I feel so broken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 23
I feel so broken
Hi all...
Just need some support right now... I've been clean for 9 days, from my DOC (opiates, what I'm trying to kick) that is. So close to 10! I am really happy and proud about it but feel like inevitably I'm going to use. Just thinking about throwing the days away is depressing at the same time! A friend of mine started chatting with me again, after telling me to lose his number.... It's that time of month for those stupid things to come and the wench in the back of my mind knows it too. I should tell him I just can't talk to him for awhile, or block him... But a small part of me (probably that wench) isn't doing it, holding me back... Not sure how to handle it... Not sure if he would stop talking to me but know he would be supportive of me quitting.. But if I begged hard enough I know I could manipulate him... You see how she works it's already planned out.. Why am I like this? I've been thinking about drinking lately too and I'm not a drinker at all... Replacement? I always say I hate being sober why? Do I hate myself that much? Yes I think I do. I'm out of weed and it's driving me nuts. (I think I even have a problem with this I just wanna puff away all day where I used to just do it at night or if I was upset or what not and it's just spiraled from there.)
Been trying to quit smoking cigs the past few days too where I have this crap cold.. But should I be quitting more than one thing at once? Does it not matter? Dying for a cigarette is a very good distraction I will say lol. But that discussion is another time and place. Sorry I'm all over the map here scatter brained I suppose.
I've been wondering about a lot of things not sure if it will help me but would like to try but don't know how to go about it... Hoping maybe someone somewhere has some suggestions...
How do you find your 'higher power' or even begin to figure it out? How do you control all these emotions without automatically going to "omg I'm upset I need a pill whatever I'm this I'm that).
I was also interested in trying meditation. Not sure how tho I didn't know if anyone had any suggestions or stories of their own experience with these things.
I try researching these things but I'm not very bright and don't get it I guess. I've explored this site a little bit but I feel like I'm missing so much using my 'smart phone' (all I have right now...)
Also, to be more annoying.. Didn't know if anyone had any suggestions on books about addiction I could read to keep my mind busy. Or good books in general I guess maybe I should think about other things in life.
But anyways... I apologize for the long post, rambling away. I don't mean to be a bother.
Thank you in advance! If anyone makes it this far ha. Please let me know if I'm out of line!
Just need some support right now... I've been clean for 9 days, from my DOC (opiates, what I'm trying to kick) that is. So close to 10! I am really happy and proud about it but feel like inevitably I'm going to use. Just thinking about throwing the days away is depressing at the same time! A friend of mine started chatting with me again, after telling me to lose his number.... It's that time of month for those stupid things to come and the wench in the back of my mind knows it too. I should tell him I just can't talk to him for awhile, or block him... But a small part of me (probably that wench) isn't doing it, holding me back... Not sure how to handle it... Not sure if he would stop talking to me but know he would be supportive of me quitting.. But if I begged hard enough I know I could manipulate him... You see how she works it's already planned out.. Why am I like this? I've been thinking about drinking lately too and I'm not a drinker at all... Replacement? I always say I hate being sober why? Do I hate myself that much? Yes I think I do. I'm out of weed and it's driving me nuts. (I think I even have a problem with this I just wanna puff away all day where I used to just do it at night or if I was upset or what not and it's just spiraled from there.)
Been trying to quit smoking cigs the past few days too where I have this crap cold.. But should I be quitting more than one thing at once? Does it not matter? Dying for a cigarette is a very good distraction I will say lol. But that discussion is another time and place. Sorry I'm all over the map here scatter brained I suppose.
I've been wondering about a lot of things not sure if it will help me but would like to try but don't know how to go about it... Hoping maybe someone somewhere has some suggestions...
How do you find your 'higher power' or even begin to figure it out? How do you control all these emotions without automatically going to "omg I'm upset I need a pill whatever I'm this I'm that).
I was also interested in trying meditation. Not sure how tho I didn't know if anyone had any suggestions or stories of their own experience with these things.
I try researching these things but I'm not very bright and don't get it I guess. I've explored this site a little bit but I feel like I'm missing so much using my 'smart phone' (all I have right now...)
Also, to be more annoying.. Didn't know if anyone had any suggestions on books about addiction I could read to keep my mind busy. Or good books in general I guess maybe I should think about other things in life.
But anyways... I apologize for the long post, rambling away. I don't mean to be a bother.
Thank you in advance! If anyone makes it this far ha. Please let me know if I'm out of line!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Not a bother. Hang in there. I don't think relapse for anyone is inevitable. I needed a plan and support to start and to keep going. All you can do every day is ensure you don't use.
I smoke. I didn't quit when I quit drinking. I felt I had enough on my plate without quitting that as well but other people have quit it at the same time. It's whatever works for you, really.
Post away. We are here to listen.
I smoke. I didn't quit when I quit drinking. I felt I had enough on my plate without quitting that as well but other people have quit it at the same time. It's whatever works for you, really.
Post away. We are here to listen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Hang in there! You can do it. I quit things one at a time until I was stone cold sober. It was a real challenge but came with some huge rewards. I miss it at times and there's still a little voice trying to get me to give in but I think about how hard it was to get sober and my "days" and my wallet and my health and... You get the idea:-)
-Ted
-Ted
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Well done on day 9 Allyx when i got sober the first book i read was living sober
i found thayt really useful
and i recently another book on mind management its called the chimp paradox by dr steve peters i found that really useful
good luck
i found thayt really useful
and i recently another book on mind management its called the chimp paradox by dr steve peters i found that really useful
good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Glad you posted. Well done on 9 days!
