thotful

I look back at my childhood with my father, and I think, did I even notice the difference between when he was drinking, and when he was not? I think he literally drank every day. But, I don't think he ever vomited (in front of me), or passed out on the floor, or any wild behavior. I just remember him as being extremely mean. Don't get in front of his tv. Don't ever ask him for anything. Don't talk too loud around him, it might annoy him. Don't cross him or you'll get the belt.

It's weird, my brother told me stories of how we hid in the closet when he got home. I have this memory of that, but not exactly the details. Or, is it all in my mind? Like, did I ever actually hide in the closet away from him?

He was scary as hell. That's what most of my memories are when he was angry, irritated, exerting discipline, whatever. Scary and mean. When I got older, my brother suggested that I just give my father a giant bear hug (squeeze just enough so that he knows you mean business) and tell him to "leave me the hell alone". It worked for him, he said. So I did that and my dad stopped the physical intimidation stuff (try to wrestle with me, poke me in my side, just "menace" at me).

Do I even know the sober person? the person that isn't drinking? It's weird, cause he was never obliterated - like he always has a constant buzz or something??...hmm...

I sometimes feel jealous of his co-workers. He goes to work and avoids drinking all day, and drinks the second he gets home. Maybe his co-workers got to know the non-drinking side of him. IE, the real him?

thotful

Perhaps I should also flip my question to:

Can you tell if they haven't been drinking that day?

ladyscribbler

I never really saw my dad drink. Maybe a beer here and there with a neighbor. He was a vodka in a coffee mug type of drinker. Very secretive. But like you said, we knew not to touch the TV or wake him up from a "nap" or let him hear us bickering.
With my ex it was much less subtle. He suffered brain injuries in Iraq and it was immediately apparent as soon as he'd had even one drink. The change that came over him was that obvious.

honeypig

My A was very, very secretive and an incredibly good hider. He hid his drinking from me for years. I had suspicions for the last several years, but he denied it and I let it go b/c it simply wasn't clear. He never vomited in front of me or had "wild behavior" either. He just quietly drank and drank and drank, every night, upstairs out of my sight, and stole from our savings to pay for it.

I have learned to trust my intuition much more regarding whether he's been drinking.

But even more, I've learned that it doesn't really matter if I can tell if he's been drinking. What I CAN tell is if he's working his recovery, and they are 2 different things entirely.

You mention feeling jealousy of those who saw your A sober, "the real him." I don't think you need to feel jealous that his co-workers got to experience a wonderful, thoughtful, good person that you missed out on. I think it's more likely that all they saw was an alcoholic who wasn't drinking at that exact moment. True sobriety/recovery isn't something that can be measured by the blood alcohol content; it's a mindset, an attitude, a spiritual thing. It doesn't come and go in the space of hours or even days, and its presence is pretty unmistakable (as is its absence).

Soberintexas007

I can tell if my husband has been drinking. Rather than being calm, he gets all amped up when he is drinking and wants to do so many things. He cant' just relax. He gets more aggressive in his personality.

spiderqueen

My XABF had a distinct Jekyll/Hyde thing when we first got together, including changes in personality, facial expressions, speech patterns, favorite food, everything. It was obvious when he had been drinking.

Horrifyingly, as his alcoholism progressed, the two personalities seemed to merge. It was this turn of events that helped me end the relationsihp, since the kind Dr. Jekyll stopped making an appearance, ever.

Kboys

I can tell right away if AH has been drinking the moment I see him, talk to him on the phone, or even from his text messages.

My exABF, on the other hand, who passed away last year due to alchololism... With him, I knew he was drinking all the time, but I never really saw any changes in his personality. Our relationship was extremely dysfunctional, but in my mind, back then, I didn't attribute it to his alcoholism. He was just an A$$ most of the time.

thotful

spiderqueen, I have often wondered if Jekyll/Hyde was a lot like an allegory for alcoholism

Timid Jekyll takes potions to be more courageous

Hyde is the opposite of Jekyll - courageous, yes, but also brash, loud, physically violent, etc.

Isn't there a point where Jekyll starts to lose control completely where Hyde shows up whether Jekyll has drank the "potion" or not?

Sounds a lot like alcoholism