterday and he became angry and said why do you hav to bring this up now when i was up all night and threw a plate accross the room so i dropped the coversation he said its better to have an anger problem than to be selfish nasty spiteful and mean anyway i keep hoping but its hard to see him ever on his own

Magichappens

Hi ssunny,
Welcome. Glad you joined us. There is a lot of help and support here. No one has to go through these things alone.
Big warning flag: Help him until his levels of drink come down a bit? What if that never happens? Only he can be responsible for his drinking. I would be very careful about that agreement. Take care of you. Hugs, Magic

redrose0729

Sunny
You sound alot like me with my ex-husband and he wasn't even an addict. Go figure.
He could not do anything without me. All the help me's are his way of postponing the inevitable. I will warn you with someone that dependant on you its tough, you will watch a lot of depression and everything. Someone once gave me some advice that I still use today. Make a decision and don't look back stick to it. Good luck and best wishes.

ssunny

the thing is i dont know what to do next hye seems to be burying his head in the sand painting his art with his door locked in the spare room (where he sleeps)last week i took a deep breath when the kids were out and his door wasnt locked and asked him if he had been looking for somewhere yet he said if i had got him the loan for the motor home he would be gone by now anyway i stood my ground and asked again and he said again about the loan at this point his posture and attitude changed so this was my warning sign he would usually be about to throw something so i dropped it again its really frustrating hes been also coming on to me a lot to have sex but the feelings arent there so if i did it would just be for the sake of it so i keep saying no he says i want to but just wont