If I read correctly you possibly have a few addictions that you are tackling at the same time. Weed, pills, cigs. Alcohol would surely become another if you turn to it for numbing your feelings.
We pretty much have a common trait, addictive personalities. Good news is that you can start healing from your addictions, with support and some work on your inner daemons.
But to do that, we have to accept "feeling" our feelings. Unpleasant at the beginning, but like life becomes real. Up's and downs are normal, I always tried to be up all the time with booze. Until I was face down on the floor.
If I read correctly you possibly have a few addictions that you are tackling at the same time. Weed, pills, cigs. Alcohol would surely become another if you turn to it for numbing your feelings.
We pretty much have a common trait, addictive personalities. Good news is that you can start healing from your addictions, with support and some work on your inner daemons.
But to do that, we have to accept "feeling" our feelings. Unpleasant at the beginning, but like life becomes real. Up's and downs are normal, I always tried to be up all the time with booze. Until I was face down on the floor.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
On 'controlling' emotions.....
Shift your goal. It's not about controlling them, it's about allowing them to be without them controlling you.
On finding your higher power...
First all you need is willingness. In the morning, simply say 'please help me today'. In the evening 'thank you for today'. Start simple and remain open. And watch a lot of sunrises.
On meditation....
There are many things to learn but to begin is very very simple. Set a timer for ten minutes. Sit comfortably in a quiet place. Use a candle or simply a point on a wall to generally gaze at. And Sit there. As thoughts arise, simply observe them, label them as 'thinking', then return your attention to your breath. Repeat that over and over with any and all thoughts. Don't follow the thoughts down their story path, but if you do, don't be upset or frustrated. Simply recognize the 'thinking' and return to the breath. Do this daily for a week. The next week sit for 20 minutes. The next week 30. It really isn't hard and it really is effective. If you hit a point you feel you just can't stand sitting there another second (you will) - keep sitting. It will pass.
Shift your goal. It's not about controlling them, it's about allowing them to be without them controlling you.
On finding your higher power...
First all you need is willingness. In the morning, simply say 'please help me today'. In the evening 'thank you for today'. Start simple and remain open. And watch a lot of sunrises.
On meditation....
There are many things to learn but to begin is very very simple. Set a timer for ten minutes. Sit comfortably in a quiet place. Use a candle or simply a point on a wall to generally gaze at. And Sit there. As thoughts arise, simply observe them, label them as 'thinking', then return your attention to your breath. Repeat that over and over with any and all thoughts. Don't follow the thoughts down their story path, but if you do, don't be upset or frustrated. Simply recognize the 'thinking' and return to the breath. Do this daily for a week. The next week sit for 20 minutes. The next week 30. It really isn't hard and it really is effective. If you hit a point you feel you just can't stand sitting there another second (you will) - keep sitting. It will pass.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Allyx, there are some very special days ahead for you but you will only see them in retrospect. We build trust with ourselves by not giving up 5 seconds before the miracle happens. Using is familiar. Familiar is not safe. Not anymore. Congrats on 10 days. I have 180 or so and have a decent list of positive changes if I look back. My only plan is not drink and maybe add some squats and push-ups to my "half hour of power" workout that for now only consists of 1 mile walking fast on full incline. I started at .25 a month or so ago. My point is things tend to fall into place without too much effort if I just don't use and sometimes just doing whatever is in front of me is the answer. Sometimes I have to try something way outside my comfort zone.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome Allyx, good to meet you 
I'm also an ex weed smoker, pill dropper, etc.
Have you thought about NA or another narcotics group in your area ?
A book that really helped me was You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.
What makes you think you're not very bright ? You sound pretty clever to me x
I'm also an ex weed smoker, pill dropper, etc.
Have you thought about NA or another narcotics group in your area ?
A book that really helped me was You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.
What makes you think you're not very bright ? You sound pretty clever to me x
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Ally, we have an extensive and wonderful book list:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 23
Thank you all so much! I appreciate the suggestions and support 
Day 10 today!
Spent some time with my sister niece and daughter today went on a carriage ride saw some horses.. It was freezing but had a good time! Not thinking about the pills is getting easier.
I got an Ecig thing today.. Not sure how I feel about it. It says it's not supposed to help you quit... Oops
Anna! I did find that sticky after posting this haha I have been pouring over it since, so many choices!!
^ that's kinda what I mean about not very bright haha.
Thank you all again!!
Day 10 today!
Spent some time with my sister niece and daughter today went on a carriage ride saw some horses.. It was freezing but had a good time! Not thinking about the pills is getting easier.
I got an Ecig thing today.. Not sure how I feel about it. It says it's not supposed to help you quit... Oops
Anna! I did find that sticky after posting this haha I have been pouring over it since, so many choices!!
^ that's kinda what I mean about not very bright haha.
Thank you all again!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Hi! NA would be good, posting on here helps too, humans are social creatures, don't be alone
As for books, shantaram is awesome, it's not an addiction book, but its a fantastic story and you'll fall in love with the characters, they'll feel like your friends everyone I've recommended it to has adored it.
Xoxo
As for books, shantaram is awesome, it's not an addiction book, but its a fantastic story and you'll fall in love with the characters, they'll feel like your friends
everyone I've recommended it to has adored it.Xoxo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by allyx 
Thank you jsbohdi! I will add that book to my list.
Social yes... I always feel like everyone hates me.. Wah wah right ha
Social yes... I always feel like everyone hates me.. Wah wah right ha
Well I find you charming, I'm sure you're not nearly as horrible as you think!
I felt like people hated me sometimes too. Oh wait! They probably saw me blackout drunk!!!! That explains it!
Just kidding, don't be so hard on yourself, it's exhausting!
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