Soberintexas007

So things have been going really well since my husband has stopped drinking. Our upcoming cruise in March to the Caribbean was brought up, and my husband pretty much said that he would really like to be able to drink on our vacation together, and that he will then resume our zero tolerance policy for alcohol when we get back.

I have obviously been feeling down and depressed since this discussion. I cannot change him, and I know how difficult it will be for him to abstain from drinking while on such a trip. I offered to go on a different trip, but he obviously declined.

Here is what I have planned to do at the time. I don't think I can keep my husband from drinking on the cruise. I am just going to hope that things can return to normal when I return of no alcohol. I also will not be telling my family about this, as it will only upset them.

I just don't know what else to do.

spiderqueen

Have you considered staying home? I can't think of anything worse than being stuck on a boat with an angry, aggressive, belligerent drunk.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, JB.

ladyscribbler

Spiderqueen has a good point. Lots of couples take separate vacations. If you're worried about his drinking behavior it will probably not be very relaxing. Can you do one of the other trips and let him take the cruise?
It's also quite awhile until March. Who knows what will happen between now and then.

Soberintexas007

P.S. - I forgot to mention that we did go on a Caribbean cruise last year in which he drank and I didn't, and he had a fun time, as he seemed preoccupied with all of the fun things to do. He got a bit belligerent at times, but nothing that got too bad.

Soberintexas007

I did consider that, but he really wants to go. It would cause a lot of problems in our relationship at this point if I did not go, and I am enjoying too much the peace of it all right now.

Hawkeye13

His alcoholism has progressed since last year though hasn't it?
That's always a factor unfortunately.

Soberintexas007

We don't take separate vacations, he likes to do everything together. He is the one taking the risk in drinking on this cruise. If something really bad happens, I may likely leave when we get home. I have already suggested to him that he not drink, but that is all I can do.

Soberintexas007

I think his plan right now is to abstain from drinking while at home, and that he gets to drink on his annual, fun vacation.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I know that you can't take these reprieves. But I guess he does not get this in his denial.

cookiesncream

Coming from "the other side" I only occasionally pop over to this forum and I have not read your backstory so apologies in advance. I would say that whatever you have decided on your boundaries to be stick by them. If the behavior he exhibits while drinking is the issue then "if you do xyz while drinking I will do xyz" should be clear and up front. I know you don't want to make a scene but shouldn't be too hard to say for example that you will return to the room, he will not be allowed into your room, and you will plan separate shore excursions. Candidly this sounds like a potential train wreck and if I were you I'd be looking for every and all exit strategies possible.

Soberintexas007

This sounds like a good plan. I can explain to him that if he chooses to drink on the cruise and becomes belligerent in any way, I will return to my room.

Xtreem

I have about a thousand things I want to say here, but realize I'd better wait and collect all my thoughts first.

Hawkeye13

So you will have your own room and he will have his?

How will you arrange this in advance?

freetosmile

Sounds like the idea of his drinking is already building up some resentment from you. You are obviously paying money for this cruise, I'm sure...so are you sure that you want to chalk this potentially AWESOME cruise up to a bitter memory? Perhaps telling him that you are not willing to go on the cruise if he is going to drink and stick to it. I mean that is hard to give up, but maybe it would send a good message to him. Tough call...seems like he is just really looking for a reason to drink. It would totally ruin the whole thing! Unless you just let him do his thing (get drunk) while you detach yourself from his nasty behavior and go enjoy yourself....which undoubtedly means you would be doing a lot of solo stuff...but I'm sure there will be plenty of people around to entertain you....so sorry!! What a downer!!

gippy1968

Would you not going cause more problems in your relationship than his drinking might?

ladyscribbler

My ex was like that. I finally had to put my foot down and stop taking him places and going out in public with him when he drank. It made him very angry, which was detrimental to my safety.
He wanted me to choose between public humiliation and safety (which was not even a guarantee) at home.
I gave him a second chance after we had temporarily separated. He was supposed to be getting help for his alcohol abuse. He chose to continue drinking.
I enforced my boundary and now I never get humiliated in public and I am always safe in my own home.
Don't worry about the cruise in March. It is a long time away. Just focus on today and taking care of you. I know this is hard, but if this second chance needs to happen then that is your choice. I did the same thing. Don't be afraid to enforce your boundary if it comes to that. We are here to support you. Keep posting.

Kboys

My AH has made comments like that too.
Just the other day we were talking about planning a weekend away without the kids, and he said, "I would be 'allowed' to have a drink if we did something like that, right?"

I didn't respond, but it made me really sad. It really made me realize he has no intentions of staying sober long-term.... And it made me realize this is ALWAYS going to be an issue. We will never be able to take a vacation or a night away from the kids without me worrying, and him wishing he could drink, and feeling resentful for not being "allowed."

Is this really what I want?

Hawkeye13

ladyscibbler is quite right that March is a long time away.

My grandmother used to say "don't borrow trouble" and perhaps that is good advice for this situation.
Both of you just staying sober through the holidays might be a better focus at the moment.

Put the emphasis on you (not him) and look after yourself.
It really does sound like the stress is beginning to get to you.
What self-care can you do to feel better and change gears?

NYCDoglvr

I'd say "Fine, go alone." Can't imagine anything more depressing than being on a cruise ship with a drunk. Btw, all cruise ships have "Friends of Bill W." meetings scheduled for whoever wants to show up. He doesn't have to drink on a cruise or anywhere.

redatlanta

Sigh.

Look I am not telling you what to do. But I am kindly suggesting that you look at your behavior and what/how you have to do in order to accommodate your spouse. Its not ok with you, that's clear. Its a potential bomb. Yet, you are still going even though his choice to drink is not ok with you. Maybe it won't be so bad maybe it will. Seems to me you will be on pins and needles and that doesn't sound like much of a vacation.

I have not read your back story and I will now. I assume your husband is an A? We all know there is no moderation with alcoholism.

redatlanta

I have read your back story. I suggest that you need to attend Al Anon if you have not been and work the step program. The cruise is not until March and it would be good for you to get some guidance in how to handle this situation.

I read a couple of threads indicating that DV has been an issue in your marriage which escalates when your husband drinks. You also have indicated that your family is at zero tolerance with your husband. We cannot control someone else we can only control ourselves. I hope you will start with Al Anon and focus on yourself and what you need rather than focus on AH, his needs, and what you think you need to do to accommodate his desires while sacrificing your own.

Congrats on staying sober - a terrific accomplishment! I know this is a very hard situation - lots of ((((hugs)))) and we are here for you.