Partner doesn't understand addiction
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Partner doesn't understand addiction
My husband is a great guy. He is a great father and very kind to me. He always has been.
My issue right now is probably totally a "me" thing but I am having trouble with it. He really doesn't understand addiction at all and has said multiple times that he thinks addicts should just "moderate" or "lock themselves in a room for a week and then get on with their life."
When I start to talk about my recovery to him, his eyes glaze over. He changes the subject as soon as I finish a sentence. When I ask him about it, he claims that he doesn't feel this way but his actions say otherwise. He really feels like now that I am not drinking, the whole matter should be over and settled. He tends to think that talking about how you feel is futile and only something selfish people do.
I have asked him to attend al-anon to learn a little more about alcoholism. He doesn't say anything when I say that. The truth is, my biggest issue with him is that he often does not validate my feelings and when I say anything about it, he invalidates them more by brushing it off. I think he believes I am just too emotional. The truth is I think he is actually very emotionally handicapped. He comes from a family that never ever talks about feelings or emotions. His dad is an everyday alcoholic who has the "I will never get better so why bother?" attitude about drinking.
I feel like my partner is just hoping that one day I will just stop talking about my alcoholism and stop thinking about it and just become like someone who never had a problem. How can I help him to understand that this will be a lifelong effort?
My issue right now is probably totally a "me" thing but I am having trouble with it. He really doesn't understand addiction at all and has said multiple times that he thinks addicts should just "moderate" or "lock themselves in a room for a week and then get on with their life."
When I start to talk about my recovery to him, his eyes glaze over. He changes the subject as soon as I finish a sentence. When I ask him about it, he claims that he doesn't feel this way but his actions say otherwise. He really feels like now that I am not drinking, the whole matter should be over and settled. He tends to think that talking about how you feel is futile and only something selfish people do.
I have asked him to attend al-anon to learn a little more about alcoholism. He doesn't say anything when I say that. The truth is, my biggest issue with him is that he often does not validate my feelings and when I say anything about it, he invalidates them more by brushing it off. I think he believes I am just too emotional. The truth is I think he is actually very emotionally handicapped. He comes from a family that never ever talks about feelings or emotions. His dad is an everyday alcoholic who has the "I will never get better so why bother?" attitude about drinking.
I feel like my partner is just hoping that one day I will just stop talking about my alcoholism and stop thinking about it and just become like someone who never had a problem. How can I help him to understand that this will be a lifelong effort?
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I think support groups were born from the very need you mention to seek self-understanding through/in others. Tis been said "Non-alcoholics can't understand" and I've found that not to be true. Probably the same ratio as those of us that don't think they're alcoholic but are. My wife got sober with me and other than my musings of being on here does no support other than family and her spirituality (and now yoga!). I support her decision. Our communication effectiveness still vacillates but is improving. Spouses usually have some interest in their others' continued use as there are manipulations and trade-offs, however slight that go with it. I'm sure this isn't new to anyone married. One getting sober causes a disruption--getting through that together takes some getting used to. Not drinking is numero uno so if a break would help then do it--whatever it takes. Without sobriety I don't have a fighting chance at anything resembling a relationship. Best wishes to you both.
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He really does want me to get sober. He just thinks it should be as easy as flipping a switch. He has said before that he thinks people use things like recovery as an excuse to be self-centered and focus on themselves. I agree to an extent that helping others and getting outside myself is important too, but I need to be able to work out my feelings about my addiction as well.
I can't really take a break with him and I don't want to. He is trying as hard as he can to be understanding but he has a lifetime of misconceptions to work through. I know I can't really do anything to control his actions but I want to help him to understand better. I would hate for him to repeat those beliefs to our son someday.
I can't really take a break with him and I don't want to. He is trying as hard as he can to be understanding but he has a lifetime of misconceptions to work through. I know I can't really do anything to control his actions but I want to help him to understand better. I would hate for him to repeat those beliefs to our son someday.
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Originally Posted by DoPerdition 
When I start to talk about my recovery to him, his eyes glaze over. He changes the subject as soon as I finish a sentence.
The truth is, my biggest issue with him is that he often does not validate my feelings and when I say anything about it, he invalidates them more by brushing it off. I think he believes I am just too emotional. The truth is I think he is actually very emotionally handicapped. He comes from a family that never ever talks about feelings or emotions. His dad is an everyday alcoholic who has the "I will never get better so why bother?" attitude about drinking.
Doperdition, maybe he is uncomfortable with the subject considering what he may have gone through with his father? I was just thinking maybe he's heard the same thing from his father only to be disappointed multiple times.
He may need some time to come to accept that you are not drinking and that you're serious about it.
*hugs*
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Originally Posted by strategery
Doperdition, maybe he is uncomfortable with the subject considering what he may have gone through with his father? I was just thinking maybe he's heard the same thing from his father only to be disappointed multiple times.
He may need some time to come to accept that you are not drinking and that you're serious about it.
*hugs*
He may need some time to come to accept that you are not drinking and that you're serious about it.
