story74

Been at this site for about 3 years. My x husband has a drug problem. I have a 6 yr old boy. He is allowed 2hrs a week supervised visits. For the past 3 years he has basically been absent. He has cancelled visits, not shown on visits, disappeared 3 times. His past disappearance (and longest) was for a year and a half. He started to call in April. I ignored him for as long as I could, but finally took his calls. In August he saw his son for 1hr. It had been 2 years since he had seen his son. He moved back to town and said he was sober. No explanation of his disappearance, no apologies. I told him that we can meet at restaurants for a couple hours. He was in NO WAY to be alone with my son. He had a lot to prove. He got a good job back that he had lost. Everything seemed weirdly on the up and up. I hated to be pessimistic, but we all know the routine of an addict. The ups and downs. Anyways, so my son and I have always been open and honest about everything. We both decided together this was his last chance.


Yesterday, he was a no call no show for a visitation. This was the first time I couldn't protect my son. My son knew why we were at the restaurant. It use to be that I was in the trenches, and could block this disappointment.

I think it is time to change my number. Why is this so hard to do?

FeelingGreat

I'm so sorry for your DS's disappointment. It seems it would be better for his father to just stay away than to just not show up to an appointment like that. You may have to coach him in low expectations.

Are you going to break contact with XA now? Is it possible, legally?

zoso77

I don't know. Maybe changing your number means you've completely given up hope that your AXH can be a responsible parent.

The truth is the odds he was ever going to be a responsible parent were always pretty low.

So, just change the number. It takes less than 5 minutes.

Hope7726

I imagine it's pretty difficult to come to terms with the fact that your child's father is really not a good parent. Actually, a sh*tty and poor excuse for a parent. I'm sure you don't want to give up on that tiny glimmer of hope that he will actually start to act like a responsible dad. You probably wonder what's worse for your son - having an unreliable father who is in and out of his life, or having no father.

It sounds like your ex has the potential to really hurt your son. I would at the very least, block his number. Could cutting him off lead to legal troubles down the line?

story74

I thought about seeing a lawyer, but then thought...what do I what the outcome to REALLY be? Legally, so far, I am doing everything right. I have sole custody. Thank god.

I do believe that the bond has been broken. I do believe my son doesn't know what to feel. I do believe that my X has really been out of our life since he was 2.5years, and my son is so use to him NOT being there.

Things to really think about. But, my number one is my sons well being.

waitingforhope

Do you have your son in any type of counseling? I think for a start that may be a good idea. Maybe together then you can decide if AXH stays or goes plus your son and maybe even yourself need to figure out a plan for coping either way. If you pick he needs to go, maybe look into terminating his parental rights altogether. I know states don't like doing that but this is pretty extreme. And make sure you document all this stuff. Keep a notebook.

jjj111

I don't have children and can't imagine what it's like to be in this situation, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but...I'm just wondering how much a 6yo is really capable of understanding how he feels or making decisions about what will be best for him emotionally in a difficult relationship with his father? It seems like an awful lot of responsibility to put on him to ask him to decide or even help decide whether his father gets access to him or more opportunities to visit. Story, are you in therapy? It sounds like maybe you need another adult to help you make these difficult decisions. Hugs to you!

Ann

I think you are wise to cut contact, if for no other reason than for your son's emotional well being. A child has no way of coping with a parent who comes and goes and they tend to blame themselves. They are not old enough to talk about it openly so they just hurt and the hurt festers over years.

Please do not make him go through this again. No six year old should have to feel abandoned or responsible for a parent going away.

I know this is hard for you and my prayers go out, but please do the right thing for both of you.

Hugs

waitingforhope

I don't mean by any means to tell him make a decision. He's not old enough for that but through counseling you as the adult can get a better understanding of how your child really sees his relationship with his father and could better gauge whether or not to shut the door on it or keep it open just a tad for awhile. A counselor just seems to know the right gentle questions at just the right time that we don't always figure out to ask as parents. Of course if his safety's an issue then you already know you need to stop contact right away.