9111111

A random friend and I planned a weekend trip to another city for next week. After the friend told me she would take care of booking our hotel rooms last week, it took me by surprise when she announced today that no reservations were made, as she changed her mind about the whole trip.
When hearing about her change of mind, I smiled, said fine, while in my mind I saw myself shrug and delete her contact info from my phone.

I normally prefer to travel solo, so this was kind of “new” situation for me, but I noticed that what bothered me the most was not about travel plans, but her “oh, just changed my mind” attitude.

I feel, that after breathing through “what’s right today, is wrong tomorrow” land, I’m done with “oh, just changed my mind”.

I wonder what other people do in these kind of situations, and if I am just another inflexible hermit.

biminiblue

"a random friend?"

Are you male or female? I guess that shouldn't matter, but it does.

I might tell some random guy that I would go somewhere with him, and then have second thoughts about it. I might have agreed so he would leave me alone, too. For one thing, if he was expecting me to make the reservation - that means it's my money on the hook. I also wouldn't check into a hotel with a "random friend." Overnight trips require me knowing someone really well.

I don't think we have all the info here.

In the real world, "random" friends will agree with things and then change their minds. Why would that be cause for deletion from your contacts? At least she told you.

9111111

Oh, "random" as in same sex, no romantic interests, not sharing a hotel room, room paid upon arrival, seperate bills, making the trip together because of shared interests.

Interesting feedback. Thank you.

9111111

I deleted her, because she spent a lot of time calling and emailing me to plan the trip. I'm normally more of a buy ticket, pack bag, go there person, so looking back now I see that she's not only unreliable but also wasted my time - two things I remember all too well from many moons ago.

Very helpful questions. Thanks again.

biminiblue

Did she tell you why she changed her mind?

It is difficult to know when someone is being honest, certainly. Mixed messages/inability to make decisions is not a good character trait, that's for sure.

biminiblue

Then again, if you've already deleted her, I'm wondering why I'm getting involved at all?

9111111

Haha, maybe my question to you guys should have been instead: Does it happen to you, that old memories from back-in-the-day lala land make you behave in certain ways when it comes to human relationships?

Like you pointed out to me - in the real world people change their minds all the time....

irisgardens

Sounds as if you have experience in this kind of behavior with her...I know that I have always been uber patient with a lot of people...over time...I began to realize who I could count on and who I couldn't...and winnowed my contact list...it was the right thing for me. Have had so much uncertainty and probably overlong patience in my life with others and also had many many (F00) who showed me (at 45--so not a spring chicken) that I was only wanted when they 'needed' me and I made time...but when I had time for them and asked for their support...it went on 'off' immediately...Sounds as if you did the right thing for you. Doing things with others (& I love being with other people and immediate family) takes energy for an introvert and highly sensitive person like me...it took me a long time to learn to read people a bit better on this topic...but having learned...I don't get too close to people who I can't count on...and there aren't many...but they are worth it.

biminiblue

Well, absolutely I am affected by past relationships with my FOO and with others to whom I've been close who have addiction or personality issues.

I know when to run away, and I do. The comment you made in the original post about being a hermit? I'm past trying to be friendly with people who are obviously dysfunctional.

I don't even do it all that nicely any more. I have one negative, gossipy, never happy, always complaining neighbor - who reminds me of my mother - and I avoid her like the plague. She used to ask me to do stuff with her, and I wasn't about to be alone with her in a car, on a walk, at lunch. No, thanks. She got very indignant that she, "kept reaching out to me," and I kept saying no.

No where does it say I have to be friends with anyone I don't want to be.

So if this weekend changing of the mind thing bothers you, you are right to take her out of your contacts. You don't even need a reason! That's the good part of being an adult.

MikeH

I don't think you're being an "inflexible hermit," [although I do like that phrase :-) ]. ACoA or not, sorting out who our real friends are... is a lifelong process...

CNY46ER

What done is done. I dont blame you for doing what you did.

Kialua

I totally understand that. What she did was disrespectful and dismissive. Really reminds me of all the years my alcoholic dad would promise to come home after work and take me for new shoes, etc. then never show up, never explain it and didn't care. After growing up like that when people change plans on me it really sets me off, inwardly. I do have a habit of writing people like that off. Some of them I let still call me but I don't invest in them emotionally at all and I don't believe a word they say, and I don't plan anything with them.

Soberpotamus

Yeah, that would befuddle and bother me, I'm sure. I don't think your reaction was over the top. Deleting the contact info might not have been necessary, but hey... we get to choose who we spend time with, right?

NWGRITS

I have serious social anxiety, so I'm known to bail on events and things with people. I will go sometimes at my husband's urging, and it either ends up being a good time or I am nothing like the other people there and excuse myself as soon as possible to go home. I don't enjoy talking about shopping, hair, celebrities, or other people, so anything involving other women will likely end up in me bailing. But that's all me. If someone will talk to me about someone else, then they'll certainly talk about me to other people. I just don't find that kind of environment inviting. Any road trips I ever took were with guy friends of mine, and they were always fun. I have far less anxiety around men than I do other women. So yeah, I'm the ****** friend who will make plans and bail out of an effort to try to be normal, but I honestly think being normal is highly overrated.

ubntubnt

Why not pick up the phone and talk to her? That's the only way I know to take friendships from random to real. And real ones are the only ones that matter anyway.

NWGRITS

She probably does this frequently. The hype and then the nonchalant decision to not do anything usually isn't a one-off thing. I wouldn't write her off completely, but I certainly wouldn't ever entrust her with anything.

9111111

Thank you all for your thoughts and experience. They gave me something to think.

I’m at a point in my life, where the only direction to move is forward. While I saw with your help, that past experiences were getting the better part of me when I deleted the girl from my contacts, I still stand behind the decision to not want to actively pursue a friendship with her.

No new dance without new moves, but nothing wrong with letting the past teach you which choreographies won’t work for you.

kudzujean

I'm with you. I'd write her off too.

I would have done exactly as you did.

Kialua

I am battling this on a couple of fronts right now. I have a stay at home mom friend that is always canceling plans usually because she is sick. She gets sick so often, colds, flu, headache, stomach trouble. She is very disorganized and sleeps as much as she can to the detriment of her family. House is dirty, kids unkept, uneducated and undisciplined. Just a total mess. I know it's depression or some other mental illness related problem, she has been in counseling and has meds but it's been for decades. I can't help but jump in and try to rescue her. It works sometimes and other times it doesn't. So I give her some slack in the writing off department, which is really what I want to do. When she cancels it is such a relief honestly. I can go for months without talking to her and I am fine. I do wish she was a better person and we could have a real friendship instead of this never-ending bucket of neediness.

So that is the extreme opposite of the situation you described.

9111111

That sounds like you keep hanging around out of pity?