*hugs*
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
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Hi Doperdition for whatever reason hes finding this difficult i understand that he doesnt know what to say or doesnt even want to talk about it
simply say you need support its not easy and tell him to get into al anon or something similar
if he keeps persisting then say how can you say you want me sober then not support me im getting sober for me but it aint easy with you not supporting me what would he say to that ?
im sure hel come round doperdition stay sober and hopefully hel try supporting you more
big hugs your way
simply say you need support its not easy and tell him to get into al anon or something similar
if he keeps persisting then say how can you say you want me sober then not support me im getting sober for me but it aint easy with you not supporting me what would he say to that ?
im sure hel come round doperdition stay sober and hopefully hel try supporting you more
big hugs your way
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I will be going on a sober retreat with a family member this weekend. I think maybe the time away will help me sort out my own feelings. He loves to read though. Can anyone suggest a good book about addiction that is interesting and informative? I know he would read it if I asked him.
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When I start to talk about my recovery to him, his eyes glaze over. He changes the subject as soon as I finish a sentence. When I ask him about it, he claims that he doesn't feel this way but his actions say otherwise. He really feels like now that I am not drinking, the whole matter should be over and settled. He tends to think that talking about how you feel is futile and only something selfish people do.
Last edited by Dee74; 12-08-2014 at 03:08 PM.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Have you heard the Serenity Prayer?
~God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.~
He is one of the things you cannot change. You are one of the things you can change.
~God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.~
He is one of the things you cannot change. You are one of the things you can change.
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Join Date: May 2014
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dont know why you seem to need your partner to understand it all if he doesnt want to then let him be
just focus on you and you understand it is the most important thing other wise i could end up using my partner as an excuse for things and i can not do that anymore
good luck to you and just keep on plodding on you dont need a partner to keep you sober : )
just focus on you and you understand it is the most important thing other wise i could end up using my partner as an excuse for things and i can not do that anymore
good luck to you and just keep on plodding on you dont need a partner to keep you sober : )
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Join Date: May 2010
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I was like this too at first. I shipped my X off to rehab and thought he should come back a new man. Big shock.
The only reason I initially went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting was b/c I was going to get him all set up once he was home from rehab. I look back now and laugh at myself.
Thing is, you have to be ready to accept, and he does too. It sounds like you are there, but he is not.
Have you thought about counseling with a counselor who helps families with addiction? I did this and it made all the difference in my own life.
Good luck to both you and your husband!
The only reason I initially went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting was b/c I was going to get him all set up once he was home from rehab. I look back now and laugh at myself.
Thing is, you have to be ready to accept, and he does too. It sounds like you are there, but he is not.
Have you thought about counseling with a counselor who helps families with addiction? I did this and it made all the difference in my own life.
Good luck to both you and your husband!
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Originally Posted by DoPerdition
The truth is, my biggest issue with him is that he often does not validate my feelings and when I say anything about it, he invalidates them more by brushing it off. I think he believes I am just too emotional.
The truth is I think he is actually very emotionally handicapped. He comes from a family that never ever talks about feelings or emotions. His dad is an everyday alcoholic who has the "I will never get better so why bother?" attitude about drinking.
The truth is I think he is actually very emotionally handicapped. He comes from a family that never ever talks about feelings or emotions. His dad is an everyday alcoholic who has the "I will never get better so why bother?" attitude about drinking.
At the top of your post you note all the good qualities about the man. Trying to get him to work on HIS emotions or validate YOURS is going to get you heaps and heaps of suffering.
I agree with Annataboy...wholeheartedly. Support from other addicts is where we can obtain validation...where we learn we are not...alone.
I think if you keep trying to force, beg, plead cajole, encourage him to "understand" addiction...the more he will resist. Just like you are resisting he doesn't want to "address" it.
You might be surprised. Perhaps if you just go about your recovery business quietly and persistently...he might get insanely curious.
Make him thirsty. Don't drown him.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Carrie Wilkens and Jeffrey Foote. Probably THE best book I've read on understand and helping a loved one with addiction.
Focus on you and give your husband some time and space to figure things out on his own. Are you seeing a therapist? I think it's super valuable, especially in early recovery.
Focus on you and give your husband some time and space to figure things out on his own. Are you seeing a therapist? I think it's super valuable, especially in early recovery.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Good books for family/loved one http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...endations.html
and for you i suggest ...Living sober, The Chimp paradox, The tao of pooh & the te of piglet and the shack
these are awesome books
and for you i suggest ...Living sober, The Chimp paradox, The tao of pooh & the te of piglet and the shack
these are awesome books
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Carrie Wilkens and Jeffrey Foote. Probably THE best book I've read on understanding and helping a loved one with addiction.
Focus on you and give your husband some time and space to figure things out on his own. Are you seeing a therapist? I think it's super valuable, especially in early recovery.
Focus on you and give your husband some time and space to figure things out on his own. Are you seeing a therapist? I think it's super valuable, especially in early recovery.
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